To think I'm not a tart and tell him to fuck off?

[treeofhearts]

I see a Chiropractor and a Physiotherapist weekly for a painful skeletomuscular condition and have done for years. This is necessary to maintain mobility in my spine and reduce pain. I've been with DP for 8 months and he has known about my condition since we met.

Last week he came with me to the appointment for the first time. I didn't consider it a big deal, there is no reason he has never come with me, I just usually go when he is at work but he is off this time and came along.

He has absolutely flipped his shit, calling me a tart, naive and all sorts and referred to the clinic as a fucking perverts paradise.

The reason for this little tantrum? They are all men. And it never occured to his tiny brain that in order to have spinal adjustments, I would have to take my top off.

Apparently I'm having an affair with them. All 3 of them, possibly at once, he wasn't clear on this bit and the massage therapist undoing my bra constitutes sexual contact which is cheating.

For clarity, the (very professional) massage therapist has me remove my top and then lay face down before unfastening my bra and leaving it open so it still covers my breasts. Afterwards he wipes the oil away and does it back up before I get up. At no point does he cop an eyeful.

I'm clearly having an emotional affair with the Physio because we were talking about films that had made us cry while he was twisting me into unnatural shapes and sticking needles into me because apparently men don't do that unless they are interested and the Chiro was disrespecting him by hugging me when I walked in. He hugs everyone and flirts with anything with a pulse! It's just how he is.

Oh and it's not even legal for me to be half undressed alone in a building with 3 men.

Give me fucking strength. AIBU to tell him I just don't have the energy for this shit and to grow up or fuck off?

I have been going to this clinic every week for years! I have known the 3 of them for years, especially the Physio who actually saved my life a few years back by talking me out of suicide and confiscating my medication for 4 days to make sure I didn't take too many of them. None of them have ever so much as taken an inappropriate glance let alone a liberty and are completely trustworthy.

He will not let this drop. It's doing my head in. Constantly trying to trip me up with probing questions about them and my treatment. I am seriously considering telling him to fuck off to his mothers.

Whatsthepointnow

Don't cry. First of all, how recently were you diagnosed? Are you possibly still working through accepting it and untangling what is innate ASD and what is learnt coping strategy?

Who has talked to you about ASD? As a starting point, I strongly recommend that you look into the Curly Hair Project's resources. This is the founder's (herself a woman with ASD) business page on FB m.facebook.com/TheGirlWithTheCurlyHair/?locale2=en_GB

There is a plethora of self-help books written for the family members of people with ASD and these can be surprisingly helpful to people with ASD themselves.

Nothing of what you've described sounds like ASD, but it does sound like the potential result of emotional abuse during childhood. No-one can go back in time and change what happened, but you can learn to overcome your present responses to it, before they poison your life today.

What an odd reaction,as if you were somehow sleeping with 3 men in the same place at the same time,why on earth would your partner/ex think you'd allow him along 😕to your session. And telling 'you' to calm down...what a head fuck.Definitely doing the right thing op

What a ridiculous man. Well rid.

I have been told pretty much that everything I’ve done that is wrong is because of asd. So now do I assume that having asd is not relevant when it’s my jealousy and obsessional control with dh? That if I didn’t have asd I’d still behave this way because of how I was treated as a child ?

yep whats Spot on. But you can overcome this. Get therapy.
In the meantime try letting DH watch a programme. Know that it will feel awful for you at first, but if you push through it and carry on, it will become easier and easier. It will do. I promise. Force yourself and do it for DH.

Officially diagnosed a couple of years ago but should have been when I was 10/11 but I was not seen by the recommended people and clearly back then it was acceptable for my parents to tell professionals they just didn’t want a label for me, that yes they knew what the issue probsbly was but refused any input
I’ve not really spoken to anyone as have shut myself away after diagnosis

Right, so you are in that nasty post-diagnosis fog for adults of feeling that everything about you is broken and feeling convinced that every personal flaw you have is due to ASD and unfixable, I think? Are you keeping yourself away from other people as a preemptive measure?

To be diagnosed with ASD doesn't mean you are doomed to do things wrongly for the rest of your life. It means that you will generally find some things harder than someone without ASD would, and that you will have to work harder to get there. Sometimes you will find the reverse is true, and that your brain structure means you find things easier than other people without ASD would.

Oh god you couldn't sleep with him again knowing what a pathetic character he is. Yuk

He sounds thick as pig shit. Get rid.

@Whatsthepointnow4 the ASD is not making you act this way. As a result of conditioning you received as a child you have learnt patterns of behaviour and the ASD makes it more difficult for you to break these patterns than a "neurotypical" person would find.

My son's doctor said that ASD people can have addictive personalities which makes it much harder for them to break patterns of behaviour even though they know it's self destructive. CBT has made a massive difference for my DS.

So the ASD isn't causing the behaviour, but it makes it harder to stop and just remember it's not your fault, it's just how your brain is working at the moment.

Many times I’ve told dh he should leave because I feel so bad

You're the abuser. Your husband - the victim - should not be the one having to leave.

whatsthepoint
Have messaged you.

Bombardier whats has said she is trying to understand this behaviour and will be following up help.

ok babe I know u upset so I'll give you time 2 calm down

OK, this changes everything. YABVVVVU for having dated this guy in the first place! Textese? "BABE"?!?

Get some standards woman!!!

Oh I'm going to fucking kill him. The anger is totally lasting. He's acting like a different person. He seemed so laid back and nice.

Have u chilled out now?

I'm going to chill him in the fucking morgue! Someone will swear I was with them the whole time right?

Yea you've been with me in Essex for the weekend no?

Short answer?
'Yes, now you're out of my life'
He's certainly dense, isn't he?

Happy to give an alibi, you're helping me to paint my fence, aren't you?

Standard gaslighting technique, to try to claim this is all down to your anger and unreasonable conduct, not his.

I remember an ex of mine getting really upset that I was going for drinks after work with 2 MALE friends - who I'd known for years longer than I'd known him, both were significantly younger than me, one was happily married & the other was desperately in love with a gorgeous model he knew. The now-ex suggested "if you want to go for drinks couldn't you go with the girls from the office". Then he said that fatal phrase "it's not YOU I don't trust, it's just that I know what men are like".

So in one conversation he's accused me of a) being weak and unable to say no or b) my very dear long term friends of being rapists. I asked why he wanted to be with me if I was either so weak, or had such bad judgement, so he back pedaled. Note I refer to him as "ex", the sexist dinosaur that he was.

Your now-ex-since-his-last-text has done virtually the same. He has accused you of being an unfaithful slut, and at the same time accused qualified, regulated professionals of sexual abuse. Why WOULD he want you back if he really believes that dodgy things go on at the therapy centre, and that you are a willing participant?

Block him, ghost him. It’ll be hard at first but after a while you’ll stop wanting to read and respond to his messages and be free.

Also he will find it maddening that you can be so strong. The best revenge is living well.

OP you were here in Cheshire the whole time, helping me in the garden

Yes youre the one with the 'problem', OP. You are obviously overreacting (possibly because of a 'guilty conscience' ) and he is just trying to calm you down!

Block him.

I haven’t read the entire thread but honestly, I’d tell him to fuck off now and grow up. What a ridiculous way to behave. The only reason he is getting on the way he is, is because he’s perverted and wouldn’t be able to be around a woman providing a much needed service without wanting to fuck her. I’m glad you took him so now you see him for what he really is. A controlling, possessive pervert. What a dick.

You are obviously in France right now, quaffing wine with me.

Say that yes, the tantric massage with sensual oils from all those 3 men certainly helped to chill.

Have you chilled out now

Totally unacceptable. He's not accepting any responsibility for his actions.
Please don't engage with this tosser any more.