Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

late husband being a liar

160 replies

percheron67 · 27/05/2018 20:45

My husband, with whom I have one child {disabled}, died a while ago. I nursed him through a terminal illness accompanied him on hospital visits and visited every day when he was bed bound.

We had talked over our monies before he became ill and I said that. if he left the finances to me during my lifetime, I would make sure that his children fro a previous marriage would have a legacy when I died. \I needed to ensure that I would have money around in case anything that could improve her life {treatment abroad, maybe} would be possible. He knew full well that I am scrupulous with the handling of money.

In due course, we had a meeting at his Solicitors because he insisted that he wanted to leave a large sum of money to his daughter. I had, albeit reluctantly, agreed. When the meeting started it turned out aht he wanted his sons to inherit on his death and not mine. I feel I was bullied into accepting this although I was furious about the way it was done. This move seriously depleted the estate.

After his death it appeared that he had taken out large insurance policies for the other children {not my daughter} and so they inherited a great deal of money each. The solicitor said to me that if he had known about the policies he would not have pushed to have the children inherit directly but leave the money in the trust until I passed on. I am trying not to be bitter because, ultimately, it will affect my health but I have nothing but really bad feeling towards my husband. How he could play such a dirty trick really hurts. There is much more I could have done for my child with the money left elsewhere.

OP posts:

Kerala2712 · 27/05/2018 22:44

If he had left your daughter money it would have been used up by the state to fund her care needs until it was used up. You and he presumably know that, hence the discussion of putting it in trust for her- no reason it should be in trust for the rest of his children. My BIL is in supported accom with fairly significant care needs- his mothers will leaves his portion in trust to my DH to be spent on him, however the solicitor told us all including her that there is no legal obligation to do so- ie we could just spend it on whatever we fancy after she died. Presumably your husband knew this, and rather than have you having to administer it all thought it better to just leave it directly. Maybe - he wanted you to move on after he died and didn’t want you to be bogged down with managing his affairs for years to come. Perhaps he forgot about the insurance policies for the others? Perhaps he simply didn’t want it to go straight to the state on behalf of your daughter. People do strange and out of character things when they are dying/seriously ill. I can see why you feel hurt/angry, but depending on what your memory of him is when he was well, perhaps its not as deceitful as you feel now.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 27/05/2018 22:44

But it says in the OP that he told her that he was leaving money to his other children while they were at the solicitor. So she did know that this was what would happen.

I think the surprise was the insurance policy. Which, to be fair, could have been taken out years ago.

clyde5591 · 27/05/2018 22:45

Your husband took reasonably good advise and distributed his assets through blood line.

Would not even ask for life time control of all monies/assets available while he was alive - that request alone would concern me .
Re: insurance policies for older children - when were they taken out?

Was it years ago?

Did you and your daughter get nothing?

LivingMyBestLife · 27/05/2018 22:45

I don't think the OP expects her daughter to inherit from the first wife, she is pointing out that the children from the first marriage would though.

OP, it seems to be the extra (unknown) insurance policy that has tipped you over the edge here. If there wasn't one for your own child with your husband, I can see why you would think that part is unfair.

But - you admit that you'd use the money for your daughter and leave your step-children a 'legacy'. Not an equal share. I can see why you want to ring-fence some money for your child given the circumstances but this seems likely to impact on your step-children. Apart from the additional policies, he seems to have been fair here.

From what you've said there is a trust (for your daughter) which may grow if invested, but you wanted the stepchildren's money in there too to increase the rate of growth. I think that's the 'gone elsewhere' reasoning behind your statement but try to put that from your mind and concentrate on growing the trust fund.

Your initial post was confusing because you say you have a daughter with him, then you say he wanted to leave a large sum to his daughter (but presumably not the one you share) and then later on you refer to your daughter. So ours, his, mine - it's a bit confusing which is why people are asking.

Morsecode · 27/05/2018 22:46

You don't come across too well yourself.

How long were you married and how old is your DD? Didn't you get the house that you shared with him? Did you still want to get the other children's share?

Cheby · 27/05/2018 22:52

You husband wasn’t BU to include his children in his will. But he should have catered for them equally.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 27/05/2018 22:54

We don't know what the split was, do we? Maybe it was a fifth each, after whatever was left to the OP.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 22:57

How long were you married and how old is your DD?

what on earth has this to do with providing for a disabled child?

givemesteel · 27/05/2018 22:57

I'm sorry OP, that is very difficult.

I understand why he left the money directly to his other DC rather than to you, but he should have treated all children equally (ie with these insurance policies), as well as making provision for you and your daughter given that your earning capacity is diminished by being her sole carer. I do understand why you feel very resentful.

I think the only thing you can do is maybe point out the inequality to your daughter's half siblings (ie your daughter had no insurance policy). Don't expect it but maybe one / some of them may feel obliged to help you out financially.

But don't fall out over it, your daughter will out live you and hopefully her half siblings will be there to look out for her in the future.

Other than that try to move on and find peace, unfortunately he wasn't the man you thought he was, but you have the rest of your life to enjoy and make the most of.

Morsecode · 27/05/2018 23:00

what on earth has this to do with providing for a disabled child?

A great deal in the advice he would have received.

pallisers · 27/05/2018 23:04

What advice?

Would a lawyer tell the husband to leave less to his dd - if a particular age - because the state would provide? Is that what you are saying? If so, surely he should have discussed this with his wife - the mother of this child.

biscuitmillionaire · 27/05/2018 23:04

He should have set up a trust for his disabled daughter.

It seems from what you're saying OP, that the thing you're most angry about is that he lied to you. Like a slap in the face after all you did caring for him during his illness.

blueshoes · 27/05/2018 23:07

In her posts, OP seems to flip flop between whether the daughter is theirs jointly, his or hers.

IamXXHearMeRoar · 27/05/2018 23:11

OP this must be gut wrenching for you and I am sorry you are having to deal with money worries at such a wretched time on top of everything else.

Maybe you should ask for your thread to be moved to the SN topics. IME very very few people have any real understanding of the added costs and stresses involved with parenting a child with disabilities, the everyday and planning for the future.

I agree that you have been treated unfairly but am unsure what can be done now other than keep building positive relationships between the siblings so they hopefully feel familial bond and take care of one another.

Get some grief counselling to help talk this out in a safe place, you need to vent and Cruise is free of charge.

Oswin · 27/05/2018 23:12

What percentages was everyone left.
Was your dds share left to you maybe? So it isnt swallowed by care fees?

Morsecode · 27/05/2018 23:12

@pallisers Read the OP. Did she say he left less to the daughter or that there were insurance policies which fell outside the estate? Discussing with the mother of his child - should have discussed with the first wife too?

IamXXHearMeRoar · 27/05/2018 23:17

As an aside to the rest of the thread, there is a lot of cruelty being shown in some of these posts, fuck off to non bereavement threads if you want to do some callous goading.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 27/05/2018 23:21

it is difficult to comment without knowing how much everyone ended up with. At no point has the OP said that she (and in due course her daughter) received less than her stepchildren, only that she feels they need not have received any of their father's estate, since they will benefit from life insurance policies and their mother's wealth.

As to why he "lied", presumably he did not agree with the OP's view of how his estate should be left, but did not want to spend his final days in wearisome and acrimonious discussion about it. He may also have been unsure whether the life insurance would ever pay out.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2018 23:23

It sounds like he told you he was leaving a lump sum to your shared child but when you got to the solicitors it turned out he was lying and just left lump sums to his sons from the previous marriage

pallisers · 27/05/2018 23:26

@morsecode I did read the OP. Does it matter whether the additional money for the older children came from the estate or insurance policies? His distribution meant that his youngest child, who arguably needs more assistance, gets less than his older children.

We hope to provide for our children if we die through various means - insurance policies and savings and our investments etc. I have 3 children. If I name 2 of them on all of our insurance policies and then divide the rest of my estate between all 3, does my third child really have to say "ah that few hundred thousand the other 2 got doesn't matter - it was only insurance money"

Why should he discuss with the mother of his older children? He had a wife. they had a disabled daughter. Surely if you are going to give less to her on the basis that the state will be more likely to pick up the tab (and it was this to which I was replying) you'd at least discuss it with the mother of that child. No idea why you'd think he should discuss it with his ex - she has nothing to do with his daughter.

The dh in this case did a bad job in his estate planning. From the OP, it seems he didn't reveal the insurance policies to his solicitor either.

Panda81 · 27/05/2018 23:26

he insisted that he wanted to leave a large sum of money to his daughter. I had, albeit reluctantly, agreed.

I don't understand this bit. Like PP have asked, is there more than one daughter? Some parts of Ops posts are really unclear

Morsecode · 27/05/2018 23:32

@pallisers
Does it matter whether the additional money for the older children came from the estate or insurance policies?

Yes, it does.

Why should he discuss with the mother of his older children?

I'm glad you have realised the absurdity of your proposition that he should discuss with the mother of a child whom he provides for in a will.

The rest of your post is made up of suppositions and fabrications not mentioned by the OP or me.

User467 · 27/05/2018 23:37

I've re-read the OP a few times to try and understand the issue. So OP was reluctant to go to the solicitor initially because DH wanted to leave the money to the daughter rather than to her. She was then pissed off because while at the solicitors he said he also wanted to leave money directly to his older children rather than trusting her to leave them a "legacy". As for the insurance policies......they could have been taken out many years ago and what he did with his money before he met OP is nothing to do with her. There's also a lot of assumptions being made about the poor dd needing expensive additional care but there's actually very little from OP on of this is the case. We have no idea the extent of DD disabilities just that OP thoughts there might be treatment abroad.....maybe.

Mentioning the wealth of DH first family just show that OPfelt entitled to more than her share because they had other money and she doesn't actually say what the division was, just that she wanted more.

I think, from the limited info OP has actually given, her husband did the right thing

ADarkandStormyKnight · 27/05/2018 23:38

I got the impression that the OP wanted the money left to her as his wife. This would be the default position if there was no will.

AJPTaylor · 27/05/2018 23:38

He left you a house and money. You can pass that on in its entirety to your dd.
He has left other money to his dc and theres insurance in place. As pp have stated, prob set up years ago, possibly by ex wife.
I think you need to get over it

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7