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Original poster

Re punishment for not tidying Lego away

143 replies

GoodAfternoonSeattle · 28/05/2018 11:27

My three year old daughter clearly sees me as a total pushover. She’s generally pretty well behaved anyway but if she does play up she simply doesn’t take me seriously if I tell her off, threaten punishment etc.

I will hold my hands up. This is because I’m not great at seeing through a punishment. It’s also because I feel mean doing it and she senses weakness.

But the time has come that I need to be a little harder. She’s getting older and I’m worried that when she’s in school etc and she misbehaves and it really matters, she won’t take me seriously and I won’t have any control over her. But the truth is I don’t really know what I’m doing.

So this morning she emptied her beloved Lego set all over the floor of the living room, after I told her not to. It was everywhere. I have a crawling baby. We were just getting ready to leave the house. I asked her to pick it up. She refused. I asked her again. She refused and said “you do it”. I said no, it’s your Lego and if you don’t pick it up the bits will go missing” “you pick it up Mummy”. Etc.

So I told her if she didn’t pick it up, I would take it away for today and she could have it back tomorrow. It had previously been agreed that she would sit and play Lego with DH tonight after her bath when he gets home from work (she loves this, as does DH) but the plan is that this will not be happening now. She isn’t bothered at the moment (“fine then”) but she will be tonight.

I mean is this ridiculous? Will she actually make the connection about this morning? I just don’t know how to do this.

OP posts:
Candlelight123 · 28/05/2018 12:06

I find sometimes if they've been very involved in playing and created a big mess with lots of stuff out, it gets very overwhelming for them to tidy it, so you may need to step in and 'help' her do it. You could say I'll do this half and you do that half, see who can finish quickest.

elQuintoConyo · 28/05/2018 12:06

Swoop mat

Re punishment for not tidying Lego away
llangennith · 28/05/2018 12:08

She’s overwhelmed at the thought of picking up a whole box of Lego! Can you not understand that?
We tidy up playthings together, including Lego. Tipping the whole box of Lego on the floor is not a good thing. She probably got frustrated waiting to go out as you probably spent a great deal of time getting your baby ready and she wanted your attention. Can’t you play with her when baby has a nap?

0hCrepe · 28/05/2018 12:09

I think it’s ok to backtrack and say let’s go this together now so you can play later with daddy.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 28/05/2018 12:10

Agree with most of the ideas above (make it a game/help her/make consequences immediate and relevant). But from your OP, I would caution you against not sticking with your word.
If you regularly say something and backtrack on it then your child learns not to trust you, or that shouting/screaming/bad behaviour WORKS if they keep at it long enough.

A good parenting lesson (I think) is to be very careful about saying 'no' (are you saying "no" because you can't be bothered, which you'll then feel guilty for and turn into a 'yes'?) and sticking to it 99% of the time. They'll always be exceptions, but when "no" actually means "not right now, but soon" then you're actually teaching your child to keep wheedling/crying/tantruming.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 28/05/2018 12:10

What VelvetBee said, word for word.

The time lag here between act and 'punishment' is much too long. Also I am a bit concerned about the tone of your OP - it's as if you feel she's seeking to defy and outwit you. Parenting shouldn't be a power struggle, certainly not with a child as young as this.

With me this would have gone something like this: 'Sweetheart, we need to leave in a moment and I'd like the Lego to be tidy first. You pick up the red and yellow ones and I'll do the green and blue.' If she'd refused and we'd needed to leave, it would be pretty much the first agenda item when we got home and if she'd asked for a book/TV/whatever, I'd have said 'We need to do the Lego first'. Weathered any tantrum. Then, once she was calm, a big cuddle and 'Shall we do the Lego now?' In most instances, barring SN etc, that would work. And tantrums are OK. They are an expression of frustration overload and need to be given their space. We all attempt to control our environment and get things to happen in the way most advantageous to us. It's not wrong, it's natural, and it's natural for a young child to struggle to cope with the frustration that a lack of success in that endeavour brings.

confusedlittleone · 28/05/2018 12:13

Is she 3 closer to 2 or 3 closer to 4?

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/05/2018 12:14

She’s getting older and I’m worried that when she’s in school etc and she misbehaves and it really matters, she won’t take me seriously and I won’t have any control over her. That's a reasonable fear, but the control comes from her feeling that you're "on her side", so that she wants to please you, rather from her wanting to avoid punishment. Agree with what people are saying about "consequences" rather than punishment. Talking to my now adult DC, it's very clear that what I felt were merely putting things right without any punishment element were felt by them as punishment, and had the desired effect.

YearOfYouRemember · 28/05/2018 12:15

Given she's old enough to have attitude and be cheeky I think she's old enough to learn consequences.

Kids need and want boundaries.

Text your dh so he's on the same page and follow through. It will boost your confidence and she'll learn.

offredkicksass · 28/05/2018 12:15

jeez just pick up her lego, help her out. shes only 3. this makes me so sad.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 28/05/2018 12:17

What you did was totally fine. She’s 3, PLENTY old enough to remember choosing not to do as she was asked this morning. The consequence of wilfully tipping it on the floor & not tidying it up when her Mummy asked, is not being allowed to play with it tonight with Daddy. I’m even tougher because ‘play time with Daddy’ would be cancelled, so she doesn’t feel that it doesn’t matter.

You are right to knock this ‘No you do it’ & ‘No’ on the head while she’s small. You’re telling, not asking, her to do something & ‘No’ isn’t an acceptable reply.

firehousedog · 28/05/2018 12:17

I think 3 yr olds is harsh for a punishment. They simply don't understand wrong from right at that age. My 12 yr old dd on the other hand....

AnnieAnoniMouser · 28/05/2018 12:20

this makes me so sad

Then you need to get a grip.

It’s no bloody wonder kids have the attitudes they have once they get to school. PARENT them for godsake.

dailymailsucksbigtime · 28/05/2018 12:21

I would lock her under the stairs for at least 7 days.

Punishment is a harsh word and not one that many parents be comfortable using. Were you punished as a child? Have you been to parenting classes, they might help?

Make tidying up fun, put the lego out of a sheet or get the sort of mat/bag suggested above- very cheap from amazon.

You can start to develop rewards and consequences- but rewards need to far outweigh any consequences.

catkind · 28/05/2018 12:21

Natural consequences involve ‘No I can’t play/make lunch because we need to tidy the Lego.’
Or "no we can't get the Lego just before bedtime because last time it was out you made a mess and refused to clear up"? Sounds pretty natural consequence to me. Then the next time you do get it out you remind her that she can get it out but she will have to tidy it up after. And she remembers not being allowed the previous day and knows you mean it.

I much prefer this to time out/time in type of consequences where you end up fighting the child over something completely unrelated to what they did wrong.

liquidrevolution · 28/05/2018 12:23

Tee and mo tidy up song on YouTube or CBeebies. I usually start the singing and tidying then DD finishes.

Works a treat with my nearly 4 year old.

BeyondThePage · 28/05/2018 12:23

I think it is plain mean for you to punish her by taking away her fun time with her dad. You get to take away fun time with YOU - not with someone else.

Why does dad have to put up with the consequences? why not deal with the problem that you have with her on your time?

Confusedbeetle · 28/05/2018 12:28

Cloud captain I agree entirely. This is the only way to get a three-year-old into the habit of tidying toys. Never threaten to take it away. The expectation that it is going to happen, that it can be a good game and that we always do it. Consistency and kindness. The child is three. Any consequence must be at the time of the action, Not later. He psychology is much simpler, she does not need to be told the baby might get it. Just the game is over and now we tidy up. Help her do the righjt thing by making it easier than doing the wrong thing

catkind · 28/05/2018 12:30

Because mum and dad are a team beyondthepage? Mum says no more Lego today but dad will let me is a really bad lesson to learn. They can still have fun time, they'll just need to play something else.

offredkicksass · 28/05/2018 12:42

annie Wow you really like to control little kids hey. Far-out.

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 28/05/2018 12:42

I think it's very much dependent on the child isn't it?

That wouldn't have worked with DS1 at that age - he very much lived in the moment, and would just forget he ever had lego, or hands, or that he normally did this after bath, or that he'd been bad this morning - consequences are just pointless (still are), what works with him is routine. Punishments similarly were pointless, because he just forgot why he was not allowed to do something, and did something else instead.

DS2 however, is very much aware of consequences and has been for a while. Consequences need to be enforced with him, although generally only once, and these days not even that (he's 4) - he doesn't ever need punishing, because the knowledge of him doing something, that he knows he shouldn't have, and being caught, is enough to send him into a crumpled wreck of remorse (he's 4, so he's still impulsive, so stuff does happen)

crunchymint · 28/05/2018 12:43

Of course there needs to be consequences. But much better to make them immediate.
But agree that making things a game often works at this age. So timing kids to see how fast they can do something. Can you do something faster than mummy. Some kids get wise to this quickly, some don't. The ones that don't are way easier to parent.
But don't threaten things that you won't follow through. You are teaching her that you don't mean what you say. Most people I find underestimate 3 year olds. In reality they are way smarter than most people give them credence for.

BeyondThePage · 28/05/2018 12:43

catkind we manage to be a team, but our "team agreement" is - you sort out any issues yourself.

The child is not the only one enjoying the lego time.

RhinoBlue · 28/05/2018 12:45

I've had problems with my 5 year old tipping out all the Lego. I tried the 'if I have to tidy it away you will lose it for x amount of time' but it hasn't ever made any difference.

What I found makes a difference is making him do it. Like others have said if you can make them do it at the time, postponing other activities is best. But if you've an important appointment make them do it later.

You have to do it with them, they are too little to do it alone, it's too overwhelming. What I do is I tidy if he tidies - if he stops I stop. That way you don't end up doing it all yourself. He cries and says things like 'but it's going to take ages tidying all this' so I point out that yes it will take a long time which is why he shouldn't have thrown all the Lego out the box. We make it a game and that always cheers him up.

I have found if he knows he is the one picking it all up he less likely to tip it all out than if I pick it up but he loses it for a day. It's not like it's his only toy, he can just play with something else.

Consistency is key though!

Pengggwn · 28/05/2018 12:46

I think that will work fine, OP. Perhaps she won't understand the first time, but she'll get the hang of it pretty quickly. My one year old loses her toys if she plays with them in a way I have told her not to (as in, balancing on top of her bike seat). She understands why I take it away.