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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another holiday/in laws one - at my wits end!

155 replies

mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 11:46

Have name changed for this so I don’t get outed.

DH and I have booked a luxury all inclusive in Crete just to the two of us. Swim up pool room, lovely suite etc - we have had a tough year or so and really wanted to treat ourselves.

We went to a bbq at the in laws over the bank holiday and DH was telling them about the place, showing them pics etc. MIL and FIL were really impressed and started saying how they would love to go somewhere like that and might look at booking too. So DH suggests they come at the same time! I tried to say it was supposed to be a break just for us and DH basically said oh it will be we can just meet up for dinner etc occasionally.

Since then SIL and BIL have decided that if MIL and FIL are coming then so will they! MIL was disappointed that they couldn’t get a swim up room like ours ns DH was deliberating giving ours to them!!
I said absolutely not, it’s bad enough that our break for two has become a family holiday - and I know it won’t just be dinner meet ups, they are already making all the plans to do things together every day and sign up to activities and stuff.

I told DH more than once that I’m not happy about it and don’t want to go any more as it’s going to be a completely different holiday to the one I was looking forward to and he thinks IABVU and shouldn’t dictate where other people can or can’t go on holiday.

what would you do??? AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 12:14

From what he’s said I don’t think he sees it as a big deal because we have been on family holidays before and I’ve really enjoyed them.
He seems to think we will hVe loads of alone time still so can’t see the problem but I know what his family are like - MIL draws up holiday itineraries whenever we go away as a group!

I actually asked him outright if he doesn’t want to spend time with me @fuzzywuzzy but he said it isn’t that at all, that we usually do weekend breaks together and that he didn’t think i would mind because we have done family holidays before and the resort is so big we can do our own thing.

I’m just a bit gutted because I feel like my opinion hasn’t been taken into consideration by ANYONE.
Dh’s family are all a bit of a force to be reckoned with they’re all very social and a bit of a whirlwind of enthusiasm and all get caught up in things but I can’t help but still feel furious about the whole thing..

OP posts:
Alabasterangel6 · 31/05/2018 12:14

Could you afford to extend your trip so you have some of the time just you two?

I’d be annoyed and showing him this thread!

Sophiesdog11 · 31/05/2018 12:15

Sorry, but I would definitely not be going on that holiday at that time and I say that as someone who gets on well with PiL. But then my DH wouldnt have been telling them exactly where we were going and when, and even if he did, my PIL would never book a holiday with us unless specifically discussed as being a joint holiday.

I would just tell him that he sorts out changing the date or the destination else he will be going alone.

Do you always let yourself be walked over by your DH and his parents Op? This is the second thread I've read today where the DH has invited parents on a family holiday without the Ops consent. It would never happen in our family, as DH would know that I would never agree. We do do joint hols, mainly short breaks for a special celebration or join them in caravan in summer, but he would never invite them on our main family holiday.

ShatnersWig · 31/05/2018 12:17

he didn’t think i would mind

Tell him that in future he is not to think on your behalf but ask your opinion. Make it abundantly clear you are very, very unhappy with this and it is never to happen again and tell him that you will be having more than "loads of time alone" but all the time alone with the exception of dinner with the family on the first night. And that that is non-negotiable.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 31/05/2018 12:18

What is it with all the CF 'D'Hs who think that an intimate or nuclear family holiday would be improved by inviting some or all of their family along too? And without having the courtesy to discuss it with their other halves beforehand?

OP it's drastic but on this occasion I think I'd be saying that in that case, I wasn't going. I know you were looking forward to your holiday and the lovely room you booked, but there's no way that this is going to be the holiday you wanted.

If 'D'H says they'll be upset, tell him you're upset, which is why you're not going.

If he says it'll be a nice holiday for them, tell him it won't be for you, which is why you're not going.

Ad go away on your own or with a friend to somewhere else lovely while they're being a jolly family in Crete.

Fintress · 31/05/2018 12:18

I would be bloody furious if my husband suggested anyone come on holiday with us full stop. Sorry OP, that sounds like my idea of hell, I feel for you. I would be tempted to see if we could change the holiday elsewhere if it wasn't a huge cost. He needs a right good talking to.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 12:18

It’s actualy the first time something like this has happened - I’ve always got on well with them and not had any issues before.

DH and I are usually very much a partnership and discuss everything together so this is also why I’m furious because it’s not how things usually go. Maybe I didn’t make it as clear as I should hve when it first came up in the conversation with his MIL and FIL - i feel like I did though!

The problem is if we cancel we lose a lot of money. So wouldn’t be able to book another holiday of a similar standard if at all, and I really feel like I need a break, I’ve been looking forward to it.

I know there’s no real answer here if I’m not willing to cancel, and I know I’m going to have to have another conversation with my DH about this. But I just needed to vent and be reassured I’m not being difficult or unreasonable!

OP posts:
reallybadidea · 31/05/2018 12:18

I'd just refuse to go. How utterly thoughtless. It's your holiday too - why does he get to decide who's going?!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/05/2018 12:19

According to all this I must be weird. More than once I was the one who suggested inviting ILs on holiday - and paying for it, since they couldn't afford it - and I've never had the slightest regret, especially since my MiL died a very few years later. I'm still so glad we gave them holidays they thoroughly enjoyed with us and their Gdcs.
Still, my ILs were never a PITA so I do know I was lucky there.

Also took my mother away with us more than once after my father died - I remember saying to Dh 'If we don't do it now...'. and not long after the last she developed dementia, and it would have been too difficult and confusing to take her anywhere.

YouTheCat · 31/05/2018 12:20

He didn't think you would mind - but you very clearly do mind so what is he going to do about it?

I'd just not go tbh.

He needs it spelling out that this was a holiday just for you two. If he'd wanted a holiday with his family he should have said so when it was being discussed before you booked.

DarlingNikita · 31/05/2018 12:21

I would just tell him that he sorts out changing the date or the destination else he will be going alone.

Good idea. Is this possible without is costing too much, OP?

Tell him that in future he is not to think on your behalf but ask your opinion
Yes, this.

reallybadidea · 31/05/2018 12:22

Those saying that they wouldn't mind are completely missing the point: the OP DOES mind and it's her holiday. She agreed to go based on it being her and her DH and he's completely changed the terms of the agreement.

Original poster
mmmgoats · 31/05/2018 12:22

I don’t think you’re weird at all @gettinglikemymother I too have been happy to go on big family holidays before. But my issue here is that it’s not what this holiday was supposed to be!
I was basically blindsided in a conversation with the in laws, and then it all kind of snowballed from there.

I love my in laws, I’ve had some great holidays with them, I would go on holiday with them again (well apparently I am!!) but it would be a holiday where it was decided from the outset that it was going to be an extended family break.

OP posts:
user7469322 · 31/05/2018 12:22

I think I'd refuse to take my husband in all honesty!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 31/05/2018 12:23

I suppose the best you can do is make sure you don't get sucked into MILs plans and make sure your DH is prepared to stick up for you, eg

"sounds great mum, but me and mmmgoats are having a meal together tonight"

"ok mum, but mmmgoats is going to stay behind and read her book" etc

fuzzywuzzy · 31/05/2018 12:24

Gettinglikemymother the difference here is you consulted your husband before inviting others along.

OP wasn’t consulted she just suddenly found her romantic holiday with her husband turn into a family holiday complete with enforced family activities.

If anything OP don’t do activities you don’t want to. I wouldn’t care about saying, no I’m on holiday I don’t want to do your activities (if you don’t want to). I wouldn’t really care if it offends them they dont care about riding roughshod over your feelings (& holiday)

SneakyGremlins · 31/05/2018 12:24

Can you go, and refuse to see them? So ignore MIL's bloody itinary (which I'm Hmm at) and go off alone every day. After all, not like DH can dictate if you can or can't enjoy your holiday Wink

Maverick66 · 31/05/2018 12:26

No, no, no, no!

ShatnersWig · 31/05/2018 12:28

Getting Bit you never once ask your OH if it was OK or if he minded before you unilaterally made the decision for him? I don't have a problem with the idea, but simply not consult your partner/husband/wife on something like this is just beyond me.

ShatnersWig · 31/05/2018 12:28

Did not bit

Andro · 31/05/2018 12:33

and that he didn’t think i would mind because we have done family holidays before and the resort is so big we can do our own thing.

"Except I do mind! I'm hurt that you suggested this without talking to me, I'm upset that I clearly DID mind and no-one recognised it and as much as I love your family, your mum is going to have a full holiday itinerary drawn up and I don't think you'll separate us from that."

Or words to that effect...

gillybeanz · 31/05/2018 12:34

I'd sell one of them holiday and go somewhere on your own.
I couldn't be with a man like that. He is dictating your holiday, not the other way round.
Unless you put your foot down and stand up for yourself, this is a sign of your future together.
I'd also ask him why he doesn't want a holiday with you as he clearly doesn't if he's allowing his family to go.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 31/05/2018 12:34

I'd be gutted. We have in laws who like to join us on breaks. We enjoy their company but as soon as we mention we've booked somewhere they say 'wait, let me check my diary'. We have a cottage break coming up but DH has been sworn to secrecy on this one!!

CoolCarrie · 31/05/2018 12:38

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face! Go on your holiday, don’t let them spoil it and keep your distance from the rest of them.
Make sure dh knows how out of order he has been and make sure he knows it will never happen again.

tentative3 · 31/05/2018 12:41

I would just carry on with what I planned to do, swim, laze around and read a book etc. If anyone said anything about me not going on trips or whatever I wouldn't be outright rude but I'd just say this is what had been planned when it was first booked.