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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another holiday/in laws one - at my wits end!

155 replies

mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 11:46

Have name changed for this so I don’t get outed.

DH and I have booked a luxury all inclusive in Crete just to the two of us. Swim up pool room, lovely suite etc - we have had a tough year or so and really wanted to treat ourselves.

We went to a bbq at the in laws over the bank holiday and DH was telling them about the place, showing them pics etc. MIL and FIL were really impressed and started saying how they would love to go somewhere like that and might look at booking too. So DH suggests they come at the same time! I tried to say it was supposed to be a break just for us and DH basically said oh it will be we can just meet up for dinner etc occasionally.

Since then SIL and BIL have decided that if MIL and FIL are coming then so will they! MIL was disappointed that they couldn’t get a swim up room like ours ns DH was deliberating giving ours to them!!
I said absolutely not, it’s bad enough that our break for two has become a family holiday - and I know it won’t just be dinner meet ups, they are already making all the plans to do things together every day and sign up to activities and stuff.

I told DH more than once that I’m not happy about it and don’t want to go any more as it’s going to be a completely different holiday to the one I was looking forward to and he thinks IABVU and shouldn’t dictate where other people can or can’t go on holiday.

what would you do??? AIBU??

OP posts:
user1andonly · 31/05/2018 14:25

waled = walked!

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/05/2018 14:26

I can’t get over wanting to give them your room. Why does he have such a desperate need to please them? He’s totally changed your romantic get away without even consulting you, that’s so unfair and actually cruel I think.

Hard though it is though if you can take a deep breath and try for PMA that’s probably your best option. It’s a done deal now and you’ll only cause yourself stress and unhappiness by changing it.

regularbutpanickingabit · 31/05/2018 14:27

This would drive me nuts! Ok. If you have a good relationship with them generally then I would talk to your mil/sil and say that you will love spending some time all together but that this was a special romantic brand and so you guys need a couple of days completely on your own marked out. If necessary, tell them exactly which days! If your mil likes itineraries then that’s the only way I can think of handling it. You shouldn’t have to but it sounds like it might be the best compromise.

Jammycustard · 31/05/2018 14:27

There seems to be a glut of idiot men around this week inviting their mothers on family/couple holidays willy nilly. I don’t understand why/how these men don’t think before they do this. Hmm

MyKingdomForBrie · 31/05/2018 14:28

Make some solid ground rules though and make sure he knows he will absolutely stick to them - every other day to yourselves and no invites for them to your private pool- can just imagine them swimming up to your room in the mornings!

summerinrome · 31/05/2018 14:28

I would be evaluating my whole relationship if this were me.

  • He does not listen to you
  • He does not care about your thoughts and feelings
  • He puts his family first over and above you

Because of these reasons I would assume he does not want to spend intimate time just the two of us, having just invited the whole world and his dog and I wouldn't go.

Cancel the holiday and tell them you have had a change of heart and wish them a lovely holiday. How you can see a future with someone so selfish and ignorant is truly beyond me.

Motherof · 31/05/2018 14:29

Oh for goodness sake,ok it’s an inconvenience but can’t you just go make the most of it,and then tell him to book another holiday for just both of you ,and for this one no IL to come,life’s too short to stress about these things,mil and fil won’t be here forever,make memories.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2018 14:29

He sounds like he has submissive boundaries re his parents as he is the scapegoat. Doormat syndrome is fawning behaviour triggered by an attempt to overcompensate for low self esteem and or fear. Overtly compliant with dominating people and is passive at the very least. Has double standard towards self; takes care of others but neglects himself. Opens up too quickly.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2018 14:33

This is far more than a mere inconvenience thought Motherof; this is an arranged holiday for the two of them now being highjacked by his family of origin. You would undoubtedly be horrified if your DH did such a thing without you being consulted at any point. Holidays can also cost a fair bit and this may be their last break together as a couple for some time.

OPs H has acted as he did for his own reasons; he offered them their room and did not at any point consult his wife before saying what he did.

Maelstrop · 31/05/2018 14:37

Will they be demanding to ise your swim up pool etc? This would drive me crackers, although the DH wouldn’t dream of doing this. I can stand a long weekend with my whirlwind enthusiastic family, but I keep refusing their fortnight in Greece all together, I can’t imagine anything worse!

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2018 14:42

My goodness yes, strict rules on using your terrace and swim up pool, and you would need to agree on what is ok- once? Invitation only. I think I might sit around naked ir topless in our rooms so they get a shock and realise they aren’t welcome!

Maldives2006 · 31/05/2018 14:53

Ok, my best friend died at the age of 21 and have numerous other people I care about die prematurely including my own son.

If you know your daughter in law and husband have booked a holiday because of a tough year (we don’t know the details of the tough year). I would absolutely not invade their plans it’s part of being a respectful well mannered adult.

Bramble71 · 31/05/2018 14:57

I don't think you're BU at all, OP. I'd be livid at hubby but I'd also be calling in to question the judgement of all the in laws. Who the heck invites themselves or imposes themselves on someone else's holiday. They all sound as bad as each other.

Would you be prepared not to go, stay home and have some peace from them all?

Justmuddlingalong · 31/05/2018 15:05

Something kind of similar happened to me. I suggested that I not go and he take his DBrother in my place. He quickly realised I was dead serious. We changed the hotel to another one, with the same flights. It cost £50 each. If it's a package holiday you can change the whole holiday. Flights, dates and hotel.

Roussette · 31/05/2018 15:23

I like my family, they're fine, but I cannot think of anything worse than going on holiday with them. All that enforced jollity and doing things as a group... awful.

I would be dead livid too OP

HomeisbytheBay · 31/05/2018 15:27

Honestly, I would just change your hotel without telling DH. Fuck him. If he doesn't have to consult you, why should you consult him?

Laiste · 31/05/2018 15:28

who the heck invites themselves or imposes themselves on someone else's holiday.

My MIL ... Hmm

(i know it was a rhetorical question, i just couldn't resist)

YoThePussy · 31/05/2018 15:31

I would ‘treat’ them all to a trip to the Samaria Gorge and the lovely long walk down it that takes all day and is really rough going. Tell them it is fine to do it in sandals. They will probably lose several toenails and not be able to walk for days afterwards. Voila peace and quiet for you both.

Seriously change the dates!

Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 16:01

I am a mil and I would not dream of pushing myself like this.

It’s so unfair and let’s face it she will know you arnt on board.. if one of my sons asked us to holiday with them I would know 100% if my dils were or were not happy for that.

It’s not acceptable

blueheaven97 · 31/05/2018 16:23

Really feel for you on this OP - I'd be absolutely livid if this happened to me. It puts you in a really difficult situation not just because it's not the holiday you wanted, but because if you now insist on not spending time with them during the holiday it's going to make it look to everyone else like you're the bad guy. To them you're just going to seem stroppy/grumpy, even though you're totally in the right - and that basically ruins it for you as much as them.

In this situation unfortunately I don't think there's a lot you can reasonably do other than make bloody sure it never happens again, and that your next holiday - wherever or whenever that is - is what you want, because you're definitely owed it.

DPotter · 31/05/2018 16:40

Alternatively you could ask for things you want to be entered on the itinerary ....
Mon 9-12 mmm + DH Sex (could add a favourite position / toy)
Mon 12-1 mmm + DH showering after sex
Mon 1-1.15 All family lunch
1.15 -6 mm + DH post coital siesta
6 - 7 mmm + DH showering
7 -9 All family Dinner
9pm-9am mmm + DH sex / sleep and repeat....

rinse and repeat for each day of holiday............

OrangeAztec · 31/05/2018 16:48

In all honesty I would cancel the holiday and re book when it's just you two. Too often men behave like this, ruin a joint holiday etc, and the women have to suck it up. It's not on. He will make out you're being dramatic and unreasonable but he has caused this.

happypoobum · 31/05/2018 17:00

YANBU - tell him to change the dates and he foots the bill. he can then tell ILS that he made a mistake re the dates (much nearer the time)

CoraPirbright · 31/05/2018 17:11

Really hope your travel agent can move the dates (or at least half). Don't tell the in-laws until the last minute & blame the agent for an admin cock-up. Your Dh has been an utter arse.

Ohmydayslove · 31/05/2018 17:43

Op do you think the inlaws know you are not on board with this do you think?