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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder how I was supposed to use this toilet?

387 replies

sleepingdragons · 29/05/2018 23:42

DD and I got drenched in the rain today, proper torrential rain! DD's skirt was soaked through.

We were on our way to meet family for lunch, so we headed there and I took DD to the toilet.

DD was freezing. My plan had been to strip her bottom half to her pants in the ladies and hold her skirt under the hand dryer for as long as I could.

But when I got to the toilet I found it was unisex. There were a bunch of cubicles coming off a busy communal sink area, with a couple of middle aged men in there when I got there, and more men coming and going while we were there.

What would you do in this situation? What do you think I should have done?

Also - AIBU to think that restaurants and cafes are going to use the new trend for unisex facilities as a cost cutting measure, so we're going to see loads more of this kind of thing?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 30/05/2018 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 08:46

I have no issue with unisex facilities. That doesn’t mean I think having open urinals in them is acceptable.

One poster upthread says this is exactly what she's having to use this week.

If we're moving to unisex, then this is one logical outcome surely?

OP posts:
YouAreNotImportant · 30/05/2018 08:48

Female child sex offenders aren't vanishingly rare. The NSPCC say probably 1 in 20 and a huge rise in reported cases.

In one year childline reported that 1 in 5 of the calls they received about sexual abuse involved a female perpetrator.

A USA study of virtually every substantiated case of child sex abuse reported to child services in a year found 1 in 4 cases, the main perpetrator was a woman.

Anyone working in criminal justice will tell you sexual offences committed by women are underreported.

SoupDragon · 30/05/2018 08:49

One poster upthread says this is exactly what she's having to use this week.

Yes, and I don’t see that as acceptable. Not sure what your point is - just because one poster said it doesn’t make it acceptable. (And it was two I think - one mentioned it in a pub. Still not acceptable.)

If we're moving to unisex, then this is one logical outcome surely?

No. It’s not logical at all. Unless you think having a bank of toilets with no cubicals at all is also logical.

Jaxtellerswife · 30/05/2018 08:50

'Subjected to the male gaze'
I wish people would get a bloody grip. Men on these threads are spoken about as though they are all rapists in waiting or paedophiles.

Butterflykissess · 30/05/2018 08:56

Well personally I wouldn't have had my daughter stood in a toilet in he r underwear for however long it would take to dry a skirt under a hand dryer. I would guess at least 10 minutes. But everyone's different .

soulrider · 30/05/2018 08:58

In hot weather granary square is normally full of half naked children playing in the fountains. I don't see that a child in their underwear in the sink area of a bathroom would be that shocking to anyone. The men were more likely annoyed with you hogging the hand dryer.

Plus granary square has single sex public toilets anyway if it was such a big deal for you.

Original poster
sleepingdragons · 30/05/2018 09:01

The male gaze isn't about paedophiles FFS.

I'd about men looking at women in a sexual or sometimes sleezy way. (Well it's a lot more than that, but in this instance that's the aspect I'm thinking of).

When I was 14 and on my way to school or out and about I used to get harassed by men in the street making comments about my boobs, my face, wolf whistles etc. Did my male friends get the same harrassment from older women? No they didn't.

OP posts:
AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 09:05

I have to say I'm giggling at the idea of going into the female toilets and finding half naked women getting changed and fixing their bras in the sink area. I literally in my 35 years have never done or seen anything done in the sink area of the female toilets that couldn't be done in a unisex environment. I Guess unless you include doing make-up (although I see people doing that on the train in the morning!)?

SleepingStandingUp · 30/05/2018 09:06

°The male gaze isn't about paedophiles FFS. I'd about men looking at women in a sexual or sometimes sleezy way
Well we're talking about them looking at your daughter so that would be a paedophile, or you - that look isn't sexual, its pissed off your hogging the hand droer

scarbados · 30/05/2018 09:08

It's a toilet, not a laundry facility. The hand dryer is called a hand dryer for a reason. What's wrong with dressing yourself and your child for the weather? Why do you expect a cafe to spend money providing a changing/drying area for parents who dress their children inappropriately for the weather?

AllMYSmellySocks · 30/05/2018 09:11

I also agree with the PP who said if DD had been with her dad instead of you he'd have faced the same problem and presumably solved it in a similar way.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/05/2018 09:12

I have no issue with unisex facilities. That doesn’t mean I think having open urinals in them is acceptable.
*
One poster upthread says this is exactly what she's having to use this week.

If we're moving to unisex, then this is one logical outcome surely?*

Okay; now it feels like you're trolling.

There's worlds apart between sharing cubicles and open urinals. Hey; if this is one logical outcome, how about we just get rid of cubicles altogether? Hmm

TheShapeOfEwe · 30/05/2018 09:18

OP, you haven't answered PP's good points about what happens when children are with their fathers. If your daughter had got soaked while out with her dad and there hadn't been a unisex facilty, what would your preferred solution have been? That he go into the ladies and dry her skirt there? Or that he take her into the gents - where there probably would have been urinals? You must have an answer for which you think is better if you're adamant that unisex facilities are a problem?

LoveInTokyo · 30/05/2018 09:25

AIBU to wonder how I was supposed to use this toilet?

I think this is the wrong question.

You were supposed to use the toilet the same way you would use any other toilet. Go in, do your business, flush, wash your hands.

Your question really should read "AIBU to wonder how I was supposed to do laundry in this toilet?", to which the answer is yes, that's not what toilets are for.

I don't like unisex toilets though because men are gross and have poor aim.

lljkk · 30/05/2018 09:27

If it was a family meal, I don't understand why another adult couldn't have helped out.

eg.:
OP dries off her cardigan in the lav dryer.
Girl nips skirt off & OP lays the (now dry cardigan) across girls knees during while girl remains at the table with family.
OP returns to the lavs to dry the skirt.
Girl is supervised the whole time.
Not that complicated??

blackteasplease · 30/05/2018 09:29

I think if she's only 5 it's too early to worry about her being seen in her knickers by males. I wouldn't be bothered about women (or men) seeing my 4.5 year old ds in his pants.

Once they were old enough to find this invasive they are old enough to wait in the cubicle.

But I do think the idea of single sex loos is supposed to be that they are all floor to ceiling cublicles leading straight onto the corridor and not have the communal sink bit where people - women, transwomen, transmen etc, children included - might feel intimidated.

And they shouldn't have urinals in. Those need to go altogether.

Notso · 30/05/2018 09:33

If we don't like it we should go home seems to be the message.

That's certainly the message you want to take from the thread OP. I've counted three comments suggesting you go home and two were the same poster. Also they don't seem to be suggesting if you want privacy go home. More if you have a soaked 5 year old, nowhere to buy replacement clothing, nothing to dry her with and no change of clothes going home is preferable to having her sit through a family meal cold and uncomfortable.

Chewbecca · 30/05/2018 09:38

There certainly was a weirdly abnormal deluge of rain around lunchtime in London yesterday. And I don't think it is normal to carry clothes for that situation, certainly not in London.

However, I don't see a massive difference between your DD standing in her pants and top by the dryer in a female only toilet vs a unisex one. You're there with her, most men are parents too. Can't get too excited about it. And if I really thought she needed hiding from the men, I would have her sit in the cubicle with strict instructions not to touch. But I wouldn't do that, as PP said, she was wearing more than many would on a beach.

Lethaldrizzle · 30/05/2018 09:58

God I hate unisex toilets

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 30/05/2018 09:59

This thread is full of projection and hyperbole.

The references to the OP 'doing her laundry' are slightly OTT, aren't they? It's drying one child's skirt.

There were God knows how many troll-hunting comments about 'whether this happened' and 'WHERE is this mythical Waitrose with no shops nearby again...' until the OP said exactly where it was just to shut them up.

There are posters tripping over themselves to sneer something else at the OP, whilst wilfully ignoring the fact that there in the real world, this shit sometimes happens.

If you're a parent who has never, ever had to deal with a tricky situation and been a bit ill-prepared or made not the greatest decision ever, then hand yourself some big parenting prize or something.

And yes, some people would prefer to have separate bathrooms and not have men in the women's public bathroom for all kinds of reasons.

To pretend that preferring separate bathrooms is an outrageous, untenable POV that no-one actually has in the real world is somewhat disingenuous. The sneery 'hiding from men' comments are rather unpleasant.

There are real, tangible reasons why some women and children might feel uncomfortable with shared bathrooms. Except we have a thread that seems dedicated to pretending that could never be the case, ever; and anyone who doesn't feel immediately 100% happy with unisex bathrooms is somehow socially and emotionally deficient and scared of life.

PeakPants · 30/05/2018 10:03

To pretend that preferring separate bathrooms is an outrageous, untenable POV that no-one actually has in the real world is somewhat disingenuous. The sneery 'hiding from men' comments are rather unpleasant.

But there are single sex bathrooms literally by the restaurant, as shown on the map. Including changing facilities. And the whole thread was basically about self-ID despite this having nothing to do with self-ID and the procedure through which people obtain a gender recognition certificate.

PeakPants · 30/05/2018 10:04

The OP has also repeatedly ignored the point that unisex bathrooms make things so much easier for dads who care for their children.

OneStepSideways · 30/05/2018 10:05

How old is your DD?

If under 10 I would have just changed her anyway, and dried her skirt under the hand drier. I don't see why men being there is an issue, any more than it is on the beach/ unisex swimming pool changing rooms etc. You would be with her so she was safe and protected. I doubt the men would have even noticed and may have been fathers themselves. If a dad had been drying his son/daughter's shorts under the dryer, would you have thought it inappropriate?

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 30/05/2018 10:11

Couldn't she just have worn ds' long coat?

It was soaked! Tell me, have you been in a storm before? What happens to your outerwear

DS was wearing a long coat so not that much of his bottoms were wet.

Soaked, but ok to keep his clothes dry?

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