DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

All you can say to dd2 is that it isn’t your car to give. It shouldn’t even be discussed with dd1, it isn’t her problem but it is HER car.
As for dd2 a car at 17 isn’t essential. Tell her you will pay for lessons and when she has passed her test ,and for her 18th birthday, you will give her the best car you can afford. There should be no further discussion on the matter.

Yanbu Op. You are doing your best. Sure, hard for DD2, but what does she want you to do? Tell her to go and guilt trip her dad instead. And polish your crystal ball while you're at it.

She's lucky she's got parents who will buy her a car! A lot of kids don't.
It's a privilege not a necessity.

And of course she shouldn't take something that doesn't belong to her.
Does she think she can take her friends belongings too?

Tell her to stop being so spoiled and she will get what she gets! If you can't afford it then you can't afford it!

You GAVE her the car as a present.

You absolutely can NOT take it back - it belongs to her!

She's 17 surely she can understand that your situation has changed?? In a year she could be at uni herself living independently with bills to pay. Now might be the best time to discuss managing finances with her. Of course it isn't fair in monetary terms but I would have thought she should be able to understand that you are trying. You can't take your dd1 car off of her just to please dd2.

Could her father not contribute anything towards a car for DD2?

She is still getting lessons and a car!!!! If she was getting nothing it would be unfair!!!!

Its still unfair. 5k car vs 500 car, some lessons vs all lessons.

Stop pretending its not unfair. It just IS.

MiggeldyHiggins

Life ISNT fair 🤷‍♀️

I never said it was. Just acknowledge that its unfair rather than pretending it is.

Could she not get a job and buy her own car ? Mine did as we couldn't afford to buy for them. Most of their friends were given cars on 17th birthdays and know mine were a bit fed up not to have the same, but knew we couldn't and never said a word to us about life being unfair. It is, get used to it. They appreciate things so much more when they have paid with their hard earned cash.

I can sort of see her point, entitled attitude aside, if DD1 is off to uni she probably won't need a car as much so maybe she could take the £500 car and they can switch term about?

She's 17, not 7.
Sit her down, explain the situation.
List everything she's had over the years that DD1 hasn't had.
Explain that your financial situation changed very very suddenly.
Explain that you will be going into debt to get her a car.
List everything DD1 has spent on maintaining the value of her car in the past few years.

Does she even NEED a car? Really? Does she plan on going to uni?

It's DD1's car and she shouldn't have to give it up. It's not her fault your situation has changed. DD2 is old enough to understand why she can't have the same as much as you'd like too.
It sucks but that's the way life goes sometimes. Most 17 year olds would be thrilled with a £500 car.

DD1 doesn't have to give it up, but in terms of being a nice sister or understanding of the difference in their situation she may like to do a nice thing. I think people are bashing DD2 for being a brat, but DD1 is being equally inconsiderate. She was lucky to get an expensive gift, if it had been the other way round surely she would have appreciated the thought. Why not share term about?

My car cost about 4K three years ago, I would be lucky to get more than 1.5k now. Her 5k car if it was sold is not going to get much and when divided by 2 even less. Similar happened to a family member but with a house deposit. There was a promise that all though they could no longer help in the way the helped the first child they would either help when they can or even up at inheritance with interest.

That's just mad, of cours DD2 can't just have her sister's car!!!
It's a shame you can't do the same for them both, but that's life sometimes, so DD2 wil, just have to put up with a cheaper car!

sounds similar to me, years ago my eldest brother and sister (10 years older) both got insurance, car and lessons paid for, other sister (4 years older) got insured on parents car and lessons paid for and could use the car whenever, when it came to me unfortunately money was tight so I paid for my own lessons but couldn’t afford to be insured on either parents car and they couldn’t afford it either.
Your DD2 shouldn’t expect the car especially if she knows situation had changed. Not fair on you. I know if this was my situation demanding a siblings car would make my mum feel terrible about herself!
Tell her she could’ve saved and put towards a car with your £500 but as she hasn’t that’s all that is in the car fund, take it or leave it. Or.. could you get a cheap one on finance? Not ideal but some are about £90 a month.. maybe DD2 could pay you that and use the 500 for deposit? Some only need £100 deposit so could save yourself 400 x

that was more of an essay than planned sorry!

Your DD2 is old enough to understand that circumstances change. I grew up with an older DB and DSis, my dad paid for my sister to go to Uni, not that I wanted to go but when my turn came, his business wasn't doing so well and no way could they have afforded it.

It is your DD1's car, presumably legally in her name. It would be wrong to take it away from her and you've said she pays all the expenses towards it. Sounds like if your DD2 had that car or any car, it wouldn't be her paying for the pleasure of it.

I want your car. Give it to me now.

Is this the society we now live in?

I'm torn here. I'm your DD2 but in reverse. My parents were on the bones of their arses skint for much of my childhood and were just starting to be more comfortable when I was learning to drive. I got no pocket money at all though and was made to get a weekend job at 14, then when the time came I paid for every driving lesson, my car and the extortionate insurance as well as rent to my parents and anything else I wanted.

My brother is 6 years younger and by the time he was 17 my parents were much more well off yet they paid for EVERYTHING. All of his lessons, two theory tests, two practical tests, they bought his car, subbed his insurance and even gave him petrol money when he'd spent all his wages on cigarettes and socialising. He's 22 now, still lives at home, earns almost as much as I do (a pretty decent full time salary) and my dad admitted that my brother doesn't pay any rent or lift a finger around the house.

I'm bitter as fuck about the whole thing, to be honest. But in your situation you can't take DD1's car back or expect her to sell it, and your DD2 is being pretty fucking awful for suggesting that she should get it just because it's unfair and she wants it. You couldn't have known what would happen in the future and sometimes it just is what it is, however shit.

17 year olds are pretty self centred generally.
Have you actually sat down and explained to her?
Or do you think she just "knows" the situation - i bet she doesn't understand/know the full extent and consequences to her demanding a car. Talk to her.

It's not yours to take. She's a 20 year old woman with a car she pays for herself!

OP both my younger sisters were given cars at 17 after I had to scrimp and save to buy mine, finally got my car when I was nearly 19. When I was 17 my mum was broke, scrimping and saving to raise her three daughters after my dad disappeared from our lives overnight leaving her with crippling debt. Even through all that, she managed to help me out and paid my insurance for me. This also helped her out as meant I was able to help with picking up my sisters etc.

Often people joke that my mum doesn't love me as much as them but what they didn't see, and what I know, is that my mum would have bought me the world if she could have afforded it and I will never hold it against her that I didn't get the same privileges as my sisters.

At the time I felt hard done by, but hindsight allows me to see how hard my mum worked to provide for us. She worked overtime to afford my insurance and I hope she knows how much I truly appreciate what she did for me as I'm sure your DD will one day.

It's not 'unfair'. 'Unfair' would be this happening without the change in circumstances.

Your dd2 is getting exactly the same in the circumstances that can be afforded at the time. She's still getting a car, and as much of insurance paid as is possible for her mother. It's unfortunate (not 'unfair') that those circumstances mean her gift is less generous, but it would be a terrible wrong to dd1 to have the gift given to her two or three years ago and carefully looked after and paid for since then, and needed on a day-to-day basis, taken away from her to satisfy her sister's sense of injustice.

If you feel it really necessary, you can promise your dd2 that, should things get better for you financially, you will give her the equivalent amount of money to spend on a better car as soon as you are able. But tbvh, I would be telling this girl that you are doing the very best you can for her in straitened circumstances because you love her and she can either accept that graciously or get nothing.

I'm usually very sensitive to favouritism and scapegoat/golden child dynamics, but I really don't get the sense that that's what's happening here.