Am I just being overly sensitive to be hurt by DM's thoughtless comment?

[Quarky]

DM said something today in the presence of my nephew and although I didn't say so, I was really hurt.

I happen to be good at drawing and painting. I have always loved drawing and making things. I did a design based degree at university but I didn't go to art college or anything like that. I have never been able to make much money from my talent. I put my paintings on Facebook and my friends comment to say "wow that's so good" but it's rare that anyone will want to buy anything. I have sold pictures in the past and someone paid me to do a painting of their big house once. But I have always had to do ordinary jobs. At the moment I am a SAHM while my DD is very young.

So anyway...my nephew is staying with my parents this week and I was there as well today. My nephew was studying a painting they have which is 100 years old now. My nephew asked what the artists name was so I read it for him. He tried googling the artist but couldn't find anything. I then started helping him research on the internet but still couldn't find anything. I said "hmm, he probably wasn't famous, he was probably just a good artist". My nephew said to me, "you should be a famous artist". Just as I was about to say how sweet it was for him to say such a thing, my DM piped up and said "she WOULD be a famous artist if she put herself out there".

This really hurt my feelings. You don't become a famous artist if you're a nobody who didn't go to art college. I just felt like I am not good enough for her, that she thinks it's my own fault I'm not famous. She tells me what I should charge for doing a painting, even if I'm doing it for a friend. I hate charging my friends lots of money, I just find it very awkward and cheeky to ask for £100+ for a painting.

She's very controlling in general, when I was growing up if I thought of a career I might like to go into she would say things like "why on Earth do you want to do THAT?" Etc. She made me think that every career path was awful, and I listened to her because I was young and easy to control.

Now I feel like I'm a disappointment to her. My brother earns a good salary, and so does his wife so I just feel so inferior. I never talk about it to them, I wouldn't want my DM to know how I feel. My DM said something during an argument something like I've had loads of opportunities and wasted them. I have NOT had loads of opportunities! I've been bullied and put down and told I'm not as clever as my brother.

At 36 this really shouldn't bother me, but it does. I have always been really close to my DM in the past, but just recently I've caught myself looking at her and thinking I don't care what she thinks, she's a bitch.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or do you think she's just looking out for me and wants the best for me? Please don't be too harsh, I'm feeling low already 😞

My (lovely) Mum has said worse things to me! I really don't think it's that bad. Maybe it's just touching a nerve because you too would love to be making more of your talent.

Can you not take evening art classes? Then work up to doing a fine art course as a mature student?

Go for it, OP. You're statistically halfway though the only life you will ever have.

I’d take that comment totally differently to you, it sounds to me like she is proud of you and knows your talent is amazing.

Pretty sure Jack Vettriano was a nobody who didn't go to art college.

While your DM was insensitive, you should have faith in your work - people won't buy what you don't offer for sale.

Jack who??

I honestly think she meant to be positive. She thinks your work is great! She wants you to be paid properly for the work you do! I'm an expert at extracting the negative message out of something positive myself, which makes it easy to spot in other people.

I speak with a tiny bit of experience as my Dh was an artist in his last years. Nobody ever bought anything of his from Facebook but they did from exhibitions. Join an art group that exhibits and make work. Take a deep breath and price like others do. I cant draw a straight line but I love looking at art and I even buy things sometimes. Why deprive me of the pleasure of seeing your work? Don't distract yourself by hating your mother - it's not her that's stopping you now even if she did in the past.

I think you’re seeing it not as she meant it. To me, she’s saying you really could be a famous artist you’re that good, and that she wishes you had enough confidence in your skill to make something of it. Why do you think it’s cheeky to ask your friends for money for a painting?? My friends would be really happy for me to make money out of this (if I could)! They’d be very supportive and encouraging of my efforts to make something of my skills.

I read it like Tit; that she is proud of your work and wishes you would do more with your talent.

Jack vettriano is a famous artist from Scotland. I think his work is terrifyingly awful

I think the thing is, you know your Mum and you know your history with her.

It's hard for people who've had supportive parents or (I'm reluctant to say it but) normal parents to understand what it can be like to live with someone who makes you feel the way you have described your mum making you feel.

If you have always felt bullied or controlled or compared unfavourably, and you don't feel you've had the opportunities your brother has had, then I think we have to take your feelings on this comment as right.

It doesn't sound supportive to me. Supportive to me would have been "Yes, she is good enough to be famous" but without "if she applied herself" tagged onto the end.

Have you ever spoken to a counsellor about the way you are feeling? It might help you to focus what's going on for you.

Surely you don't need to worry about the lack of art college. If you want to make you hobby more of a business then do it!
Start small - could you paint small local landscapes and make a limited edition range of print cards that would be easier to sell? Look for craft markets and just go along with a selection of your work and business cards. Make a easy website or Facebook page ask friends to share it.

Can you paint animals? People pay for pet portraits!

On the face of it, I would definitely have heard that as she is proud of your talent, and thinks you have the ability to be famous. And that she thinks you need to self-promote a bit more.

It sounds like there is a big back story here though.

Re charging, £100 doesn't seem like much, depending on the time it takes you to paint the picture. People pay that for a cake.

I think you should listen to her. You have a real talent and everyone else can see it. You could go to art college if you wanted or just turn your exiting talent into a a proper business. Fab thing is you could fit it Roy c childcare and still be at home.

You sound like part of you knows you are wasting your talent. Don’t. See where it could take you.

I’ve read her comment in a positive way - she sounds proud of you and has said it I think to give you a boost and spur you on to get your work out there.

And of course you can be well known and respected and even famous even if you didn’t go to art college - have confidence in yourself and your talent - your mum has

Jack Vettriano is not only famous, he's extremely successful - and, as stated, having spent no time in art college.

Annandale - yes an exhibition would be good for me to show my paintings off. I will have to keep my eyes and ears open for local exhibitions.

Hygge - thanks for the insightful reply. Yes I do have feelings that run deep and even though I'm in my mid thirties I still feel afraid that I'll fail and shy about promoting myself because I've always grown up with this belief that I'm talented but stupid. It creeps into my daily life and affects me more than I've ever thought about before tonight.

I am on ADs at the moment and I'm seeing a really good councillor so I'll bring this up next time I see her. I feel like I'm really getting to the bottom of things at the moment...

I would have taken her comment the total opposite to you.

OP that sounds like a positive comment, like she thinks you're really talented so should put yourself out there! You must have a history if you've taken that badly.

You’ve just explained there that you’re afraid of failure. I think your mum meant if you weren’t and put yourself out there, had faith in yourself, that you’d go far.

I've googled Jack Vettriano. Yes I recognise his work now.

Ok so I will try and attach a pic of one of my paintings...

I agree with others that it sounds like she thinks you have a talent that deserves to be recognised and that you are doing yourself a disservice by not making more of it.

Whether she said that in a negative way as a criticism, or because she wants to let you know that she admires your talent is open to interpretation.

Your attitude towards your potential seems a little negative - again, whether that's as a result of your lack of self-esteem caused by earlier issues, or because you are scared of the idea of putting yourself out there and being vulnerable to criticism. Perhaps she sees your natural talent and the fact that you have had commissions as opportunities which you could have maximised - charging less than £100 for a painting is probably cheap for your talent and time and maybe she wishes you would treat your art as a proper business rather than undervaluing your work.

You are hearing her words through the prism of your relationship and your interpretation of her intentions is coloured by your feelings about her and the fact that you feel judged by her. Perhaps she meant it as an unmitigated criticism, perhaps she was trying to encourage you, perhaps there was something in between. Do you think you could ask her what she meant in a neutral way to try and find out which?

You could get an agent, who would take care of all the promotion side. They'd take a percentage if the money they made for you, but they'd probably make you a tonne more than you'd make without them. :)

Lots of - it's probably safe to say MOST -creative people are shy and too modest/insecure to push themselves into the limelight. You're not at all unusual in that respect.

What do you mean, "stupid"? That's a very strong word! What do you see as your limitations, specifically?

She said something nice and you are moaning. And you don't know Jack vettriano...

I too would take it that she feels that you are incredibly talented. She might feel frustrated you don't put yourself out there. It doesn't feel like a criticism to me but I'm not you. We are a long time dead OP. What can you do to change that critical voice in your head?

I haven't had supportive parents btw. My mum is the critical voice in my head and I've had to work hard to notice and change this.