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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 01/06/2018 15:10

Have I misunderstood something here?

The car belongs to OPs 20 year old DD it isn't hers to sell or regift is it?

sunshinesupermum · 01/06/2018 15:15

It's DD1's car. DD2 will have to get used to the fact financially things are no longer the same and be very glad you are helping as much as you can given the circumstances.

MummyPigRules · 01/06/2018 15:16

The wand suggestion is genius

gambaspilpilmyfav · 01/06/2018 15:18

Its DD1 car, therefore not subject to discussion. Your DD2 whilst upset there is nothing you can do about it.

Stompythedinosaur · 01/06/2018 15:23

I don't think you can expect dd1 to give up her car.

It comes across it your posts that you prefer dd1 to dd2, and I wonder whether that is what is really upsetting dd2?

How about just recognising the unfairness of the situation and apologising? And agreeing that in the future, when finances allow, you would intend to make things more equal?

Juells · 01/06/2018 15:24

God, I feel so sorry for DD2

DD1 is The Golden Child, DD2 is the nuisance. Confused

19lottie82 · 01/06/2018 15:28

God, I feel so sorry for DD2

Why? She’s getting a car paid for her!

DD1 is The Golden Child, DD2 is the nuisance.

Oh fuck up Hmm what a load of shite.

PrimalLass · 01/06/2018 15:29

Not every family situation has a golden child and a black sheep.

bastardkitty · 01/06/2018 15:29

So much fantasising on this thread. It's not up to OP to decide what to do with DD1's car because it belongs to DD1. End of. It's a shame OP can't afford to do the same for DD2 but that's just the way it is. It doesn't sound as if she actually needs a car. OP is contributing what she can towards lessons. It's not about golden child/scapegoat. Life has changed.

19lottie82 · 01/06/2018 15:30

“She is 17. Tell her to lose the attitude or you won't be buying her any car.

Circumstances change and if your DD2 hasn't noticed you are struggling it might be time to spell it out to her.”

This...... with bells on!

ZoeWashburne · 01/06/2018 15:30

@juells

Exactly! Plenty of friends I know parent’s bought them a car. But it was clearly still owned by the parents.

This is just perpetuating golden child and screw up child. I really suggest OP thinks of something or you are going to destroy their relationship.

My sister would never be ok knowing she got a 5K gift and I got 500. Part of bearing the financial sacrifice is doing it AS A FAMILY! Not just one child.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 01/06/2018 15:31

Ironically, what you are trying to do for DD2 now is far more effort than you spent on DD1 but, to a 17 year old with an avaricious glint in her eye, it doesn't equate to cold hard cash so it doesn't count, more's the pity.

Nevertheless, I would say stick with your current plan for DD2 and tell her if she wants a better car to turn her "pester power" full blast on to her father for a contribution. Because it's absolutely his responsibility too.

Flaming0 · 01/06/2018 15:34

My parents put a lot of money into a savings account for my older brother and sister for when they went to uni. But then our financial circumstances changed, which meant that they couldn’t afford to save up for me. It’s shit, but it happens, and I never felt cheated. I knew they were still doing what they could, and I still went to uni and was OK.

Don’t let DD1 sell her car, she has been looking after it responsibly and she should keep and enjoy it.

Give DD2 what you can afford without going into debt. She has to understand that it’s the best she’ll get under the circumstances. It’s not like she’s had nothing - she has been given a lot before, but just not a car. She should be grateful that obviously you care so much for her and work hard to support her.

I would tell her about the other gifts she’s had - just to explain that when you had the money you were happy to help either child out with what they wanted or needed, and that you still feel the same way, but unfortunately can’t afford to spend the same kind of money now.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2018 15:35

Jesus wept! The sense of entitlement people have to other people's money! Life is unfair. Diddums. Circumstances change.

I cannot believe you guilted DD1 into selling her car.

Your DD2 needs to grow up some. Getting driving lessons and a car and insurance at all is a huge privilege.

Do not take on more debt for this. That's ridiculous.

TSSDNCOP · 01/06/2018 15:38

It’s awfully bad luck, I feel for Child 2.

Given no one had 🔮 when this situation started there’s nothing to be done now.

It’s got nothing to do with golden children and second sisters being less than, it’s got everything to do with family breakdown and everyone having to hoe a difeeent row.

The poster on Page 1 that referred to the £80 a month SEAT had a good solution I thought.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 15:39

wow this one is tough.and seeing replys on here im on all sides.
could you talk to dd1 and seeing how shed feel if you sold her and got two the same.how its no ones fault that your circumstances have changed but here is where you are and have to treat them both the same.
or go to your dd1 explaining that in terms of how much you can afford she is actually getting the same car its only your funds are less.but the share you giving her from you income is the same.try to get her to see she isn't getting anything less and you wouldn't do that to her.
get both girls sat together and try and come up with something together.let each be honest with eacother.talk like adults that something isgoing to have to change or happen because noones happy.what would each find fair.let each prson speak.minds might change

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/06/2018 15:39

When I was young my parents weren't in a position to pay for a car or driving lessons for me . A couple of years later they could for my sister. I didn't feel at all resentful I was pleased for her.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 15:41

equally though it isn't your dd2 fault your income has changed and any child would feel hard done by if money wasn't over the years shared out.
if you write a will and share the money out equally having two kids, it doesn't suddenly get less for a new child say later on does it if you income lessens.they would still all be given equal.

TSSDNCOP · 01/06/2018 15:41

Bugger, sorry OP I saw the update on your credit history after I posted. I’m really sorry.

I actually think you’re doing your best by DD2, I’m sure that like most of us she will love her car like we all did regardless of its cost.

crispysausagerolls · 01/06/2018 15:41

Oh come on everyone - DD2 is old enough to understand that the money is gone and her mother can't afford it. Maybe it's not "fair" but life isn't fair, and any car is better than no car and she should be grateful. People aren't automatically entitled to something just because their siblings have it, and situations change. You can get something perfectly reasonable for 500. Maybe in a few years time OP can make it up to DD2 by paying for something she didn't do for DD1 e.g wedding costs or something. People can't see into the future and can only do what they think is right at the time. DD1's car is definitely her car and should be treated as such.

expatinscotland · 01/06/2018 15:41

You lease a car for this kid and I can promise you that you will end up in mega debt. I can't believe people are suggesting this. A flash car for a teenager when you've had to borrow money to give her driving lessons.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 15:42

I woud like to think though if mum and dad bought me a car id be happy with it.even if the sis had a better one.id like to think I would...

PrimalLass · 01/06/2018 15:42

The poster on Page 1 that referred to the £80 a month SEAT had a good solution I thought.

How is it a good solution when the OP has explained she can't get credit?

PrimalLass · 01/06/2018 15:44

Oops we cross posted TSSDNCOP.

kateandme · 01/06/2018 15:44

have you explained your money situ to dd2.because wow if mum and dad told me this...id want to help them in any way possible.id feel guilt enough of having any car.things change in familes.you need to work together when they do.be there for the ups and downs.money is such a shitty subject in todays world isn't it