DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

You can’t sell dd1s car it’s not yours to sell especially if she’s paid upkeep etc on it.

You can only do what you can do, the fact your taking out a loan is bonkers and more than a lot would do. So actually your doing your best and it must be gratIng that she’s not more thankful. It’s hard I can see why she’s annoyed at the unfairness, but it is just life it’s not her sisters fault or yours.

Basically it's the equivalent of your DD1 now demanding a couple of grand to travel abroad via that's what her sister had.

I feel for dd2 as someone who was offered 1 driving lesson (I declined as couldn't afford to do the rest myself) as opposed to db2 who had all lessons and tests paid for and 3 cars either bought for him or given to him when my parents got a new car. Their circumstances had changed over the years to enable them to help db2 out like this. I never resented it as I knew it wasn't possible at the time for me. However I don't think your dd1 should give up her car that was gifted to her and she now pays for and maintains to suit dd2. A cheap run about is all that's needed really in the first year. Would it be possible for you to provide her that with the view of upgrading in a year or 2 if your circumstances change so she doesn't feel like she's getting less?

Sometimes these things are not about the money but about the psychological impact of feeling second best. It comes across in your posts that you favour DD1 imho.

The private loan is from a family member who will lend me some money to pay for driving lessons, etc... It’s still a fair amount and will still have to be paid back, but with no time constraints and obviously no interest

I’d never get a proper loan, have even been rejected by post office who I have heard are more lenient

Basically it's the equivalent of your DD1 now demanding a couple of grand to travel abroad via that's what her sister had.

Of course it isn't. DD1 didn't want it thats why she didn't go. Its the equivalent of saying happy birthday dd1 here is £5000 happy birthday DD2 here is £500.

Sounds like a very similar situation to my family. My brother got driving lessons, a brand new car, insurance paid for etc. I didn't get anything, by the time I was 17 all the money was gone, suddenly and catastrophically, and my parents had split up. I understood that things had changed I never questioned it or resented it. I just got on with life as it now was.

This is not something that you could have anticipated or planned for. Even if you had set aside money at the time with the intention of buying dd2 a car, it would all have been wiped out. It is hard, and it's fair enough to offer her sympathy and realistic alternatives like waiting and saving, but you can't take dd1's car and you can't get into debt to try and match spending when you were in completely different circumstances, that would be ridiculous.

If I were your dd1 and you made me sell my car because my sister was having a tantrum I’d be off to uni and not coming back.
You shouldn’t have even brought it up with her, your issue is dd2 and managing her expectations. Yes it’s shitty and unfair but so is life.

You can’t take the car off DD1. It was a gift and taking it back is outrageous. It’s not DD1s fault that circumstances have changed. Also I presume the car is in DD1s name so it’s hers and that’s that. Explain the situation to DD2 and ask her if it was he other way around would she be happy having her car that was a gift and she’s lovingly maintained taken off her? Probably not.

All those saying 'they couldn't afford it for me but they can now 10 or whatever years later for my sibling and I don't care neither should she' are REALLY missing the point.

You are now an adult applying adult logic to a teenager. Also it's the other way round so not even similar.

You weren't aware of that being a possibility when you did whatever it was, so it wouldn't feel as though you are being rejected. She's finding out her 3 year older sibling got that, and she doesn't don't. Kids know when parents have favourites, financial situation aside. She is totally justified in being upset.

I think here I am damned whatever I do.

To give DD1 her lessons and car, it was effortless. To give DD2 similar I am working extra hours, taking out a loan, working so hard to try. I want her to realise that even if it’s not the same financially, it doesn’t mean she is worth less to me. Effort and work wise, I am putting far more effort into trying to enrich DD2s life. However she is only young and only focusses on the monetary value. If only she realised how much I’m trying for her, maybe then she’d feel less cast aside. I haven’t just gone ‘tough, we’re poor now.’ I’m genuinely trying to make DD2 happy.

It's a situation that really sucks. I'll happily admit to that.
But your DD2 really needs to understand that things could be a lot worse!
My parents bought my youngest sibling a (nice) car, paid for insurance and all driving lessons, not even 6 months later I overheard that they had put £30 in card for my older sibling so she would have some cash to spend on her 'weekend break' aka a caravan on cheap loan from a friend at a small seaside area with kids in tow. Now that is plain unfair! And a complete joke, even with their financial troubles they don't think of anything of buying organic meat or a weekend away for themselves.

Have you sat down and laid it out to her OP?

I know she’s 16, but even at that age I think most people would be mortified that they’d made such a song and dance over a situation like this.

She doesn’t need the doom and gloom version, but the basic facts so she can see the effort you’re going to to try and ensure there is some kind of parity with her sister.

If she’s in the dark and then finds out when she’s older about how bad the situation actually was, she’ll be ashamed of her behaviour- sit her down to avoid that.

I won’t bring up the fact I spent more on DD2 when she was younger either. She was a bright, sparky kid whereas DD1 was very withdrawn and DD2 loved all these opportunities. She’s now happy and confident, very well rounded apart from when she has these selfish blips.

To give DD1 her lessons and car, it was effortless. To give DD2 similar I am working extra hours, taking out a loan, working so hard to try.

Have you said this to her? Teenagers don’t always have the life experience to really understand where things come from, perhaps if you really spell out what you’re doing for her she’ll calm down a bit.

I’m amazed at some of the vitriol being shown to an anonymous 17 year old child here, and saddened that her own mother isn’t even sticking up for her.

Yes it’s unfair - there’s no two ways about it. And unfortunately as a teen you do tend to be a bit self-centric and very good at seeing how the world is unfair to you. Making mistakes is part of learning and I’m sure in time she’ll appreciate the sacrifices you’ve made for her and cringe at her current behaviour.

I would acknowledge how she’s feeling - it’s quite unusual for a first year uni student at least to not take a car to uni (no parking, expense, city driving when you’re used to more rural/ suburban driving) so I don’t actually think she was being unreasonable to think she may inherit the car. My brother inherited the one I was gifted at 17 when I went to uni - luckily by the time I was home he was at uni so I had it back for a year whilst I saved for my own.

I would sit down and be frank with her - you are offering the best you can, it’s unfortunate and you don’t like it either but it’s the situation you’re all in. Encourage her to see the positives in the situation - she will probably have a few prangs in her first year or so of driving but she probably won’t have to fork out £2000 to rectify them! It could be the making of her and actually teach her a thing or two about money.

More importantly I would show a little compassion to her - she probably doesn’t know the total value of her childhood privileges, but if she’s a little spoilt she didn’t raise herself!

And yes I’ve sat down with her. I’ve had I’m sorry we are not in the same financial position, but that she WILL drive and have a car. I’ve said I can’t give her as much as DD1 had, but I will try my best and work hard to ensure she has the freedom of driving. Gave her the option of a cheap car now or a more expensive one in August. This was when she was flew off the handle and demanded she get DD1s car as she’s at uni ‘and doesn’t need it as much as I do” being her exact words.

We’ve spoken since and she said sorry, but we’ve not spoken about what she wants to do since.

Its the equivalent of saying happy birthday dd1 here is £5000 happy birthday DD2 here is £500.

No it isn't. At the time dd1 got the car dd2 didn't want it. At the time dd2 got the trips dd1 didn't want them. Now dd2 does want a car, so what if dd1 also wanted the trips?

It goes "Happy Birthday DD1, here is a car that we can easily afford to give you in the current circumstances." Then "Happy Birthday DD2, here is a car that I'm really struggling to afford for you now but I'm afraid it's the best I can do in the current circumstances."

It's not like OP has just decided she doesn't want to spend the money. She can't go back in time and unspend the money on DD1. She can't take the car off DD1 who is an adult and it belongs to her. She can't magic £5k out of thin air to spend the same. She's doing the very best she can and that is being thrown back in her face by DD2, and half of the people on this thread. DD2 is very lucky to be getting what she is, given the situation.

Take a chainsaw to DD1's car and cut it in half.

Alternately, (if you actually legally own DD1's car) sell it, buy them two decent bikes and invest what's left of the money (or repay debt, whichever).
Very few students actually need a car, utter waste of money and natural resources.

Can your ex not match your contribution to DD2 to help with a car etc as he did for DD1 when you were together? Why is he not contributing towards a car for DD2 after all you are not the only parent in this...

“We’ve spoken since and she said sorry, but we’ve not spoken about what she wants to do since.”

Is it possible she’s now just a tad sheepish?

Might be worth having another conversation?

I’d give her the benefit of the doubt at this point- there’s a reasonable chance that she blew up and has now actually had a chance to digest what you said about your new circumstances, hence the apology, and she’s too embarrassed to bring it up again?

I cant believe people are still sore and aggrieved that they didn't get the same as their siblings due to chamges in parental circumstances.

My parents lost everything when i was 12. My oldest sister was fully supported through uni until her last year. She had holidays etc that i just couldn't be given. However my parents did what they could for me. So why would i feel upset. Even now a sibling has a massive deposit for house paid the rest got nothing.

Explain to your daughter that the gift you are offering her, as a percentage of house hold income is actually far greater than what her sister got. You need to point our the facts that to do this you are cleaning yourself out.

Dd1 keeps the car unless dd2 puts hwr hand in her pocket to share the holidays and dancong costs.

Keep your chin up, you are doing a great job. Please don't take more debt. Your children are old enough to help and pay digs and buy their own treats.

There's so many bitches on this thread that can't read.

I'm sorry that DD2 is making life difficult, I'm sure it's probably tied into the dramatic changes that have occurred. You are doing amazingly well to be able to offer her anything! You've probably already tried, but it might be worth sitting her down and fully explaining the financial issues. Be clear that you know it's not fair but it's the situation you're in and you've worked really hard to offer her as much as you possibly can.

Sorry you're having to deal with this and everything else since it all went wrong. You'll emerge stronger and whilst they might not realise it now, they will when they're older xx

I think you should say to DD2 that when the whole family was rich, she got her share. It's unfortunate that the money's gone when she wants a car, but basically she wasn't hard done by in terms of how much was spent on her when there was money to spend - in fact, she had more, and I would point that out, not because you grudge it, but to show you want to give her all you can, and when you could, you did.

If it isn't there, that's the way it is. There is no money tree - and I would tell her you've had to take a loan out as it is. Ask her if she really wants to do that to her sister - I really doubt she does. And you don't have to make it up to her - being broke isn't morally wrong, you didn't go bankrupt to spite her. If you make more money later on, that's great, maybe you can hand over more - but she is getting a decent gift of driving lessons and insurance and car, even a cheapie, and she should realise that it's not nothing, and it's not to be mean.