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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD2 wants to have DD1s car

534 replies

Unsurehere · 31/05/2018 22:09

A few years ago, we were very well off and my DD got a £5000 car for her birthday, insurance paid and all driving lessons paid for. DD1 still has the car, uses it regularly get to work and is now 20. In September she is heading to university, but it’s a very rural university and DD has saved up around £4000 this year to allow her to take her car with her. Her car will allow her to work, socialise and come home and see us and her boyfriend more often.

Now, I am not with their father and income is much lower. We have an issue that DD2 is coming up to passing her driving test and due to our financial situation being pretty bad, the most I can do in the way of a car is a £500 run around and paying some of the insurance.

DD2 has demanded that as DD1 will be at uni, she doesn’t need the car and therefore DD2 should be allowed it. She attends the local college and doesn’t want to get the bus. DD1 has cared for the car and it’s still a very nice, well looked after car, worth quite maybe £3500 now. So much nicer than the £500 car I can offer DD2.

However, DD1 has had the car for three years now, it’s HER car, she pays all the bills for the car, upkeep, etc...

DD2 is also very demanding and spoilt, despite us not giving her everything in demand. She’s worked since she was 16, has had ample opportunity to save up something towards a car, yet she hasn’t.

DD1 has also saved very diligently and is very keen on taking the car to university. Like I said, it’s rural and she will benefit from having it.

I understand it’s not nice for DD2 to not get the same privileges as DD1, however I’ve still offered to pay majority of car insurance despite the fact we don’t have a lot of money. Our financial situation has changed a lot and she knows this.

AIBU to think that DD1 should be allowed to keep HER car and that DD2 shouldn’t be expecting it?

Sharing isn’t an option due to distance, and their schedules would clash too much to even consider it!

OP posts:
Bluelady · 01/06/2018 14:08

Bloody hell, OP. Bet you weren't expecting this. Of course you should have got your crystal ball out when you bought the first car and squirrelled the money away for just this contingency. After all everyone can foresee every change in circumstances throughout their life.

The explanation you gave about this gift to DD2 in terms of effort, time and sacrifice was very moving and entirely accurate. If you said exactly that to her she couldn't fail to respond. The fact is that you've done the best you could for each of them as circumstances decreed at the time. It's not your fault your financial situation is now radically different.

19lottie82 · 01/06/2018 14:12

Why don’t you get her a new one on a
lease? Some are only £150/month.

LOL

Are you kidding?

A - The OP is skint. “Only” £150 a month? That’s a shit load to some people you know!

B - You’d need to be an idiot (or very rich) to hand over a brand new car to a teenager who has just passed their test.
If I remember correctly there is a 50% chance they will be involved in an accident during their first year of driving.
Any damage to a lease vehicle and you will get absolutely hammered for repairs.

ZoeWashburne · 01/06/2018 14:14

You should sell the car and give them both 1750 they can use towards a car. DD1 could “buy out” her sister’s share of the car by giving her 1750.

Regardless of circumstances, it’s really, really shitty parenting to give one child this massive gift then claim poverty when it comes to DD2.

Favouritism is soul destroying. I’m not surprised she is upset.

madsiemoomoo · 01/06/2018 14:15

Oh good god, life isn't fair - it's shit but seriously the pp that imply that you should get in debt to make it fair are crazy. You need to sit down with her and explain that financial circumstances have changed and you'll get her a car but can't afford the same type which is unfortunate but it's just how life goes. She's obviously old enough to understand, and is currently just being a brat (who wouldn't at her age?!) but she should be grateful she's getting anything - a lot of people don't!!

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 01/06/2018 14:16

If you'd won the lottery would she say "no mum, it's not fair to buy never a ferrari, dd1 only got a clio" (or whatever it was) I doubt it!

Dd1s car is her property. You can't and shouldn't sell it, lend it or try to put conditions in something that's been her property for a number of years now.

Yes it's hard on dd2 that she doesn't get the same as dd1, but that's life.

As a child we had very little, so no school trips etc, even many local ones. Time moved in, things were more flush. My siblings went on lots of trips, including abroad, foreign holidays, etc etc. Should they have been denied because I was? No, of course not!

PrimalLass · 01/06/2018 14:27

Regardless of circumstances, it’s really, really shitty parenting to give one child this massive gift then claim poverty when it comes to DD2.

What a horrible thing to say. Things happen and life changes. It's also a terrible lesson to teach DD2 that she can stamp her feet and everyone will make things happen for her.

yikesanotherbooboo · 01/06/2018 14:30

I don't understand all the sympathy fo DD2. She is getting a car isn't she? The situation has changed; that's just a fact.She is approaching adulthood and should surely understand that. It's not DD1's responsibility to even everything up.
I think she should look at herself a bit and feel lucky that her Mum is doing her best for her.

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 01/06/2018 14:31

You should sell the car and give them both 1750 they can use towards a car. DD1 could “buy out” her sister’s share of the car by giving her 1750.

The car is only worth whatever it's worth today because dd1 has looked after it and spent money on it. Is dd1 supposed to wave goodbye not just to the car but her own money that she has invested in it?

Leaving aside the fact that the car isn't op's to sell anyway.

StormTreader · 01/06/2018 14:34

"You should sell the car..."

You mean TAKE DD1s car or guilt her into selling it. Its not a shared family asset.

Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 14:39

Regardless of circumstances, it’s really, really shitty parenting to give one child this massive gift then claim poverty when it comes to DD2

No, it isn't. It is great parenting. It is teaching the child that, when the unexpected happens, you still have to live within your means.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/06/2018 14:43

It's also a terrible lesson to teach DD2 that she can stamp her feet and everyone will make things happen for her

Yet apparently fine for her mum to blame her for not saving whilst the eldest got a car worth ten times more Hmm

I get circumstances change but children should be treated equally. Either the money should have been set on one side for Dd2 or the eldest should have been given a £500 runaround too.

PrimalLass · 01/06/2018 14:45

FFS. Have you read the OP's posts?

LagunaBubbles · 01/06/2018 14:46

Regardless of circumstances, it’s really, really shitty parenting to give one child this massive gift then claim poverty when it comes to DD2

Shes not claiming poverty - she is massively less well off due to a divorce. Life and peoples circumstances can change .

Pengggwn · 01/06/2018 14:47

I get circumstances change but children should be treated equally. Either the money should have been set on one side for Dd2 or the eldest should have been given a £500 runaround too.

Then you don't get that circumstances change. Are you honestly saying you would default on your mortgage and keep the money to buy your child an expensive car? Confused

PrimalLass · 01/06/2018 14:47

we didn’t put money aside for DD2 as our financial ruin was very fast, very sudden and very shocking. Any money we did have in savings would have been spent trying to make our debts manageable, deposit on a new house. It was even harder when I split with their father. I’m talking about going from very wealthy to not at all, complete financial ruin. My credit rating is destroyed so a car on finance isn’t an option.

For the non readers.

TellerTuesday4EVA · 01/06/2018 14:49

Horrible situation to find yourself in, luckily I'll never have this as only one child & was an only child myself but I can totally sympathise with your DD.

Personally if I had more than one I couldn't give to one without the other, as a PP said you should of got DD1 at 2.5k car & put 2.5k away for DD2 when it was her time. However hindsight is a wonderful thing....

TroubledLichen · 01/06/2018 14:51

Ah yes shitty parenting to have your marriage break down, an ExH that barely helps and to lose all your money Hmm
The only worse comments are the ones suggesting that the OP, who is completely broke, should get into debt over this.

Yes it sucks for DD2 but it sounds like the OP is doing the best she can, some of the comments are really harsh and it’s incredibly irresponsible to suggest she takes out a loan she can’t afford.

Freaklikemeee · 01/06/2018 14:54

Haven't RTFT, but...

You gave the car to DD1. What happens to it is her decision and not yours. I'm astounded at any suggestion that it should be "taken" from her. What you're talking about is outright theft.

Jaxhog · 01/06/2018 14:55

The car was a GIFT!! You can't take it back.

It's unfortunate, but the ups and downs of the world are a lesson DD2 needs to learn.

BlueSapp · 01/06/2018 14:55

I think her Dad should stump up extra for a car for her, get her to ask him directly.

BlueSapp · 01/06/2018 14:58

Also actually explain to her about the debts and the marriage break up, she might understand rather then just saying no I can't afford it

ChristmasFluff · 01/06/2018 14:58

Life isn't fair and circumstances change - my parents paid for my older sister's wedding, and could not pay anything towards mine and very little towards my little sister's. I was always conscious of their money situation and would never have asked for anything - certainly not driving lessons and a car. You cannot take a gift from someone after 3 years - especially when they have been paying the upkeep etc. Any normal sister will understand - I'd have been horrified if my parents had said to my sister "right, cough up £2000 for your sister's wedding - it's only fair!'

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 01/06/2018 15:00

I think her Dad should stump up extra for a car for her

Precisely. There are two parents here. Even if they were going to give dd2 a car equal in value to dd1's, op should only be responsible for half the amount.

Nikephorus · 01/06/2018 15:04

Last week she spent £30 on a wand. I mean literally a wooden stick.
Suggest that she use her wand to turn the £500 car into a £5k car Grin
(And when she complains that it can't be done, point out that equally you can't just magic up the money either)

HateTheDF · 01/06/2018 15:08

NRTFT but this happened to me in some situations. Growing up we were poor and I am the eldest of 4 children, I didn't get to go to things like school trips abroad or prom or even round to see friends because we just couldn't afford it but then when the others were growing up (a few years behind me) we could afford that stuff and they got to do whatever they wanted. Yes, it annoyed me a bit but these things happen.

It is tough on DD2 but it DD1's car, she's been paying for the upkeep etc and it was a gift. It's a very difficult situation for you and yes it isn't a fancy car like DD1 but it's a lot more than nothing.

Sometimes you can't give your children the same privileges but these things happen and you are making it as fair as you can. Maybe later on in life you'll be able to help out DD2 more than DD1 with something.