WIBU to lose my shit with her?

[FairfaxAikman]

I take part in a team sport (not going to say what as it's rather niche and therefore outing).
Every year my club runs a competition and I am one of a core of six members who always helps set up and does the donkey work across the whole weekend (emptying bins, picking up litter, ensuring toilets are clean, fetching and carrying etc)

This year I asked to do specific tasks that I know are less strenuous as I will have 12-week-old DS with me and because I had an emergency section which hasn't healed brilliantly (really hoping I would be encouraged to take a back seat this year).

The woman who runs the club has pointed out all that I am expected to do in addition to competing myself (which would be fine in a normal year) and is pushing me to leave DS with DH for the entire weekend. I pointed out I am BF and the response was "can't you express some" - erm, not enough for two days, no.
She now wants me to bring DH to look after DS. He doesn't normally come to any competition with me.

She was difficult in my pregnancy too - resisting a minor alteration to my technique which allowed me to compete safely until I put my foot down - and has a history of "humorous" digs at me, which I generally ignore but have led to DH trying to persuade me to move teams in the past.

WIBU to tell her to fuck off, I'm not leaving DS nor am I running ragged this year?

fgs stick up for yourself.
this is a volunteer position. This year you will only be competing, nothing more, time for others to step up. It is quite simple really.

IF you really want and are able to compete you do need to have someone else who is fully responsible for your small baby. Not just someone who can watch him for short periods. That request is no unreasonable

AnnieAnoniMouser thank you! You're so kind and helpful.

"(really hoping I would be encouraged to take a back seat this year)."

Not "I made it very clear that I would take a back seat this year" ?

No need for 'fuck off' , losing your shit etc: be clear and direct and assertive.
"I have a small baby, I am in recovery from a serious abdominal operation. I will not be doing these (list) tasks this year" and any suggestions about how you and your baby and your DH can bend over backwards and bust a gut "that doesn't work for me./ I think I have made my position for this year clear / No, that's not an option for me / I have made my position clear, so I need to stop this conversation now"

I'm assuming this is not 'paid work' , so yes of course you can tell her, that you will NOT be available....at all!

I'm so intrigued by this mysterious sport

But no OP YADNBU

Tripping it's actually pretty normal for folk to keep an eye on friends kids in this sport as the time involved is so short.

To answer a PP I'm not being forced into competing, I want to. I'm going to be making the same modifications to my technique as I did while competing at 38 weeks gone so will be perfectly safe.

Without the OP the team is out of the competition. Her team have no substitute players, so I would suggest they should be the ones bending over backwards to accommodate her, not the other way around. The OP doesn't need to involve her husband, her friend has a younger baby, so presumably this will be a mutually beneficial babyminding setup. Given that childcare isn't a problem, I don't see a problem with the OP being designated some of the easier tasks for one year, she's paid her dues and this appears to be a voluntary thing anyway.

Yep, your use of the word 'hope' tells me exactly why this situation has arisen... and exactly why this woman feels she can mildly bully you (quite a nasty little piece of work, isn't she?)

You absolutely don't need to 'lose your shit' - there are quite a few stages between 'lying down and taking being treated badly' and 'losing your shit'.

You need to find one of these stages that works for you, not only for this situation but for this woman in general.

'Sorry X, I think there's been a miscommunication here. I've had major surgery - it wasn't a straightforward birth and this year is either going to be done my way or I'll have to pull out altogether. Bringing DS or expressing milk isn't a goer for us. Nor is taking on the task list you have suggested. What would you prefer? I'm happy to be the one to break the bad news to the rest of the team, but I can't see why it isn't better for the workload to be organised so I don't have to do that. Let me know what you think - OP'

Twelve weeks post partum, breast feeding and with a poorly healing abdominal scar. Why are you even taking part? What happens if you get injured?

You shouldn't really be training etc before 12 weeks postpartum. For most sports.
My guess was roller derby until you said you were still doing it at 38 weeks. Thinking back to what I was able for at 38 weeks I'm now going to guess either tiddlywinks or rock/paper/scissors championship

'She was difficult in my pregnancy too - resisting a minor alteration to my technique which allowed me to compete safely until I put my foot down - and has a history of "humorous" digs at me, which I generally ignore but have led to DH trying to persuade me to move teams in the past. '

I'm with your DH here. I'd be furious with her if I were your DH and I wouldn't agree to help when she treats you so badly.

She's a cunt so I wouldn't suggest alternatives or compromise at all.

'I'm not well enough to compete or do donkey work, so I will be pulling out of this event entirely.'

And find another team whilst focusing on healing completely.

Life is way too short for bullying twats like this.

Arm wrestling?

I don't think you realise OP that you are the one in the position of power here, not your rude and entitled club leader!

Just say NO to the x, y and z that you are not happy to do using the format and wording shown above.

If she comes back with 'Fairfax that's totally unacceptable' you can respond with 'I totally understand your disappointment but I must advise that if you do not confirm by return that you are happy to accommodate my wishes, I won't unfortunately be able to attend at all'.

That's a clearly stated final chance from you to her to figure out who's the one holding all the cards and if she doesn't show some grace and consideration, she just won't have you there at all.

I should clarify I'm not a pushover - but I do pick my battles.
I put my foot down about changing technique while pregnant but most of the time most of the diktats requests aren't a big deal or worth causing team disharmony over.

Crown green bowling?

She sounds horrible.
If you didn't want to compete I'd say to walk away.
Is it really worth this stress?
She's the one who's put you in this position.
Agree with Doin - you have the power here.

I had a planned c section for medical reasons (so set up in exactly the same way as an elective) and it was fine. That's not everyone's experience but why anyone would take this thread as an opportunity yo complain about other people making different choices from them I do not know.

OP, I think you should just point out to this lady that it's a hobby, you're still recovering from surgery, you have a 12 week old breastfed baby and she can have the help you're willing to offer or no help at all. I hope you heal up soon and congratulations on your baby!

I am guessing archery or rowing

@FairfaxAikman - I think it is time to be blunt with this person - send her a message saying that there are two choices - either you help out, but on your terms, as previously stated; or you will be attending and competing, but will not be helping at all - end of subject.

Just go back with ‘if you are unable to accommodate my request for light duties I will regrettably be unable to help and will compete only’. Just smile and repeat. Let her get angry, ignore.

Have you tried Manuka ointment? I used that for my section scar and it healed very well .

I'd tweak this a little further and delete last part

Dear Club Leader

As you know, for the past X years, I have been instrumental in the set up of the annual competition and put in a lot of time and effort to help everything run smoothly. However, I have just given birth so this year I am only available to compete. Any other work that I have done in the past must be distributed to other members. If this is not possible for you to arrange, I must unfortunately decline to participate in the competition this year and will pass on this information to the other team members. who will be very disappointed they will be unable to compete as a result of your decision

Many thanks, Fairfax

My guess is curling.

The woman is being unreasonable. I'd send one of the suggested responses that you are only there to compete this weekend, and if that's a problem, you'll let the team know her decision leaves you unable to compete, thus fucking them over.

'I do pick my battles'.

Yes but the point is that if you are actually someone who 'isn't a pushover' then they rarely become battles as said bully doesn't even go there. They know that there are people you don't try and shit with, and people who will let you be rude/bullying/dictate to them and not say anything. You are the second type, OP!

most of the time most of the diktats requests aren't a big deal or worth causing team disharmony over. - but she would be the one causing disharmony. You're equals here. She may be club leader but you are all equal adults who choose to give up your free time. There shouldn't be a hierarchy and the fact that there is at all shows that what you have is a slight bully who is being allowed to get away with being that way.

You say that she has a history of 'humorous digs' - does she do this to everyone? Or just you, or just a couple of you? I'm betting that there are at least one or two in the group who don't get that treatment. Watch how they interact with her and that will show you why they don't get that treatment.

It's all about the power balance, and it's very nuanced. Your approach of ignoring digs and letting things go and 'picking your battles' has simply shown this woman that she can say what she likes to you and you won't push back. You need to stop that - and done in the right way, it shouldn't cause disharmony. Start here. Send her a friendly message which also says - fuck off, it's not happening. No negotiating. Treat her as someone you don't have to listen to. Treat her as someone you don't have to keep happy.

And next time there's a dig at you - turn to look at her. Raise an eyebrow. 'Can you repeat that?' 'Did you just actually say that?' or even 'Ok X, let's make that the last of the hilarious digs shall we?' is a good start.

I’m betting cross fit