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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 14:14

@boilerhouse2007 No idea unfortunately. Apparently not worth the air to talk about them

OP posts:
butidontwannausemyhead · 27/05/2018 14:14

You shouldn't presume permission but he didn't need to be so aggressive, he could have just politely have asked you not to and to add a further threatening side note too was not on. He sounds like a dick and his partner was probably agreeing out of submission.

RavenWings · 27/05/2018 14:16

What a cunt he is, I'd have kicked him out. And the bitch of a wife is no better, laughing about the camera breaking story to try and intimidate you. She's no friend.

If he didn't want his photo taken, that's fine, but he should have acted like an adult and said so.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 14:17

I am not saying brickies are chavs, i am saying jeremy kyle ppl are chavs-you taken my quote out of context.

Actually though you will find research shows that today people will marry others based on their education- ie. it is more common for educated to marry educated. Class still plays a big part in the modern world.

ArtBrut · 27/05/2018 14:22

His behaviour was unacceptable, no question. But as this thread shows, many of us find people snapping away when we are unguarded hugely intrusive. Surely you’re aware of this? And that people shouldn’t have to draw you aside and ask you not to photograph them, as some kind of special measure?

I am a laid back person, but would have found a gathering where the hostess was wandering about continually snapping as I was eating and talking absolutely unbearable. And while not condoning for one second the way this man reacted, it’s perfectly possible you also might have found my reaction over the top, if you approached me again with a camera after I’d made it clear I didn’t want to be photographed, especially in such a small gathering in a small space.

DarlingNikita · 27/05/2018 14:23

would have found a gathering where the hostess was wandering about continually snapping as I was eating and talking absolutely unbearable.

Nice hyperbole, but the OP says 'I took 15 photos in total'.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 14:24

@boilerhouse2007 not chavs. Both are highly educated. One used to be a teacher and the other has a PhD.

I know what you mean though - my family are full of thugs and they marry similar. I'm one of three out of 30 cousins to go to uni and get out of the drama that is my family

OP posts:
LittleMermaidRose · 27/05/2018 14:29

I don't understand how some of you can say that OP is in the wrong??

I don't like having my picture taken either but at a celebration, I would expect it was going to happen.
It seems like he was extremely intimidating, there was no need for it whatsoever. I think it's perfectly reasonable for you not to see them again. Trust your instinct.

teaandtoast · 27/05/2018 14:30

Agree, @ArtBrut - means you can't relax at all.

ShawshanksRedemption · 27/05/2018 14:31

I'm surprised at the amount of people saying they would ask not to be included in private family/friend photos. Everyone bar none has had photos taken of them that they didn't like. Even if blessed in the genetics dept, there can still be bad photos of people pulling funny faces at awkward times (it's why photographers take 100s of shots just for that one). Bad photos - it happens because that's reality.

I can however completely understand people not wanting photos put up onto social media.There may be very compelling reasons why, from adopted kids, abusive ex-partners or family etc, so it's about keeping safe.

Having said all that, in THIS instance, from what the OP has said, she was not unreasonable to capture the moment of HER birthday party in HER house, and the friend's partner was totally unreasonable in his approach to her over it. The friends knew that she had been a professional photographer in a past life and had been happy to accept her taking photos in the past. The man's aggression has an element of control about it, and I don't think you need "friends" like that.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 14:33

He sounds like a bully tbh and no threatening somebody is not funny or use in jest. The fact you husband is not keen on them too says alot. Some ppl are just shitheads.

There is being assertive and then there is being a downright thug. OP stay well away, the fact that this wife was not mortified at his behaviour speaks volumes.

twirlywho · 27/05/2018 14:36

He sounds like an utter ballbag and I'd never see him again. If they come as a pair I'd fuck them both off.

Wouldn't be surprised if he was a violent/ controlling partner. If course she could just be another ballbag...

derxa · 27/05/2018 14:41

He sounds awful and you sound annoying OP.

Bugjune · 27/05/2018 14:43

I've (politely) asked not to be photographed on many, many occasions, years of bullying has left me with a horrendous opinion of my face. Sadly the popularity of social media showboating means that most gatherings these days are awash with friggin' David Baileys brandishing their iPhones.

The only time I ever get stroppy is if my pleas are ignored, that's only happened a couple of times thankfully.

Your guest had every right to not be photographed but had absolutely no right to speak to you in such a menacing manner. I'd be inclined to give both him and his wife a wide birth in future.

Usernameunknown2 · 27/05/2018 14:47

I hate having my picture taken but this man was aggressive and threatening and so was his wife by agreeing with it. At best they have no social skills and shit sense of humour, at worse they are bullies and shits. Given that this is the icing on the cake im going with the latter.

I would get rid too OP, i have standards when it comes to my friends and wouldnt accept this. I would be more aware in future though and ask before taking photos even if its just a 'do you mind if i take some natural shots through the night?' In case they dont want it.

user1457017537 · 27/05/2018 14:48

I don’t think he should have threatened you, but I don’t think you have the right to take photos of people without their permission.

lynmilne65 · 27/05/2018 14:49

Agree with JJs

BoneyBackJefferson · 27/05/2018 14:50

I have honestly never heard anyone in real life say 'I don't like my photo being take, please stop/don't/delete it' and I've been to 100's of social events.

I regularly ask photographers not to take my photo. So it does happen.
I have also had to remind photographers that once my permission has been removed they can't just keep snapping away to their hearts content.

ArtBrut · 27/05/2018 14:57

It’s got nothing to do with social media vs ‘private’ photographs, Shawshank — I’m not on social media, so I have no idea what people post, and very little interest — or to do with worrying about a bad shot. I simply loathe having my photograph taken in a visceral way, the way some people dislike spiders or seeing clusters of small holes, and I don’t see that someone else’s liking for wandering about snapping trumps my desire not to be photographed. It’s a far from unusual preference.

butidontwannausemyhead · 27/05/2018 14:58

I also ask people not to take my photo and people think I'm joking and do it anyway. It really pisses me off.

ArtBrut · 27/05/2018 15:02

Yes, but. In my experience, that’s far from unusual. I suppose if you are the type who can’t have a wee without documenting it with a duck face selfie, that position is baffling...

StaplesCorner · 27/05/2018 15:08

OK so how about we say the twat guest has no right to be in the OP's house if he's going to be rude? I think that trumps the photo business. So maybe the Ops' only mistake was to not throw him out the minute he started that shit.

StaplesCorner · 27/05/2018 15:10

In fact, if this poor man was so upset he couldn't keep his temper, WTAF didn't he just leave? Course, then he'd miss the opportunity to control a woman in her own home, but hey, you have to sympathise with the poor camera shy sweetheart.

callmemaybe8 · 27/05/2018 15:13

It does sound like he was a bit OTT and shouldn't have behaved quite like that, he should have said he didn't want his photo taken and laughed it off.

But coming from someone who also hates having photos taken, it is bloody annoying when someone goes around taking pictures without asking if people are okay with it first. I hate it, and feel really anxious about photos so that situation wouldn't be great for me. Maybe ask people before taking snaps in future

ArtBrut · 27/05/2018 15:13

But no one is sympathising with him, Staples. His behaviour was aggressive and unacceptable. Some people are pointing out that they would find the OP’s behaviour difficult and intrusive.