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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 15:15

Funny how every poster on this thread seems to 'hate' their photo taken as if somebody was spraying pepper spray at them. It is a photo-will you lot get over yourselves, you really are not that important.

SardineReturns · 27/05/2018 15:16

Art at least 1 PP did say that they has some sympathy with the man.

ScreamingValenta · 27/05/2018 15:21

Funny how every poster on this thread seems to 'hate' their photo taken

No, they don't Confused

callmemaybe8 · 27/05/2018 15:25

@boilerhouse2007 that's easy to say, but in the age of social media those photos are viewable to everyone on the internet and some of us aren't comfortable with that.

Some of us also hate how we look, and seeing photos of ourselves can make us feel bad as often we look different to how we imagine ourselves in our heads. If you're a confident person then good for you, but try and imagine how it can be for those with anxieties about their appearance.

Bearhunter09 · 27/05/2018 15:28

Tbh unless it was just a couple of pictures I can understand him losing it a bit. Think you need to be s bit more self aware that your subjects might get really pissed off🛄. But he did go a bit far. But put the camera down it’s very intrusive

SoupDragon · 27/05/2018 15:28

It is a photo-will you lot get over yourselves, you really are not that important.

Neither is the photographer.

Bugjune · 27/05/2018 15:30

It is a photo-will you lot get over yourselves, you really are not that important.

Indeed, so unimportant in fact that we're not worth photographing in the first place. So don't!

ArtBrut · 27/05/2018 15:30

Oh, for God’s sake, if this thread shows anything, it’s surely that a lot of people hate having their photo taken in a way that is clearly incomprehensible to the people who think social events don’t count unless thoroughly photographed. To me that’s considerably weirder.

Tinkobell · 27/05/2018 15:31

Just cool it off and don't invite them to other stuff. Eventually penny might drop as to why.....by which point you probably won't care anyway.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2018 15:34

Art Yes!

Weird that some - SOME - on either side of the Social Snappery think the other is an unconscionable prick rather than just accepting we are all different and finding a happy compromise, without resorting to name calling and sneering!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 15:35

Only people needing to get over themselves are those who can’t respect a choice

DarlingNikita · 27/05/2018 15:37

But he did go a bit far

A bit far? Confused Hmm

Saying 'don't you dare take a photo of me again!' is a bit far?

Saying and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift is a bit far?

Laughing about how he broke someone's else's camera is a bit far?

I don't know what thuggish world you live in, but that is NOT the term I'd use for someone behaving like that.

ScattyCharly · 27/05/2018 15:40

Cut contact with both.

FannyFaceAche · 27/05/2018 15:49

It pisses me off when people are wandering around a party taking photos of people chatting. Leave me alone! It makes me feel super awkward and breaks up the conversation.

Having had my moan about that, I wouldn't have been so aggressive. Is this a DP of a mummy friend? I've always found mummy friendships a teensy bit shallow, not quite knowing them that well. If things are starting to add up that you are not liking who the friend really is, i. e. Seeing
their true colours, then it's probably time to move on. They won't change, neither will you, maybe you're not compatible as friends anymore.

FannyFaceAche · 27/05/2018 15:57

God, I sound weird. Didn't mean to imy I would be aggressive about someone taking my photo. I always just try and smile thru it. The DP was over the top and it would've made me feel threatened and peed off too as it's your party, your home etc. Sounds like he has some seriously bad manners. Are you implying something aggressive goes on at home for your friend and him OP? Or that your friend seems to have the same bad attitude?

FannyFaceAche · 27/05/2018 15:58

*imply

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 16:02

@fannyfaceache I know full well that she is the dominant personality and doesn't let anyone bully her. I could be wrong though and it could all be a front. I think it is more they have a similar perspective on the world

OP posts:
Pinga · 27/05/2018 16:03

I hate having my photo taken - particularly without my permission. I try to avoid going to events when there is anyone there who has a habit for endlessly taking photos so I likely wouldnt have accepted your party invite had we been friends.
His behaviour was OTT though.

butidontwannausemyhead · 27/05/2018 16:05

Funny how every poster on this thread seems to 'hate' their photo taken as if somebody was spraying pepper spray at them. It is a photo-will you lot get over yourselves, you really are not that important.

Exactly, I'm not important, that's partly why I don't want my photo taken. I don't feel the need to be in the photograph and I don't like photographs of myself, why should I have them because it's not like I'm being assaulted (aka pepper sprayed, using your weird comparison)?

It's about consent and autonomy-you sound like you need educating.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/05/2018 16:16

@ArtBrut Ok, but if you were at the OPs party as her guest, does your loathing of photography trump her desire to document her own birthday party? I guess that's what it comes down to - whose comfort trumps whose! [If it was your birthday party and you said absolutely no photos, then that would be fine. After all I'm sure you wouldn't want your guests to be so rude as to ignore your request at your own event?]

I don't do selfies myself, I think they are indulgent and each to their own, but I think documenting a private event is a normal activity for most.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 16:19

''If you're a confident person then good for you, but try and imagine how it can be for those with anxieties about their appearance.''

i'm anything but,hate my appearance, so much that i've been on every diet going, had surgery to fix things but still hate it, still never had a relationship in my 30s so believe me i'm far from beauty pageant material . But ffs i'm still not going on about having a photo taken of me like it's the end of the world.

Daddystepdaddy · 27/05/2018 16:24

I thought a photographer would have the good sense to ask for consent before taking photos. In these days of social media photos can be disseminated to thousands of people in seconds and the wrong photo (even just and unflattering one) can be damaging (for example if it becomes a meme).

Of course I would never say that someone being instantly aggressive is reasonable behaviour but I do wish that those who are snap happy took a little more care.

StaplesCorner · 27/05/2018 16:24

You do realise that this man was a guest in the OP's house don't you? And he behaved appallingly?

That the OP wasn't sticking hot pins into his eyes, or forcing him to eat ants, or demanding money? You know that she was taking photos, not threatening him with a baseball bat?

It's about consent and autonomy-you sound like you need educating. - was he doing the OP a favour standing in her garden being a dick? He had the autonomy to leave of course, but he quickly discovered he was able to control and intimidate the OP and from her description it looks like he enjoyed that aspect of it thoroughly.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/05/2018 16:25

@callmemaybe8 Some of us also hate how we look, and seeing photos of ourselves can make us feel bad as often we look different to how we imagine ourselves in our heads. If you're a confident person then good for you, but try and imagine how it can be for those with anxieties about their appearance.

I get that as I don't like photos of myself, but I don't stop others enjoying themselves at their own events because of it. I accept that it's my issue, because it's my feelings over my body. I accept that when I go to other people's social events I'm not in control if people snap general photos and I might be in the background. I AM in control if people want a staged photo of me with others and can refuse/walk away.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 27/05/2018 16:25

I hate my photo taken too but I've never felt the need to be aggressive and threatening to someone taking my picture.
Op he was a dick.
And yes you should have asked him to leave but I imagine it put you on the back foot being spoken to like that considering your background.
I wouldn't invite them again.