DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

At the time dd1 got the car dd2 didn't want it.
That's rubbish. She couldn't learn to drive at 14yo. It's not about wanting one at that age. It would have been silly to get her one to sit on the drive for 3 years without her being able to use one, but if she'd been told that being given one at that point was an option she might well have accepted.

It's such a shame that all DD2 is thinking about is the money.

Not how difficult it would be for you to pay or how you've struggled bringing the £ in but what she can get.

Seems she's incredibly materialistic and one reason that growing up with money can be a curse, not a blessing.

I can see why she's upset about it. I think most of us would've perceived only the monetary injustice at 16. As adults, we have a far more nuanced perspective of the world and of finance, but it's unreasonable to expect a 16 year old - who previously had seemingly unlimited access to money and things - to see it the same way.

That being said, I think you need to give her an ultimatum. She can take what you're offering: the 500k car, some money towards the insurance, and driving lessons. Or she can leave it. There is no room for negotiation beyond that. I suspect that she will strop about it for a few days but eventually take the offer.

Oops, not 500k car!

You definitely shouldn't take the car from DD1. You were in better circunstances back then, and I'm sure DD2 also got expensive gifts at the time.

Honestly, what I would suggest is being clear to DD2 about how circunstances change and offer her a deal: 500 pounds in her hand, or both of you save together for say, a year. Everything she saves herself by both working and using public transport, you add the same amount.

Yes, public transport sucks. It currently takes me 40 minutes to do a bus journey I could make in 10 minutes by car. You can get used to it, though. The only reason I am saving for a car is that I visit my parents every weekend and that means reliying on car shares, because a bus from one city to another is ridiculously pricy.

I am a few years ahead of you but in similar situation. Wanted to help DCs get cars. Paid lesson and put up money towards a car on passing tests. There was a spare car but that was rejected.

One kept trying for more and more money, was warned to stop but didn't. Ended up with no help towards a car
Other gave it the sob story about not able to get credit and needed a better car for transporting their DCs. Loaned the money. Didn't pay all the money back.
There will be no more gifts loans or cars
The delightful ex has not put a penny forward for lessons, cars repairs, insurance etc. Does use the car I paid for.
What I see is that OP and me as mothers try to help our DCs, the Ex does nothing and still OP and me, the mothers who gave, are the ones getting the grief and demands over the situation. Do the DCs not actually see this!

OP, you've been through a really awful few years and I think you sound like a lovely Mum. In your situation, I think I'd have a chat with DD2 (when you are both feeling calm!) and explain what you've said on here about how hard you've been trying. Also explain that throughout their lives you will always try to be fair to your DDs (but this does not mean always being EQUAL).

Talk through possible solutions with DD2 (I would leave DD1 out of this - not fair to involve her). Perhaps DD2 could be insured on your car for a while, whilst she is learning to drive and whilst she lives at home? Presumably she doesn't 'need' her own car right now? With a bit more time, both you and she could save a bit more money towards buying a car in the future. You can pick up a very good second hand car for under £2000. It really is unnecessary to spend £5000. I agree with pps, that it might be false economy to only spend £500 on a banger. You/DD2 may just end up spending more on repairs.

Focus when the time comes on choosing a car which she would like, without obsessing about it having to cost £5000. (FWIW, Alfa Romeos are beautiful looking, but overpriced - so if DD2 is clever she could get a similar car/different make for less than an Alfa)

Good luck!

This is a very hard situation, you obviously cannot sell DD1s car, especially as she has invested so much of her own money in it but I can see why DD2 is upset.

Your DD1 got a nice car that has lasted many years, will take her to uni etc. That is a hugely different gift to an old banger that will probably break down or cost lots of money before DD2 gets to go to uni, it's not the money spent it's more the difference that the levels of car will make at that age. DD1's car has set her up much more than DD2s car will, it is a different gift.

However essentially DD2 has got to suck it up, which is hard for a 17yr old to do, it is an unfair situation, very unfair but you simply can't give DD2 what you have DD1. It does to me seem like you like DD1 more than DD2, and maybe DD2 picks up on that? I think you sound tired of DD2

Look at it as the cost of a car being a % of what money is available.

DD1 was gifted a car which as a % of available funds at the time was x%. As parents were wealthy.

DD2 is to be gifted £500 plus 'help' with insurance etc.

However at present as a % of the less available funds the £500 is likely to be very much higher %. i.e. x% +++z

It's certainly a bummer for DD2, but is not mum's fault.
Mum is doing her best in a difficult situation and getting berated for it.

I can't believe the comments in this thread saying that mother failed to provide when she hadn't set aside an equivalent sum for when dd 2 reached 17.

As mentioned by previous poster, mum didnt know her lifestyle was going to change. And what ££ she had probably went to keeping herself and two FEw clothes and fed.

I'm sure if and when mum's circumstances improve, mum would hope to make it up to DD2.
In the meantime mum can't get a quart (2 pints) out of a one pint pot.

Dd 2 could perhaps be patient.

I was in a similar position as the daugher. My brother inherited my fathers car, when I was a similar age, I of course got nothing.
Unfortunately this is life.
You are doing the best that you can, and your younger daughter, although upset by the inequality is being a brat by not acknowledging that you cant do anymore.
And you certainly cant take a car of your elder daughter that she has looked after and maintained.

Its a cheaper car or no car. And I got nothing. It happened lots of times, cousins got help from grandparents, I as the youngest didnt. Family member got a reduced house price, arranged by another family member, I didnt.
This will always happen, and people saying you must treat them the same, irrespective of your current financial situation are Trolls.

Ooops ..... Keeping 2 dds clothed and fed.

It's DD1s car you can't get her gift back

Wow, your poor DD2. That's really shit.

DD1 keeps her car (its hers afterall) but save to get DD2 a decent second car. The bitterness won't ever go otherwise.

Also, you do sound like you prefer DD1. Golden girl and DD2 is the one who can't save, is spoilt, blah blah. Maybe you don't feel like that but it comes across like that and I wonder if it comes across like that to DD2 too.

That's rubbish. She couldn't learn to drive at 14yo.

That's exactly why she didn't want one then?! When I was 14 I had a lot of money spent on me on things my brother didn't want. He was 17 and got the new car etc. I didn't want a car then because I had no use for one. When I was 17 the money had gone. No driving lessons for me, never mind new car etc. I understood, without needing it spelt out, that the money had gone and it just wasn't an option. I had no expectation that my Mum, who had lost everything, would somehow stump up to match what my brother had had.

I was in the same situation as DD2 here. If anyone should understand her POV here it is me. Yes, the situation did suck, but it was what it was, I never blamed my Mum for it. It's not that I have no sympathy for her, it's that I absolutely understand the situation so I know that a teenager in that situation is more than capable of understanding the situation and dealing with it.

Hopefully, when she and OP have both calmed down and talked a bit more about it they will reach an understanding. I just don't get how people can blame the OP for not being able to treat them equally. It's not through choice. You can never give all your children the exact same things through life, being fair does not mean giving them all the same irrespective of circumstances.

Glad to see someone else who has been through it categed agrees! I'm beginning to wonder if there is something wrong with me not having been more entitled as a teen!

Can totally relate to how your dd2 is feeling, whatever circumstances are financially you did it for one and not the other course problems are going to arise. It will be hard for her to understand shes also done well with things in the past.

Sibling rivalry is a nightmare Ive been in that situation, and my husband and his sister are always at loggerheads.

Think kids just expect far too much off their parents, I had no financial help at all learning to drive let alone a car and insurance and none of my siblings did. My elder sister has always given her older kids alot and it has backfired now her younger ones are growing up.

A compromise may be in order if possible ☺

Totally understandable that it feels unfair to DD2, because it is unfair - and presumably these huge changes have been traumatic for everyone in the family.

However, some perspective needed: it's a car. A practical, material object that will get her from A to B. It's not like you paid for a private education for DD1, or her uni fees, or bought her a house, or any other genuinely life-changing opportunity, and now can't do the same for DD2 (which might have been the case, as a PP actually did experience it with the private/state school imbalance). As a 17-year-old I would have found it very tough to see the family and its finances fall apart, but I cannot conceive of guilt-tripping my mother and being so appalling ungrateful (taking a wad of cash and stalking off, trying to emotionally blackmail my sister into giving up a years-old present) if my mother was clearly working her arse off to offer me what she could (and far more than most DC get). Yes it's a really tough time for everyone, but DD2 really needs to grow up.

Just get some paper and SHOW her how things have changed. SHOW her the income you had when dd1 was 17 vs the income you have now, explain why that happened, and stop treating her like she's just being a little cunt. She's really not, she's incredibly hurt at the first genuinely unfair situation of her life and she's acting out against you because you seem, to her, to be the perpetrator. Show her you have had to take a loan but simply cannot have any more. SHOW her your credit score. You want her to be realistic? Show her the reality of the situation. It's stupid to expect reallistic behaviour from a teenager who was previously very wealthy and spoilt. She didn't make HERSELF wealthy and spoilt, you did. It's down to you to fix it as painlessly and kindly as you can.

Never mind all this "She needs a wake up call" "She needs to grow up, when I was 17 I drove a yoghurt and I LIKED it!" crap. She had everything, it was taken away, he sister had everything at still has what she kept, it's unfair and it deserves an explanation.

No I'm sorry, why tf should the OP pander to her DD2's spoilt nature? She's still being offered lessons and a car - just because the car isn't the same value it shouldn't be some huge issue! She is being incredibly ungrateful and I don't see why dd1 should be punished by having to give up her car. DD2 could have saved money and contributed that to a nicer car; in fact, she still could. There are loads of kids who get no help towards learning to drive - I didn't learn until 23 as no one was paying for my lessons and buying me a car! She needs a sharp dose of reality. If the OP could buy her a nicer car she would, but she can't. It's not like it's some kind of punishment or favouritism which would, of course, be unacceptable. OP genuinely cannot afford it. I completely disagree with everyone saying this is unfair on DD2 - it's just life and she still gets to learn to drive and have a car! I mean, good grief. And, hey, it may encourage her to be a bit more savvy with finances when she realises how circumstances can change.

If having to give up a five thousand pound car is a punishment, so is not being given one.

This girl hasn't done anything wrong. SHe was unlucky enough to be born second, that's her fucking crime!

I completely disagree with everyone saying this is unfair on DD2

You can't disagree on that, its a categorical fact that it is unfair. One sister gets much much more than the other, thats unfair. There may be good reasons etc, but it simply IS unfair.

I’d remind her that she has two parents, had she saved her £500 from her dad she could’ve had a £1k car or more if she saves, it’s shit for her and you know that but it’s not your fault or her sisters. Ask her to speak to Dad to see if he can contribute to a car to help out.

My son is 17 soon, he will get driving lessons if wanted and that’s it. If he wants a car he will need to buy his own. I don’t really want my 17 year old driving about town anyway, he’s also not driving my car. I can’t afford insurance as a single parent, I have 3 other kids they will get their lessons paid for but they can fund a car - I didn’t get lessons or a car either mum was on low income and before I left for uni I was on as much as she was so paid a lot of the bills.
Don’t feel bad, do what you can afford and do not get into debt to buy a more expensive car on top of what you’ve already taken out

... also, DD1 has spent £ to maintain her car, while DD2 seems disinclined to invest her £500 gift from her father in a better car. She sounds like someone for whom driving an old banger for the first few years after her test may be a good idea.

You gave both girls the best car you could afford to give them.
DD1 has spent her own money on upkeep, DD2 has spent hers on other things.
If your DD2 is old enough to be going to college, shes old enough to understand that parents don't get unlimited money to give their kids whatever they want.

I think you are doing the best you can. Tell dd2 to bloody grow up and stop being ungrateful. Things change in life you just have to suck it up and move on.
I have 2 older siblings. My parents paid for them both to have endless driving lessons until they passed their tests. But by my turn parents were in financial difficulty so I got to do one test which I failed but after that had to pay myself. In the end I didn't have the money so didn't pass my test until I was 28!
DM got some inheritance before older sibling got married. So she paid a large amount toward his wedding. By the time I got married the money had all gone and me and DH paid entirely for our wedding.
Older siblings also got years of free childcare from DM and didn't have to pay a penny in nursery fees. By the time I had DS my DM was ill and unable to help me.
I don't begrudge any of my family. Life changes beyond our control sometimes and we just have to change with it.
Your dd2 should be grateful for what she has.

She is still getting lessons and a car!!!! If she was getting nothing it would be unfair!!!! Good grief. No wonder so many teens are such spoiled brats. Clearly parents will bend over backwards to reward entitled behaviour even to the detriment of their own fincances or by taking away from someone else (in this case dd1). Ridiculous.