To tell my sister not to come home

[fluffy0]

I'm getting married next year. It is going to be tiny - a registry office wedding and we don't even know if we're going to bother doing something after (depends on finances).

My sister lives in Australia and i haven't seen her for a year. We occasionally message but we aren't too close. She isn't coming back to the UK until August 2019 and the wedding is in May . However, she always wants to be involved in things so the fact she's away for the wedding will really annoy her. She may come back early and I think that's silly as the wedding will only be a few hours, it's not a big do with the whole family at a fancy hotel or anything.

AIBU to tell her not to bother coming? If she comes back for it I feel it's making it into a huge thing when I want it to be small and quiet.

Surely you’re overthinking this.
Simply explain to her exactly what your wedding will be like and that obviously you’d love her to be there but understand the costs, timings etc possibly don’t work for her and then leave it up to her.
You’re not having a ‘do’ so don’t need to worry about confirming numbers so leave it completely up to her.

there must be a lot more to this

Yes. You haven't explained why you don't want your sister there, apart from saying she'll "bitch and moan". What does that mean?

I wonder if you feel overshadowed by your sister? Jealous or you feel inferior or something because she has more money or is outgoing, she'll steal attention from you? (these are all guesses, I've no idea)

There must be a reason, I mean she's not coming just because you're getting married, surely just pulling forward her planned visit a few weeks?

As an aside, nothing wrong with wanting a quiet small wedding. I just think it's a bit mean spirited not to do something after with your family or friends or sister?
If you go abroad for a honey moon and future anniversaries, then you could afford a few drinks and snacks (at your house?) or a barbecue or something!

Family usually want to celebrate and welcome the groom or bride into the family, maybe give gifts and meet their new in laws.

Grow a spine and stop making excuses.

My sibling, my only sibling, is getting married soon. I was told after all the planning had been done along with the phrase "I understand if you don't want to come". Family dynamics are complicated and tbh we don't really have a relationship, but is still a kick in the teeth to receive a formal invitation to a wedding you know you're not wanted at. Needless to say we're not going.

You don't want her and that's your choice but don't play cat and mouse with her, it's not necessary and it's not fair.

You could get married in 3 weeks time, with 2 witnesses off the street, or hanging around the registry office.

If you think she's going to bitch and moan and play the martyr about coming all that way for a 10 minute wedding, she'll have a field day if you don't invite her!

Your behaviour is beyond foul op. No support for booting your own sister in the bollocks from this corner.

I would like to wish you well, but don't want to be disingenuous.

I've been the sister in this situation. I live overseas and although my sister is my only sibling, we're completely different and we hadn't been close for many years.

My sister also wanted a very small registry office wedding. She did, however, book the wedding at a time that she knew I would be able to attend (school holidays, as I'm a teacher) and tell me that although she understood if I couldn't/wouldn't fly all that way just for a 10-minute service, she would dearly love me to be there. I know it took a lot of soul searching for her to do that, as she has harboured a lot of resentment about my decision to leave. I ended up being one of the witnesses, along with now-BIL's brother, and the fact that I was there and that both she and I made efforts to facilitate that has actually really improved our relationship.

You talk a lot in your post about the way you presume she will act, the way she 'always wants to be involved' and other posters have talked about overseas siblings making things all about them when they visit. It seems to me that there are some very deep-seated issues here with the way you feel about your sister - are you jealous about her life choices, or perhaps angry that she has 'abandoned' you by moving overseas?

The fact that you've booked such a simple service for a year in advance suggests to me this is some sort of test for your sister to pass or fail - does she love you enough to change her plans and come at a different time of year?

For both of your sakes, please don't play games. If you want your sister there at your wedding, you might have to swallow your pride and make allowances to make it happen. If you don't want her there for whatever reason, that's your choice and is fair enough, but at least be honest about it with her and with yourself.