for not wanting sil to film dd1 in the bath

[kreamkrackers]

dp's sil is a lesbian and i have no problem with that but she insisted on filming dd1 in the bath and dp let her. she lives quite far away so we don't see her often. she didn't want to film dd2 so it strikes me as odd that she wanted to film dd1 and dp wouldn't stand up to her saying it must be innocent and he doesn't want to upset her by saying no. she hasn't filmed them playing but has taken a couple of pictures of them.

i bathed dd2 and then ran the bath for dd1 and was in the girls bedroom when i told dp i put extra bubbles in to hide her bits on film. forgot the baby monitor was on and sil heard everything but she didn't say anything. it stills seems odd that she stilled filmed her despite of what she must have heard. she isn't a good person in general and if i had my way she'd never see the girls (she takes drugs, drinks, sleeps with anyone, cuts herself and displays the marks).

there is another reason why she might have filmed her, she is a very depressed person and seeks a lot of attention. dd1 has had heart surgery and has a gastrostomy. she might want people to feel sorry for her by somehow using the film of her. she has never been there for us when we almost lost dd1 through her heart condition and still isn't there for us now so i don't want people to feel sorry for her.

really feel like i don't know what to do now. she's gone back now but i feel sick knowing she has dd1 on film in the bath.

[dionnelorraine]

[kreamkrackers]

thanks dl. you've really been a great help on this thread.

[dionnelorraine]

KK. Just looked at your profile. Your daughters are beautiful! I admire you for being so strong! Dont worry about people having a go at you on here. You sound like a wonderful mum. You followed your instincts!

[dionnelorraine]

I mean - 'say no' not 'know'

I cant type today!

[dionnelorraine]

Night shade - I completely agree. Its nice to see that someone with experince and knowledge in this field does have concerns in this situation and that KKs sis in law isnt the best person to be around her children.

KK. I dont think you are prejudice at all. Your concerns are worthy and I feel for you in this difficult situation. Hopefully something good will come of this thread for you, even just the confidence to say know to your sil next time. With or without your dp's support!!

Chin up hun x

[charlottelouise]

kreamkrackers-
at the end of the day, i think you were uncomfortable with everything that happened, and you dont completely trust your sil.
all you can do is learn from what took place, and not let it happen again.
it will give you peace of mind, and if you have to stand up to your sil about then all the better, you have your own children to worry about.

[nightshade]

having worked for many years in the child protection field and also being an advocate of acceptance, choice and drug use,i very much agree with kk's concerns.

her sil lesbianism, drug taking or promiscuity are not on there own cause for concern and could(?) be viewed as exploration.

coupled however with her self harming/ attending a psychiatrist, show that sil has deep seated issues and is NOT a free thinking alternative personality.

i agree that children should be raised to value diversity but we also have a responsibility to protect them from harm, both physical and psychological.

within this situation, i believe kk has EVERY right to be concerned, not just about the bath issue but about her sil presence in general.

i think that anyone who believes kk is being prejudiced is naive, and really should read the situation more deeply.

in future, kk, trust your instinct and preserve your childrens' rights to privacy.

[dionnelorraine]

I agree. There is nothing wrong with being a single parent. Far from it. In some cases its better anyway. men can be such a pain in the ass at times Also when I was 10. my mum had to run away from my dad and we were in a refuge / safe house for a few weeks. Thats life and shit happens!

[kreamkrackers]

hi only read a few posts. i'm not on 24/7 so that's why i haven't answered any questions yet, i have a 10 month old who still bf's a lot and a 3 year old with sn's.

she takes hard drugs, she openly tells us about it all in front of the children. i know their understanding isn't good but i don't like it and as i said before dp never tells her not to do things in a fear of upsetting her.

she also show her arms and talks about them very openly, whereas most people try at least to cover them up.

dp finds her behaviour strange. she's had lots of help in her time but has never kept her word. every few years she's fell out with all her friends and moves town time and time again. she chose at 16 to move out when she started using heroin which she says she nolonger takes but openly admits to using cocain and ecstasy as well as ones we've never heard of as they weren't around when we were learning about drugs in school.

she suggested filming dd1 in the bath when i told dp i'd bath dd2 and bf her then put her into bed and because dd1 was tired could he bath her whilst i'm bf dd2 so they're both in bed by 18.30. so yes she could have filmed dd2 but she didn't want to.


she sees the children about every 6 months i'd prefare her to film the children playing, eating, etc not filming in the bath and only the older child who has a lot of medical problems and has the understanding of a 12-18 month old child.

i was worried about dd1 that's why i posted here to see if anyone else would feel the same. maybe i'm wrong for worrying but i might be right. i don't know, i wish i did.

[charlottelouise]

being a single parent does not make you a low life, people shouldnt say that, my mother was a single parent and she was amazing. i didnt say anything about race/sexuality, if you read my comment, i was asking where all the talk about all that came from. getting back to the original point, i love my dd more than anything in the world, and therefore have to manage a carefull balence, between letting her have a carefree, normall happy childhood, but at the same time keeping her protected from some of the evils of this world. as a mother, thats my job. and one of the things i wouldnt do, was let her be filmed in the bath when i didnt have controll or posession of the outcome. i wouldnt care what race or sexuall orientation the person filming her was, i would not let it happen, it is not responsible, and my child has a right to privavcy. that is breaking her right, and i would not be doing my job as a mother if i let that happen.

[newlifenewname]

Charlotte you need to re-read Will Self because your social stereotypes are way off the mark there.

I am the absolute last person to have a 4 wheel drive and a nanny.

I'm considered low life in some circles given that I am a single parent straight out of a refuge with only my benefit cheque to live on.

Perhaps also note that many Independent readers are quite green aware so possibly wouldn't have the 4x4. But that would be a sweeping genralisation.

The race gender stuf comes in when people start claiming their inclusivity based on haivng friends from minority groups. To say "and they are fine/lovely/ok" is like trying to disprove a privately held theory that they might not have been - I think.

[marieg76]

I don't think that I would be comfortable letting anyone else bar DH and I filming our child/ren in the nude. I wouldn't think that they were paedophiles or see it as suspicious in anyway. However, my child/ren has the right to at least a degree of privacy and these private moments would be for DH, myself and DC (pg with our first).

[dionnelorraine]

Sorry about the use of the word 'damn' but I use it as not religous.

And actually your post does insinuate that im a bad mother. I am also a good reader.

Quote:I wonder how your child will feel if she becomes 'emotionally unstable' later in life after you've done such a good job of cocooning yourself from such unfortunates.

So I am offended by your remark.

Also my posts have also mentioned that My uncle is gay, drinks and takes drugs etc. He isnt a bad person just troubled, as I have also said. I love him a lot but wouldnt let him take care of my child as he is unstable at the mo. But it wouldnt enter his head to film my children girl or boy in the bath anyway!

Also a relative of mine died of a drug overdose! I know a lot about drugs and sexuality and unstable personalities. My mother is going through a nervous breakdown too.

As I have said over and over again. I dont look at everyone and wonder if they are a paedophile, what ever sex, colour etc they are. If someone was acting strangely around my dd i.e filming 1 child in the bath, not the other child and not when playing around in the house. I would 'think' and just be aware. I have a very healthy outlook in life. You dont know me or know anything I have been through. If you did you probably wouldnt be so judjmental of me!

[ipanemagirl]

Have only read the op but imo only parents should film their child in the bath. Technology is so loose now that most parents will want to be the gate keeper there. I agree about privacy. I love children being nude and relaxed but fliming it is different. That should be up to the parents.
At least you know what your boundaries are now and can insist in future, will your dp make sure it doesn't happen again?

[charlottelouise]

right, im going to stop being petty now, the only thing i would judge, when bringing someone into my dd's life is the actuall person, where id all this stuff about race and sexuall preference come from?

[charlottelouise]

Do you send the nanny in the 4by4 to pick it up???

[newlifenewname]

I read the independent actually - can't you tell?

[newlifenewname]

A damn good, uptight parent who gets loudly disgruntled quite quickly by the sounds of things.

I'm not judging - I just posed a set of rhetorical questions and made some observations.


If you re-read you will see I never mentioned anything about you being the opposite of a damn good mother. I didn't make links between good mothering and bad attitudes. Damn isn't a word I tend to use that often tbh.

I am a very good reader thank you. I also have lots of friends who are gay so that makes me reeeeallly gay aware and gay friendly. I know a black man - cripes! I even fancy one, I am sooo right on! D'you know I once went out with a heroin addict? - Hmmmm...what does that make me? Bad person or drug friendly and aware? If we apply your rules then I guess that could be +ve or -ve.

Your fear is palpable frankly and that surely cannot be healthy? - These are just people after all.

[charlottelouise]

Why are you judging and mocking the way other people want to protect/bring up their children??

[charlottelouise]

newlifenewname is there something wrong with reading the mail?? or is it to much for your 'sun' addled brain to manage???

[dionnelorraine]

I am a damn good mother thank you!! Now who's judging?!
Maybe you shoud read my posts properly!!

I am not dscriminating at all as I have said, My uncle is gay and I frends who are gay. They are wonderful people!
My only 1 point is that parents should be aware! I dont mean juding everyone, or wrapping kids up in cotton wool or bringing hildren up to be scared of everyone!
Going back to the original post, my point was that everyone was offended by KKs mention of her sil personality and difficulties which could play a part in her actions that day. Thats all. Nothing wrong with having your eye open. Doesnt mean you have to shout about it an be scared of everyone! fgs!

[newlifenewname]

I wonder how your child will feel if she becomes 'emotionally unstable' later in life after you've done such a good job of cocooning yourself from such unfortunates. Will she still feel accepted?

I can't help coming back to this thread as I find one or two attitudes here very unpleasant.

DL, it's not your caution that irritates me but your rather discriminatory stigmatising views.

You also verge on infering that if we don't all act with similar caution then we are irresponisbly exposing our children to harm and damage.

I watch over my children but I don't cover them up and I'd say I'm at the cautious end of the scale, generally. Comes from having a mother who read the Daily Mail for 30 odd years.

[dionnelorraine]

I think it is nieve of parents to not be a little aware that there maybe 'dodgy' people around. Not necessarily KKs sil but in general life. Im not saying I look at everybody and think 'are they / arnt they' I would be a little concerned if someone was acting strangely etc I would remove my dd from the situation. I would be devastated if anyone thought of my dd like that. It obviously bothers me a lot more than anyone else. But Im not ashamed of the way I feel. I will always protect my dd and these days parents should be aware. And by aware I dont mean in total panic of everyone we meet. Just observant of whats going on around your kids, kids wont know any different.

I sleep soundly at night knowing that my child will always be safe because me and my dh are not flippent about who else takes care of our child. And Im not just talking about paedophiles. I mean Drug takers and unstable emotional state too.

[newlifenewname]

I reckon she does fakeblonde. Like show and tell probably - gasp!

Reeeediculous.