DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

When are people going to get it a "cheap" car is a false economy for example my sister bought a car for £800 within 3 months she had spent another £400 on in issues after a further 6 months it needed another £700 of work and in the next 6 months after it needed £600 of more work

so in 15 months it had cost her 1700 in repairs and if she had not wasted her money she would of gotten a semi decent car for £2500 that would cost afraction of the cost the "cheap" car would of cost her.

She did not see this just that she can not afford a 2500 car but she could find that amount to keep repairing her "cheap" car.

My boys know that just because I can afford something this week, it doesn't necessarily follow that I will be able to afford it next week. My oldest son needed a new bat for the start of the cricket season which cost £200 and I had at the time so he got it. By pure bad luck my youngest broke his bat in the first week of the season but he knew that we had had particularly large outgoings that month so he negotiated with another player and bought one of his spare bats for £70, even though he had his heart set on another, pricier one.

They both know that they can have what I can afford at the time. It could just as easily have been the other way round. I think your problem is that your younger dd is equating money with love and fairness. You need to have a proper conversation with her emphasising that whilst you understand that she feels hurt you are unable right now to do anything about it. The choice is a cheap car or no car. You definitely should not be getting into debt for it.

Given that DD2 isn't going to be needing a car that often (she must be managing fine right now without it) why can't she borrow OP's (if convenient) sometimes while OP tries to put some more money aside? It seems daft buying another car that won't get used that much when there isn't the money.

quin - when buying one daughter a 5k car she should of put the money away for the other daughter at the same time. yes life changes but she would of had that money then.

Oh dear god. The OP has EXPLAINED that all available savings went to paying the debts. Even if they had put 5k in savings at the time, it would have been SPENT to try and keep a roof over their heads.

Are some posters on a wind up?

For my youngest brother's 21st birthday he got a huge expensive meal at a Michelin star restaurant for 1k or more. I got to go to the Good Earth Chinese and the cinema, total cost approx 150£. I actually find this a hilarious story, it doesn't bother me and I assume there was a good financial reason for it - or maybe there wasn't and my mother wasn't in the mood to plan anything. Either way, she has used love to make me feel loved and not money and beyond finding it an amusing story I don't care.

The better idea would be for the OP to save up more money rather then buying her DD2 a car thats going to cost her DD2 a lot of money to run.

Maybe balance the books by giving your DD1 token presents for her birthday and your DD2 money towards her car?

My dad had a successful business & 2 of my brothers were handed the keys to a brand new Golf on their 18th birthday. The government made some changes & my dad could no longer run his business & it slowly went under. I didn't get any car on my 18th birthday & neither did my other brother but we were fine about it. Any car would have been amazing but it just wasn't possible. I know my parents felt terrible but they just didn't have the money. I equally didn't expect my brothers to sell their car or give me cash. If you don't have the money your daughter just has to accept that. She old enough to understand your circumstances have Changed.

Also like to add that my eldest brothers had a monthly allowance which paid their student flat & food whilst at uni. They also lived their whole life in a huge house in the country with land for horses. Not once did I complain I didn't have the same as my brothers.

We still had our house but we no longer had money. Eventually the My dad got depression then cancer & hasn't worked since.

When are people going to get it a "cheap" car is a false economy for example my sister bought a car for £800 within 3 months she had spent another £400 on in issues after a further 6 months it needed another £700 of work and in the next 6 months after it needed £600 of more work
She should have got it checked out first, then she'd have known what she was letting herself in for. That's what I'd suggest OP does.

worridmum

People who talk about 'false economies' almost always have money. The OP can't afford more than £500. The choices are a banger, or no car.

pen - no car would be better then a shitty banger thats going to be a money pit.

Op please dont be guilted into this. Life changes. It's u fair you lost all your money. It's unfair your eldest maybe didn't get all thr opportunities that your second did due to finances at that time.
17 is old enough to understand that the money is gone. I understood at 12, my dh at 14. The boom and bust of the 80s and 90s.
You are being a great mum but this whole sitiation is ridiculous. Does your 17 year old understand that there is no money and that you could lose the house if anything goes wrong. To me that care and desire to support is worth more than £5000 to a wealthy person.

backinthatdress

I would have no problem with that.

People who talk about 'false economies' almost always have money. The OP can't afford more than £500. The choices are a banger, or no car.

Also, if things need replacing it's a spread cost - maybe a couple of hundred every 6-12 months. DD2 can learn some responsibility and save some money up for these eventualities, instead of spending money on wands.

I did not have the money i saved money up to get a car that would be far cheaper to run.

We were both on the same salary had same out goings (both lived at home with parents).

You need a toaster whats better spending £30 for one that will last 2+ years or buying one for £10 that will most likely break in 3 - 6 months?

worridmum

That's great for you. The OP can't do that at the moment.

Would it be a life lesson if the OP started charging her DD1 a random 400-1000 a year for to simulate how much DD2 car is going to cost? a year.

No i thought not so why is it a life lesson to treat your children completely different for the lesson of life is not fair?

pen - lucky its not you buying your kids a car then!

backinthatdress

And why should the OP have more of a problem saying 'no car, then'? What is hard to understand about this situation? She can't afford more than £500.

What do you think she should do?

”For my youngest brother's 21st birthday he got a huge expensive meal at a Michelin star restaurant for 1k or more. I got to go to the Good Earth Chinese and the cinema, total cost approx 150£. I actually find this a hilarious story, it doesn't bother me and I assume there was a good financial reason for it - or maybe there wasn't and my mother wasn't in the mood to plan anything. Either way, she has used love to make me feel loved and not money and beyond finding it an amusing story I don't care”

@crispysausagerolls - my parents (and especially my mum) didn’t make me feel loved - the 18th birthday present thing was a symptom of that, not the only example - if it had been a one-off, and I had felt she loved me as much as she loved dsis, it wouldn’t have hurt me then, or still hurt (a bit) now.

A gift with strings is not a gift worth accepting (the strings in this case is the insane cost of repairs its going to need to keep running).

Why doesn't the OP just admit she cannot give her DD2 something equal rather then ranting about how much of a brat she is being. And suck up the rants.

You are not treating your children equally, your DD1 got it all for free so she was able to save up money to go to uni.

Your DD2 wont have that chance because any of her "savings" will be spent repairing the wreck of the car that you would be able to get for £500 unless you are going to foot the bill for any repairs? (thought not).

You can start fixing this by telling DD2 how you are going to do it? maybe but money into a savings account to actually buy her halfway decent car that wont cost a fortune to run while at the same time giving your DD1 nothing so you can maxism your saving.

A £500 car is not necessarily any more shit than a £2k one; there is zero guarantee that spending more will get you a more reliable set of wheels.

YANBU anyway, OP.

Worrid, the OP has already said
"Alternatively she can wait a bit longer for her car, say till August, as over summer I’ll be around to give her lifts and drive her places. This will allow me to save a bit more so maybe in August I can contribute more to a ‘nicer’ car"

Also, if we're talking fair
"I suppose it’s all worth pointing out that DD2 probably has had more spent on her than her sister, she went on residential trips when DD1 didn’t, her dad always bought her new iPads and Laptops when she broke them, she had many more paid activities than DD1. She had a very fortunate childhood, with lots of things many kids never get to experience. So if you added it up on paper, DD2 has had more spent on her than DD1. "

So we could say that DD2 has already had her fair share.

You can start fixing this by telling DD2 how you are going to do it? maybe but money into a savings account to actually buy her halfway decent car that wont cost a fortune to run while at the same time giving your DD1 nothing so you can maxism your saving.

What an utterly bizarre and entitled thought process.

It's very harsh on your DD2. We have four kids over 12 years and tie ourselves into knots trying to ensure things are "fair" as our financial circumstances have changed, (though fortunately for us circumstances have got better not worse).

I have to say though, if it were my kid sister missing out I would sell my car in a heartbeat and split the money. I don't doubt DH would've done the same for his brother and I hope my kids would do the same for each other.

Currently in our house, DS1 has the use of my old car, which he insures himself. Our two daughters are at uni and share a car funded by us; one is studying abroad, the other is abroad every summer so it works out really well.

Could you put DD on your car insurance while she is at home?