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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

late husband being a liar

160 replies

percheron67 · 27/05/2018 20:45

My husband, with whom I have one child {disabled}, died a while ago. I nursed him through a terminal illness accompanied him on hospital visits and visited every day when he was bed bound.

We had talked over our monies before he became ill and I said that. if he left the finances to me during my lifetime, I would make sure that his children fro a previous marriage would have a legacy when I died. \I needed to ensure that I would have money around in case anything that could improve her life {treatment abroad, maybe} would be possible. He knew full well that I am scrupulous with the handling of money.

In due course, we had a meeting at his Solicitors because he insisted that he wanted to leave a large sum of money to his daughter. I had, albeit reluctantly, agreed. When the meeting started it turned out aht he wanted his sons to inherit on his death and not mine. I feel I was bullied into accepting this although I was furious about the way it was done. This move seriously depleted the estate.

After his death it appeared that he had taken out large insurance policies for the other children {not my daughter} and so they inherited a great deal of money each. The solicitor said to me that if he had known about the policies he would not have pushed to have the children inherit directly but leave the money in the trust until I passed on. I am trying not to be bitter because, ultimately, it will affect my health but I have nothing but really bad feeling towards my husband. How he could play such a dirty trick really hurts. There is much more I could have done for my child with the money left elsewhere.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 27/05/2018 21:24

There is much more I could have done for my child with the money left elsewhere.

Elsewhere being with the children he had before he met you. His other children arent less important than your child.

You speak as though 'elsewhere' is with strangers.

harshbuttrue1980 · 27/05/2018 21:25

YABU. He loves all of his children, and he can't be expected to cut his other children out of his will and leave them with nothing just so you get all his money for you and your child. As his wife, surely you must have been left with the marital home and money in joint accounts? That is your share. His other children don't just disappear when the second wife has one.

butidontwannausemyhead · 27/05/2018 21:26

We need a clearer picture here. He wanted to leave his daughter a large sum, but you don't say whether he did. Has he made it so that it's released if you die and not him so therefore she hasn't got anything yet?

pallisers · 27/05/2018 21:27

It could be fair, but the op wanted more for her dd and less for his other children...

her daughter is disabled. I think most parents try to make extra provision for a child who has additional needs.

OP, if the split is heavily in favour of his other children it might be worth consulting a solicitor to see if he has failed to make proper provision for his daughter with you, taking into account her additional need.

I too would feel betrayed if I were you but I also recognise that I would never trust a second spouse to take care of my children by a first spouse. It seems in his zeal to make sure the older children were taken care of he didn't take care of his youngest child.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2018 21:28

It's not 100% clear...but I think he had 2 sons from a previous marriage and his DD with the OP.

OPs preference would be the sons got nothing on his death and waited till she passed.

I think he did the right thing by having them inherit on his death.

greystripedteepee · 27/05/2018 21:29

I think he did the right thing

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2018 21:29

My dad and stepmum have been very open about their plans. If he dies first, she’ll stay in the house for the rest of her life and he’s set up some sort of trust that will be split between his DC after her death. Her half is going to her nieces and nephews, she has no children.

Why would I be upset by that? It’s their money, their home, their right to make whatever plans they like. My dad has always earned a huge amount more than SM and she hasn’t worked for years so it’s “his” money. But they’re married, they don’t owe anyone anything, it would be just as much my business if they left it to a cats home, which may still happen, ie none!

None of us are due an inheritance so I honestly don’t see how waiting until a step parent has died to get it is a hardship.

That’s all unconnected with the OP other than to say that if they had legal stuff in place and the husband’s DC would have benefitted eventually, well then there’s no reason that would have been unfair.

Meanwhile, she’s trying to do her best for her DD who her late husband seems to have overlooked completely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2018 21:32

Her daughter is disabled, as PPs have said, the children’s needs aren’t equal. If her daughter can’t be independent then it’s absolutely right that extra provision would be made for her.

Her step children aren’t more deserving because their parents divorced than her daughter who has additional and potentially expensive needs.

Bluntness100 · 27/05/2018 21:32

I'm curious about the insurance policies for the other children?

Is it not he had a life insurance policy and they were the benefactors? Could he have forgotten about it?

lunar1 · 27/05/2018 21:32

It's no reflection on you, but I wouldn't trust anyone to provide for my children in this circumstance, and I wouldn't allow them to have to wait till a stepparent died to get their inheritance.

How much of the estate is left for you and your dd? Was the mortgage paid off on his death?

Emma198 · 27/05/2018 21:35

I've read this as, when you take the insurance in to account his children to his previous relationship are set to get considerably more than OP's DD, am I mistaken? Even taking in to account that she'll get OP's share too once OP passes? If so, I think that's unreasonable.

If he's just made sure that all of his children benefit equally, then i think he's done the right thing there.

Sorry if it feels like he didn't trust you to do the right thing by all of his children OP, I know that must hurt when you'd promised you'd do the right thing by them all.

MimpiDreams · 27/05/2018 21:40

Sounds like you wanted him to disinherit his children. YABVU and good on him for standing up to you.

mrsm43s · 27/05/2018 21:40

Reasonable would be an equal amount for ALL of his children, plus a contribution to your future.

Unreasonable would be for one child (your DD) and you to get the all (or more than her share of) of his money, leaving his other children without.

It's hard to know, without full details and figures, but reading between the lines, I get the impression you wanted a will that largely screwed over his children in the previous marriage in favour of your DD -that would have been very unreasonable, and he's an honourable man not to have gone along with this.

It's sad that your DD has a disability, but it's not your DH's children's responsibility to in some way compensate her for this. As long as she got an equal share, he was doing the right thing. Be proud of what a good man he was that recognised ALL of his responsibilities.

SecretStash · 27/05/2018 21:44

I’m with Lunar a bit here.

Is there much age difference between you and your husband?
If you’re 15 years younger then even more so I understand why he wanted this kids sorted before your passing.

What have you and DD been left and is she his child?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/05/2018 21:45

In all fairness the insurance policies may well have been taken out a long time ago, certainly before he was ill.
Was the daughter he wanted to leave a large sum of money to your daughter as well or was it another daughter? If it was your daughter why did you reluctantly agree? As for his sons, maybe he wanted to ensure they had some money and not had to wait to see if there was any left on your passing.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 21:46

YABVU and good on him for standing up to you.

why would you say something like this to a woman who was with her husband through his illness and death and is now worried about her disabled daughter? His older children benefited from large insurance policies that presumably the husband took out because he knew he would leave his estate to his wife for life. Then he changed his mind so the older children got the policies plus their inheritance and his wife and disabled daughter didn't.

Does it really matter so much to get a dig in at the OP? I suppose it is AIBU so anything goes.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 21:47

It's sad that your DD has a disability, but it's not your DH's children's responsibility to in some way compensate her for this

But it might possibly her father's responsibility?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/05/2018 21:51

There are some ugly posts on here.

The woman has lost her husband and must be wondering why at his end he lied to her and didn’t do everything he could to support THEIR disabled daughter. Nowhere does it say she was planning to disinherit his other children. Don’t be so ridiculous.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/05/2018 21:56

Nobody is being ugly, but nobody knows what the future holds. Maybe the op might marry again and have further children, maybe the entire inheritance would have been spent by the time the OP passes. Maybe the OP and the step children would become estranged. And other than the insurance policy I am not sure how the OP has been lied to. Maybe the policy had been taken out a long time ago and simply forgotten about.

Original poster

percheron67 · 27/05/2018 21:56

Thank you to everyone who has replied. To make things clearer, I do have a house - thank heaven - and some money. I think I am cross because his first wife is very wealthy indeed; think one house in England, one in Spain and loads in the bank {I know this because he was her accountant!}. His four children will inherit this and none of it will come to my child. Also, the fact that this was done secretively and I didn't know until after the funeral leaves a bad taste. All of his first family - with whom I have a lot of contact - are in well paid careers whereas my daughter is in supported accommodation and will never earn a living. She is a sweet soul and it hurts to know that he left policies for all of them, plus a grandchild, and omitted her makes me very sad. Hopefully, she will never know. We are struggling financially but the underhand treatment makes me feel feel sorry for her. I cannot remember him as a good man I am afraid but a deceitful one. Again, thanks to all of your for bothering to post.

OP posts:

pallisers · 27/05/2018 21:58

OP, that is very hard that he omitted her of all his children. As you said there is no point in carrying the bitterness but it is hard.

I do wonder if his provision for her could be challenged on the basis of her needs.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 21:59

Maybe the policy had been taken out a long time ago and simply forgotten about.

When you have a disabled daughter who will never live independently you can't afford to forget things like this or make mistakes about providing for her if you are a good parent.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/05/2018 22:01

So the large sum of money he wanted to leave to a daughter was his daughter by his first wife, not his daughter with you?

NewYearNewMe18 · 27/05/2018 22:02

I do have a house - thank heaven - and some money. I think I am cross because his first wife is very wealthy indeed; think one house in England, one in Spain and loads in the bank {I know this because he was her accountant!}. His four children will inherit this and none of it will come to my child.

Can I just pick up on this … his first wifes wealth is irrelevant, she will leave her assets to her children, you will leave your assets to your child. Why do you think your child should inherit her assets?

What did he leave you?

Peterrabbitscarrots · 27/05/2018 22:03

If your DD was his dependent and she was treated unfairly in the will, then it can be challenged. I’m presuming she is his biological DD? It sounded like she was in your OP but not so much in the updates that refer to her as your DD.

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