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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

All men fancy younger women

477 replies

Violetshift · 28/05/2018 22:39

I think I am insanely jealous. So don’t know whether I am BU?

My partner has started tutoring a 19 year old. He is a teacher but she is resisting as she wants a grade 9.

He hasn’t said much about her. I showed him a Facebook picture of her as I know of her. He said she is prettier than that in real life.
Now he thinks this is subjective and nothing untoward. Like he thinks our daughter is pretty.

AIBU and just a jealous hag?

OP posts:
IcedPurple · 29/05/2018 21:40

boywiththebrokensmile2

"Agreed and from reading this thread it appears some females are not wanting to accept this."

"Females" eh? Are you a livestock farmer.

And we 'females' have no problem accepting that young women tend to be more physically attractive. Young men do too. It's very rare to find a man who looks better at 50 than he did as a young man, despite the self-serving male fantasy that men 'age like a fine wine'. The vast majority age more like milk.

"r[and sad] to say younger women beat us hands down and they will be a lot of men's personal preferences."

Why is that 'sad'? Young women tend to be better looking than older women, just as young men tend to be better looking than older men. And who cares what men's 'personal preferences' are? My 'personal preference' might be for a man who looks like Chris Hemsworth or Aidan Turner, but it's highly unlikely that he will feel the same way about me. So it's irrelevant. Ditto, it doesn't matter if middle aged guys lust over hot young women, because they'll be too busy lusting over hot young men to even notice the jowly guy with the bald spot leering over them.

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 21:40

Are you saying you don't ever find anyone attractive?
In all honesty if someone asked do you think so and so is good looking I would think about it and probably could decide yes or no then but I don’t assess each individual as he seems to and I don’t notice unless asked to think about it which I don’t as standard.

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 21:48

It sounds like there is an an awful lot of overthinking going on. Have you told your DH how you feel? You sound incredibly sad.... Life isn't meant to be this complicated

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 29/05/2018 21:52

''And we 'females' have no problem accepting that young women tend to be more physically attractive.''

You may not but from reading through this thread I think that some women[if that term is not offensive to you] clearly have a problem with young women being labelled as more physically and attractive. To label a male poster who stated it earlier as a paedophile would clearly suggest that some women here have some serious issues with this being addressed. And yes I agree with you that men too generally look better in their youth as does everybody but this thread is about a younger female.

''Why is that 'sad'? Young women tend to be better looking than older women, just as young men tend to be better looking than older men.''

Suppose as an older woman I find it sad as [kill me for saying this] but I enjoyed going out and having men fuss over me and now them days are over. I was no sex siren but them younger years were good times and it is sad they are over. Sorry for enjoying elements of my own youth and femininity-and yes I believe dressing up and being pretty was part of my womanhood in my younger years. But nevertheless, I am very happy with my life today and have no envy to my younger counterparts as we all have our day as my mother used to say!

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 21:57

It sounds like there is an an awful lot of overthinking going on. Have you told your DH how you feel? You sound incredibly sad.... Life isn't meant to be this complicated

Yes he was understanding now I think he is at yheyend if his tether.

But then he sees nothing wrong in porn so
probably is just a perv.

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 22:01

But lots of people see nothing wrong with porn. Liking porn and sex and having fantasies doesn't make you a perv ( if it does then I'm one too)

I'm not surprised he's at the end of his tether. You sound like you're constantly trying to catch him out when he's not actually doing anything wrong. It sounds exhausting and that is what will drive him away. Not the allure of a younger woman.

Dungeondragon15 · 29/05/2018 22:03

Mmm by teenager you are portraying it in a sinister tone-by all means if she was 16/17 I'd be disturbed but as other have said 19 year olds are still adult women. If men are attracted to them, whatever objections you may have it does not make them paedophiles or infer anything sinister.

I didn't say that they were paedophiles or infer anything sinisterHmm

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:03

I know you are right it is exhausting me.
I want to be enough with fantasy.

Just want him to be like me. Maybe that is too much to hope for.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2018 22:05

Yes he was understanding now I think he is at yheyend if his tether.

That's not surprising. It sounds like you need a lot of therapy

RebelRogue · 29/05/2018 22:06

There are plenty of people male and female that see nothing wrong with porn.

I didn't either years ago,didn't even watch it. I wasn't a perv now,and I didn't get unperved by understanding more about it and the effects of it.

Look if you want to end it,end it. You don't need to find reasons and excuses. Then once you do maybe you can do some work on yourself.

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 29/05/2018 22:07

Yes but the thread was about a 19 yo female, you stated 'teenagers' in your post when people assume teenagers as children still as most are. Be more appropriate to say a 19 year old woman in this case as she is an adult whereby many teenagers are not.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2018 22:08

Just want him to be like me. Maybe that is too much to hope for.

Well yes it probably is, you can't really expect anybody to not think other people are attractive.

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:10

I actually don’t want to end it. I love him.

I want him to prove me wrong. He isn’t

OP posts:
Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 22:10

Be like you in what way? Because you don't sound happy and actually sound like you need some professional help.

Do you mean he has to stop noticing everyone else and act like you're the only person that exists ....cos that's not healthy.

Has he ever suggested you aren't enough? He may not have fantasises - I was just pointing out that it's normal and in no way a reflection on you

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:11

Well yes it probably is, you can't really expect anybody to not think other people are attractive.

I just don’t unless asked to think about it.

OP posts:
stevie69 · 29/05/2018 22:11

The men on my dating site all seem to fancy older women. I'm beating the young 'uns off with a shitty stick; can't get anyone my own age to talk to me Shock

Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 22:13

I'm what way is he proving you right?you sound like you have impossible standards and he can't do right for doing wrong. Nothing you have said about him has given me any cause for concern and my threshold for knob head behaviour is spectacularly low

sweeneytoddsrazor · 29/05/2018 22:15

I just don’t unless asked to think about it.

But thats not normal. At least I don't think it is. I can honestly say I have never in my life met anybody male,female, gay or straight who hasn't thought somebody other than their partners was attractive. It doesn't make them all perverts or cheats.

HettiC · 29/05/2018 22:16

I think you’re being very honest about how you feel. And that’s ok. It’s what you do now you realise that those feelings are a bit odd that matters. But don’t panic we’ve all thought silly things once in a while!!

VeganLass · 29/05/2018 22:17

To say all would be generalising, but I think many men would choose a younger woman if they could

Original poster
Violetshift · 29/05/2018 22:18

He is a nice guy on the whole and I am tainted by my ex.

He likes porn and thinks women are pretty. I just hate this.
He also wont lie for an easy life which I respect.
He won’t tell me his phone code though as he thinks I would check on him which he thinks isn’t nice. I thnk I possibly would in a weaker moment.

OP posts:
Dungeondragon15 · 29/05/2018 22:19

Yes but the thread was about a 19 yo female, you stated 'teenagers' in your post when people assume teenagers as children still as most are.

You might consider all teenagers to be children but that doesn't mean everyone else does. Obviously, 18 and 19 years old are adults but I know that DH (in his 50s) wouldn't fancy anyone that age.

Be more appropriate to say a 19 year old woman in this case as she is an adult whereby many teenagers are not.

So teenager is not appropriate but "female" is.Hmm

boywiththebrokensmile2 · 29/05/2018 22:23

Sorry but what is the problem with the term 'females'?? 1st time I ever have heard it being labelled as offensive.

Blaablaablaa · 29/05/2018 22:24

I liked porn (before I was fully aware of the issues) and I find girls pretty. It doesn't mean I love or fancy my DH any less. It's just human nature.

I'm usually all for sharing passcode etc but I think he's right in this instance.

He sounds like a nice guy. Try and get some help or you'll lose him.

I had an awful ex who destroyed my self esteem but I don't judge me lovely DH by his standards and I refuse to let his behaviour impact the rest of my Life.

RebelRogue · 29/05/2018 22:24

@Violetshift you are not broken,tainted whatever. It is not irreversible and you don't have to live your life by it.

What you have is a problem with trust and insecurity. Fair enough,a lot of us do. You admit you have a problem and that's a great first step. Now do something about it. The control you crave,take control of this issue,ask for help,talk about it,be kind to yourself.

Your partner can't fix this for you. He can't "prove you wrong" because there will always be something. He either is what you want or isn't. But you can't expect him to fully change who he is to alleviate fears that , if we're honest, will always escalate and multiply unless YOU do something about it.