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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

late husband being a liar

160 replies

percheron67 · 27/05/2018 20:45

My husband, with whom I have one child {disabled}, died a while ago. I nursed him through a terminal illness accompanied him on hospital visits and visited every day when he was bed bound.

We had talked over our monies before he became ill and I said that. if he left the finances to me during my lifetime, I would make sure that his children fro a previous marriage would have a legacy when I died. \I needed to ensure that I would have money around in case anything that could improve her life {treatment abroad, maybe} would be possible. He knew full well that I am scrupulous with the handling of money.

In due course, we had a meeting at his Solicitors because he insisted that he wanted to leave a large sum of money to his daughter. I had, albeit reluctantly, agreed. When the meeting started it turned out aht he wanted his sons to inherit on his death and not mine. I feel I was bullied into accepting this although I was furious about the way it was done. This move seriously depleted the estate.

After his death it appeared that he had taken out large insurance policies for the other children {not my daughter} and so they inherited a great deal of money each. The solicitor said to me that if he had known about the policies he would not have pushed to have the children inherit directly but leave the money in the trust until I passed on. I am trying not to be bitter because, ultimately, it will affect my health but I have nothing but really bad feeling towards my husband. How he could play such a dirty trick really hurts. There is much more I could have done for my child with the money left elsewhere.

OP posts:
myrtleWilson · 31/05/2018 11:59

no I get that but I didn't see a reference for a life policy for the grandchild before (unless I missed it?)

Original poster
percheron67 · 31/05/2018 14:06

Oops! More confusion. Yes, at the time of my husbands death his daughter had become pregnant and didn't know who the father of the baby was. That was the reason my husband wanted to leave her enough cash to buy a house and be safe. No problems there. It was when I went to the solicitor to sign papers that I discovered that papers leaving hefty amounts to the sons {3} were also prepared. I was under pressure and caved in but was unhappy at the way it had been sprung on me.

I thought that all monies were going into a trust and we would benefit equally. I found out afterwards that as well as the money inherited at the time of death, the four children and grandchild were the recipients of insurance policies paid for by my husband and they are still included in the trust.

I hope I haven't put out so much info that they will find out about my post. I think I did mention the grandchild in a previous post.

When the solicitor found out about the insurance policies he did ask the children would consider leaving their inheritance in the trust in order to let my daughter and I have more interest to live on. This did NOT mean that they were losing the money just leaving it where it was for the time being. When all the papers had been finalised, it would have become clear just how much I would receive to live on. All of the children refused.

It is worth noting that I sold my house just before I married and the funds were the means by which we bought our house. My point is that, yes, I did inherit the house but I had paid for it anyway!!

Hope I haven't created more confusion.

OP posts:
callmeadoctor · 31/05/2018 14:16

As I see it, he was concerned that if he left everything to you, you may not have given your stepchildren anything. So he made sure they were protected, he didn't need to do anything to protect your child as you would be looking after her. I think that maybe he was trying to make sure they would benefit too?

myrtleWilson · 31/05/2018 14:19

apologies OP - I did miss the first grandchild reference.

myrtleWilson · 31/05/2018 14:20

to avoid confusion that should be first reference to grandchild not first grandchild! Flowers

HectorlovesKiki · 31/05/2018 14:39

IMO he sounds like a coward & a bully, not the man you thought he was.
If he had been honest & upfront with you at the time, you wouldn't feel so rankled at his deceitful behaviour. He wasn't being fair or reasonable.
He didn't trust you or he would have arranged things your way and that must sadden you greatly. He spared very little thought for you & your daughter, added to which you now have to live with the financial implications of his underhand decisions.

If you can, try to draw a line under it & move on, otherwise it will destroy you. Best wishes for the future.

trojanpony · 31/05/2018 14:56

I can see why this is upsetting / trouble to you.

As a question: What kind of a relationship did your husband have with your daughter?

User467 · 31/05/2018 15:17

Was your daughter left an equal share of the estate? (insurance policies not included)

Mousefunky · 31/05/2018 15:46

So you and your DD walked away with nothing then. The house was yours anyway so he didn’t exactly leave that to you. He has totally left you and your DD out, lovely.

I really feel for you. Everybody I know (including myself) has insurance policies set up with an equal split for each of their DC.

Original poster
percheron67 · 31/05/2018 19:05

Trojan pony. Thank you for the message. Not too bad thank you. She was almost eight when he died so he was able to spend some time with her.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 31/05/2018 19:08

He should have done a policy for your DD as well. That would have been the fair thing to do.

I'm wondering why he took you along to the solicitor in the first place when he was leaving more to his DD. Could he not have gone alone.

Does that mean if you didn't agree with him leaving money to his sons he could have still done it anyway? Or could you have prevented it.

One final thing... as you were married... I imagine you had joint assets, so does that mean what he left them was purely his own assets acquired before marriage and totally separate?

Original poster
percheron67 · 31/05/2018 19:14

HectorlovesKiki. My goodness! You have no idea just how accurate you are!!! It was moonlight and roses for the first year or so and then the controlling behaviour began. I can see that now - hindsight is wonderful. It is only now that I realise how gullible and soft I was. I even stopped having my own daily paper because it was "too left-wing"! It is several years since he died and I am only now a proper person again. I am pleased I wrote the original post on here because it has helped me to move on and think positively about myself after years of verbal abuse and being put down in front of friends and business colleagues.Thank you for your support. I cannot express how much it helps. God Bless.

OP posts:
Original poster
percheron67 · 31/05/2018 19:16

Mousefunky. Thank you for understanding. It was good of you to take the trouble to post. I would send all of you flowers but haven't worked out how to do the emoji.!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2018 20:55

He sounds a real piece of work! I’m sorry for your DD’s loss of her father but you are well rid of him as a husband (sorry if that sounds heartless).

StaplesCorner · 31/05/2018 21:29

I hope all the people who came on and were so rude to the OP can now see what some of us thought originally - well actually its even worse - the OP and her DD didn't get a penny. What a bastard - not a man who was penniless or hard up, but one that had some money, lived in the OP's house, and left their daughter nothing. And clearly the kids from the first marriage take after him. Sad story, I am glad you have come to terms with it all though OP.

So does this mean you have to work to support your daughter or are you her full time carer?

Original poster
percheron67 · 01/06/2018 02:52

Hello Staples, I was her full time carer until eighteen months ago when she moved into sheltered accommodation. I visit regularly and she is often here at weekends. I do some work with RDA - we both adore horses - and so my time is pretty full. I am lucky because I have many good friends who are very supportive. Thank you.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/06/2018 04:30

I still don't see the problem. You've been left money as you are living on the interest of the trust. Your stepchildren wanted their money which they'd been left. The only thing he should have done differently was to do the insurance policy for your dd .But maybe it was too late to do it for her if he already was ill?

Original poster
percheron67 · 01/06/2018 10:28

Sandy. When I signed papers at the solicitors I was unaware of the insurance policies. The solicitor was unaware as well. He did say that if he had known, he would not have advised money going from the trust early on.

OP posts:
Original poster
percheron67 · 01/06/2018 10:32

RedHelenB. The insurance policies were taken out before he knew he had cancer. The one good thing was that he took out a critical illness policy at the same time and that helped a lot when he was diagnosed a few months later.

OP posts:
StaplesCorner · 01/06/2018 13:28

"You've been left money as you are living on the interest of the trust." - is that right OP?

callmeadoctor · 01/06/2018 14:32

I still feel that your husband knew that you had a house and trust interest and wanted to make sure that his other children would be ok too. If he had left it all to you, maybe he thought that they wouldn't get anything when you died?

greendale17 · 01/06/2018 14:41

As I see it, he was concerned that if he left everything to you, you may not have given your stepchildren anything.

^I agree. Sorry but I agree with the husband in this instance.

WeirdyMcBeardy · 01/06/2018 15:19

Sorry OP but he absolutely shouldn't have left it all to you on your word that your DSC would inherit on your death, that would be very ill advised as you could go back on that the second he died. I agree that his children should have benefitted like they did. The only thing he was a shit about is the fact he didn't make equal provisions for your child together.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 01/06/2018 15:35

He should have had an insurance policy for his daughter but he was absolutely correct to leave the money direct to his children rather than their step mother.

His ex wife's assets are hers and none of your business. What she leaves her children is down to her.

LakieLady · 01/06/2018 16:00

YANBU to be hurt and upset, OP, but I can also see it from the other children's POV.

A dear friend's father left her mother when she was young and had a 3rd child with his second wife. He died a couple of years ago and left his £1.5m estate entirely to his second wife. The £2m house became solely the 2nd wife's as it was in joint names. There was not a penny piece or even his best wishes to my friend or her brother, no mention of them in the will at all.

My friend was very upset and told me that she felt it was as though they had simply never existed, despite the fact that she had helped care for him in his final illness (she's a nurse). Her brother took the view that their father was a shit when he left their mother and ran off with his secretary and continued to be a shit for the rest of his life, but my friend was close to her father and has felt very hurt.

I think it's best to divide everything equally and, with the exception of the insurance policies, your late husband seems to have done that.