Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to lose my shit with her?

130 replies

FairfaxAikman · 01/06/2018 07:34

I take part in a team sport (not going to say what as it's rather niche and therefore outing).
Every year my club runs a competition and I am one of a core of six members who always helps set up and does the donkey work across the whole weekend (emptying bins, picking up litter, ensuring toilets are clean, fetching and carrying etc)

This year I asked to do specific tasks that I know are less strenuous as I will have 12-week-old DS with me and because I had an emergency section which hasn't healed brilliantly (really hoping I would be encouraged to take a back seat this year).

The woman who runs the club has pointed out all that I am expected to do in addition to competing myself (which would be fine in a normal year) and is pushing me to leave DS with DH for the entire weekend. I pointed out I am BF and the response was "can't you express some" - erm, not enough for two days, no.
She now wants me to bring DH to look after DS. He doesn't normally come to any competition with me.

She was difficult in my pregnancy too - resisting a minor alteration to my technique which allowed me to compete safely until I put my foot down - and has a history of "humorous" digs at me, which I generally ignore but have led to DH trying to persuade me to move teams in the past.

WIBU to tell her to fuck off, I'm not leaving DS nor am I running ragged this year?

OP posts:
Clandestino · 01/06/2018 12:33

So you've been doing lots for the past years.
If you leave, the team is out of competitions.
Remind us what gives that woman an upper hand over you?

Loonoon · 01/06/2018 12:38

YWBU to lose your shit with her but completely within your rights and very reasonable to say quietly. 'Thank you for your input, but I'll do this my way thank you. '.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2018 12:50

Pick your battles? Is she your boss? Your supreme ruler? She makes digs at you, she tried to encourage injury in your pregnant body by being a twat about technique, she doesn't give a shit about your health now, she doesn't have any consideration for you at all, she treats you like an appliance and you put up with it, but you're not a pushover?

Honestly, this gal knows how to manipulate you.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 01/06/2018 12:51

I suspect something along the lines of rifle shooting.

But that’s not relevant. The relevant bit is - you have just had major surgery and are not healing well and have a tiny baby. You need to be very clear that you will not be doing anything other than competing. If they don’t like that then you will compete for a different team.

Usernameunknown2 · 01/06/2018 13:32

Tell her to do one. Send one of the messages above. Quite honestly if your team are this selfish i would be looking for a new one. They shouldn't even need to.be told, all of them should have volunteered.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 01/06/2018 16:13

"I've never understood why people have elective CSs sad"

Oh do sod off with your sad face Hmm. And the poster who agreed with this.

I had an elective section. Because my baby was breech. Plus my previous birth had been traumatic and left me with some damage and if the same thing happened again the damage would have been worse.

Elective doesn't = too posh to push.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/06/2018 16:22

I missed that snarky comment about elective sections, @WeirdyMcBeardy - what a horrible thing for someone to say!

I have a friend who had elective sections, because she had an emergency section with her first baby, and was advised against VBAC with her subsequent pregnancies.

Not to mention the women who suffer from tokophobia (fear of childbirth) and have an elective section instead.

Eveforever · 01/06/2018 16:53

I think it's totally immaterial whether, or not, the OP had an elective surgery. The fact is she is recovering from surgery. The whys and hows of the surgery are not our concern and are not the concern of the woman who runs the club. The OP, somewhat generously, still wants to compete and undertake some of the donkey work, she needs some reasonable accommodations to be made to allow her to do so. The OP's requests sound completely reasonable. The woman that runs the course seems to need reminding that she runs the club, not the OP's life!

Original poster
FairfaxAikman · 01/06/2018 17:04

@Eveforever I said in my OP that it was an emergency CS - foetal distress.

OP posts:
Eveforever · 01/06/2018 17:14

Sorry Fairfax I was responding to what other people had said. My view is that even if it was elective surgery, she should still be accommodating to your very reasonable requests. Most people, however, would be even more sympathetic because you had to have emergency surgery, so the fact she is being difficult with you is even more surprising. Is she awkward with other club members?

Original poster
FairfaxAikman · 01/06/2018 17:27

Some. It's a case of face fitting.

OP posts:
Kikidelivers · 01/06/2018 17:32

* should clarify I'm not a pushover - but I do pick my battles. *

Well then pick this one.

But you do t need to lose your shit. There’s a middle ground, and that involves your emailing or talking in person outlining exactly what will be happening given your emergency c section healing and that you are breastfeeding. You’re not asking, you’re stating.

High drama, losing your shit etc is not required

CornishMaid1 · 01/06/2018 17:41

I was guessing boules (heads of those can be quite bossy).

You need to put your foot down. Tell her that you are bring DS (bring DH if you both want) and that you would have been willing to do some helping, as she has turned down that offer, you will turn up and compete and leave the others to the management side. If she would rather replace you for this season then you understand.

She then has to decide whether to wind her neck in and let you do what you can or let the whole team down and pull out (since there are no replacements). That is not on you - it is on her - and your health and that of your DS is the priority.

Eveforever · 01/06/2018 17:55

I was in a group where the organiser clearly didn't like me for no apparent reason. Dealing with people who dislike you, or are awkward with you, for no apparent reason is difficult. I agree you should state/reiterate what you can do and avoid getting into detailed discussion or debate about it. She knows you are requesting to do the less strenuous tasks because you're still recovering from surgery, I don't see why you should have to explain yourself any further. I would also shut her down next time she suggests anything to do with how you should be looking after your baby. I think some stock phrases, the old 'that doesn't work for me', might be a good idea.

I do like the idea of calling her bluff though and telling her that you are happy to step aside for this year if she can't accommodate your requests. I wonder what she'd do.

fanominon · 01/06/2018 18:15

Agree with everyone else, don't loose your shit, just calmly tell her that all you can manage this year is competing. No apologies, no reasons. I would personally consider sending it round to the whole team - assuming they are sensible, normal people, they'll understand, and hopefully rally round to help you stay off your feet. So something like saying 'As you all know, usually I do x,y,z at our annual tiddlywinks extravaganza. Obviously, 12 weeks after mayor surgery, that wouldn't be sensible, so this year I'll only be competing. xx really needs some of you to step up and take on a few extra duties this year, so drop her an email to let her know what you can do. TIA. '

And then you Don't. Do. Anything. Else. Don't get dragged in. No-one sensible will expect you to.

NonnoMum · 01/06/2018 18:23

Errr - tell her that your scar is at risk of splitting and you therefore need to bow out for medical reasons...

Which, to be honest, it probably is.

You are only 12 weeks post major surgery! Don't go, please.

Hissy · 01/06/2018 19:51

You need to move teams.

This isn’t the team for you.

She resents you and your dc, that’s not acceptable

Her “resistance” to your safe technique could have harmed you/your ds. It may have been some cause of the emergency cs

How dare she!

Juells · 01/06/2018 20:03

@WeirdyMcBeardy

Oh do sod off with your sad face hmm. And the poster who agreed with this.

I had an elective section. Because my baby was breech.

Sod off yourself. How is having a section because a baby is breech 'elective'? Breech births are dangerous. That's why I had my first section, and I wasn't told I had any real choice in the matter.

Juells · 01/06/2018 20:07

@Eveforever

I think it's totally immaterial whether, or not, the OP had an elective surgery. The fact is she is recovering from surgery. The whys and hows of the surgery are not our concern

The only point I was making was that it's a severe operation, and it takes months to recover. The OP should be getting a bit of support rather than being expected to to the scut-work.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 01/06/2018 20:07

really hoping I would be encouraged to take a back seat this year

If you want a back seat just bloody take one! Don’t be a martyr!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/06/2018 20:07

@Juells - I believe that some hospitals will allow you to have a trial in labour if the baby is breech - so if you are under their care, and choose a CS instead, it is elective.

And I think you are being a bit unkind to @WeirdyMcBeardy - she was defending people who have elective sections against a snarky comment, not having a dig at anyone who had a section because their baby was breech.

TroubledLichen · 01/06/2018 20:16

If it’s Boules/lawn bowling/something like that then sure the OP will be fine. I played Boules recreationally in the garden in the south of France with a glass of wine in hand at 10 weeks post CS and it didn’t occur to me for a moment that I shouldn’t. It has fuck all to do with the thread but if anyone has to know it was an elective section and I had a lovely calm birth and easy recovery thank you very much.

Dragging portaloos into position, lugging heavy boxes etc. is a definite no-no though- OP you need to stand up for yourself and calmly say you’ll be there to compete but that’s it.

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 01/06/2018 22:09

Irrelevant, but, Very few hospitals would offer a trial of labour for a breech delivery for a first time mum. its much, much more likely to be an option for a twin delivery where the first twin is head down and second twin is breech. A vaginal delivery might also be attempted if a mum presents in advanced labour/progresses very quickly and has had normal deliveries before. I'd estimate that about 99% of known breech presentations are delivered by "elective" section , "elective" that they were planned, not that they were the mums first choice mode of delivery.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/06/2018 22:33

Absolutely right, @Anotherdayanotherdollar - I do know that, and should have remembered. Blush

WeirdyMcBeardy · 01/06/2018 22:43

Thanks @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius, yes indeed I was defending women's right to have an elective section. It's not a shame at all. I had one because my baby was breech, no way would I have attempted a vaginal birth, although they would have let me try but given the damage I sustained in my first, vaginal, birth, I would never have risked it.

"Sod off yourself. How is having a section because a baby is breech 'elective'? Breech births are dangerous. That's why I had my first section, and I wasn't told I had any real choice in the matter."

Wth are you on about? You're the one who made the snarky comment about elective sections being a shame. It isn't a shame at all. It is usually a medical necessity. Having a planned section because your baby is breech is elective, as mine was, as yours was. So how you can say it's a shame when you did it I don't know!