Re punishment for not tidying Lego away

[GoodAfternoonSeattle]

My three year old daughter clearly sees me as a total pushover. She’s generally pretty well behaved anyway but if she does play up she simply doesn’t take me seriously if I tell her off, threaten punishment etc.

I will hold my hands up. This is because I’m not great at seeing through a punishment. It’s also because I feel mean doing it and she senses weakness.

But the time has come that I need to be a little harder. She’s getting older and I’m worried that when she’s in school etc and she misbehaves and it really matters, she won’t take me seriously and I won’t have any control over her. But the truth is I don’t really know what I’m doing.

So this morning she emptied her beloved Lego set all over the floor of the living room, after I told her not to. It was everywhere. I have a crawling baby. We were just getting ready to leave the house. I asked her to pick it up. She refused. I asked her again. She refused and said “you do it”. I said no, it’s your Lego and if you don’t pick it up the bits will go missing” “you pick it up Mummy”. Etc.

So I told her if she didn’t pick it up, I would take it away for today and she could have it back tomorrow. It had previously been agreed that she would sit and play Lego with DH tonight after her bath when he gets home from work (she loves this, as does DH) but the plan is that this will not be happening now. She isn’t bothered at the moment (“fine then”) but she will be tonight.

I mean is this ridiculous? Will she actually make the connection about this morning? I just don’t know how to do this.

Also, after re-reading the OP, it appears that the Lego was thrown on the floor for fun/defiance, not that she was playing with it and was then asked to tidy it up when she didn’t want to.

I sit on the floor by the door to read the story. Bedroom light off, landing light on. That’s after all the getting into bed rigmarole!
I read for 15 minutes in a really boring voice and whichever child I’m reading to falls asleep before I finish.

I had a baby gate on ds’s bedroom door so he could open it but he couldn’t get out.

To be fair though we had to for safety as the design of our stairs is such that you cant put a baby gate at the top of the stairs.

I let my very enthusiastic, exuberant, wilfull 3yo fall asleep on the sofa and then transfer to bed.

Not ideal but she doesn't wake her siblings and touch wood actually sleeps through.

Kids react really well to counting down. Just start saying I'm going to count to five and then start counting down and hold up your fingers.

@thatsscottishtender that works great for my DD. We had friends visiting and their kid was being a pain middle of the night. Told him to settle and started doing the count down. He was quiet as a mouse till i finished ,waited a few more seconds then piped up "Now what, Rebel?".

Have you tried "I'm going to count to three. One two..."

Working wonders on my three year old at the moment. I'm trying not to overuse it so it doesn't stop working too soon (I know from my 5 yo it won't last!)

Put it in the bin. Never too early to learn.

I think binning stuff is harsh. I think that’s over the line for me.

And this is why kids are so naughty because people say oh three year olds don't need punishment but when they get to eight years old or whatever they suddenly can be punished but because they have not been punished previously they don't care and get away with everything. Ino my three year old would no the connection and she does.

I’m a nursery teacher. Three year olds are absolutely able to understand consequences of their actions provided they are consistent. I find being flexible and firm works: being flexible with timing (offering choices for how many minutes left to play and using sand timers for visuals) but being absolutely firm and consistent with the fact that the Lego needs to be put away using a “first, then” approach “first we clean up, then we get to- (insert fun activity)”. Some children, of course, challenge this, and most three year olds can read the adults in their lives very astutely, so any sign of you backing down will strengthen their resolve. Young children really do feel safer and more secure when predictable boundaries are in place.

She was so good all day that she got her Lego back

So you've done exactly what you said you didn't want to do in your OP. You've proved yourself - in your own words - a total pushover.

I get it. Most parents on here will. We all hate seeing our kids upset. We all want to see the best in them. We all want to focus on their positives rather than their negatives. We all want to forgive and move on to something nicer.

But what has your kid got from today?

No wonder she doesn't (again, in your own words) take you seriously. No wonder bed time is an issue for you.
The only lesson she's learnt from this episode is that she doesn't have to tidy up after herself and mummy doesn't mean it when she threatens stuff (not playing lego with her dad later).

You're like the parents I overhear saying things like "If you keep being naughty, I won't take you on holiday when the rest of us go, we'll leave you behind" or "Right. Christmas is cancelled"

I watch those kids going through 1 of 2 things. Either they're hugely anxious and upset ("What will happen to me when my family go away without me? Who will look after me") or they know it's crap (probably because the parent has said this regularly and doesn't follow through.

I don't find it impressive parenting. But, hey, your choice.

Many thanks for your kind words, Keep

I suppose your parenting is perfect and “impressive” in every way?

I would have seen it through. But perhaps you didn’t read the 50-odd responses saying I was doing the complete wrong thing.

My thinking was that if I told her she was so good she could get it back, it’s positive reinforcement etc. I was just trying to do the right thing.

I fucking hate posts like yours. Smug and passive aggressive under the guise of helpful advice, serve to do nothing but make people feel like shit.

I hope it made you feel good.

Oh @goodafternoonseattle AIBU is a tough crowd. Don’t beat yourself up - you clearly do that enough already. I know I certainly do!

FWIW, personally, I believe in consequences. But they have to be the right consequences. They need to be real and proportionate. And I have to have tried a fun / gentle option first. I can’t be because I’m cross or annoyed.

Amongst all the replies there is some good advice here, or at least it chimes with my experience.

Give fair warning & explain. For example, DC we are going to go in 5 minutes to go home and have some lunch. 2 minutes, 1 minute warning. It allows my DC to understand; he reacts really badly to just being told it’s time to go.

Make it a game. For example, can you find the red gate to get out of the park? Can you find me a dandelion up the path to the car?

Be clear And Make it real for them. DC I need us to go to the car as we need to go home and have some lunch. It’s hot today and we need a break from the sun and I’m hungry. Are you hungry? What would you like for lunch?

Give them a chance to make better choices. DC, I’ve asked you to go to the car so we can go home and get some lunch. Can you go to the car please, then you can have X for lunch.

Give fair warning. DC, I’ve asked you to go to the car. I’m going to count to three. If I get to three then no ice lolly after lunch. And I bet you’d like an ice lolly. Yes? Can you get in the car for me then please. One.... If I get to three then no lolly. Two...two and a half...three. Ok, we’ll thats sad as no lolly but ok.

This may result in a tantrum but that’s ok, we just cuddle all the way through it. He needs to learn. Although clearly some people would disagree! For my DS though if there were no consequences he would run riot. He’s a good boy and can mostly be cajoled or tempted into things (though mostly at a slower pace than I’d like) but I need him to know that things have consequences.

I also use the naughty step.

I know that makes me a monster

Also, OP of course we ALL (apart from the saints) swear at our kids to just pick up the bloody Lego. But in our heads. Or under our breath. Or in the loo. Or to our DHs that night. That’s normal. Especially when knackered with a new baby. Give yourself a break.

I say to them 'you tidy it away into its box, or I tidy it away onto my shelf (confiscated) until tomorrow. If they don't make an attempt with a few seconds it's gone. And it DOES NOT come out until the next day, even if they cry or scream or start tidying. They had their chance!

I have three under 6 and they absolutely understand what they're up to.

I'm astonished by some of the responses here. No wonder some children are so naughty.

Could she possibly be jealous of the baby?
My mum tells me I was the same at 3, acted up because I was jealous my baby brother was getting mummy’s milk and attention when I had previously been her one and only!
I personally think delayed punishment for 3 year old is a bit fruitless and she won’t make the connection, you’ll just have a big old tantrum on your hands tonight
Rather than punishment, her acting up means she’s going through some form of uncertainty or change, so extra love (like lego time with daddy!) is more needed than ever.
Hope you get it sortee

LOL jesus christ people saying a 3yo is a baby.

Look its simple: you put the lego away because i have asked you to, or it goes in the bin. Which shall we do?

Why overcomplicate stuff?

Kids in the uk are honestly so badly behaved. This is why you see them screaming and running rampant in places etc.

There are consequences for actions. A 3yo understands this.

I think it's depends what side of 3 she's on so just turned 3, I'd perhaps be more lenient, 3 nearing 4 I would absolutely give a consequence for doing something she was asked not to do, or at least warn of one which would have been enough for my daughter at that age. Eg "I asked you not to tip all your Lego out and you've done it anyway, you can either today it away now and play later or leave it and mummy won't allow you to get it out again" that approach works well with mine...

Tidy**

Seattle, you might like How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. It sounds like that would suit you especially around your ideas of positive reinforcement. Also, I agree with pp about the When we have done x then we will do y because that leaves no room for argument. The consequence is in the delay. The longer it takes to tidy away the lego, the less time doing the fun activity.

I do use natural consequences quite clearly with the lego... it gets picked up so it doesn't get knocked under the sofa and lost (I'm not able to move our behemoth of a sofa-bed easily) or oops it might go up the hoover.

Result is they're very very careful about their toys with tiny bits (it's playmobil in this house - neither of mine are particularly in to Lego - but will sit and reenact school assemblies for hours with small plastic people).

I really feel for you seattle, this age is so hard and you did what you thought was right under stressful circumstances.

I honestly despair at some of the responses on here. I've taught EYFS for over 10 years and have witnessed a steady decline in children's behaviour and their inability to adhere to behavioural and social expectations.
3 years old is not a baby and as tough as it is, they have to learn that sometimes they have to do things they don't want to do, even if they don't entirely understand why just yet.
Yes of course, most instructions should come with an explanation as to why whatever you're asking is the right thing to do, but quite frankly, sometimes "because I said so" is enough.
Teachers do not have the time to gently explain the motivations for every single instruction. You would literally do nothing else.
Some posters we would do well to read the "Development Matters" document which clearly sets out expectations in the Early Years.

For example....