AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

[DontBreakMyCamera]

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

He was quite arsey and rather aggressive yes, and his behaviour was out of order and needs addressing.

I think you need to talk to this friend about this, and tell her you are sorry if her husband felt upset or angry, but you felt quite upset that he was quite aggressive with you.

Have to say though, I fucking HATE HATE HATE people taking my photo, unless I have make-up on, I have a decent outfit on, my hair looks OK, and I am ready for the picture to be taken. And as someone who has always struggled with my weight, (currently a bit chubby,) and who is not getting any younger (middle aged!) I prefer pics to be taken with MY camera so I can delete the horrible ones, and only post the OK or good ones.

I went to a dinner party about 2 years ago with DH, with about 15 people, and someone we know kept taking photos, and I was at the side of her (one person between us,) and she kept snapping off pics. I could have fucking knocked her out.

All the pics were from the side, and I knew they would be double chinny and gross - probably with me looking fucking huge. I ended up just pulling my collar around my face so my face didn't show properly every time I saw her pick her camera up, and it RUINED THE ENTIRE NIGHT for me.

In addition, even my husband occasionally takes photos of me when I don't know he is taking it, (like when I am washing up, or hanging out the washing,) because he 'thinks I look cute.' I don't. I look like a scruffy, double-chinny fat cunt with saggy tits and a massive arse, (IMO.) It makes me very angry when he takes unsolicited photos of me. I grab his camera and instantly delete the pics.

Just coz he is my husband, that does NOT give him the right to take unsolicited photos of me. He thought it was hilarious to FILM me when I was putting the washing out the other week, and I was FURIOUS, because I looked gross. He said I looked 'cute.' I did not.

Unless you are switching on your camera and saying 'hey everyone SMILE!' and everyone is aware you are taking a photo, and is OK with it, just fuck off with your fucking camera!

Sorry to be rude and harsh OP, and YANBU to be a bit peeved/put out, but this man was not being unreasonable to be pissed off with you taking lots of photos. Why did you not just take half a dozen posed 'group shots' and several of the kids playing?

Why take so many and make people feel uncomfortable? As has been said, it's intrusive and invasive and rude to keep taking photographs of people when they're trying to relax and enjoy themselves.

All that said though, his threatening manner is out of order, and needs addressing...

''the wrong photo (even just and unflattering one) can be damaging (for example if it becomes a meme)''

You likely have more chance of winning the euromillions for a month running and marrying royalty than your pic becoming a meme. Of all the billions of pics taken annually of ordinary ppl how many become memes??

“I don’t like having my photo taken” seems to be the same sentiment as the Mumsnet “I’m an introvert” line of thinking which is generally an excuse to avoid developing social skills and frankly be a bit difficult.

My mum takes loads of photos at events to hide her shyness. She is really kind and sweet but really struggles with shyness. I get pretty impatient at social events being held up for photos but I have a lot of empathy for people who find life much easier behind the lens (& I’m not saying that’s you either!) because of her.

Her husband is a moron. You did nothing wrong. It was YOUR birthday party. Cut off contact and spend your time on the friends that value your time and good intentions.

I think you’re overreacting hugely.

Also what has your height/ his height got to do with it??
I’m 5’3’’ - so what? That comment makes you seem a bit “oh poor little me” - I’m not keen on that ‘defenceless little wonan’ attitude...especially from women themselves.
He probably could have been slightly more polite - but how annoying to have a camera in your face constantly. You seem a bit of a victim if I’m being truthful...

how annoying to have a camera in your face constantly

Did you miss the bit where the OP says 'I took 15 photos in total... I only took one of him from about 3 metres away'?

He probably could have been slightly more polite Love all the qualifiers. What is, out of interest, 'slightly more polite' than saying 'don't you dare', issuing a threat and flaunting his history of criminal damage? Omitting one of them?

He "probably" could have been "slightly" more polite?? Luisa27 you have low standards.

which is generally an excuse to avoid developing social skills and frankly be a bit difficult.

Rubbish.

Except it is a lot easier to control when and where your image exists on the internet if you prevent the photos being taken. How do you know that that particular individual has not had an issue with their image being on the internet before?

Is your friend sure her dp isn't up to no good.

I despair OP. There are some people here who think their tender 'don't photograph me!' sensitivity gives them carte-blanche to be rude.

In what world is it acceptable to be talked to like this by someone who is in YOUR garden, eating YOUR food and drinking YOUR drinks? Upon reflection, I'd have just thrown the lot of them out.

Darling and Chuffing

Didn’t miss any of the OP - I read it all very carefully 👍

But do excuse me if I take everything OP said with a huge pinch of Maldon...sorry the “I’m only 5’2” “ bit did it for me.
As I said I’m 5’3” - SO WHAT?? 😂

Victim mentality written all over this post - it makes women look like ‘poor little poppets’ against the ‘big 6’2” nasty man’

Please - you’re a grown woman stop acting like a tit 😱

OP sounds like a bit of a tit actually

😂😂😂....why thank you boiler

You seem delightful too..

I read it all very carefully

Well, the info I cited was in a subsequent post by the OP, not her OP (IYSWIM!), so perhaps you didn't read that quite so carefully? I don't think you can have, looking at how you've mischaracterised her behaviour.

Is victim mentality a bit like people who can't take "banter"? And the types of snowflakes who find sexist jokes offensive? I think I agree with a pp opinion of the type of person who throws things back to the woman as the person at fault! Good call boilerhouse!

...,out of interest OP - would his surly request have been less ‘threatening’ if he’d been a mere 5’2” and you were a towering Amozonian 6’ ??

What utter nonsense 😂

"A huge pinch of Maldon"?
There's definitely a tit on this post, and it's not the OP Luisa27

jaxhog exactly! Its not actually the norm to be extremely anti photo especially at an occasion like a birthday party which people generally want to record in some way.
Fair enough obv to not want your photo taken and to ask politely to not have it taken... its not fair enough to assume that there will be no photos and to get angry if someone takes your photo when you havent mentioned that you dont want photos taken of you. Thats bonkers. Especially if you are sat there in that persons house eating their food etc...

Im a vegetarian.. I dont really like seeing meat... would I go to someones house and shout at them because there was meat there?
Of course bloody not because not everyone is veggie and they are well within their rights to cook whatever they want in their own home... Id be fine to ask not to eat it... but to expect it not to be there at all and not to even see it or be offered it... ridiculous! Someone who didnt know i was veggie might pass me some food with meat in.... should I scream at them never to do that again and threaten them with violence? i mean wtf..... If you are on someones property accepting their hospitality it is ridiculous to assume that your preferences will automatically be considered without you actually saying anything to anyone. If you dont like photos being taken you need to politely say something about that or just leave.

Not at all JJ - but I do feel ‘victim mentality’ is often peddled by a certain type of woman who plays the ‘poor little me, I’m only 5’2”’ card.

It really weakens her argument and makes a mockery of equality

Embarrassing

But hey - it’s great to hear everyone elses’ opinions on this - that’s the whole point of AIBU - right?

Ahahaha - good one Chuffing 👌

Mmmmmh, I would have liked to have heard an independent account of what happened by someone else there. It’s all about context and nuances. OP claims that it was said aggressively and menacing but who knows if it really was. I have come across incessant snappers at parties and they often have zero awareness of just how much they annoy others. It can be very self-centred and arsey to stick a lens in everyone’s face. Like your photography trumps the comfort and enjoyment of others. This reminds me very much of a self-proclaimed photographer in our wider circle of friends who really irritated many of us by hovering around constantly with her camera. She was asked a few times, really politely to stop but she took no notice whatsoever and was utterly oblivious to how much she annoyed people. She used to send and tag people in photos too. Generally, people are too polite to say anything and just like you, she assumed people enjoyed her pictures. After continuing to photograph one friend who was really unwell and wanted to be left in peace, she eventually snapped and told her to fecking stop sticking the camera in her face. Cue much self-righteous indignation and a uncannily similar story as yours. So yeah, on the surface it sounds outrageous that this guy and his partner were apparently so aggressive but perhaps you omitted the build-up to it and glossed over your own unreasonable behaviour. They were your guests not photography subjects.

Hahahahahaha. Right back atcha Luisa 👍

ok so if the foot 2 man came and challenged her physically which he was heavily inferring then it's fair game???

I say this too as a 6 foot 15 stone man who gyms it up believes in equality and believe if a woman attacks a man he has every right to defend himself [ofcourse within reason] but also stands against needless aggression and violence...

....oh bravo Temptress !

Very eloquently put