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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not a tart and tell him to fuck off?

490 replies

treeofhearts · 28/05/2018 01:13

I see a Chiropractor and a Physiotherapist weekly for a painful skeletomuscular condition and have done for years. This is necessary to maintain mobility in my spine and reduce pain. I've been with DP for 8 months and he has known about my condition since we met.

Last week he came with me to the appointment for the first time. I didn't consider it a big deal, there is no reason he has never come with me, I just usually go when he is at work but he is off this time and came along.

He has absolutely flipped his shit, calling me a tart, naive and all sorts and referred to the clinic as a fucking perverts paradise.

The reason for this little tantrum? They are all men. And it never occured to his tiny brain that in order to have spinal adjustments, I would have to take my top off.

Apparently I'm having an affair with them. All 3 of them, possibly at once, he wasn't clear on this bit and the massage therapist undoing my bra constitutes sexual contact which is cheating. Hmm

For clarity, the (very professional) massage therapist has me remove my top and then lay face down before unfastening my bra and leaving it open so it still covers my breasts. Afterwards he wipes the oil away and does it back up before I get up. At no point does he cop an eyeful.

I'm clearly having an emotional affair with the Physio because we were talking about films that had made us cry while he was twisting me into unnatural shapes and sticking needles into me because apparently men don't do that unless they are interested and the Chiro was disrespecting him by hugging me when I walked in. He hugs everyone and flirts with anything with a pulse! It's just how he is.

Oh and it's not even legal for me to be half undressed alone in a building with 3 men.

Give me fucking strength. AIBU to tell him I just don't have the energy for this shit and to grow up or fuck off?

I have been going to this clinic every week for years! I have known the 3 of them for years, especially the Physio who actually saved my life a few years back by talking me out of suicide and confiscating my medication for 4 days to make sure I didn't take too many of them. None of them have ever so much as taken an inappropriate glance let alone a liberty and are completely trustworthy.

He will not let this drop. It's doing my head in. Constantly trying to trip me up with probing questions about them and my treatment. I am seriously considering telling him to fuck off to his mothers.

OP posts:
JamieVardysHavingAParty · 28/05/2018 10:56

You realise that he doesn't actually believe any of this nonsense he said yesterday, OP? If he really, truly thought you were shagging these three men, he'd have done more than moaned about it for a week. He'd have ended the relationship already!

So he doesn't even believe it. Yet he still felt it was acceptable to make all those vile accusations, knowing it wasn't true.

He hates the idea of you being in close physical contact with men, even for medical treatment, full stop, and he is willing to say whatever it takes to make you give up treatment.

notapizzaeater · 28/05/2018 11:00

Glad you're not going to put up with any of this nonsense. He will be telling you he's just looking out for you, protecting you etc ...

Wdigin2this · 28/05/2018 11:01

I haven't read the whole thread, but I'm telling you exactly what I'm assuming everyone else is.....GET RID OF THIS IDIOT!!!

Moneyissue2 · 28/05/2018 11:06

Nordic, yes, scary how quickly it becomes normalised isn’t it? And I agree, it’s such a horrible insidious form of abuse that takes a long time to get over. I’m very angry and bitter. I don’t want other women to end up like me.

ciderhouserules · 28/05/2018 11:07

OP - if your P can't appreciate the difference between a 'sexual' touch and a 'medical treatment', then he is a total tosser and should be binned.

WhatsthePoint - your DH can't even watch TV with women on? What does/can he watch? Football? What about cheerleaders? I think I'd agree to you getting professional help, ASAP.

YetAnotherUser · 28/05/2018 11:10

LTB, and see if any of the chiropractors are interested. At least they care about your well-being!

Original poster
treeofhearts · 28/05/2018 11:10

He is history. I've told him to come and get his things. I was willing to chalk it up to a one off jealous fit until he text me to apologise and finished it off with "but you have to know how it looks I'm really not happy with you being alone in a room with them, maybe if your mum goes with you it would be ok?"

I'm not being told where I can and can't go without a chaperone, fuck that

Haha yes he is an oddball but very effective and it's convenient them all being in the same building as I can just go from one room to the next rather than appointments taking up 3 days a week.

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 28/05/2018 11:11

nordic - how did you get out?

JamieVardy - very true. He's found a big stick he can beat the OP with. He has no intention of splitting with her - it's too much fun to control and abuse instead.

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 28/05/2018 11:12

Look after yourself. Maybe have someone there when he comes to get his stuff?
well done for dumping him, he is a loser.

SlowDown76mph · 28/05/2018 11:12

Aren't you going for the "fuck off" option..?

Cindie943811A · 28/05/2018 11:13

OP a woman my eve presume that just because a man is calm and gentle at the start of a relationship that that is who he truly is. Most controlling men are not so silly that they risk showing their true colours until they think they have you securely in their grasp. They tighten the screws gradually and almost imperceptibly and because the you are now attached you are prepared to overlook it until suddenly the penny drops just when it’s often too late or painful to disengage.
You have had a lucky escape.
Good luck

Ladymadness · 28/05/2018 11:13

but you have to know how it looks I'm really not happy with you being alone in a room with them, maybe if your mum goes with you it would be ok?
What an absolute knob !
Glad to hear he is now an ex Grin

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/05/2018 11:14

I watch my husband living a life I don’t want for him. I hate what I’ve done to him but I can’t stop

You have to, for both your sakes - you sound very unhappy that you've made his life like this; but he's living no life at all. He can't watch TV with women in it?

I would honestly either seek very urgent therapy; focusing on this initially to solve it as quickly as possible for his sake, or find a way that he can live a life that isn't completely controlled by your jealousy. I suspect he'll need to stop enabling it during any treatment anyway.

I really hope you get this sorted Thanks

nowshesaturtle · 28/05/2018 11:14

Well done,OP. I've been lurking as there wasn't any point saying what everyone else was saying.

But you've done the right thing. As you say - fuck that

Zebra31 · 28/05/2018 11:15

Good for you. He really would have become unbearable. Take your mum in. That’s amusing but infuriating.

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/05/2018 11:16

Whatsthepointnow4

Your ASD may or may not be the reason but it is not an excuse. You are emotionally abusing your partner and in my book there is never an excuse for that. I dare say pretty much every abuser could come up with a reason for being who they are, that doesn't help their victims. If you mean what you say then go and get help now but I fear there are too many undertones of self-pity in your posts for me to believe that you will.

SlowDown76mph · 28/05/2018 11:17

Well Done.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/05/2018 11:18

OP, you've had virtually the same advice from almost every poster, some with direct experience of this kind of man.

You sound dangerously close to minimising his behaviour and sound vaguely flippant about it, but that might just be your posting style.

I'm ducking out of this thread now. I hope you follow the excellent advice here.

Moneyissue2 · 28/05/2018 11:21

I had chaperone suggestions too! I also had to apologise for a hundred things I was never actually sorry for.

So VERY happy to read your update op, good for you and please stay strong.

GardenGeek · 28/05/2018 11:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskAuntLydia · 28/05/2018 11:22

I was willing to chalk it up to a one off jealous fit

That would have been a huge mistake.

It's 8 months in and he managed to behave himself that long. He's thrown this fit because he thinks he's built up enough capital for you to forgive him. The tentative "maybe your mum could go with you" is him realising that he hasn't won this one, so he is backing down a bit. Once he's realised that's not going to work either he'll do one of 2 things:

  1. Sense that he won't be able to control you and you're not worth the paperwork, so fuck off (good outcome)

or

  1. Step up the charm offensive. Apologise, buy you flowers, beg for your forgiveness, acknowledge he's been an idiot and he doesn't konw what came over him, he'll never do it again, look at how good you are together, yada yada.

If you fall for 2. what will happen is that he'll be much more cautious about exerting control over you in future. It'll be more subtle, more tentative, more insidious and difficult for you to pinpoint. But it will happen. Because men do not behave like this unless they have a deep-seated need to control the woman they're with, which cannot be rooted out just by an apology and a bunch of flowers.

Gemini69 · 28/05/2018 11:22

well done on ditching this clown Flowers

Sevendown · 28/05/2018 11:23

This is how abusing men work.

They make you think they are great for ages.

Then at some point when you feel safe and comfortable they let their mask slip.

Leave before he hurts you.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 28/05/2018 11:26

This is how abusing men work

In my experience this is how abusing women work as well. They all follow the same script.

PositivelyPERF · 28/05/2018 11:27

it’s just as excruciating and unpleasant and scary to be that person as well as the person on the receiving end

It absolutely is NOT as bad for you as it is for him. YOU are the one with the issues and you’re making him suffer, as a result. He has absolutely no control over how YOU behave.