DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

If you can’t on.y afford £500 fro a car then how can you affford to insure it it’s going to be at least £1000 probably more
So your going to pay out probably twice what the car is worth to insure it
Madness

People saying it's not fair. Life sometimes isn't fair and when families break up it majorly affects finances. She is old enough to understand this if explained to her properly.

Op don't pussy foot around her, tell her she can't have her sisters birthday present and explain that you don't have the money to buy the same car for her.

I was the younger child in a 'broken home' so I understand how it works and I wouldn't have dreamed of begrudging my brother the things and opportunities he had that I didn't.

Parents can only do the best with what they have at the time, that includes knowledge and resources.

If your younger daughter and you let dd1 sell her car then shame on you both.

The car was a gift to DD1 - you don't ask for a gift back and I'm amazed people are suggesting you should.

Would they say the same if it was, for example, an expensive watch?

DD2 needs to cop on a bit, OP is doing her best to make sure that at least she has a car. Three years ago there was far less effort required as funds were so plentiful, the value of OPs contribution is not being appreciated by DD2.

If she truely is quite spoilt then its a good lesson that life is life shit happens things change. Get on with it. You could ask your dd to sell and split the difference but if she says no then she says no

I can sort of see her point, entitled attitude aside, if DD1 is off to uni she probably won't need a car as much so maybe she could take the £500 car and they can switch term about
Only DD2 will probably take an equal lack of care with it that she has with other expensive items and trash it, wasting all the effort and money that DD1 has put in. Why is DD2 going to need it so much more than DD1? DD1 needs it to get home to see her family and boyfriend, to get to work (in a rural location so probably not great public transport), and to have a social life. DD2 only needs it for a social life and could cope for now with public transport & lifts from OP. And DD2 is being offered a car! It's not as if OP is saying 'tough, you can't have one'. OP is putting herself into debt for it. I think OP needs to explain exactly what the financial situation is and was to DD2 because DD2 is being bratty and needs to learn that situations change and you have to go with that. If she'd looked after laptops etc she could have flogged them now for some extra cash. She could have saved the £500 from her dad. Etc. Etc.

DD2 is being spoilt making these demands... unfortunately life throws unexpected twists and turns out way and we have to deal with them! It's a great life lesson at an early age!

She is still getting lessons, insurance and £500 towards a car - it is very spoilt behaviour to then complain about the cost of her sister's car in comparison. I'm sure she wouldn't be complaining if you were better off now than when DD1 got her car and you were in a position to spend more money on her car!

And to the poster who said the OP should have spent less on DD1's car and saved the remainder for DD2 - isn't hindsight a wonderful thing? I am sure if the OP had enough thought she would be in her current financial situation at the time, she would have done that!

At the end of the day, a car is a luxury, not a necessity and DD2 would do well to realise this and appreciate what the OP has offered her. Some children wouldn't even get that!

In all honesty I wouldn't involve your eldest daughter in any discussions about this. It's placing her in the middle of an unfortunate situation.
Maybe if DD2 wants a more expensive car you can tell her you will match her savings towards it? That way she can actually help contribute to what she wants (or is demanding) and but it will also allow you time to put away a bit extra. Tell her she has 3 months to see what she can come up with.
My younger brother was given a car, my sister and I didn't get anything like that. I would never have demanded one though…

I can't think of any 17 year old in this day who wouldn't be upset about her sister getting a car ten times worth hers. There's good reasons for it which you have explained, but the way you go about it is a bit weird. Why are you blaming her for not saving for a car? Your DD1 didn't and she got a 5K car, lessons and insurance paid for. It's not your DD2's fault for not saving.

I just want to point out that in the modern world, many families are blended and children have different mothers or fathers of varying wealth. This was the case with my brother and I. He is six years younger and has had to fund his driving himself as our DM isn’t wealthy and his dad isn’t skint but is tight fisted so won’t cough up. My DF is wealthy so he paid for all of my lessons, test and first car. Likewise my DM and former stepdad struggled to pay for my dbro’s residential trips, nice trainers etc whereas my DM didn’t have that worry with me because of my DF’s wealth.

That may be a tangent but it happens and children just have to accept the inequality I’m afraid, however unfair it may seem. The world is unfair! We live in a capitalist society, wealth isn’t distributed evenly. If DD2 had been more responsible with the money gifted to her and her wages, she may have enough to get a more expensive car. It isn’t your fault OP, you are trying your best. She should go whinging to her dad in my opinion...

She really is old enough to understand 'that was then and this is now - we don't have the money', isn't she?

Poor DD1, imagine the resentment if she had to sell her car or give it to DD2.

Don't even talk about it to DD1, it was a gift, not her problem that DD2 has no concept of money/saving.

When you bought the car for DD1 you should have put aside an equivalent amount for DD2 so when the time came she'd be treated the same. (You say money was plentiful) Of course DD1 shouldn't have to give her car back! Sadly children see these things as favouritism and not bad luck/ circumstance.

Is she really oblivious to the change in circumstances though?

"I’m already contributing towards insurance, lessons and offering to buy her a cheap car. This is more than most kids get and I’m trying my best to ensure she has a car and can drive. I’m even taking out a loan to help with this as it’s important to me."
"To give DD2 similar I am working extra hours, taking out a loan, working so hard to try. "

Does she not SEE you working extra hours and cutting back on luxuries for yourself? Did she not notice you all moved house and realise why that was? I really think you are very overdue to have the "we are much poorer now, I'm already taking out loans for what youve had, theres only so much I can do."

I think people are confusing "fair" with "equal". If anything, in terms of effort and sacrifice from the OP, DD2 is getting MORE. The fact that twice the effort results in half the income isnt fair and isnt anyones fault, but its how things are now. Its also not DD1s fault that her birthday came when the family had way more money, why is she being punished by people saying her car that shes paid for and looked after should be taken from her, whats she done thats so wrong?

Spartacunt

Life doesn't work like that. When you have bills going out and not enough coming in, you don't leave thousands in the bank for a present. DD2 needs to grow up and realise her mother doesn't have superpowers, but has kept her fed, clothes and with a roof over her head. There are people starving, for god's sake.

I really don't get this - it's ok for dd2 to feel resentful and not dd1.

It's not ok for DD2 to feel resentful but what is the OP actually meant to do? She can't take someone else's car to give away/sell. She's already working her tits off to scrape some money together. She cannot afford to give the same gift at the moment, it's not possible.

Also, a £500 car doesn't necessarily mean loads of repairs. I paid £500 for mine 2 years ago and so far haven't paid anything out other than MOTs etc. Obviously I'm going to have a huge bill now because I've tempted fate!

At any time during this ‘buy me a car’ shit has your daughter shown any concern for you? How your circumstances have changed? Considered you at all while blowing all and any cash she’s earnt on tat?
If not why not? Why on earth do you want to put yourself into debt for such selfishness?
Your dd2 should be told save up like her sister and stop expecting bank of mum to fund her.
Your exh helped buy the first car and he should buy the second as you’re paying for everything else including mortgage. Plus bringing them up. Tell her that.
Sorry if I’m out of order but parents constantly buying working children stuff always results in increasing demands.

I feel sorry for you I’ve been there myself with 2 of mine. My youngest (22) is the only one who won’t accept any money and insists it’s wrong he wants to be independent. Also the only one I get presents from. Fucks me off

I really don’t know. I get how unfair it must feel but at the same time she’s not a little child, she must know how rough the divorce has been on you and have some understanding of the financial implications of it, and I can’t imagine being so angry with my mum and sister over this at her age.

She’s still being bought a car, insurance and lessons, more than most kids get. More than I got! My younger brother had lessons because by the time he turned 17 my dad was earning much more. That’s life surely? I love him, he’s my brother, I didn’t begrudge him having something he needed and wanted and that was newly possible.

Also this really made me laugh -

Last week she spent £30 on a wand. I mean literally a wooden stick.

Spartacunt

They lost all their money, including savings. Even if they had put money aside for DD2, it wouldn't still be there now, would it?

Poor DD2! Didn’t you think when you bought DD1 a car that you’d need a similar pool of savings for DD2? Way to ruin your relationship with her. Yes, circumstances have changed but then you shouldn’t have been so extravagant with DD1 a couple of years back if there wasn’t a chance to do the same for DD2. Surely you’d have known this then?!

It’s all very well saying she’s getting more than most kids, and that’s true, but more than most kids and way less then her Perfect Peter-like elder sister. Why don’t you get her a new one on a lease? Some are only £150/month.

"Poor DD2! Didn’t you think when you bought DD1 a car that you’d need a similar pool of savings for DD2?"

OP has explained all of this more than once.

When they bought DD1 the car, they thought they would also be able to buy one of the same value for DD2 when the time came.

If the OP had the benefit of a crystal ball to see the future with regards to their loss of income and savings in the years between buying her DD1 a car and DD2 wanting one of the same value now, no doubt she'd have used it to win the lottery and wouldn't have this problem anyway.

OP tell DD1 not to concern herself with what her younger sister wants. I know you said you haven't told her what to do with her car, but just by asking her opinion you have given her some of the responsibility to decide. And that isn't fair either.

It's not her responsibility to fix this 'unfairness' and DD2 needs to learn that life does not always go to plan.

This might be a good moment for her to learn to save and budget for things she wants, because nobody, not even you, can foresee how things might change in just a couple of years.

She is 17. Tell her to lose the attitude or you won't be buying her any car.

Circumstances change and if your DD2 hasn't noticed you are struggling it might be time to spell it out to her.

Also keep this inequality in mind and when you are able help DD2 more than DD1.

I say it as a third child in a family where both my siblings got substantial help from our parents - think flats and houses bought for them and I got nothing as I'm 10 years younger and they couldn't help me when I was leaving home. Interestingly I'm in a much better financial position now than both my siblings and don't owe my parents(or anybody) anything which is great!

Sometimes getting things handed to you can hinder the independence and development.