DD2 wants to have DD1s car

[Unsurehere]

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

all this life isnt fair crap as well, no life isnt fair but try telling that to what is still basically half a child!

pen - a £500 car is a shitty car though isnt it! its not a decent car. its still a car yes but its not going to last very long or be very trustworthy like a 5k car so depending on how many problems it has no car might actually be better.

backinthatdress, have you read the OP’s posts, she says very clearly why money wasn’t put aside for DD2:

we didn’t put money aside for DD2 as our financial ruin was very fast, very sudden and very shocking. Any money we did have in savings would have been spent trying to make our debts manageable, deposit on a new house. It was even harder when I split with their father. I’m talking about going from very wealthy to not at all, complete financial ruin

backinthatdress

So you are honestly trying to tell us that when your financial life fell apart and you were behind on the mortgage and the credit card was maxed out and you were struggling to afford basics, you would leave 5k in the bank to buy your DD a car? Seriously? Because I can't help thinking that is idiotic, or not true.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing though isn’t it. Presumably if OP had had the faintest idea how things would turn out she would have done things differently.

It’s a shitty situation for all involved, and I don’t think it’s fair to make out dd2 is being spoilt or ungrateful (it sounds like she has gone through some pretty major upheaval and like the rest of the family is possibly struggling to adjust) but at the same time it’s not the OPs fault that things have changed so dramatically

*I'm amazed at the entitlement some people feel they have to their parent's money.

The money is gone! The wine's been spilled, the song's been sung.

That's how it goes sometimes. She's getting lessons, insurance and a car.*

THIS!!! Wtf is wrong with some of the people on this thread!?! Are people so grabby and competitive about who is given what? Are these the people who used to measure how much squash their brother was given with a ruler compared to theirs? Or go mental if their sibling's Christmas gift was 5£ more expensive.

backinthatdress

'Shitty' is a terrible thing to say about anything someone has sacrificed to buy you. I would be desperately ashamed of my DD if she reacted like that when I was doing my best to treat her.

Don't go into debt just to play at 'being fair', otherwise DD2 will keep beating you with that stick until she bleeds you dry.
DD2 needs to cop on and accept that your financial circumstances have drastically changed and to be grateful for your offer of a cheap car and costs towards insurance.
If it was me, DD2 wouldn't be getting anything until she'd saved up some money and made an effort show some appreciation rather than acting like a spoilt madam.

when buying one daughter a 5k car she should of put the money away for the other daughter at the same time. yes life changes but she would of had that money then.

No, she wouldn’t. She and the ex spent all their savings trying to get out of massive unexpected expenses and debt. The money would have gone then - and did.

It's a crap situation, but at the end of the day financial situations can change. Which in this case it has, DD2 is old enough to understand that. If she wants a flash car then she should contribute towards it and be grateful that you are trying to help her!

I can't believe people are suggestion selling DD1 car, it's been hers for 3 years and she takes good care of it! She has also saved up to take it to uni, that shouldn't be taken away from her.
Also getting a car on finance for a newly passed driver is stupid, what happens if she crashes it and the insurance payout is less than the loans worth? Don't take the risk!

worridmum

It's what she can afford. If it's not good enough for the DD, I'm sure that £500 would be more comfortable in an ISA (in the OP's name).

pen - buying somone a car that will have constant problems is not a treat. its just a pain in the ass, may as well not bother as it will be a waste of money and who will be paying for the constant repairs

dd2 can go jump. Yes its a difference in car and amount paid on her birthday but life changes and she is old enough to understand that. No way would I expect dd1 to be giving up her car to a spoilt child.

backinthatdress - presumably, then, whenever you buy something for your elder child you put away the same amount for the younger so that, when they reach the same age, you've got the money. Good for you! What will you do, however, if something that cost £100 for your elder child costs £150 by the time your younger child needs one? Will you refund the difference to your firstborn?

backinthatdress

The DD doesn't have to accept it, in that case, does she?

God, I am so grateful people in my family are not like this!

It is no different then her you go DD1 for your 17 birthday heres 7k on DD2 17 heres your present £500 and maybe something little towards lessons and insurence.

I bet people would not like grand parents giving DS 1 £100 for his birthday but only giving DD £10 for theres people would be up in arms saying favoritism, this is no different.

The gift car of £500 is in about 2 years going to cost far more then the 5k car so she would be throwing money away.

I can see both sides here - as a parent and an adult, I can see how finances have changed for the OP, and how she is doing the very best she can, for her dd2, under the circumstances. I wouldn’t be happy with her dd2’s reaction, if I were in her shoes.

However, I can also see it from her dd2’s side too. I was the eldest, but was definitely not the golden child, especially as far as mum was concerned - that was my sister. And as mum was the one who ran the family, and made most of the decisions, especially financial ones, I do think dsis got treated better than me - and even though I am in my 50s, it does still hurt, even when I can see the practical reasons behind the decisions.

For example, for my special 18th birthday present from my parents, was a clock radio that cost £21. When my sister turned 18,she got an oboe that cost £250. Logically I know that, as she was going to read music at university, she needed a good instrument, and so it was partly a necessity, as well as being a special present - but in my heart, I still look back and feel that it showed they loved me less.

In the OP’s shoes, I would not change what I had planned - as I said, she is doing her very best, in changed circumstances, and her dd2should be glad she is getting what she is getting - but I would acknowledge that her feelings are hurt, and that is valid too. The OP can’t change what she can afford (and shouldn’t be taking the car back from her dd1or asking her to sell it), but she should explain her reasons, and let her dd2 feel that she has been listened to, and heard.

But pen the "gift" is not a gift if its going to cost a absolute fortune to run you might as well flush it down the toilet.

Lets give a comparson your Sister gets given a nice gift that costs very little to run.

You get a "gift" that becomes a money drain which without amazing luck will cost more then simply not having a car and buying it after 2 years.

A better example would be person A is given a gift it costs them very little to own and use.

Person B is given a gift that will cost a fortune to run and is not worth any of the money invested and so Person B is ungrateful to be given a money drain.

worridmum

Then it's tough. She can't have a car.

backinthatdress That's not really practical, I mean she had no idea she wouldn't still have wealth when it cam to dd2's turn to have a car, look life is shit you don't always get what you want its hard luck but she needs to live in the present and work with what she's got.

And if all was equal that would be right worrid but the drastic change of circumstances means sadly all isn’t equal and everyone has to adjust to that however hard it is

I don't even see how you could take away the dd's car! It's hers. It's her car she owns it. Who paid for it doesn't even matter, the second dd is lucky to get lessons and a runaround. Many of us never had that.

She needs to realise you buy what you can afford, you can't afford a 5000 pound car and she needs to be less spoiled.

backinthatdress : DD2 has been given a choice, get an old banger now or wait for more money to be saved up for a better car. That is a fair deal and if the DD2 is wise she will wait and maybe get a job to help save up some money to get the car she wants/quicker, or take what her mother is able to scrap together. DD1 should never be involved in this, this is not her doing or her fault. Life is tough like that.

Would people have the same responce if the OPs partner had died and left them with nothing? This happens sometimes and people have to adjust dd2 has to adjust to her life where she does not have wealth parents.

If the car was a necklace, or money or something else would dd2 still be able to make the demand?

time - theres a difference to the exact same trip/item increasing in value to giving one child 5k and another £500! if something increases then so be it but the amount dd2 is getting is vastly decreased not increased.