To ask DD who she is messaging/calling?

[28thMay2018]

DD is just 18 and has been spending a lot of time online. She doesn't have many friends at college (well, not any close ones) and doesn't ever really message anyone.

Since being online a lot, she is all of a sudden glued to her phone. Pulls it really close to her face if anyone is sitting near her to stop them from seeing. Speaks really quietly if she's on the phone in the bathroom or bedroom, etc.

I've asked "oh, who's that" and she often looks at me funny and says "a friend" but I know full well she doesn't have any irl. She seems very fixated on these online friends and I'm slightly worried about the risks. When I have heard the phone calls, they seem a bit flirty and it definitely makes me uncomfortable.

Would it be wrong to ask her when she's on the phone or whatever?

She’s an adult and obviously finds it invasive.
Could you talk to her about your concerns instead of asking while she is on the phone, as that is less prying.

None of your business. She's an adult!

Go and find something to do and let her live her life.

Sorry, that sounded really harsh- but seriously, you sound way over-involved. I probably wouldn't tell you anything either.

Why shouldn't she be having flirty phone calls at the age of 18?! She's an adult!

If you have specific and justifiable reasons for concern you could try raising them with her without prying by asking who she is talking to - but if you just think you're entitled to know all the details about her life, you need to back off.

You can ask but she is 18 so doesn't have to tell you.

I'm swimming against the flow here but.... dies she normally speak to you and share information? It's kind of a red flag if her behaviour has changed recently. Have a look at Sophie's Choice?

Sorry - Chelsea's Choice

She used to be very close and tell me everything that was going on in her life. I don't expect her to do that, but things have changed dramatically. She is withdrawing more from the people in the real world and focusing on the fantasies online.

I thought flirty phonecalls were slightly odd when she doesn't know them in real life. It concerns me that she'll share intimate photos, etc. surely I'm allowed to be concerned over that?

She's also up at stupid oclock sneaking into the bathroom to call people when she has college the next day.

Why doesn't she have friends in 'real life' and how can you be so sure?)

Whats chelseas choice?

Agree with PP, how do you know she has no rl friends?

People shag people they find on the internet all the time. Your daughter is entitled to online date, make flirty phone calls, send naked photos, and do a whole myriad of things that have nothing to do with her mother.

Have you considered taking up quoits or something.

You have every right to be concerned, but absolutely NO right to pry.

The best thing you can do is just to say you hope she's being careful about what she shares with people - photos can come back to haunt you in the future, but that if she has any problems you will always be there for her.

She doesn't have any rl friends. She goes to college moans how she hates everyone and spends the rest of her time at home.

Are you sure they aren't people she has met at college?

Also, online doesn't mean fantasy - lots of people meet their best friends and / or romantic partners online. The internet connects people with common interests - it doesn't mean it's all lies!

You can of course be concerned about her sharing photographs if that's what you think is happening but it seems like a stretch to get there from some flirty phone calls. Also - had she met someone at college it would still be no guarantee that she wouldn't share photos of herself.

I think it's fine to talk to her about sex, consent, internet safety etc. That's all fine. But that isn't the same as asking for specific names of who she is talking to. She is an adult - she can make her own choices and character judgments etc. All you can do is give her the best framework possible for making those choices.

What’s wrong with having online friends?

She’s 18. She’s an adult. As hard as it is all you can really do is let her know you’re there if she needs you.

She's allowed to have a romantic interest. She's an adult.

I don't want her calling people at 3am in the bathroom, hearing them flirty. She doesn't just have her 18th birthday and nothing matters to me anymore. The thought of her sharing photos is awful. I do think that's happening, why else hide in the bathroom? She's become very very defensive about it all, if it wasn't an issue, she wouldn't be so defensive.

The thought of her sharing photos is awful.

That's her choice to make though. You can advise against, but have to get used to the idea that you can't forbid. It's not possible.

It's a drama for teens based on a real life case of child sexual exploitation @wizzywig. I'm not suggesting she is being groomed but some of the warning signs are there. The website has some ideas of what to do if you suspect this is happening to a friend or child.

Maybe she is defensive because her having flirty conversations as an adult makes you uncomfortable. I married someone I met online, so may be rather biased here.

It is all down to how you approach conversations. She is an adult now so you can remind her of sensible precautions you can put in place when talking to people you have met online, but you can’t demand or expect her to live according to things you feel comfortable with.