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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another holiday/in laws one - at my wits end!

155 replies

mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 11:46

Have name changed for this so I don’t get outed.

DH and I have booked a luxury all inclusive in Crete just to the two of us. Swim up pool room, lovely suite etc - we have had a tough year or so and really wanted to treat ourselves.

We went to a bbq at the in laws over the bank holiday and DH was telling them about the place, showing them pics etc. MIL and FIL were really impressed and started saying how they would love to go somewhere like that and might look at booking too. So DH suggests they come at the same time! I tried to say it was supposed to be a break just for us and DH basically said oh it will be we can just meet up for dinner etc occasionally.

Since then SIL and BIL have decided that if MIL and FIL are coming then so will they! MIL was disappointed that they couldn’t get a swim up room like ours ns DH was deliberating giving ours to them!!
I said absolutely not, it’s bad enough that our break for two has become a family holiday - and I know it won’t just be dinner meet ups, they are already making all the plans to do things together every day and sign up to activities and stuff.

I told DH more than once that I’m not happy about it and don’t want to go any more as it’s going to be a completely different holiday to the one I was looking forward to and he thinks IABVU and shouldn’t dictate where other people can or can’t go on holiday.

what would you do??? AIBU??

OP posts:
BMW6 · 31/05/2018 13:40

I would ensure that there is NO WAY ON EARTH you surrender your room with pool to anyone, and please yourself while there no matter what MIL's itinerary dictates.

jamoncrumpets · 31/05/2018 13:44

Go, but agree firm boundaries in advance with regard to the in-laws. So x, y, z days are couple days and you won't do any planned stuff with them on those days.

thecatsthecats · 31/05/2018 13:50

Thing is, with AI, are you even going to be able to avoid them that much?

Our hotel in Crete was fab (with swim up pool - you aren't staying in Rethymno are you?) - it had four large outdoor pools and two outdoor bars, but the restaurant would just have been impossible to miss anyone there.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 13:56

Thanks for all your replies, good to know I am not being unreasonable in my rage!

MIL and FIL have definitely booked - SIL i’m not sure about but intending to. To be honest i’d rather SIL come if the parents are coming at least that way they can all hang out together.

I’m going to speak to DH when he gets in from work in an hour. I don’t know why he’s just not getting it.

I’m going to suggest changing the dates like a few posters have suggested so we can at least have half the holiday to ourselves

OP posts:
averythinline · 31/05/2018 13:59

I would phone the agent/hotel whoever you booked with and check out changing the dates before so the conversation is something like .....if we go x days before it will cost £ and if we stay x days after it will cost £

mavismcruet · 31/05/2018 14:00

I’d be having a full on holiday flounce if that was me!!
Tell him the only room swapping that will be going on is him bunking in with his Mum and Dad on a child’s camp bed on the crap far side of the complex!

Charm23 · 31/05/2018 14:00

How about this for a plan:

  1. Remove all sexual contact for a week at least
  2. Arrange a special date night
  3. Send suggestive texts / hint at a night of passion
  4. Then invite your parents to the meal and to sleep over afterwards! :D
Murane · 31/05/2018 14:01

The problem is if we cancel we lose a lot of money.
But it will deter your DH from EVER doing this sort of thing again. To me that would be worth the lost money.

Can you not sell your holiday to SIL and go somewhere else? Or sell it to MIL as she wanted your room anyway, and let her sell hers to SIL? Or as others have said, try to change your dates. If you have no choice but to go, refuse ANY meet ups as a matter of principle.

Jaxhog · 31/05/2018 14:01

Cancel your booking and let them all go together. Then book yourself somewhere nice like a health farm.

DH suggests they come at the same time I would absolutely hate this, much as I love my family. You just don't do this without being invited by BOTH parties.

DarlingNikita · 31/05/2018 14:04

I’m going to suggest changing the dates like a few posters have suggested so we can at least have half the holiday to ourselves

I think this is your best bet, except I'd try to change them so you have the WHOLE holiday to yourselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2018 14:06

I would change the dates; this is not at all what you agreed to.

I would also like to know his reasoning behind this to start with; why does he feel so obligated to his parents as an adult?. Is he still seeking their approval?.

Laiste · 31/05/2018 14:08

Selling your hol to your SIL is ingenious!

I'd be doing that OP.

Then you and DP can book elsewhere. I know i'd spend the whole holiday getting angrier and angrier if i went.

LivingMyBestLife · 31/05/2018 14:09

Sell your room to the SIL then and book somewhere else. Really, there's no way you'll avoid them and you'll hate the holiday. Better to take a small financial hit now and get a better holiday for it.

Mabel if you still spend every Christmas with your family that's really unfair on your DH, how is that 'working on it'? Still sounds like your way or the highway to me.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 14:10

He definitely seeks their approval @Attilathemeerkat
In laws are lovely but SIL is and always has been the golden child so DH does go out of his way to do everything he can for
them. Which i don’t have a problem with - I think being a good son is important and would never want him to stop that but this just takes the biscuit!

Good shout about calling the agents - I will do that now. Booked everything through the same place so hopefully should be straightforward. Keep everything crossed for me!

OP posts:
CookPassBabtridge · 31/05/2018 14:10

Yes I think the best that can happen would be to change dates.. and have the crossover at the start of your holiday, so you can look forward to being alone for the last half. We had a shared holiday where people came in the second week of the holiday and it meant I couldn't relax in the first half.

teaandtoast · 31/05/2018 14:11

I would worry that they'd all be in your room because of the pool.
So I would try and shift the dates and if not possible, I would cancel. It would no longer be a treat for me.

DPotter · 31/05/2018 14:12

Crete is a very big island; maybe worth a trawl thru to see if anything similar at the opposite end and then see if you can swap?

I don't get the feeling OP is the type of lady to brazen out the 'I'm not getting involved in the itinerary' and it's just as likely her DH will want to meet up with his family, so her holiday isn't going to be romantic in that couples only sense. The pp who mentioned about their room becoming group central is probably nearer the truth.

mmm

You need to toughen up your opposition and fast. You may have to 'over react' as far as your usual temperament goes to make him really understand your distress and disappointment.

Laiste · 31/05/2018 14:12

Yes, shift the dates so you have a crossover at the beginning. For about 2 hours if poss. Grin

Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 14:17

I think I can brazen it out - ie not partake but I’m just grumpy about the whole thing. I know it sounds silly but even if I do what I want to do and ignore their activities I’m just going to be aware they are around.

I’m tempted to find out about changing resorts. And then phoning MIL and just being honest with her. Without speaking to DH. Because let’s face it, he didn’t discuss it with me!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2018 14:17

"He definitely seeks their approval @Attilathemeerkat
In laws are lovely but SIL is and always has been the golden child so DH does go out of his way to do everything he can for
them. Which i don’t have a problem with - I think being a good son is important and would never want him to stop that but this just takes the biscuit!"

This is not about being a "good son" however. This is also about seeking approval from those who do not give it unconditionally. Boundaries and your DHs lack of them overall when it comes to his family of origin is an issue too. This is a huge problem in its own right; both he and they have overstepped the mark here.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles. You have mentioned that SIL is the golden child so your DH is therefore the scapegoat which also means that all his family unit are also scapegoated. His parents are not nice people at all, they really are not.

Billybigballs123 · 31/05/2018 14:19

I’d tell him how angry you are and that you won’t be doing a ‘family’ holiday again for several years. Oh, and the two of you to be booking a separate holiday for you two, better than this one for next year and not telling them.

Laiste · 31/05/2018 14:20

I've had a mini experience of this. It was a uk break of a specific type which MIL (FIL did as was told) unilaterally decided to join us half way through. It was ok - but we had to change plans so they could fit in and - well it was a holiday with ILs and DH not the 2 of us break we planned. We'd like to do it again - but if the subject ever comes up within her earshot she's so excited and says 'and be sure to tell us in advance so we can come again'!

And i go 'oh ... yay'. And change the subject Grin

I fear we'll never be able to do this thing just the 2 of us as it will be a very obvious snub to arrange it and go without telling them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2018 14:21

Brazening this out is only going to further serve to make you feel miserable particularly if his family of origin use your room as a central meeting point or focus to hang out in.

You're his wife; his primary loyalty should be to you now and not his parents who he still seeks approval from. That is also I think why DH offered them the opportunity to go there at the same time.

Billybigballs123 · 31/05/2018 14:23

I also say his family are horrible, parents having favourites. Your dh desperate to be on the same pegging as his sister. Awful.

Just because he has been conditioned to accept it doesn’t make it right.

His parents aren’t stupid. They’ve hijacked a romantic break for two and they know it, hence sil becoming invited too to spread the blame out a bit.

I don’t see this as a dh problem as such, his parents are to blame but somehow I don’t see him acknowledging that or standing up to them.

Good luck when you have kids op, you’ll need it.

user1andonly · 31/05/2018 14:25

The only upside is they couldn’t get the same kind of room as us so are on the other side of the complex

But they'll probably come and hang around on your terrace because it's nicer and more private than theirs.

Ugh, I would be gutted Sad

I'll be a mil one day and wouldn't dream of gatecrashing a holiday like this.

I would look at changing dates/resort if you possibly can - I wouldn't be able to put a brave face on it for a whole fortnight if every time I waled onto my terrace my in-laws were sat there smiling on my sun loungers!

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