Re punishment for not tidying Lego away

[GoodAfternoonSeattle]

My three year old daughter clearly sees me as a total pushover. She’s generally pretty well behaved anyway but if she does play up she simply doesn’t take me seriously if I tell her off, threaten punishment etc.

I will hold my hands up. This is because I’m not great at seeing through a punishment. It’s also because I feel mean doing it and she senses weakness.

But the time has come that I need to be a little harder. She’s getting older and I’m worried that when she’s in school etc and she misbehaves and it really matters, she won’t take me seriously and I won’t have any control over her. But the truth is I don’t really know what I’m doing.

So this morning she emptied her beloved Lego set all over the floor of the living room, after I told her not to. It was everywhere. I have a crawling baby. We were just getting ready to leave the house. I asked her to pick it up. She refused. I asked her again. She refused and said “you do it”. I said no, it’s your Lego and if you don’t pick it up the bits will go missing” “you pick it up Mummy”. Etc.

So I told her if she didn’t pick it up, I would take it away for today and she could have it back tomorrow. It had previously been agreed that she would sit and play Lego with DH tonight after her bath when he gets home from work (she loves this, as does DH) but the plan is that this will not be happening now. She isn’t bothered at the moment (“fine then”) but she will be tonight.

I mean is this ridiculous? Will she actually make the connection about this morning? I just don’t know how to do this.

OP at DD nursery they have 4 golden rules - helping hands, walking feet, kind words, listening ears.

Obviously the children forget and need to be prompted but this seems to basically work. So if you frame it as "need to use listening ears now" and " need to help Mummy tidy away" that might help?

Also obviously she needs to listen. My house is a loving, nurturing space with clear rules and boundaries to help meet everyone's needs. It is not a bloody democracy.

Make it specific - tidy up the Lego when there's a veritable ocean of it all over the floor can seem like an insurmountable task and avoidance time out of the eyeballs when you're only 3. Break it down into "can you put 10 pieces of Lego in the box" or "how much can you get in the box while this song plays" and it suddenly becomes much more attainable for them and you actually get the tidying up done rather than it developing into a stand off.

I find the using a song as a time limit trick works really well with loads of stuff to be honest - was suggested to me by the OT for DD2's trying to get dressed ready for school.

And get one of these www.wilko.com/wilko-blox-drawstring-playmat-carry-bag/invt/0438411 or something similar (threading a drawstring around an old fitted sheet would probably work) - to make it easier for future days.

I can’t speak for anyone else but don’t think it’s sad she was asked to pick up LEGO but the way the OP dramatizes it and talks about punishment.

What's the point of being asked to do something if there's no consequence to refusing though? Consequences is a better word than punishment, but you're still being awfully sensitive to find the OP's approach 'so sad'

This is presumably a well loved, well provided for little girl who's being asked to tidy up after herself. Save your sadness for actual deserving cases.

I don't see anything particularly dramatic about how the OP has presented it, so don't get that part of your point at all.

I think it's very much dependent on the child isn't it?

I think you have a point there. DD reacted magically to one very mild consequence at the age of 2 (can't remember exactly, may not even have turned 2). Completely turned around a very long standing bad behaviour. So naturally I think a 3 yr old should be able to grasp it. Perhaps I wouldn't be saying that if I'd only had DS!

Agree with having more immediate consequences and making it a game. But we see our household as a team, my 3 yo is part of it- so he needs to help out with basic tidying.

I'm meaner than you. DD tried to pull that stunt. The rule is if it's on the floor and shouldn't be there it goes in the bin. She has one warning of " i'm going to sweep the floor in 5 minutes, anything on the floor goes." She only ignored it once.

I’m having similar issues my my DS who is the same age, spoke to my health visitor about it and she said to make the punishment quick and instant, so no saying you won’t get this of that later on but sometimes this isn’t always possible so I’m going to start putting him in a time out and see how that works too

Ok. A range of views. Some nicer than others to read.

She’s a very much loved little girl. I just want to do the right thing by her.

Can do a number on you, AIBU, can’t it? I feel suitably chastised. She was so good all day that she got her Lego back. I told her that. She remembered why she had lost it.

People have massively overreacted here op. A lot . Sounds like it turned out just fine. Well done you! And fwiw I'm willing to bet you're doing a great job of encouraging good behaviour in your dd by the sounds of it.

My 3 and a half year old and my nearly 2 year old know how to tidy up after themselves.

I just do the “If it’s not picked up by then time I do the dishes then it’s going in the bin.”

I don’t usually have to ask more than once but in the occasion when they’re tired and arsey then the bin threat works. They have other chores to do to!

I’m genuinely not understanding how people can say “she won’t remember”. She’s bloody smarter than I am! She remembers fine.

But she’s so cheeky at times, and talks back and basically rules the roost. What am I supposed to do, let her? She’ll be at school next August.

I mean don’t any of you ever just get to the end of your rope? Forget the perfect parenting routine and just say for gods sake pick up the damn Lego? Get into your bed?

I can’t be the only one who finds it hard.

@GoodAfternoonSeattle ofc they do.
Something I remembered from your first post. You said you don't know how to punish. I know it sounds namby pamby but it's not about punishment it's about consequences.
For example for the lego,like i said i sweep the floors,if it's on the floor it goes in the dust pan and then the bin. It's not a punishment,it's what happens when stuff is on the floor.
She's being rude , you don't talk/respond to that and explain why. Tell her when she talks nicely you will.
She refuses x,y,z ...depending how necessary the things coming after are...take her out in her pj's,cancel plans, take her to the car when it's 0 degrees cause she won't bloody put anything else on, breaks toys by doing something on purpose toy in the bin and not replaced, hurts you doing play,you're not playing anymore etc.
For most things kids do,there is a natural consequence that can be applied.

It’s frustrating and tiring as hell, but you have to pick up on every little thing. I think a more immediate punishment was in order, tho. I would have cleared it then put it out of reach and told her she wasn’t having it, much more impactful than saying she can’t have it tonight.

What about jumping on her bed instead of going to sleep? Can someone tell me what the natural consequence of that is because this is my life right now.

Because I can’t think of an immediate consequence

Remove the mattress

Well it depends , for example if DD is dicking about,lights off,door shut ,ignore and knock yourself out. Eventually she gets bored and falls asleep. And next day i fill it with "i told you so" every time she moans she's tired. I'm really not a nice parent.

Does she have a blackout blind in her room? Can she see lights out and hear other kids playing so it's not bedtime yet?

I’d love to walk off and ignore her but she will just open her door and wander around, wake the baby. She won’t stay in bed. I have walked her back to bed 75 times in one night. It is a game to her.

She is very well behaved but some nights becomes fucking Damien at bedtime.

It’s dark in her room, no kids out playing.

I take it you've already done stories?

I agree with rebel, close door and let her get on with it.

Four stories, yes.

She's only 3, take it slowly. Tidy it up together until she is ready to do it alone

Annoying I know, but you could stand sentry at the door to stop her leaving her room. Until she gets bored and falls asleep.

@GoodAfternoonSeattle what does she want? Attention? You in the room with her? Play? Stay up longer because she's not tired?

Sometimes immediate consequences don't work due to their actions or because of a schedule/appointment, time of day ,whatever. It's fine to give a next day consequence as long as you stick to it. So.. no going to the park tomorrow. When she asks you remind her " I told you last night that if you didn't go to sleep we wouldn't go. You didn't listen so we're not going" or "mummy is too tired because you didn't sleep last night so now we can't go to the park."

Be firm but fair and most importantly consistent. Don't backtrack and don't give consequences you're not able to see through.

@GoodAfternoonSeattle your bedtimes sound just as joyful as mine, I have a 4 year old and 2 year old sharing bunk beds and love to run around, climb, jump, laugh, wind each other up. One thing that's helped recently is playing a story cd in their room, they've always had that but I've recently got some longer ones and they do like listening to that and taking books into bed with them.