Another holiday/in laws one - at my wits end!

[mmmgoats]

Have name changed for this so I don’t get outed.

DH and I have booked a luxury all inclusive in Crete just to the two of us. Swim up pool room, lovely suite etc - we have had a tough year or so and really wanted to treat ourselves.

We went to a bbq at the in laws over the bank holiday and DH was telling them about the place, showing them pics etc. MIL and FIL were really impressed and started saying how they would love to go somewhere like that and might look at booking too. So DH suggests they come at the same time! I tried to say it was supposed to be a break just for us and DH basically said oh it will be we can just meet up for dinner etc occasionally.

Since then SIL and BIL have decided that if MIL and FIL are coming then so will they! MIL was disappointed that they couldn’t get a swim up room like ours ns DH was deliberating giving ours to them!!
I said absolutely not, it’s bad enough that our break for two has become a family holiday - and I know it won’t just be dinner meet ups, they are already making all the plans to do things together every day and sign up to activities and stuff.

I told DH more than once that I’m not happy about it and don’t want to go any more as it’s going to be a completely different holiday to the one I was looking forward to and he thinks IABVU and shouldn’t dictate where other people can or can’t go on holiday.

what would you do??? AIBU??

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd be livid.

Hold up.

There's an itinerary?

I would now be making it clear that as he’s turned it into a family holiday he could forget any chance of any romantic part either!

But you do need to express how hurt you are that you were not consulted before he completely changed your plans

Put him in charge of ensuring you get time alone. Get him to specify how much, days, times of day, meals now. He's got to own that plan and enforce it.

Make it damn clear that's his path to redemption.

His path to hell on earth is if you end up being the bad guy on holiday always pushing back on MIL's plans or if the alone time doesn't materialise.

FIL does itineraries for his holidays. I saw one once, it was in Excel and something like you'd see in the army : 0600 hours, breakfast. 06.15 hours, leave hotel and walk for 3 hours on the river or whatever.

Not for me.

That's a really tricky situation for you, OP. Do you know if they have definitely booked to go? If not, could you appeal to your MIL and say you wanted to go away as a couple, would she be sympathetic?

Even if you manage to do things together during most days/evenings they will want to meet up at some point, I expect. It sounds as if you have been away with them before so I'm assuming it's not a case of you always going away with your own family and not the in-laws.

Honestly, I would see about backing out because it really doesn't sound like you'll enjoy the holiday - sorry. I would be raging in your position too, tbh. You may be able to sell your room to the in-laws, if not the financial penalty may be a useful reminder to your DH not to do it again.

FIL does itineraries for his holidays. I saw one once, it was in Excel and something like you'd see in the army : 0600 hours, breakfast. 06.15 hours, leave hotel and walk for 3 hours on the river or whatever

I never knew this was for real until I saw my MILs husbands one he had made up for a trip once he was going on, very similar to this...and he had printed it off and laminated it to!

Did you book through an agency? If so, ring and explain the situation. They may have some leeway to move the holiday by a few days or a week for you. If you do this, don't tell your DH until a week before.

Email him and get it in writing that he has agreed that you won't be doing everything with his family, it is YOUR holiday, and you will be spending time alone.

Practice some lines now, for MIL.

eg: OK, we'd like some time alone now, this way supposed to be our romantic holiday. etc.

Tell your DH NOT to tell them your exact room number, so they can't just crash you all the time. If they ask, just say, not sure - we'll come and find you when ready - we booked this holiday to spend lots of time naked.

I would look into the cost or possibility of shunting the holiday along by a few days or a week. Or extending it by a few days or a week, so you can have some time alone.

I work in travel and would do my absolute best for this to happen if someone explained to me that PIL were crashing their "second honeymoon".

Start referring to it as your second honeymoon, so IL's realise, they really should not be expecting to tag along to everything.

Definite DH problem there.

Make sure that you & DH have a long lie in on the first two days and make clear that people cannot use your room/swim up pool as the group base get together because you need some privacy/sleep/afternoon siestas! Arrange to meet somewhere other than your room/pool!

Suck this holiday up to experience and hammer home to DH - never again!

Be blunt with MIL that you won't be following her group itinerary - might as well be start as you mean to go on Day 1 of the holiday.
Feel for you! DH & I are emotionally blackmailed into group family holidays on his side. It is hard to hurt the feelings of the people you love.

you need to learn to be more assertive.
i'd have replied "this is NOT a family holiday and i'm NOT interested in meeting up/spending time with ANYONE else.....i'd appreciate it if you didn't book to go the same time as us, if you do then don't expect me to share my holiday time/activities with you"

sometimes you have to be very blunt with people like this, don't worry about rudeness or offending them as they clearly don't think twice before doing it to you.

as for your dh, 'no' is a whole sentence - use it more forcefully.

Oh god yes laguna, it was printed out and left on the counter for our reference.

You know, in case we decide to give a fuck.

My DH is hugely tolerant of my noisy, enthusiastic family. We have done a trip to the USA, including Disney with my DPs & it was a success but probably only because we had been beforehand & knew we would go again so they weren’t changing the dynamic during ‘the holiday of a lifetime’.
We always spend Christmas, birthdays & other bank holidays with them & it really helped me to understand DHs occasional frustration (almost always with me, not my DPs) when he explained that, when I’m with my family, I am a partner to him, last of all. I’m a daughter first, then a sibling, then a mother, then a wife. I put my parents’ comfort, wishes, tastes etc before everyone else’s &, although he’s very kind & welcoming to my family, occasionally the dutiful daughter behaviour can grate a bit. I’m careful now to at least acknowledge this behaviour of mine & thank him for his support with them. I still find myself trying not to disregard his needs sometimes.
Is your DH like me? Are all your wishes just bottom of the pile when they’re around? Is he a son, above everything else? He may not see this about himself. I didn’t & now I get that, I work on it.

I'd be furious.

Sounds like it's a done deal now if you can't cancel or rearrange without losing money.

However I would be telling your DH and your MIL straight that as this was supposed to be a romantic break for the pair of you, that you will not be joining in with itineraries or attempts to organise your time. Instead you will text and let them know when you want to meet up, go somewhere, have dinner etc.

If the ILs want to have a jolly family holiday with SIL then that's up to them. It doesn't mean that you have to spend every waking hour with them.

If your DH has a problem with any of that, then simply tell him that he doesn't have the right to tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing on holiday.

Maybe mention it now isn't a romantic holiday for 2 and so there won't be any romantic shananigans now his dm is aboard - I mean you couldn't possibly, knowing she could knock at any moment.

Can you shift it a few days so you have a few days on your own at the end of it? And make it crystal clear to dh that he has to respond to the days plans with that sounds lovely, we will be sunbaking and reading, or doing x. No Thanks, we would prefer it just us. Or that sounds lovely but mmm is sunbaking today. 100% supportive of your plans or he can sleep in one of the other rooms if he’s so close to his family.

Tell your dh that by all means he can sell your pil your room. He can then use the money to book a holiday on another island!

I’d be fuming in your position. Not by the IL, but with the dh

I would go but I would make it clear he NEVER does something like this again. You won't be going along with his mother's planned itinerary, and he will say HE doesn't want to.

Don't give up your room.

And make it clear to your DH that his family will NOT be hanging out and using your room during the days with you just because you have booked a swim up room and they can't get one. That's now why you booked it. Too bad for them, but not your problem.

Your DH was completely out of line not consulting you before issuing the invitation. Completely.

Ooooooh I’d be livid!

Your in laws sound very like mine- they’re lovely but DH’s immediate family is big, and when they get together it’s like a competition to see who can shout the loudest. They never go away with just the inlaws either, there’s always some extended family or friends invited on the trip.

It’s the exact opposite to my small family, so I find it socially really draining- it’s ok for DH because they’re obviously his family, but I just hate having to be “on” ALL THE TIME.

I’ve put my foot down and said no more big family trips- it’s not a bloody break for me!

Don’t go. Book something else amazing. Make this point once and you’ll never have to make it again. Your choice. As you said yourself, unless you’re prepared not to go, you’ll end up going along with it. Depends how strongly you really feel.

If you're not going to cancel or change the holiday
(dates are often the easiest to change if nothing else, is there a sister hotel or something you could swop too or does tha agent have anything else )- I would really really try and change it .....

I would be really concerned that they'll be turning up and basing themselves at your room as it has the swim up pool....your dh will obviously not say anything and you will be even more annoyed as they see you as not important enough to listen too...

so if you are not changing you will need to be very clear with them all before you go ......that you will join them when you want to......not 'seeing them sometimes' not doing 'trips or plans' nothing planned but you will find them....otherwise they will be joining you for breakfast with their swim kit and plans or knocking at your door once they've had theirs....

If you do this, don't tell your DH until a week before.

Bit tricky considering he'd need to book the time off work.

FFS, what is it with these men? This is the 2nd thread I've read today where the husband has unilaterally decided that it would be a good idea if the in-laws come too.

My husband would never dream of asking anyone else along on our holidays, let alone presenting it as a done deal. He has too much respect for me to do that.

OP, as you're going to have to go, I'd make it damn clear to him that you will be doing your own thing, not getting dragged along with the rest of the family. This was supposed to be a quiet, relaxing holiday for just the two of you.

Do not allow anyone else in your room, and make sure your husband knows he's not to allow anyone in. If they want to use a pool, I'm sure there's a general pool on the grounds that they can use.

But, whatever happens, you're going to have to stand firm on what YOU want. Don't allow yourself to be railroaded into doing things you don't want to do.

I would be absolutely fucking furious if my DH did this - in fact I would tell him to stick his holiday up his arse if he thinks that a nice relaxing break as a couple is the same as going away with his parents, DB and SIL. How on earth is that what you'd planned? He's an arse of the first order for inviting them along without even checking that you were okay with it. I'd get what money I could back and go away on my own, I think.

Given that is was supposed to be a romantic holiday for two. Make sure Op that your DH knows that is likely to be off the table what with PIL around every corner.

I don't think I would go
The total change of type of holiday would spoil it for me. Let him sell your room to the in-laws and him go alone. Have a break at home from everyone

FIL does itineraries for his holidays. I saw one once, it was in Excel

Actually that sounds like us
Though I would just write it down, DH would be the one reaching for Excel.

Nothing wrong with being organized.......

In our defence we don't impose this on other people and it suits us.