To refuse to stop giving my DD money???

[DepressedOtter]

I have 3 DD's, DD1 + DD2 and dd3. All live with me.

Dd1 is 28. works part time. Got into a fair whack of debt and had to move back in with me to try to clear it. She also has a DS aged 3. I look after him for approx 15hrs a week as well as his time at nursery so that she can work. She works approx 26hrs per week but sometimes does up to 30 or as little as 22 (averages 26).

Dd2 is 20. Just left an abusive relationship. Has been here for 2 weeks, no job. But is job hunting while considering studying later in the year. No income, but I buy her food (which is generally pretty cheap. She costs me approx £15 a week total) I also give her £2 for the bus whenever she has an interview, she's had 4 in 2 weeks. Due to her own circumstances she may not be eligible for JSA (a long story) but she is trying as we speak and they may be able to help her with at least advice if not money. But I can't let her starve.

Dd3, disabled, aged 12. Non verbal, in nappies 24/7. Prone to violent meltdowns. Mental age of 3. I am her carer full time and yes, I'm on benefits (burn me for it If you'd like!).

Rent I charge dd1.
Dd1 pays £100 a week, which doesn't even touch what the council are charging me for having her here (£110pw in reduction of HB due to her moving in) let alone her food and her sons food (which I buy) or the rise in bills such as gas and electric - which has been substantial.
All in all having DD1 and her DS here leaves me about 80pw in the hole but I don't say anything as I know she can't really afford to pay any more.

But recently she hasn't even been paying the £100. This week it was £85 but the week before it was £35 she paid, and before that it was £45. Every time I question it she screams and screams at me, which can result in a violent meltdown from dd3.
Dd1 also leaves my house a state most days. She will frequently refuse to help around the house or only do so begrudgingly, even if it's her mess. Sometimes I just leave it for her to sort but sometimes I can't (if for example she has filled my washing machine and there's a load of wet half musty clothes in there while my dirty laundry is backed up). She will leave dishes unwashed for days, to the point where I crack and do them myself.
I'm normally very houseproud and I am miserable with this.
But recently every time I try to say anything about DD1's messiness, lack of reliability with paying (to the point where last week I could not pay my rent to the council, something I can't allow to go on for too long) she screams at me that dd2 is clearly my favourite as she does not have to pay anything and I give her money.

Dd2 does not have to pay for several reasons.
The council aren't charging me anything to have her here (as she has no income).
You can't get blood out of a stone, if I said "pay me £50 a week" or whatever, dd2 would be terrified scrabbling around to sell some of her very few possessions, for £50. Which would help for the first week maybe, but once that money is gone my dd has nothing anymore and I'm no better off for it anyway!
I also don't give my dd money in that sense, as explained I give her £2 for a ticket on the bus when she has a job interview (so she can find work) and I buy her food. She eats cheap stuff which costs me very little.
I also think, given dd1 isn't actually paying what she's costing (which I've tried to tell her but ends in her being shouty, dramatic and saying I favour dd2) she has a right cheek to try and tell me that I can't spend on average £20pw on dd2. Especially because not doing so would mean starving my own child. Something I would not do to either of them (and I would absolutely keep dd1 on no money if she was out of work and could not claim anything)

So tell me, am I being unfair? Dd1 wants me to stop giving dd2 money for interviews and buying food but dd1 isn't exactly forthcoming on how her sister can live on fresh fucking air

Dd1 is s sponge, financially and emotionally, it's time for her to move out, she is a user, you have enough of your plate with an ungrateful abusive leech living with you, give her a month and tell her out she goes

YANBU. You are obviously a good mum. Treating your children fairly does not mean you have to treat them exactly the same - it should be according to their needs.It sounds like DD1 doesn't understand that she is actually costing you money overall, even though she is paying rent. And DD2's money situation will only be temporary until she starts work again. Who wouldn't cut her some slack, especially after leaving an abusive relationship. It's your DD1 who is being unreasonable. Sibling rivalry maybe?

It sounds to me as though DD1 needs an attitude adjustment, a debt management plan (stepchange?) and either to pay her full costs or get a new address.

Your DD2 seems to have escaped a bad situation as is working to rebuild her life - good for her!

Dd1 needs to take responsibility for herself. A 28 year old screaming at her mother? What a brat

DD1 needs to move out. She sounds very immature and unpleasant.

DD1 would find herself homeless if she lived in my house. No way would I make the others suffer, get you into financial trouble paying your rent and face possible eviction yourself.

I'm quite tough on things like this. My dd is currently doing A levels which I know is stressful. She's not bothered to get a part time job and has moaned at me because I bought a new pair of shoes last week and she felt put out she hasn't got new ones. That's her problem, we pay for everything else for her but if she wants fancy stuff she can bloody well work for it like the rest of us did.

I’d ask your eldest daughter to move out & when she questions why - give her all the reasons you’ve stated here.

If she is 28 & can’t have a reasonable conversation about finances & living arrangements without screaming then she needs to leave.

I think you should maybe try and take your eldest DD out somewhere for a coffee and a chat. She is less likely to kick off in public and if she does, it won't affect DD3.
I wouldn't try and enter into an argument about ' fair' or not. She will feel it isn't fair whatever.
I'd be very clear and hold your boundaries. Firstly empathise with her feelings, allow her to have her say if she can do it calmly and non- abusively. Then just tell her you have decided X and Y and Z and are happy to explain your reasoning if she wants but are not arguing about it. It is your home and you decide what to do
Write down income and expenditure costs for you regarding Dd1 and 2.
Eg DD1, pays X amount, costs you y amount in additional expenditure (include a the amount your DD would have to pay for 15 hours nursery as a cost to you)
Then do the same for DD2. Give it to Dd1 so she can see it all in writing, but keep a copy in case she has a tantrum and acrews it up or something.
Then follow up with reassurances that you love all your DDs but they have very different needs so fair doesn't mean exactly equal. Finally explain that if she want to keep living with you, she needs to stop screaming and shouting and do her fair share of housework etc. If she is feeling overwhelmed by the amount she has to do you are happy to support her in trying to structure her week but that things have to change!

Cut the financial picture down to DD1, especially that whilst she pays £100, you loose £110 + food, gas, electric and if you where to take cost price for her living with you, you would need to be asking closer to the £200 mark. DD2 will be paying some rent when she gets a job? IF so point this out and the rate you will be setting for her.

DD1 needs to move out. She sounds very immature and unpleasant.
This ^^. She seems to have forgotten that you're doing her a big favour.
I hope that DD2 is doing her fair share around the home in return for her food & bed? As long as she is & is trying to find a job I don't see a problem with the arrangement you have with her.
Sounds like a lousy situation for you.

YANBU. Your middle daughter has only been in your house for a couple of weeks and seems to be doing her best to get on her feet after an abusive relationship. At a very young age as well. Kudos to her.

Your eldest daughter, OTOH, seems to be taking advantage of your goodwill in many respects. I think she should increase her working hours to full time. She could then pay off her debts more quickly and contribute properly to your household. Though I would say you are well within your rights to give her an ultimatum. For example, you could insist she pull her weight in terms of household chores, treat you with respect (how can you put up with her screaming at you in your own home?), and pay the agreed upon rent. If she can’t keep to those terms, she can move out.

Sorry for my ignorance but how do you lose £110 per week housing benefit if you are housing your daughter and grandson. Is it because she works? Surely you are doing SS a favour because they would have to accommodate them? Sorry but I am completely clueless you do seem to have such a lot to deal with.

I think DD1 is being a CF if im honest. Where else could she have a roof over her head, electric, gas, food,water, broadband (presumably) and a babysitter/childcare for £100 a week? I imagine she would be receiving WTC & CTC? I work roughly the same hours as she is, and I receive TC, so she can more than afford £100 a week. Its clear she does as she pleases with her money, so you can do as you please with your money, you dont have to explain to her why you give DD2 what you do, although, she should be more understanding as to why you are helping out DD2 the way you are. As for cleaning up after her self, shes just being lazy, she would have to do it herself if she was to have her own place, If she is going to act like a child, treat her like a child, tell her "My house, My rules" She should be doing all she can to show appreciation of you not putting both her and GS on the streets. Maybe you have to be cruel to be kind, refuse to babysit when she is at work, or tell her you want paying for it or change the password for broadband daily and give it to her when she has pulled her weight or paid what she owes.. It sounds like you have a lot going on with DD3 without DD1 having a tantrum.

Dd1 definitely needs to go.

I am the same age as your eldest and have a career, three DC and have lived alone since I was 16. I do have some debt, it’s never left me crawling back to my mum. I also wouldn’t dream of having a brattish screaming fit at my mother because I am an adult and don’t remember the last time I acted like that...

Your eldest DD really does need to stand on her own two feet. She is a Mother and an adult, she has been an adult for a decade ffs. She is sponging and showing you a great deal of disrespect. You are a saint for putting up with it as long as you have, especially leaving your house in a state too.

Give her a month to find her own place, that might seem tough but she bloody needs a kick up the backside.

Also working full time and no doubt getting CB and tax credits for her DS, she DEFINITELY has enough to give you more than £100 a week. She’s a CF.

Your middle DD has fled abuse and is trying her best to get back on her feet, she is also eight years younger which makes a huge difference imo. I don’t see much mention of her leaving stagnant washing up for days either. Tell your eldest to leave.

When dd2 gets a job, she will also be paying rent (or, more likely, moving out quickly. Dd2 is lovely but really does prefer to be independent). Which will be whatever the council charge me due to the reduction in HB+ whatever else she costs me (or as close to that as she can afford) I would never profit from my children, but also can't have them here for free if I am losing money because of it. The exact £ dd2 has to pay will depend what she earns. It could be anywhere from £20 to £100+ depending on her wage.
I have tried to talk to dd1 in a coffee shop, but she did shout at me and walk away. That was 2 weeks ago.
If I'm honest dd2 does more than her fair share, she does all of her own cleaning and cooking, her own washing etc. she will also watch dd3 for me (can't be left alone) so I can go out, just to do shopping etc but getting dd3 out can be very hard so it makes a huge difference for me when dd2 watches her for me to do basic errands, or for an hour so I can actually have a bath or just sit for a bit.
Dd1 will barely clean up after herself and her son.

This week it was £85 but the week before it was £35 she paid, and before that it was £45. Every time I question it she screams and screams at me, which can result in a violent meltdown from dd3.

That would be enough for me to kick my daughter out. How dare your older kids upset your disabled daughter! Who is the only one who is dependent. The others just choose to still be dependent.

And how dare she scream at you?! If you had a husband who screamed at you would you take that? How would you advise a friend?

These are not the actions of someone who cares about you or their disabled sibling. You must stop enabling it.

Add up min wage x15 hours per week and tell her thats what she is getting that her sister isnt getting. Free childcare.

user1457017537

I get housing benefit as I have no (non benefit) income, basically.
But now I have a working adult with a wage in my household, so the housing benefit reduces accordingly. (By £110 a week) which means I must now find that money myself to give to the council in rent, as housing benefit does not cover it

YADNBU.

I agree with @HollyGoLoudly "You are obviously a good mum. Treating your children fairly does not mean you have to treat them exactly the same - it should be according to their needs."

DD sounds like she has some huge issues. Has she got mental health issues, or been in an abusive relationship? Could it be PTSD or ASD or anything else? "Every time I question it she screams and screams at me, which can result in a violent meltdown from dd3. "

(MY dd has ASD and I've had a few melt downs with her.)

"Dd1 wants me to stop giving dd2 money for interviews and buying food but dd1 isn't exactly forthcoming on how her sister can live on fresh fucking air." Please, please tell dd1 it none of her business what you pay for for her sister.

DD1 needs to get herself sorted out and move out, and find work and if she is lucky enough for you to help her with her child is is getting about £50 a day from you in free child care (or however much it is worth) for every day you look after her child for her.

www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/childcare-costs#how-much-does-childcare-cost

Your dd1 has some issues, if she works on them I would consider whether you can allow her to stay at your house and also continue to help her with your grandson. But this is a favour to her and it is none of her business what else you spend your money on.

and find more regular stable work

FFS at 28 I'd been moved out and working full-time for 6 years and married for 3 (and no, this isn't a tale from the dark ages - I'm only 32 now!). DD1 needs to grow up and get out.

you need to sit down with DD1 and be explicit. you need to tell her that having her and her son staying is costing you £110 per week in loss of benefits because she is earning. DD2 does not cost this because she isn't. its pretty straightforward really and you need to just keep saying this over and over again until it sinks in.

she should be paying at least £110 per week to cover your losses. this isn't about you making money out of your children. its about you not losing any because of them being there.

set a time limit as in "DD1 in 2 weeks time, I expect £130 per week rent and board. if you cant/wont pay this then you need to be looking for somewhere else to live as I cannot continue with this relationship. you can shout. you can scream. but if you don't pay then you are out."

DD1 is enjoying having someone else to share the care of her child. its time she stepped up to the plate or stepped out. no other options for you really.

anyone of 28 who shouts favourite child under these circumstances is showing themselves to be very childish. I would just be laughing at her when she kicks off to be honest.

DD1 needs to move out ASAP. She’s clearly not happy with your arrangements in your house.

It’s time to tell her a few facts and time for her to sort out her own mess both physical and mental. She sounds pretty awful tbh. Good luck with getting her out.

You’ve tried to help and she’s behaving like an especially tiresome 13 year old. Time to go.