Re punishment for not tidying Lego away

[GoodAfternoonSeattle]

My three year old daughter clearly sees me as a total pushover. She’s generally pretty well behaved anyway but if she does play up she simply doesn’t take me seriously if I tell her off, threaten punishment etc.

I will hold my hands up. This is because I’m not great at seeing through a punishment. It’s also because I feel mean doing it and she senses weakness.

But the time has come that I need to be a little harder. She’s getting older and I’m worried that when she’s in school etc and she misbehaves and it really matters, she won’t take me seriously and I won’t have any control over her. But the truth is I don’t really know what I’m doing.

So this morning she emptied her beloved Lego set all over the floor of the living room, after I told her not to. It was everywhere. I have a crawling baby. We were just getting ready to leave the house. I asked her to pick it up. She refused. I asked her again. She refused and said “you do it”. I said no, it’s your Lego and if you don’t pick it up the bits will go missing” “you pick it up Mummy”. Etc.

So I told her if she didn’t pick it up, I would take it away for today and she could have it back tomorrow. It had previously been agreed that she would sit and play Lego with DH tonight after her bath when he gets home from work (she loves this, as does DH) but the plan is that this will not be happening now. She isn’t bothered at the moment (“fine then”) but she will be tonight.

I mean is this ridiculous? Will she actually make the connection about this morning? I just don’t know how to do this.

Reading some of the sappy, wishy washy posts on here, it's no wonder behaviour of kids seems to have gone down the pan and teachers are struggling.

A three year old is a baby. A three year old is incapable of remembering something that happened that morning. They can't understand rules or consequences. Can't possibly pick a box of Lego up. People feel sad for the kid, having a mother that wants to discourage toys being thrown everywhere just before leaving the house

Fucking hell, people are nuts.

My dd is 3 next month and she can certainly understand consequences! Her and ds take it in turns to have a certain bowl they were fighting over. Every morning she knows if it's 'her day' or ds's. She also knows that if she does something wrong there will be consequences. I generally use lots of the things mentioned on here, lots of notice things are going to happen, countdowns, making things a game, lots of positivity etc, but when I say that something needs to be done or must not be done then that's that. If for no other reason than the next time might be me saying 'stop!' as they're about to do something dangerous. I think taking lego away for deliberately spilling it out when she wasn't allowed and then refusing to tidy it up when you asked is perfectly reasonable.

I hope you're not too down hearted by this thread op. Toddlers are hard.

Thank you

Three year olds are very capable. People who see them as babies totally underestimate them.

I completely agree, Crunchy. As I said, my three year old is smarter than I am most of the time. I wish I was kidding.

She’s most definitely not a baby but I must admit that since DD2 came along I’ve been wondering if I maybe expect too much from DD1, treat her older than she really is.

Follow through OP, she's not a baby, she did it deliberately and your expectations aren't too high.

All these posters saying make a game of it...you haven't got other children waiting to go out who will then start playing up because you've rewarded the throwing of lego with all your attention? You're not about to miss the bus doing this? You haven't got someone waiting who you've promised to meet? You're not packing bags and packed lunches and suncream and spare clothes while this lego business is going on? No, ok then, go ahead and pick up the red pieces.

My problem will all this is the concept of punishing a child full stop. Its just not at all necessary and quite damaging actually.

I read a great book that talks about why and alternatives - The Evolved Parent by Dr Aurora Jones. www.theevolvedmind.com.au

Robin Grille (Parenting for a Peaceful World) is good too - talks about the problems with punishment/discipline.

OP you and your daughter sound lovely, don't risk your relationship with her by feeling like you have to be harsh with her to 'teach her a lesson'.

It's a consequence not a punishment.

Life is full of them. And it's healthy for even young children to learn this. Otherwise they are going to have it REALLY tough when they get to school.

She'll not be damaged by it. Just hopefully begin learn to take responsibility for her own things.

My head hurts.

@offredkicksass consequences aren't punishment. A lot of them can be natural consequences too for example you broke the toy,tough! It's in the bin and not getting another one.

I've seen what happens to kids that get babied/spoiled/not given consequences at all or the parents to and backtrack.

Had a kid(8) tantrum and cry and shout at him for asking him to wait his turn. When that didn't work he raised his hand at me on Friday for not helping him quick enough. Then wailing and screaming and shouting "I hate you!" Because he had to miss play. Oh and after play we did the activity and he had some 1 to 1 attention and help because I'm not a dick. Once finished he threw it in the bin because it was rubbish. Meh..no sympathy.

I bloody hate the 'natural consequence' theory. Its just nastiness wrapped up as something nice! Well its not nice at all.

if your husband or friend ran out of petrol on the motorway would you just say, 'tough, sort it yourself,' because its the 'natural consequence' of them not checking their gauge?

This parenting trend to use natural consequences is just an excuse to be a dick to our kids in my view. Gross. Just help them.

rebelrogue I don't know if the 8 year old you are referring to is your kid or someone elses but either way, what a horrid way to talk about a child who was clearly struggling with something. Kids are challenging, messy, have loud emotions, etc. They are supposed to be. Just help them.

Not a good analogy.

No one is suggesting asking children to do things they are not capable of. Or learn to be capable of.

Realising that your actions have consequences is crucial to developing decent mindful human beings.

It is HELPING them. Not punishing them.

for example you broke the toy,tough! It's in the bin and not getting another one

How do you think your kid sees you if you have that attitude? if my kid broke their toy id sympathise and help them work out ways to replace it. Why wouldn't you? Haven't you ever broken something and been sad about it? wouldn't you think the people that love you would sympathise and work out ways to get a replacement?

Sorry I had 30 of them including a few with SEN and other issues. Kids that actually understood that there is one of me and a lot of them and i can only thread a needle one at a time. Yes there was whinging and moaning and miiiiis and I'm sure they grumbled behind my back(and I don't blame them) but most of them got the fact that there is a line and they have to wait.

And in case you missed it, I did help him ,he just wasn't happy with the result so he binned it. As a natural consequence he didn't have one to take home because there wasn't enough time to make a new one.

id sympathise and help them work out ways to replace it.

If it's an accident,sure. If it's because she banged it on the floor or threw it across the room or whatever(after being warned not to) ,nope.

Realising that your actions have consequences is crucial to developing decent mindful human beings.

They become decent mindful human beings by having that modelled for them.

I used to also say put this stuff away as I’m hoovering in a minute and what doesn’t get put away will go up the hoover.
However my house is rarely tidy so prob best not ask me.

If it's an accident,sure. If it's because she banged it on the floor or threw it across the room or whatever(after being warned not to) ,nope.

but if its not an accident the kid did it for a reason. they were upset about something. that matters! they need help.

Sorry I had 30 of them including a few with SEN and other issues
Well then you are a bloody saint! obviously I'm talking about the ideal - one on one - but yeah you can't be as mindful when you have that many kids to deal with, sadly it becomes crowd control.

I'm no saint but I do know kids. And I know that some act out because of SEN,anxiety,feeling inadequate,shit home life,anger/behaviour issues,stubbornness( it's frustrating and amusing at the same time) and some simply because they're never told no and have no consequences.

The ones that throw their bags/coats/fleeces on the floor ,that never help with tidying up,that leave their books everywhere (and are appalled that you expect them to pick after themselves), the ones that will pick something belonging to somebody else because they want/need it, the ones that cry and tantrum and look under their arms to see if you're watching, the ones that are stalling,the ones that expect you to carry their things for them just because.