DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

That's very sad and hurtful, but I think that this is not the case here - the fact that OP is so worried about it and trying to do her best suggests she is a loving mother. I am sorry for how your parents treated you though.

We have four kids over 12 years and tie ourselves into knots trying to ensure things are "fair" as our financial circumstances have changed

Instead of tying yourself in knots, why not just be honest with the children and allow them to grow up understanding that money is not representative of how much you love them, and that money comes and goes and they shouldn't measure your love by how much you spend?

Instead of tying yourself in knots, why not just be honest with the children and allow them to grow up understanding that money is not representative of how much you love them, and that money comes and goes and they shouldn't measure your love by how much you spend

^ this! My mum has paid for several long haul trips for my brother and even bought him a house (!) I know without a doubt she loves me just as much as him. Being fair isn't always the same as being equal.

Should have, should have, it's 'should have' and NOT 'should of'.

Arrggh!!

Thank-you, @crispysausagerolls - you are right that it does sound as if the OP is very different to my mum.

I think all I was trying to say is that, even as an adult, who appreciates the choices parents have to make, I can still also understand how the younger dd could be perceiving a lack of fairness and feeling hurt by it - which is why I suggested the OP shouldn’t change her decision, or ask her dd1 to give up the car, but could acknowledge her dd2’s feelings - whilst still making it clear why she can’t do anything different.

It may also be worth remembering that, at 17, this girl is still an adolescent, and the teenage brain undergoes structural changes during adolescence - a kind of rewiring - and whilst this is happening, they can lose some abilities - self control, empathy, sense of proportion - the writer Charlie Taylor describes it as almost a form of temporary brain damage, in his book Divas and Doorslammers - which may be contributing to why the dd2 is reacting the way she is. But it is temporary - when the changes settle down, they do get most, if not all, of these abilities back, so hopefully in the future, she will come to realise how self centred and unreasonable she was being, even if she can’t now.

Wow, all those people suggesting that OP sells her own car to buy her teenage daughter with no driving experience a nice one, or gives said teenage daughter with no driving experience her car and drives around in an old banger.....I do hope you are joking because that's taking parental sacrifice a bit too far.

Oh my goodness, such a lot of angst and drama over nothing

DD2 is not going to get her sisters car and she is not going to get a £5,000 car either, end of story. It's impossible.

She is getting a £500 car and that's the end. If she gave me one more bit of hassle over this I would be telling her the deal's off and give her a bike.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

I agree that OP should acknowledge it might not feel fair, and that she feels bad about it but equally if OP makes too big a thing about it, her daughter might see it as something she can keep bringing up, and use it as a stick to beat OP with, which wouldn't be right.

I am interested in posters talking about exact financial fairness though - what if you have 2 children and 10,000£ to give. One child is living in dire straits and really needs the money, the other child is extremely well-off and does not need it. Would you still split the money 50/50?

I absolutely agree, @crispysausagerolls.

And thanks to your user name, I have added sausage rolls to tomorrow’s Tesco order, for my lunch. You are a star.

I'd be telling DD2 not to act like a spoilt cunt for starters, she must know and understand that circumstances have changed?

I'm sat here reading posters 'solutions' with my jaw on the fucking floor.

*You also could perhaps ask dd1 to lend you some of the money she’s saved for university.

If you have a car why dont you give her your car and YOU buy yourself a £500 and you pay for the insurnce and all the lessons.*

Both of those solutions however, are fucking insane.

Just caught up with this ! Full of batshit suggestions of how OP can try to make this more fair.
In short, the money has gone so it a cheap car rental nothing. I really feel its that simple.
And I don't think we will see OP again

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

Hahaha amazing! Enjoy!

The opposite situation happened to me. I was given my mum's old car for my 18th birthday, which I was very happy with, worth about £2.5k. Until my sister turned 18 three years later and was bought a brand new car, in the style colour of her choice, which cost them £7k. Their financial circumstances hadn't changed either. To me it just screamed 'we love her more' and still gets to me now. It isn't about the cost or what it is, it's about the connotations that come with it. I think children should always be treated equally.

I would buy your daughter whatever car you can afford and save up to give her the difference in the future. Or get her dad to help buy it.

FuckPants

You've got the most sensible post here. I'm truly baffled by some suggestions.

Seriously OP, what does DD2 think you should do? And why is she not understanding that the money is just not there?

I can see it from DD2 perspective. My brother had his lessons, test, insurance and first car bought. Unfortunately again financial situations changed for my mum and me and my little brother still can't drive because we've never been able to afford. So we don't have the luxury. My big brother can drive and now owns a flashy car. It's a punch in the gut.

But I'd still never take it away from him. I'm currently slowly getting driving. It's just taking me alot longer. How about you help her save? Sit an explain how it is and hopefully she will understand.

Also worth noting when my brother turned 21 he also got a holiday paid for and spends because it was a rare occasion my dad made an appearance. But come my 21st I got 150 pounds because money again was tight and my dad disappeared.

But I also don't hold that against him because it isn't his fault and in all honesty my mum has been there for me at my worst times. Which is worth more than a car and holiday. I love her for it and know wholeheartedly she would give me if she could.

I think children should always be treated equally.

But how if it's not possible? As I said above, it's like me asking my parents for the 100k that it cost to educate my brothers, years later.

at this thread.

I'm so glad my parents didn't have the money to give us expensive gifts going by the attitudes of some posters on here.

OP DD2 needs a reality check I'm afraid. Maybe if she sold all those expensive gadgets your ex bought her she could put the money towards a car.

DD1 should get the cheap car and DD2 her sisters. That way they both get a few years with the nice car.

Or sell DD1s and split the cos to get 2 average cars.

You and DD1 know that the situation had changed, so does DD2 but it still seems horrifically unfair to her. Plus, you will hear 'you prefer DD1' for many years to come.

Should have, should have, it's 'should have' and NOT 'should of'.

Arrggh!!

This

Of you got a problem moredoll?

Hi op, I really feel for you. It sounds like such a tricky situation. I would sit dd2 down and explain that you can only provide a maximum of £500 for a car. I would then suggest that she asks her dad to either match it or pay more if he can afford it. That will then focus her attention on your ex. He needs to pay too, I don't understand why it seems to be only you who is paying

Or sell DD1s and split the cos to get 2 average cars.

How can people make it clearer that the car is no longer the OP's to sell? She does not own it. It is not hers.

Circumstances have sadly changed. Younger daughter should realise that the OP is working all the hours she can and is taking out a loan to provide that she can. She's old enough to be aware of how things are.

LemonysSnicket

Come on, it's the sister's car. If it had been bought for her with the understanding she could only have it until DD2 could drive that would but one thing, but you can't just take a gift back like that. It sounds like she has worked incredibly hard to take the car with her too. I don't know about you, but I am deeply attached to my car (it's my first) and I would be horrified if my father just decided to take it from me after all the money, time and effort I've spent on it over the years.

Or sell DD1s and split the cos to get 2 average cars.

And what about the £2000 of dd1's own money that she has spent on the car? Will she get that back before the money is split?