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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting sil to film dd1 in the bath

171 replies

kreamkrackers · 19/05/2007 19:31

dp's sil is a lesbian and i have no problem with that but she insisted on filming dd1 in the bath and dp let her. she lives quite far away so we don't see her often. she didn't want to film dd2 so it strikes me as odd that she wanted to film dd1 and dp wouldn't stand up to her saying it must be innocent and he doesn't want to upset her by saying no. she hasn't filmed them playing but has taken a couple of pictures of them.

i bathed dd2 and then ran the bath for dd1 and was in the girls bedroom when i told dp i put extra bubbles in to hide her bits on film. forgot the baby monitor was on and sil heard everything but she didn't say anything. it stills seems odd that she stilled filmed her despite of what she must have heard. she isn't a good person in general and if i had my way she'd never see the girls (she takes drugs, drinks, sleeps with anyone, cuts herself and displays the marks).

there is another reason why she might have filmed her, she is a very depressed person and seeks a lot of attention. dd1 has had heart surgery and has a gastrostomy. she might want people to feel sorry for her by somehow using the film of her. she has never been there for us when we almost lost dd1 through her heart condition and still isn't there for us now so i don't want people to feel sorry for her.

really feel like i don't know what to do now. she's gone back now but i feel sick knowing she has dd1 on film in the bath.

OP posts:
talcyescapesfromwitchmountain · 20/05/2007 10:14

lulumama........
i agree!

pinballwizard · 20/05/2007 10:19

it does sound as though you could do with some support in various ways, strategies to give you confidence and maybe to deal with any anxieties you have which may be affecting you more than you think

also there are organisations to help families of people with problems cope ie sil has problems poerhaps you and dp could find support for your relationship with her

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/05/2007 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProfYaffle · 20/05/2007 10:34

If either of my bils turned up and asked to film dd1 in the bath I'd be highly and not allow it, sexuality, drugs and self harming completely irrelevant to how I'd feel about it.

UCM · 20/05/2007 10:38

I have cropped them in my scrapbooks not actually cut out bit like arms . It was mainly because I was showing my scrapping to strangers, so only top halves. As I said in our family photo albums, of course there are pics of them in the bath with bits.

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/05/2007 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamazon · 20/05/2007 11:11

my only suspiscion would be if they hadn't wanted to video them running around teh garden but specifically them in the bath.

if they had been filming all day and it was just a natural progression into teh bath then i dont think i would even notice.

i dont think its a bad thing to be more cautious but i posted the other day about how sad it makes me that everyone jumps to the worst possible conclusion now about child nudety.

I really do blame media hysteria

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/05/2007 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedFraggle · 20/05/2007 11:16

not unreasonable in my opinion. My family have pics of me in the buff as a small child but I wouldn't want those pictures shown around to all and sundry even now! My DH and I have pics of DD in the bath etc but I wouldn't want them to be in general circulation at all just for her privacy!! It's too late to do anything about this now for you - except to put your foot down next time.

nannynick · 20/05/2007 11:26

No, you are not being unreasonable. You are responsible for your dd and it is YOUR choice, no one elses if your dd appears on any video.

If sil has been filming all day with the children, then as another poster said it may have been a continuation of that, but she only filmed on child, not both so that I find a little odd. You have the right to ask for the film to be edited to remove anything you are not happy with, they are your children after all. You don't know what will happen to that video... it may get posted on YouTube!

hippmummy · 20/05/2007 11:31

Unfortunately it is media hysteria that has caused unneccessary worry.
I saw a senior police officer interviewed who said paedophiles aren't interested in innocent pictures of children. Even naked ones of them playing in the bath.
It's horrific to even think about, but what they want is either physical contact with, or specifically sexual images of children.
Sadly banning photos at school plays, and censoring parts of your kids pictures is a useless exercise that will only serve to make us see all innocent pictures of kids as something more sinister.

tombley · 20/05/2007 11:38

What does the drug taking and self harming have to do with this?
This is a very confusing thread.

Genidef · 20/05/2007 11:50

I agree with Mamzon - if she's the sort who takes no pictures/films etc then suddenly brings it out in the bath - it's weird. If she's the sort who films everything, then just one of those things, probably not weird.

What i don't get is why she only wanted to film one of the daughters.

hippmummy · 20/05/2007 12:12

I honestly think society is now training us to think it's weird or suspicious when someone wants to film a child in the bath.

There have been times where I haven't had the camera out for days and I might pick it up when the boys are in the bath because they are looking particulary sweet.

Maybe the OP's DD1 (being 3) is more interesting on film - she talks and sings, you can have a conversation with her that is cute to capture on film. I know when I take film clips of my boys DS1 who is 3 gets far more interesting footage than DS2 because he will 'show off' for the camera.

However - to the OP, I obviously don't know your situation personally, and only you can tell if there is something to be concerned about. I would also say if you are not happy about what someone is doing with your child you have the absolute right to stand up to them and say no.

But don't make yourself sick with worry that she has some footage of your DD playing in the bath. It really is most likely to be just some innocent moments captured on film.

UCM · 20/05/2007 13:41

Ok, yonks ago I got a media message on my mobile saying when he was a baby. It was one of the most vile messages I have ever had. It was a picture of a baby with a huge penis superimposed on it. I deleted it and told the sender don't ever send me stuff like that again. That could be my child. I think thats why I don't like the idea of any pics of my kids in baths or running around naked outside of my control ie: in my house.

hayes · 20/05/2007 13:45

just because she is a lesbian doesn't mean she will be sexually attracted to a female child. I think the big issue here is that you are not feeling comfortable having your sil near the children because of her sexuality, and other problems. That is what you need to address.

I don't think you should worry at all about the video, but that is just my opinion

UCM · 20/05/2007 13:48

Yes, I wouldn't worry about it. But if it ever crops up again, don't put yourself in that position IYKWIM. Obviously it's worrying you so next time she is around let your kids be dirty for that time. Bit O dirt wont hurt.

Elasticwoman · 20/05/2007 14:34

Kreamkrackers - it's done now, so you can't turn the clock back and prevent sil from filming (if I've understood your OP). I think you are quite entitled to not want your child filmed in the bath, for any or no reason. SIL's sexuality and character are side issues. If she were the Virgin Mary herself, you would still be entitled to object.

The important thing to my mind is that dp knows how you feel and doesn't let such a thing happen again. In fact, if it were my child, I would not let SIL be in her presence again without me there.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 15:13

Everyone is saying that her sexuality isnt an issue. But who knows!? It might be? You cant trust anyone these days!

(My uncle is gay and I have gay friends btw, just incase people think Im against it.)

Im sorry, dont mean to worry you. Its very likely that its because of her emotional state. But people seemed to be offended by you mentioning it. These days it could be a factor. Doesnt mean your prejudice, just aware about whats going on around your kids.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 15:17

Its not just men that are peadophiles! And nobody would think anybody is until they are caught! And when they are caught everyboday says, not him/her, they wouldnt have done that!

Sorry KK, Not meaning to worry you. Just pointing out that as a general thing. Who knows?!

SpacePuppy · 20/05/2007 15:20

You felt uncomfortable, tell her no, end off.

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/05/2007 15:20

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 15:22

No no no! Im not saying that at all! Far grom it! In fact one of my best friends is a lesbian and takes my dd out sometimes. What Im trying to say that people shouldnt be offended by the fact that KK mentioned her sexuality, because it might be a factor!

themildmanneredjanitor · 20/05/2007 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dionnelorraine · 20/05/2007 15:28

I am a trusting person. But I am also aware of todays issues. I dont voice them to everyone. But I would rather be a little over causious sometimes then just think good of every one. If every one was like that, how many more people could get hurt?! Its down to instincts and common sence.