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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask DD who she is messaging/calling?

103 replies

28thMay2018 · 28/05/2018 14:19

DD is just 18 and has been spending a lot of time online. She doesn't have many friends at college (well, not any close ones) and doesn't ever really message anyone.

Since being online a lot, she is all of a sudden glued to her phone. Pulls it really close to her face if anyone is sitting near her to stop them from seeing. Speaks really quietly if she's on the phone in the bathroom or bedroom, etc.

I've asked "oh, who's that" and she often looks at me funny and says "a friend" but I know full well she doesn't have any irl. She seems very fixated on these online friends and I'm slightly worried about the risks. When I have heard the phone calls, they seem a bit flirty and it definitely makes me uncomfortable.

Would it be wrong to ask her when she's on the phone or whatever?

OP posts:
Gottokondo · 28/05/2018 15:25

Did you forget how you were at 18? Or was the first time that you spoke to a boy when you were in your thirties? You're being ridiculous, let the girl have a private life. She knows about the dangers of sharing info and pictures, now let her loose.

SlothMama · 28/05/2018 15:27

She's 18, she's an adult! You need to cut the apron strings at some point.

Gottokondo · 28/05/2018 15:29

Ggirl^
^
I do know that there is no use asking her , she has a right to privacy..I would make sure she knows about online safety and knowing who she is chatting to with regards to meeting in real life etc.

The time to educate them about this is as a young teen, not after they have turned adults. If the mum didn't tell her about the birds and the bees and the internet then she has not done her duty to her child. Now she is just interfering.

Ceebs85 · 28/05/2018 15:34

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP. She might be technically an adult but she's still your daughter and a teenager. What would the responses be if she was 17 and still a child?

How does she respond if you ask? Is she street smart? Understand the risks of meeting people she's met online etc?
Maybe just have a chat about how you're happy she's met someone but ask her to keep you informed when and where she's meeting him/her etc

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 15:39

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time OP. She might be technically an adult but she's still your daughter and a teenager. What would the responses be if she was 17 and still a child?

But she's not. When we turn 18 our parents no longer have the right to insist that we disclose information to them. A good parent will have prepared for this moment by making sure their child already knows how to look after themselves online, and there will be no need to demand that they don't have private conversations.

mookinsx · 28/05/2018 15:43

I met dp online when I was 16 - moved in with him at 17. 19 now and still together. But we had months of talking before we met

Ceebs85 · 28/05/2018 15:47

I didn't say she had the right to insist but if they've always had a good relationship surely it's normal to be interested in who she's seeing. Being so secretive would worry me too as a parent.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 15:48

Ceebs85

This doesn't sound interested, it sounds intrusive and disapproving.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2018 15:50

It never ceases to amaze me how everyone on mn thinks that parents should immediately stop showing any interest /offering any support to their dc the moment they turn 18

January87 · 28/05/2018 15:52

I met my husband online and most of my friends, some who I've met and some who I haven't yet, I've made online too.

Nothing wrong with having friends from the internet!

Your daughter is an adult and if she is flirting with someone on the phone and/or sending them pictures, that's her business not yours. I'd just tell her if she's meeting anyone to let you or someone she knows and can trust know where she'll be.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 15:53

BitOutOfPractice

Who said that?

lamerde · 28/05/2018 15:53

OP, the problem when you ask on MN is that you will get a cats chorus of “But she’s an adult!! leave her alone!!”

As if you just immediately stop worrying because she’s turned 18 Confused

The way you’ve described her makes her sound quite vulnerable. Is this the case? Is she a young 18 and a bit naive?

Speak to her honestly and frankly. I’d be worried too and I think if you’re open with her then she might give you some indication of who she she’s speaking with.

kateandme · 28/05/2018 16:00

it doesn't matter if she is a child unfer 18 she her daughter and that concern over their welfare never ever goes.so this op is noticing things being off and is rightly or wrongly thinking something going on but she is ok to be concerned about it and just being a mum.
op if your worried that only thing you can do is talk to her.literally lay it all out flat to her.calmy not judgy or telling her not to but saying that you worried about her being online.that you need her to be aware of the dangers online and that you are worrying about that for her.that she can come to you with anything,tell you anything and that it works both ways so you needed to come to her with how your feeling to on this.then either way there is no sneaking,youve told her you point.you voiced the dangers and concerns ut its out in the open then instead of boiling under the surface.she is the age now where you need to be able to talk to her as an adult.that is being open

kateandme · 28/05/2018 16:02

also try not to worry.it sounds like you are and that because you know her best so that gut mum feeling kicks in.
but it could be something has suddenly changed.she might even have innocently made a host of friends even a man/woman online.she then might flirt or be up all hours with them.it could be nothing.she might have finally found her people.
but it might not.only one way to find out and that is asking her.

Ledkr · 28/05/2018 16:02

How about being truthful and saying you feel a bit worried abc why and see if she can reassure you.
I used to say to my lads "should I be worried?" I know they could have still lied but they usually told me enough to reassure me.
My16 year old dd is fairly honest with me and it's often tough to hear but at least she tells me.
I'd have a light hearted non judgey chat with her.

Ledkr · 28/05/2018 16:04

Lol too at people suggesting once they are 18 you have no business being concerned.
Only on mumsnet Grin

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/05/2018 16:05

ggirl Telling someone to mind their own isn’t the same as saying don’t be concerned. Is that not obvious? You can be concerned while butting out.

lifechangesforever · 28/05/2018 16:06

I think you have a very old fashioned view on online dating. It's quite normal these days.. I met DH online, we've been together 7 years, married 5 and have our first child due in 7 weeks.

It's not all about the sex.. but even if it is in this case, she's 18, she can do what she wants.

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 16:06

It isn't at all that she has no business being concerned. It is that once a child isn't a child, they don't have to accept your concern. You have to balance concern with their right to a private life, or you are overstepping and not respecting them. They're likely to tell you to jog on.

MrMeSeeks · 28/05/2018 16:09

Maybe she goes in the bathroom because its the only place she can get any privacy?
Shes ‘flirty’ on these calls? So what?
She’s an adult!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/05/2018 16:09

Ledkr Has anyone actually said that?

MrMeSeeks · 28/05/2018 16:10

I remember going to the bathroom to talk to my bf, cz my family wouldnt leave me alone Blush

MrsLaurac · 28/05/2018 16:12

I met my husband online and some of my very best friends. Online isn't necessarily bad she may be using it asda fresh start to meet new people that she doesn't see in day in day out at college. I was a little like you describe real home girl not many friends and it was my way too.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/05/2018 16:13

@Pengggwn erm, I dunno, maybe all the people saying

It's none of your business

You sound controlling

Butt out you sound like my controlling mother.

Maybe it's those sort of comments that have lead me to that conclusion. Possibly.

MrsLaurac · 28/05/2018 16:15

*as a

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