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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another holiday/in laws one - at my wits end!

155 replies

mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 11:46

Have name changed for this so I don’t get outed.

DH and I have booked a luxury all inclusive in Crete just to the two of us. Swim up pool room, lovely suite etc - we have had a tough year or so and really wanted to treat ourselves.

We went to a bbq at the in laws over the bank holiday and DH was telling them about the place, showing them pics etc. MIL and FIL were really impressed and started saying how they would love to go somewhere like that and might look at booking too. So DH suggests they come at the same time! I tried to say it was supposed to be a break just for us and DH basically said oh it will be we can just meet up for dinner etc occasionally.

Since then SIL and BIL have decided that if MIL and FIL are coming then so will they! MIL was disappointed that they couldn’t get a swim up room like ours ns DH was deliberating giving ours to them!!
I said absolutely not, it’s bad enough that our break for two has become a family holiday - and I know it won’t just be dinner meet ups, they are already making all the plans to do things together every day and sign up to activities and stuff.

I told DH more than once that I’m not happy about it and don’t want to go any more as it’s going to be a completely different holiday to the one I was looking forward to and he thinks IABVU and shouldn’t dictate where other people can or can’t go on holiday.

what would you do??? AIBU??

OP posts:
Inertia · 31/05/2018 17:49

Your DH is totally unreasonable.

raidthefridge · 31/05/2018 18:01

D'you know what, sometimes life's too short. I had the same problem as you about 15 yrs ago. Different set up. Was my sister and aunty who were gonna crash on a sunny holiday between me and my then DP.

I refused. And really hurt my sister who was quite fragile at the time.

Thinking back, they would have made it a much better bloody time than what I had. I really regret saying no and hurting her now.

Sometimes, having people who love you and want to spend time with you is a good thing. Maturity and experience has reminded me of that.

Completely get where you're coming from. Just saying to try and think of things from a 20 yr perspective. Xx

theredjellybean · 31/05/2018 18:16

Do you think that your perception of the holiday was different to your dh?
You see it as a special holiday, reconnecting after a tough year, romance, being a couple etc... You have invested in this picture.. As we all would... But if you did not spell it out to dh, maybe he just thought its a holiday, OK an expensive nice holiday but still just a holiday. Hence he sees the additional people to the party as. Good thing. No drama, lovely....
He probably has no idea why your upset...
It would be interesting to know what he said to his parents when showing pictures?
Did he say 'look isn't this nice we are going for a proper couples break, just us, it is do what we Need'....?
I doubt it.. And so your in laws probably have no idea your upset either.
You need to communicate.. I'd bypass dh and talk to I laws. Explain you booked it as you and dh need time together, alone, etc.
And could they please respect this and cancel or change their dates, maybe lap over each other by a week if your going for two. That would be a compromise.

SusanneLinder · 31/05/2018 18:58

Totally agree with poster above, butI would probably be raging with DH still.
Although after a few days , you might want some other company.
Insist on some couple time!

Billybigballs123 · 31/05/2018 19:55

What have you decided op?

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 31/05/2018 20:16

Refuse to go. Lose the money or tell him to go by himself. It seems like cutting your nose off but it wouldn't be. This will be the smack on the nose he needs to understand never to do it again. You just need to be hard faced about it.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 21:16

Thanks for all your messages.

I’ve spoken to DH. Not to drip feed as I wasn’t going to share this as I didn’t actually think it’s relevant but turns out it is (in his reasoning) - the reason we were going away is we had a second trimester loss and I felt like we needed to be away for the pertinent date.
DH has been worried about me as I’ve become quite insular and non motivated to do anything and I think he had the spur of the moment idea that if more people were around on the holiday, it would keep me busier so I wouldn’t dwell on the date etc.

Obviously this doesn’t excuse it at all because he should have spoken to me first before he suggested anything to anyone. I also think it was very ill judged as if I wanted a family holiday to recover from things I would have booked that.

The long and short of it is that i have managed to change the dates while still being away for the date I wanted to be away for and we now have only a two day cross over. DH spoke to MIL today after we had had our chat and explained that he got caught up in the idea and hadn’t thought it through and hadn’t spoken to me.
I’m still annoyed that the in laws didn’t pick up on my annoyance and obvious non agreement, but at least it’s been sorted without causing any family rifts etc.

Thanks to everyone who said that I should speak to the travel agents - when I spoke to them she was absolutely lovely, sorted the change in dates with a tiny tiny fee and also bumped us an upgrade to one of the bigger swim up rooms as it was available for the new dates.

Feeling a lot happier now and have had a good talk with DH to make sure we are on the same page about things like this in future - he didn’t see that it wasn’t just about the holiday it was the lack of consideration for my opinion that was making me so upset and putting his family first over our break.
We’ve also booked a long weekend at a spa hotel - just the two of us.
Thanks for all the support and letting me vent!

OP posts:
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 31/05/2018 21:20

What a fantastic update op!!
Sorry for your loss, sounds like your dh had good intentions - not just a clot head .
Actually going to be a better holiday for you -
Flowersand Wine

Justmuddlingalong · 31/05/2018 21:23

Great outcome OP. Flowers Sorry for you troubles. Glad it's all been sorted without any additional drama.

DailyMailClickbait · 31/05/2018 21:28

Very sorry for your loss OP Flowers

Glad you got things sorted out; hope you have a wonderful holiday.

CaptainBrickbeard · 31/05/2018 21:43

Really glad you have resolved things. Your update makes me even more horrified he considered giving your room away though! I hope you have a great holiday Flowers.

fuzzywuzzy · 31/05/2018 22:04

Oh mmmgoats, so sorry for your loss.

Really glad your DH wasn’t being inconsiderate and actually thinking of you albeit a little heavy handedly.

I hope you have a relaxing time away.

DPotter · 31/05/2018 22:06

So pleased everything has been sorted out.
Sorry for your loss Flowers

PrincessFiorimonde · 31/05/2018 22:17

Flowers for you, OP, and I hope you and DH have a wonderful, relaxing holiday.

Motoko · 31/05/2018 22:25

Thanks for the update, and a good conclusion all round. Sorry for your loss, it's a good idea to be away somewhere on that date, I hope it brings you some peace. Flowers

Thehop · 31/05/2018 22:36

Great update! Have a lovely, hearing trip x

Pollaidh · 31/05/2018 22:47

Similar thing happened to me, more than once. Most holidays are spent with foreign in-laws, who are lovely, but it's quite intense. At least it's expected though, and important for DH.

However, a few times now we've turned up for a family holiday and discovered some of the other family members have decided to join us - in the same house. I struggle with noise and pain and I want to spend time, quietly, with DC and DH, because term-time is chaotic. I nearly took a flight back home on my own last time.

Pollaidh · 31/05/2018 22:49

Oh good, glad it's been sorted so nicely and it was well meant. Sorry to hear of your loss.

Inertia · 01/06/2018 00:25

Sorry for your loss, and glad to hear that the holiday is sorted. Hope you now manage to find some comfort and peace in your time together- totally understandable that you wouldn’t want to fit into someone else’s demanding itinerary, under the circumstances.

CoolCarrie · 01/06/2018 00:28

Great update! Have a relaxing time both of you

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/06/2018 01:13

So glad that it has all been sorted. Enjoy the holiday AND the upgrade!

maras2 · 01/06/2018 05:59

Sorry for your loss goats Flowers
Lovely update.
Have a wonderful holiday.

CookPassBabtridge · 01/06/2018 13:24

Great update, two day crossover is perfect.

StormTreader · 01/06/2018 13:59

"DH spoke to MIL today after we had had our chat and explained that he got caught up in the idea and hadn’t thought it through and hadn’t spoken to me."

Can I just point out that this is lovely to read - he took full responsibility and spoke to her even though it probably wasnt an easy thing to do. Just thought it was worth pointing out that THIS is how these things should go and handshakes all round.

Maelstrop · 01/06/2018 14:28

Well done, OP, I think you’ve managed this admirably!

Flowers So sorry for your loss. :(