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AIBU?

for not wanting sil to film dd1 in the bath

171 replies

kreamkrackers · 19/05/2007 19:31

dp's sil is a lesbian and i have no problem with that but she insisted on filming dd1 in the bath and dp let her. she lives quite far away so we don't see her often. she didn't want to film dd2 so it strikes me as odd that she wanted to film dd1 and dp wouldn't stand up to her saying it must be innocent and he doesn't want to upset her by saying no. she hasn't filmed them playing but has taken a couple of pictures of them.

i bathed dd2 and then ran the bath for dd1 and was in the girls bedroom when i told dp i put extra bubbles in to hide her bits on film. forgot the baby monitor was on and sil heard everything but she didn't say anything. it stills seems odd that she stilled filmed her despite of what she must have heard. she isn't a good person in general and if i had my way she'd never see the girls (she takes drugs, drinks, sleeps with anyone, cuts herself and displays the marks).

there is another reason why she might have filmed her, she is a very depressed person and seeks a lot of attention. dd1 has had heart surgery and has a gastrostomy. she might want people to feel sorry for her by somehow using the film of her. she has never been there for us when we almost lost dd1 through her heart condition and still isn't there for us now so i don't want people to feel sorry for her.

really feel like i don't know what to do now. she's gone back now but i feel sick knowing she has dd1 on film in the bath.

OP posts:

Report

noddyholder · 20/05/2007 15:31

I think pictures of kids running around naked or in the bath are personal to the individual family and if I had some of ds (which I do)I would show them to friends and family quite happily but wouldn't like anyone else doing the same as she really could show them to anyone once she leaves your home.I agree her sexuality is irrelevant it is her mental health which is a worry.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 15:32

Being aware for your kids is not a bad thing! Why didnt sil film the boy in the bath? And why no other filming? Im not saying that in this case this is whats happening.

My original point was that everyone was offended by her mentioning she is gay. This may be a factor! It may not. People shouldnt be offended by that.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 15:35

I think KK has every right to feel the way she does. Especially with her past. There is no harm in quietly observing and being aware.

newlifenewname · 20/05/2007 15:42

Self harm, being gay, taking drugs, and having sex with who you like doesn't make you a bad person.

I get your point and can see your concern but I think you need to think about the above.

Your child's future PE teacher, swimming teacher and friends could be lesbians and some or all of them will see her naked - at an age where this might be an even bigger deal.

Being a lesbian has nothing to do with paedophilia, which I presume is your biggest fear?

Is it okay for her grandfather or uncle, etc. to see her in the bath and/or take photos? If not then I'm not sure why you mentioned the lesbian aspect at all really and I certainly don't understand your good epron/bad person type comments I'm afraid.

I've taken drugs, had many one night stands and have bathed many babies without a devious thought entering my head.

kreamkrackers · 20/05/2007 16:01

i can see where everybody is coming from with the paedophilea thing. i doubt there is any problem. it's probably just me.

she has sn and i requested to a social worker who was going to get somebody to take her out for a couple of hours each week (still hasn't happened) not to be a man and she was shocked with me asking that. i know i've got a problem and probably jumped to the wrong conclusion at first. i'm just worried that's all.

i don't have a problem with her being a lesbian but i thought when i posted this i would write as much as i could down about her. i wouldn't want anyone female/male, gay/straight to film my kids in the bath. i feel really bad for not saying how it would upset me. it's too late now i know. i'll never let this happen again though.

OP posts:

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 16:03

Anyone can be a peodophile. Whatever sex / sexuality.

But it can play its part. My uncle who is gay has had a bad life. He drinks too much, been in and out of hospital because of this. He has taken drugs and sleeps around. After talking to him I realise that he is punishing himself for being gay. He doesnt feel socially accepted and hates the way he feels. Obviously I told him that everyone loves him for who he is. So in his case, Him being gay is a factor to his behaviour. He is not a bad person, just very troubled.
I just think its good to be aware of these things. Its not a bad thing to be aware.

newlifenewname · 20/05/2007 16:07

KK I really do understand your fear but I think, as you probably realise, it could be rather unfounded which just makes things more stressy for you.

Could you spend a moment rationalising your thoughts a little to help you overcome this thinking.

I'd think twice about anybody actually filming dc in the bath because you just never know, but I wouldn't categorise my thinking into gays/drug takers/self harmers/wears dungarees/has a moustache/wears a mac, etc.

Not taking the piss just trying to be light hearted as I do 'get' where you're coming from.

madamez · 20/05/2007 16:11

While it is, of course, possible that a lesbian could be a paedophile, it's not very likely. Because, despite all the media hysteria, paedophiles are rare.
However, if you don't want someone to film your kids, or be around them unsupervised, because of the way that person behaves (not saying that drink, drugs, self-harm or sex make you a bad person - but if you throw in demented attention-seeking and fit-pitching behaviour on top, then I wouldn't want anyone like that spending too much time near my kids, either), you have every right to keep access to a minimum.

DevilsAdvocado · 20/05/2007 16:12

She mentioned that she was a lesbian to give us the whole picture.

As if, she was married she would have mentioned it too, or if she was single.

Stop making out as if she is saying she fancies the child, FGS!

Sure if that's the way it worked would straight men be attracted to little girls and straight women be attracted to little boys???

She simply mentioened her sexuality to offer a clear picture, not to infer that the aunt is a peadophile!

noddyholder · 20/05/2007 16:14

I neevr thought about the paedophile element I thought it was more about someone outside the family having intimate private pics of her kids

DevilsAdvocado · 20/05/2007 16:16

I just wouldn't dream of anyone else being in the bathroom when I was bathing my kids.

I recall my in-laws visiting one evening when my children were in the bath. They waited in the livingroom until te kids were dried and dressed. It never occured to me to ask them in to view the dc's in the bath

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 16:19

I just find it strange that she only filmed KKs dd in the bath and thats it! Not the other children and not when playing normally. wierd

kreamkrackers · 20/05/2007 16:23

that's what got to me. dd2 is just as interesting as dd1 in the bath. they're both really interesting when they play and eat. that's why it started to strike me as odd.

i've also got the thought that i don't want to think like that i need to calm down, because of what happened to me when i was younger doesn't mean it will happen to my kids.

OP posts:

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 16:25

Of course it doesnt mean it will happen to your kids but its completely normal for you to feel this way with your own dc. After what you have been through you are bound to be more aware of the people around you and your kids. It isnt a bad thing.

amidaiwish · 20/05/2007 16:37

i wouldn't like it and i have no history of abuse or anything in my background. i would feel uncomfortable too. it does seem a bit odd and inappropriate. the odd "picture" of the children playing in the bath but not a film.

maybe dp could say to her you would like the film as you don't want dd to be embarassed about it when she grows up or something?

lilmamma · 20/05/2007 16:41

I think as she is attention seeking,with cutting herself etc,she will probably have the film to show someone to gain sympathy,oh look at my poor brothers baby that sort of thing,if the little one was sitting down in the bubbles,well i think that will probably be the most likely answer.Next time wait till she has gone till you bath them,or put them to bed dirty..Dont worry its all over with now,and we sometimes do things that later we think why did i let her do that.But we learn from it and you know next time you wont do it,no harm came to your child thats the main thing..

nightowl · 20/05/2007 16:54

hang on lets not jump to conclusions here. when you said KK that she didnt want to film dd2 how exactly did that go? you bathed dd2 first right? so could it be possible that sil was doing something else first and when it got round to you bathing dd1 she just suddenly might have though that it would be a nice idea to film it? filming kids in the bath was never seen as an odd thing until a few years ago.

ProfYaffle · 20/05/2007 17:14

MMJ - Because either bil specifically requesting to film just one of our dd's (which is what the op said) and it had to be in the bath is just odd and would be out of character for them. Just would not allow it.

ProfYaffle · 20/05/2007 17:20

actually, thinking about it, if bil made a request like that then, yes in the absence of another explanation, it would made me suspect he had peadophile tendancies.

motherinferior · 20/05/2007 17:32

I have to say I find the fact that the first thing you say about the woman is that she is a lesbian is rather distasteful.

None of the many lesbians I have known and in some cases loved are paedophiles.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 17:33

here here py!

nightowl · 20/05/2007 17:34

but we dont know that she requested to film just one dd and it had to be in the bath.

Hilllary · 20/05/2007 17:42

Oh Come on!

So she's a lesbian so there must be something worng with it but your dp sees her in the bath does that mean thats wrong?

Shes a bad person because she sleeps around, takes drugs, drinks and self harms I bet you do things she hates too but we all live our own lives who are you to judge. Its not like she's doing it in front of you.

Personally I think you are going well OTT!

I'm Bi does that mean I shouldnt have kids? I self harm and have taken drugs does that mean I'm a bad person?

mozhe · 20/05/2007 17:52

Does anyone need to take films of children in the bath ?

Hilllary · 20/05/2007 17:54

Of course, why shouldnt you. I have photos of my dd's in the bath and films, It lovely and shouldnt be made into some sordid affair.

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