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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DD who she is messaging/calling?

103 replies

28thMay2018 · 28/05/2018 14:19

DD is just 18 and has been spending a lot of time online. She doesn't have many friends at college (well, not any close ones) and doesn't ever really message anyone.

Since being online a lot, she is all of a sudden glued to her phone. Pulls it really close to her face if anyone is sitting near her to stop them from seeing. Speaks really quietly if she's on the phone in the bathroom or bedroom, etc.

I've asked "oh, who's that" and she often looks at me funny and says "a friend" but I know full well she doesn't have any irl. She seems very fixated on these online friends and I'm slightly worried about the risks. When I have heard the phone calls, they seem a bit flirty and it definitely makes me uncomfortable.

Would it be wrong to ask her when she's on the phone or whatever?

OP posts:

FreudianSlurp · 28/05/2018 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 16:18

BitOutOfPractice

They are not saying she shouldn't be concerned. They are saying she sounds ludicrously over-involved. Her DD hasn't shown distress. Nothing has happened that is 'concerning' except that her DD is talking to someone. That's it.

Tiddlywinks63 · 28/05/2018 16:21

There's a difference between being concerned and snooping on your DD's conversations at 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm assuming that's the only time of the day or night when the DD hopes she can get some privacy.
Concern is being available to talk or support not monitoring everything your 18 year old DD does.
And that includes making assumptions that she has no friends; it could be she says that to stop the incessant questions.

FreudianSlurp · 28/05/2018 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/05/2018 16:26

Lol at those confusing concern and not butting our and letting her daughter have some privacy, as an adult.

Amatullah · 28/05/2018 16:26

I'm sorry but just because shes legally 18 everyone's saying let her Just send naked pics of her self if she wants (if that's the case). She many not be mentally ready just because shes passed a calender date. Op is her mum n knows her best and if she has concerns its rightly so. I think you need to have a conversation or provide some information regarding online relationships and remind her whats been sent out will stay out for ever. So if she is to be very careful regarding pics of herself. You have to be sensitive about the topic

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2018 16:26

And the op hasn't interfered. She's gone here for advice. And many PPs have said she's basically abusive for being concerned. Lots and lots of projecting going on

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 16:27

Amatullah

She knows herself best. If she is 18 and wants to send naked images of herself (although I can't see how the OP has inferred this and think it's weird) it is her right to do so. She should have known for years of the dangers of doing so, but she cannof she wants.

LilyMarie · 28/05/2018 17:06

She's could be filming feature length porn movies and joining online fetish/swinging sites and there is still very little you could do about it OP. Most likely she has met someone online that she likes and is getting to know them. Just try and have an open conversation with her where you listen and make sure you do not judge or scold her like a child as it will just make her even more secretive.

lhastingsmua · 28/05/2018 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Rozzzzzalmost35 · 28/05/2018 21:04

I can't believe how much you are being flamed for being concerned - she is only 18, still living at home and perhaps doesn't have much life experience. A chat about internet safety and to let her know you're there for her no matter what wouldn't go amiss. X

ReanimatedSGB · 29/05/2018 01:56

OP says she is 'uncomfortable' with her adult DD being 'flirty'. This suggests a nosy, prurient mum who can't leave her DD alone and can't cope with the idea of her DD being an adult who wants a sex life.

Smillassenseofsnow · 29/05/2018 02:05

Some rude woman on a train once got chatting with me and asked where I'd been, so I said visiting my boyfriend in X relatively close European country, and she put on a judgy face and expressed disgust and asked how on earth my mum could let me do that. I was 23 or 24 and had lived abroad on my own (in a different country) for months before that.

Thorsday · 29/05/2018 02:15

my god, I'm 24 and I'd be mortified if my mum was breathing down my neck at 18 about what I'm sending to people online. She's 18. Yes, she's young, but she's not a child who can't consent to things anymore - maybe just be glad she has somebody she wants to talk to? It's fucking hard being somebody with no friends in college when everybody else is out having fun. Now you're trying to dictate how she should communicate with the friend(s) she DOES have.

NameChangedForThisQ · 29/05/2018 02:19

It beggars belief how we infantilise young people these days. You are concerned about your 18 year old being flirty? Good grief!

HollyWoods8224 · 29/05/2018 02:53

YOU want to know who shes talking to,
YOU want to set hours when she can talk
YOU want to set where she can talk
YOU want to set the tone and nature of her conversation
YOU want to know what she says

SHE probably just wants some privacy, the more you ask the less she'll tell, she'll fight to hold on to any scrap of privacy she can get.

She doesn't just have an 18th birthday and change - you are right that change doesn't happen overnight, that change of her turning into an adult has been happening slowly for 18 years.

HeyOverHereYo · 29/05/2018 02:56

She's 18. Unless she's endangering someone else, it's her business.

RedDwarves · 29/05/2018 04:34

Stop eavesdropping on her conversations, FFS.

SilverOnToast · 29/05/2018 05:03

Someone goes online to ask online friends what to do about her DD chatting to online friends online. I’m struggling to see a difference here...

Monty27 · 29/05/2018 05:10

Being as you say DD had no RL friends and secrecy has been introduced after a previous close relationship with you, I would be concerned. Very concerned indeed.

Vivanne · 29/05/2018 06:57

Your going to have to let go a bit as she isnow adult. Just give her any advice she needs. I have a dd who just turned 18 so know how you feel but just be there for when she needs you as thats the best we can do.

TheGlitterFairy · 29/05/2018 07:09

My DM still behaves as the OP and I’m in my 30s! Admittedly I don’t need to have a 3am bathroom call with my DH but she’s forever wanting to know what I’m up to etc etc - v draining and not healthy.
Would suggest the OP asks if all is well to the DD and leave it open; if she wants to discuss, she then can do but isn’t being forced to defend herself.

AjasLipstick · 29/05/2018 08:23

Glitter even if you did, as long as you didn't wake anyone up, that's your choice!

My Mum barely knew where I was from about 16 onward. I had a key and lived my life! Went to work, sometimes stayed at a mates house....always phoned to let her know and she was happy/

TheGlitterFairy · 29/05/2018 08:29

Lipstick I quite agree which is why it’s not pandered to!!

Slartybartfast · 29/05/2018 08:32

of course you are concerned.
ask her op.
making phone calls in the bathroom is not normal.
does she share a bedroom?

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