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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DD who she is messaging/calling?

103 replies

28thMay2018 · 28/05/2018 14:19

DD is just 18 and has been spending a lot of time online. She doesn't have many friends at college (well, not any close ones) and doesn't ever really message anyone.

Since being online a lot, she is all of a sudden glued to her phone. Pulls it really close to her face if anyone is sitting near her to stop them from seeing. Speaks really quietly if she's on the phone in the bathroom or bedroom, etc.

I've asked "oh, who's that" and she often looks at me funny and says "a friend" but I know full well she doesn't have any irl. She seems very fixated on these online friends and I'm slightly worried about the risks. When I have heard the phone calls, they seem a bit flirty and it definitely makes me uncomfortable.

Would it be wrong to ask her when she's on the phone or whatever?

OP posts:
sprinklesandsauce · 28/05/2018 14:49

She may be an adult, but I am pretty sure that most parents don't suddenly stop caring about their DC when they turn 18! It is only natural to be worried about your child, even if she is an adult now.

She may have formed a relationship online, you do need to respect her privacy, but you could also try and talk nicely to her about it, and stress that you are only concerned for her welfare. You could also discuss photos and the fact that once they are sent to somebody else, she has no control where they will end up or how many people will see them.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/05/2018 14:50

Also going against the grain here. Yes, she may be 18. However, this behaviour could be of concern. Young adults can be heavily influenced by people they meet online and hopefully this is someone genuine. Dhs cousins ds is/was (not sure) crazy in love with a girl he met online gaming. The love wasn’t reciprocated and the level of infatuation became quite disturbing. Not saying this is happening here. Young people and particularly young women are also vulnerable from sexual predators.

Is your dd good at keeping herself safe? How much experience of friendship does your dd have?

wictional · 28/05/2018 14:53

Why does she have to ‘sneak into the bathroom’ to make a call? Confused

o0o0 · 28/05/2018 14:56

The exact question I wanted to ask @wictional

Caaarrrl · 28/05/2018 15:01

Yes wictional and o0o0 same question went through my mind. Why does she need to sneak into the bathroom OP?

mirialis · 28/05/2018 15:02

If she won't confide in you I'd try to find someone else whom she might do so in - this whole "she's 18, she's an adult" stuff is nonsense. She's your child, she's living in your home, her behaviour has changed and she is increasingly withdrawing from people in real life. Of course you are concerned and of course you should do everything you can to make sure she's ok, even if it turns out it's something you simply don't like but isn't harmful and have to step back and let her get on with making her own mistakes... you need to make sure she's actually ok first!

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2018 15:03

Does she share a bedroom?

Original poster
28thMay2018 · 28/05/2018 15:04

Because I think she's sending images at the same time and wants to lock the door to do so. This is what's going through my mind and that's why I'm concerned.

OP posts:
Original poster
28thMay2018 · 28/05/2018 15:04

No, she has her own room.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 28/05/2018 15:08

All you can do is talk to her about the dangers online and leave her to it and stop prying she will clam up more, she has obviously met somebody and online dating/flirting she won't be the first to be online at 3 am. No you don't stop caring once they hit 18 but she isn't a little girl anymore.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 15:08

Bloody hell, OP. Back off. She's an adult. I'm assuming she doesn't have severe SN? She can send someone pictures if she wants and 'flirty calls'? Hmm

ReanimatedSGB · 28/05/2018 15:10

You sound very nosy and reluctant to give your DD any independence. She has every right to a sex life, and you need to learn to keep your beak out.

pigeondujour · 28/05/2018 15:11

Jesus, asking someone who they're texting is impossibly irritating and rude behaviour. No wonder she doesn't want to tell you stuff. Back off.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/05/2018 15:11

In the nicest possible way, it’s none of your business. Leave her alone. I would be “close” with my mum but really she was over invested and I couldn’t do anything without her wanting to know. I was quite lonely (mother issues caused that, not saying you are like that though) and spent a lot of time online, I still do because I don’t have any friends near me, I have one who lives quite far from me, my mum always wanted to know what was going on and couldn’t take a hint to fuck off. I just kept more things from her and went even deeper into being online (not necessarily talking to anyone) and became very secluded. Just back off a bit and stop asking what she is at. If she wants you to know she will tell you. She is 18, not 15.

withsexypantsandasausagedog · 28/05/2018 15:12

Why do her flirty phone calls make you uncomfortable? She is an adult.

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2018 15:13

So if she's in her own room you can just go in?

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/05/2018 15:14

She deserves a lock for her bedroom fs. Give her some privacy. I never had that and it’s awful. If she is fortunate enough to have her own room she should have her own lock.

ravenmum · 28/05/2018 15:14

Do you go in her bedroom without knocking and waiting for her to say if you can come in?

I wonder if she feels a bit like you are breathing down her neck? My son is the same age and very private about relationships. He tells me what he wants to tell me, not a great deal. If I tried listening in on his conversations or pressuring him to say who he was talking to he'd clam up even more. But he's OK with talking generally about the dangers of online dating etc. (Usefully, I met a couple of partners myself that way, so I can discuss it in the context of my own experiences.)

I'd be careful about putting pressure on her, it will probably have the opposite effect to the one you want.

Fadingmemory · 28/05/2018 15:17

You can ask of course but it is up to your adult daughter whether or not she replies. If she refuses, you have shown your interest/concern but there is nothing more you can do. If you persist, she may resent it/ become even less inclined to tell you anything.

Violetparis · 28/05/2018 15:21

I think some of the responses you are getting on here OP are really harsh. I too would be concerned and I think some 18 year olds aren't as mature or streetwise as others so do still need guidance.

AjasLipstick · 28/05/2018 15:23

Oh God OP...she's probably met a boy at college! You do realise it's not normal for her to tell you everything?

robotcartrainhat · 28/05/2018 15:23

shes 18... I mean you can ask her but she doesnt have to answer you does she? And the more angry/persistent you are about it the more you risk pushing her away and never finding out.
Its probably a potential boyfriend... and maybe it will go badly, but thats her road isnt it. I know you dont just stop caring at 18 but at 18 the thing is she will do whatever she wants and is under no obligation to tell you anything... so its best not to go in all guns blazing as you risk alienating her entirely which puts her more at risk.
Just let her get on with it. Be there if/when she needs to talk to you.

Tiddlywinks63 · 28/05/2018 15:25

Good grief op, give the poor girl some space!

You sound overly invested in her privacy and unhealthily dependant on her for goodness sake. If my DD thought I was spying listening in on private conversations she'd go ballistic, and rightly so.
You'll drive her away if you carry on like this.

ggirl · 28/05/2018 15:25

Posters telling OP to mind her own business...she is her mother , she has a right to be concerned and she has posted for advice.
No one here knows how mature her dd is..she could be a vulnerable 18yr old who has no experience and OP is rightly concerned about being worried about her being preyed on.

I hope she's just met someone nice online OP and it's not some sleaze ball taking advantage of her.

I do know that there is no use asking her , she has a right to privacy..I would make sure she knows about online safety and knowing who she is chatting to with regards to meeting in real life etc.

MrsJayy · 28/05/2018 15:25

I dont disagree violetparis but you need to handle it better and not pry and back off or they are like starled deer and retreat,

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