Am I just being overly sensitive to be hurt by DM's thoughtless comment?

[Quarky]

DM said something today in the presence of my nephew and although I didn't say so, I was really hurt.

I happen to be good at drawing and painting. I have always loved drawing and making things. I did a design based degree at university but I didn't go to art college or anything like that. I have never been able to make much money from my talent. I put my paintings on Facebook and my friends comment to say "wow that's so good" but it's rare that anyone will want to buy anything. I have sold pictures in the past and someone paid me to do a painting of their big house once. But I have always had to do ordinary jobs. At the moment I am a SAHM while my DD is very young.

So anyway...my nephew is staying with my parents this week and I was there as well today. My nephew was studying a painting they have which is 100 years old now. My nephew asked what the artists name was so I read it for him. He tried googling the artist but couldn't find anything. I then started helping him research on the internet but still couldn't find anything. I said "hmm, he probably wasn't famous, he was probably just a good artist". My nephew said to me, "you should be a famous artist". Just as I was about to say how sweet it was for him to say such a thing, my DM piped up and said "she WOULD be a famous artist if she put herself out there".

This really hurt my feelings. You don't become a famous artist if you're a nobody who didn't go to art college. I just felt like I am not good enough for her, that she thinks it's my own fault I'm not famous. She tells me what I should charge for doing a painting, even if I'm doing it for a friend. I hate charging my friends lots of money, I just find it very awkward and cheeky to ask for £100+ for a painting.

She's very controlling in general, when I was growing up if I thought of a career I might like to go into she would say things like "why on Earth do you want to do THAT?" Etc. She made me think that every career path was awful, and I listened to her because I was young and easy to control.

Now I feel like I'm a disappointment to her. My brother earns a good salary, and so does his wife so I just feel so inferior. I never talk about it to them, I wouldn't want my DM to know how I feel. My DM said something during an argument something like I've had loads of opportunities and wasted them. I have NOT had loads of opportunities! I've been bullied and put down and told I'm not as clever as my brother.

At 36 this really shouldn't bother me, but it does. I have always been really close to my DM in the past, but just recently I've caught myself looking at her and thinking I don't care what she thinks, she's a bitch.

AIBU to feel hurt? Or do you think she's just looking out for me and wants the best for me? Please don't be too harsh, I'm feeling low already 😞

Sounds like she actually thinks you’re worth more than you think! Why shouldn’t you charge for work you do? If I did tutoring, I’d be asking minimum £30 per hour, probably more like 40. Divide the hours you spend doing a painting by how much you charge, bet you’re not charging enough.

Start taking commissions, you never know where it will lead!

@Quarky Did you upload the pics on the app? I think if you do it via the website, maybe on a PC/laptop, they are visible to everyone.

With the backstory no.

Without it though I'd have found it a vote of confidence - a "You could do it if you put your heart in it!" Kind of thing.

But really whether you went to some art university or not will not automatically make you a better painter. Many painters just seems to have a natural talent for creating emotions, picking fine details to eventuate etc. You don't need someone handing you a piece of paper to tell you that.

But as your Mum seems quite cutting with her comments and controlling she's just a severe type person and needs to be subtly told that her time of voice or reaction is harsh. If she doesn't take that on board you have to emotionally distance yourself to her criticism.

My Mum is lovely and very kind but she can be controlling due to anxiety and can be abrupt with her comments too, just like her DM was. For example once I told her about how my counsellor told me I'd make an excellent counsellor/therapist one day she said "You'll have to get a lot less opinionated first!" Which I found unfair as yes I do speak a lot but in a relaxed home environment, hardly the same as a therapeutic relationship.

Don't be put off putting your art out there though because you aren't 'qualified'. Art is expression and you need no qualification for that.

I think she was giving you a compliment?

Often people get upset over historical stuff and this sounds like it too.

I want to see your paintings too!

@Quarky - could you have ADHD? I'm not trying to terrify you with that suggestion, but dreamy and overwhelmed are both things often said about women with ADHD.

I'm sorry that some of you can't see them. Thank you for the compliments though. I'm going to try and put myself out there more. X

Quarky those are just lovely! There is just something so peaceful and serene about your style and composition.

FWIW I can see them on the app on my iPhone, but not on my MacBook.

This is so frustrating - people going on about marvellous pictures that I can't see.

It sounds like your mum thinks your work is great, and is frustrated you’re not doing more to make the most of it and sell your work.

You sound very lacking in confudence. I’d try to improve that - that will have positive benefits for your whole life.

If you really want to be an artist, you will have to do something about it? People won’t beat their way to your door to buy your work.

Set up a website or Facebook page. Ask local craft shops if they will stock your paintings. Look into marketing yourself. Set aside time to paint every day.

And also look st pricing. Go to local galleries and see how much paintings sell for. Cost equipment, paints, frames, boards and make sure you charge for them too.

You only have one life!

I can’t see! Nooooooo!

Plus I'd buy them they are beautifully detailed and the colours are so Sun kisses.

Envy not sick

Jack Vettriano got in trouble for copying from a picture manual a while back - not a good role model!

OP, I've bought art from 'unknowns' on eBay - it just has to have the right keywords and really good photos so I can see the quality up close. Worth a punt? Or how about one of those Art in Action events? A way to get some local profile?

When you're sensitive already, it's easy to take something negative from a comment. However, your mother should know you by now and be a bit more gentle around you.

How wonderful that you have such a talent! I'm very envious. I love original art and have bought a few pieces from eBay of all places. Usually about £30 or so. I now have a wall which is filled entirely with original pieces. I'm sure there must be other ways to have your work seen; maybe local art groups or classes, the local library. I've been in some country or garden centre cafes which display works as a means of decoration but also for sale; maybe you could ask to display in independent coffee shops?

I forgot to mention Etsy and Folksy as another place to sell art & craft works, too.

I can't see them either. I've tried my phone, ipad and laptop!

OP, sometimes the things that sting us, are the things that hit close. What would it look like if you did put yourself out there?

I actually think what she said was nice.
In other word she was saying if you have confidence and promote how talented you are she fully believes you will be famous.

I think she meant it as a compliment.

There are loads of websites you can sell art on (sorry I can't see the pics but it sounds like posters here, as well as your mum, think they're fab.) A friend of mine sells on one - I think it's just called art gallery - they take something like 35% commission but they're quite high profile and my friend sells maybe a painting a month - makes some pocket money!

It sounds as if you're very down on yourself generally and you've absorbed some unhelpful "facts" like artists needing to have certain qualifications or backgrounds. Honestly when someone is browsing pictures to buy, they don't give a crap about the artist's education, they just buy pictures they like!

After trying two browsers on both the pc and the phone, I loaded up the app and there they are.

I love the Gold Hill one. I'd buy it... are you near there?

Second one shouts Harry Potter at me a bit ;)

I don't get the issue. It's a bit humble braggy. I thought you were going to say your DM said you had to be good to be famous or something.

To be honest I took it as a compliment. That she thinks you're good enough to be a famous artist but just need to get your wok out there. She thinks you have the ability.

I can't see them but to be successful in anything you have to work hard and put yourself out there. It sounds like your mum was just trying to encourage you to try.

You also need to remember art is subjective so what you do won't always be to everyone's tastes. It isn't personal so maybe work on your confidence as you'll need a thicker skin. And the not going to art school thing sounds like you're looking for excuses? You can't teach someone how to be talented, you either have it or you don't!

If you just want to create things that's fine, it would be a good hobby to have. But if you want to make money you need to put yourself out there and charge what you consider to be a reasonable amount.

I do think that artists with talent need more than that talent. They need the talent to network, these days certainly. My brother and dh are both musicians (my brother is dead now, btw) who were astonishly talented. My brother put himself 'out there' which meant getting outside his comfort zone when he was young and kearning everything he could, being charming so people liked him and remembered him, being willing to play what was required, being able to play whatever style, being flexible and willing to go wherever he was wanted.

He toured the world frequently, with many different really famous people.

DH, on the hand, iwhile also a very talented musician, won't get out of bed for less than £X, doesn't try to be flexible, just gets pissed off when arrangements (of both types) change, will only do things 'his' way, hasn't taken advantage of opportunities because he doesn't like the sound/look/feel of it, etc.

So, at 63 yoa, he is still just playing pubs and the odd private party.

Both equally good, talented, able, but a world of difference.

Another one: I have a cousin who is a sculpture, really really talented. She undertakes major commissions, even commissions from organisations like the EU, or corporate companies, or immensely wealthy individuals.

She got there by being seriously good, but also nice, clever, patient with clients and their changing needs whims, and by taking risks and 'putting herself out there'.

Talent isn't enough.

Have you realised yet that it was a compliment?

Honestly it sounds like a compliment to me. She's saying you're good enough to make it.