To refuse to stop giving my DD money???

[DepressedOtter]

I have 3 DD's, DD1 + DD2 and dd3. All live with me.

Dd1 is 28. works part time. Got into a fair whack of debt and had to move back in with me to try to clear it. She also has a DS aged 3. I look after him for approx 15hrs a week as well as his time at nursery so that she can work. She works approx 26hrs per week but sometimes does up to 30 or as little as 22 (averages 26).

Dd2 is 20. Just left an abusive relationship. Has been here for 2 weeks, no job. But is job hunting while considering studying later in the year. No income, but I buy her food (which is generally pretty cheap. She costs me approx £15 a week total) I also give her £2 for the bus whenever she has an interview, she's had 4 in 2 weeks. Due to her own circumstances she may not be eligible for JSA (a long story) but she is trying as we speak and they may be able to help her with at least advice if not money. But I can't let her starve.

Dd3, disabled, aged 12. Non verbal, in nappies 24/7. Prone to violent meltdowns. Mental age of 3. I am her carer full time and yes, I'm on benefits (burn me for it If you'd like!).

Rent I charge dd1.
Dd1 pays £100 a week, which doesn't even touch what the council are charging me for having her here (£110pw in reduction of HB due to her moving in) let alone her food and her sons food (which I buy) or the rise in bills such as gas and electric - which has been substantial.
All in all having DD1 and her DS here leaves me about 80pw in the hole but I don't say anything as I know she can't really afford to pay any more.

But recently she hasn't even been paying the £100. This week it was £85 but the week before it was £35 she paid, and before that it was £45. Every time I question it she screams and screams at me, which can result in a violent meltdown from dd3.
Dd1 also leaves my house a state most days. She will frequently refuse to help around the house or only do so begrudgingly, even if it's her mess. Sometimes I just leave it for her to sort but sometimes I can't (if for example she has filled my washing machine and there's a load of wet half musty clothes in there while my dirty laundry is backed up). She will leave dishes unwashed for days, to the point where I crack and do them myself.
I'm normally very houseproud and I am miserable with this.
But recently every time I try to say anything about DD1's messiness, lack of reliability with paying (to the point where last week I could not pay my rent to the council, something I can't allow to go on for too long) she screams at me that dd2 is clearly my favourite as she does not have to pay anything and I give her money.

Dd2 does not have to pay for several reasons.
The council aren't charging me anything to have her here (as she has no income).
You can't get blood out of a stone, if I said "pay me £50 a week" or whatever, dd2 would be terrified scrabbling around to sell some of her very few possessions, for £50. Which would help for the first week maybe, but once that money is gone my dd has nothing anymore and I'm no better off for it anyway!
I also don't give my dd money in that sense, as explained I give her £2 for a ticket on the bus when she has a job interview (so she can find work) and I buy her food. She eats cheap stuff which costs me very little.
I also think, given dd1 isn't actually paying what she's costing (which I've tried to tell her but ends in her being shouty, dramatic and saying I favour dd2) she has a right cheek to try and tell me that I can't spend on average £20pw on dd2. Especially because not doing so would mean starving my own child. Something I would not do to either of them (and I would absolutely keep dd1 on no money if she was out of work and could not claim anything)

So tell me, am I being unfair? Dd1 wants me to stop giving dd2 money for interviews and buying food but dd1 isn't exactly forthcoming on how her sister can live on fresh fucking air

You need to check with the LA that the correct non-dependant deduction is being applied to your housing benefit
This link from Shelter shows that the maximum deduction is £98.30 per week and that is when the person working is earning in excess of £439 per week. england.shelter.org.uk/legal/benefits/housing_benefit/benefit_rates/benefit_rates_201819/deductions_201819#0

Your dd1 is massively out of order. Everytime she says stuff say lm sorry you feel like that and repeat you need the proper rent. This is emotional blackmail so don't get into an argument just state your case. Maybe say if she is not happy to pay 100 a week then she is free to go. You are not throwing her out she is making a choice.
To keep the peace for a while while don't you pay dd2 for looking after dd3 so instead of handing her 5 pounds for bus etc give her 5 pounds for minding dd3 so she has her own money to go to interviews. Then dd1 can't throw that at you.
When people shout the best response is one line..we had an agreement l need that rent. Keep saying it.
You are a good mum , helpful and kind but your dd 1 is trying to take advantage , big time. Free childcare..she would be a fool to give that up.

there is no excuse for being an asswhole but some kids are.comparing one dd whos acting badly because of her shit times to the other who isn't I don't think is helpful.

Dd1 is s sponge, financially and emotionally, it's time for her to move out, she is a user, you have enough of your plate with an ungrateful abusive leech living with you, give her a month and tell her out she goes

Nuff said.

I agree that it's your house your rules. You should be telling her what she needs to do in order to keep staying there, not the other way round. She has absolutely no right to complain or make any comments about how you spend your money, especially when you have no idea how she is spending her own money. I think engaging with Step Change or something similar should be non negotiable if she wants to live with you.

Do you actually really want her to stay living in your house? I think someone that puts drinking and smoking ahead of paying her portion of the rent needs a reality check. Does she know you are now in arrears?

She doesn't get to dictate to you on the question of her debts, what they are, how to settle them, or the question of the agreed rent, or her contribution to the house.

I suggest you swallow your misgivings about kicking her and DGS out.

Tell her she will be homeless as of X date if there is no massive improvement in all areas. She needs to make a plan to settle her debt and inform you that this is being done. She doesn't have to tell you what the debt is for. She needs to contribute the full amount the council is charging you plus a fixed amount for food and childcare. This should be done by standing order, no cash, no cheques, no IOUs. Household chores for herself and DGS must be done.

The payment of rent plus food and childcare costs is obv the most important. She also needs to make up the arrears from the £35 and £85 weeks. Tell her she needs to set up a standing order or pack her traps and leave. Or you should pack her stuff and leave it outside.

This will be very hard as she has the little one in tow, but the father should be contributing to childcare and upkeep costs for this child.

You can't save everyone in this situation and you can't risk being evicted and losing everything. Something has to give.

I think OP meant that DD1 thought her earnings needed to be bellow £1200 and it wouldn't affect OPs HB?

Agree that a benefit check for everyone in the household is a good idea. Do you have any health problems yourself OP?

Ultimatum? Go to step change or leave (I'll look after ds until you're sorted).

Make a list of what she's costing you so she can see in black and white why she has to at least pay you the full £100 pw. You know that losing money like this is unsustainable for you and you'll end up with vast arrears which you'll never pay off?

DD1 is taking the piss - royally!

You’re being a good caring mother, but you’re teaching her nothing except the next time she gets in debt you’ll be her fallback.

She’s irresponsible with money, irresponsible with chores and disrespectful to you.

Yanbu at all. I don’t advocate throwing children out (no matter wat age), but DD1 is taking the mick.

Based only on your original post only.

I know it would be painful for you but you need to throw DD1 the fuck out of your house.

Ungrateful, abusive, selfish, lazy, entitled 28 year old sponger needs to grow up. If she is old enough to have a child, she's old enough to look after it and herself. Her attitude towards her siblings is pure jealousy and is atrocious. Her treatment of you is disrespectful in the extreme.

You provide her with so much support and she treats you like this, it's beyond disgraceful.

Another question, your daughter and her ex are on good terms, so what's the situation with maintenance? You're feeding their son, we know your daughter has money and attitude problems, but what's the dad's excuse?

I'd sit her down And show her exactly how much she is costing you and how much she is saving by you doing her Childcare and if she isn't willing to plug the gap then you've no choice but to le5 her move out.

Amen to that Eveforever.

It's time to do DD1 and kick her out. I know it's emotionally charged but honestly you need to push her to grow up. As someone else pointed out, DD1 has been an adult for 10 years.

Tell DD1 you can't afford for her to stay with you any longer. She needs to leave within 4 weeks. You love her, but this cannot continue. It's up to her where she goes, how she pays for it, who she turns to for support but you refuse to accept this situation.

What's going on with DD2 is none of DD1s business & vice versa. What you chose to spend your money is your business. Who you allow to live in your house is solely your decision, as is how much they pay for the privilege.

Be firm. Practice a few phrases so you can respond without hesitation & consistently. Do not allow her screaming to derail you. Do not wobble on decision or timelines.

Mean it.

Dd1 is manipulating you and you need to create some firm boundaries.
Maybe write down for her what you expect from her whilst she is living with you - reimbursement of her (FULL) costs, on time and without excuses, payment of arrears to you, regular chores eg cooking for everyone twice a week etc, treats everyone in the house with respect, no shouting, no whingeing about dd1, helping with dd3.

Tell her you love her and want to support her but she needs to respect you and the rest of the family and this is non negotiable. Tell her she will need to leave if she is not prepared to do this and then STICK TO YOUR GUNS!

You do need to know what these debts are as she has moved them to your address. It's worrying she hasn't revealed who she's indebted to.
Could she be addicted to drugs?

I get that you don't want to throw her out because of the impact it would have on your grandson. But the current situation is having a very harmful effect on your DD2 and DD3.

You're between a rock and a hard place, but I think in the end you have to protect your other DDs.

Op should try to fix the family dynamic first.

Don't you think if it was as easy as that, OP wouldn't have already tried that? How do you suggest OP "changes the family dynamic" when her daughter is not interested, and verbally abuses OP when she tries to sort things out?

OP the only answer to this is to give her her marching orders. Things are not going to get better while she's living with you, and allowing her to stay is unfair on your other DDs, and possibly damaging for DD3.

Don't you think if it was as easy as that, OP wouldn't have already tried that? How do you suggest OP "changes the family dynamic" when her daughter is not interested, and verbally abuses OP when she tries to sort things out?

Op needs to get to the bottom of why dd1 is so volatile, whats the debt about, make dd1 start considering everyone else in the house. Only op has the answer as she knows the character of dd1.
She may eventually be forced to chuck her and grandson out. But right now i don't think dd1 would cope. Which is why i asked if she could be on drugs.

Op needs to get to the bottom of why dd1 is so volatile

With respect, no she doesn't. A 28 yo mother of a small child is a grown woman and is responsible for her own behaviour.

DD1 is currently a guest in OPs house. She has no tenancy rights, is not paying her way, and is creating a horrible atmosphere in the OPs home, and distressing OP, DD2, and DD3.

OP is NOT responsible for housing either DD1 nor DGS. Neither legally, nor morally.

OP - do your daughter a favour and kick her out. She's never going to change unless you force the issue.

Op needs to get to the bottom of why dd1 is so volatile

How? The daughter won't engage with OP, other than screaming at her. She's a grown woman, it's not like OP can ground her or send her to the naughty step.

Have you had any luck talking yo her OP?

Kick dd1 out.

Talking to her yesterday didn't go well...
I'll see what happens next week when she gets paid, but all I had out of her was "fine take all my money" (something I'm not trying to do - I'm very aware that she has at least £500 a week coming in as I had to submit the evidence to the council).
I told her that she isn't covering what she actually costs me and rather than trying to talk to me about it she just went "fine then, I'll starve my son and never take a bath so we don't cost you anything". I tried to say, just pay the £100 and I'll take care of the rest if you can't. But she just screamed at me that I clearly hate her and that she isn't welcome here, may as well just leave etc. so I said, fine then, if that's the way you feel then good luck. And while she's still here she hasn't really spoken to me since, apart from quiet comments like "oh here comes dd2, the favourite" whenever dd2 comes into the room.

Someone did ask what I meant by dd1 saying if it was less than 1200 she'd be better off, that's what she was paying previously, between rent and council tax, utilities broadband etc it was costing her £1200 per month, that's just rent and bills (so not food or extras) . So she said as long as it was less than that (and it is, it would be about 190pw if she paid everything she costs me, so just the extra food and gas and electric and council) then she would be ok. But now she's here it's a different story and it's hard to even get 100pw out of her.