Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel upset about being threatened at my birthday

389 replies

DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 11:46

So it was my birthday party yesterday - it basically involved two of my mummy friends coming around with their kids and partner, as well as a uni friend to enjoy the garden with food, tea and cake.

As a background I used to be a photographer in a past life (so name change as I don't want to be found out) so love taking photos at any opportunity, especially my birthday celebrations .

Everyone who knows me knows that I love my camera and taking photos - this includes the partners as I send them photos of their kids that I have taken and then they have used them on Facebook etc.

So it is early on in the party when I'm happy taking photos when I take one of my friend and her husband just chilling and he in what felt like a very aggressive manner "don't you dare take a photo of me again!"

Now as a photographer I have always respected people's wishes and even actively shown me deleting an image of they did not feel comfortable with it or made sure to avoid taking their photo of they have politely asked.

This just shocked me as I'm only 5"2 and he's going on 6"2 but what followed did even more. He then in a hushed tone went "and that was me asking nicely if you get my drift" before sitting down with his wife and they laughed about how he broke someone's else's very expensive camera when they didn't get the point (all said while giving me a very pointed look).

I come from an emotionally abusive background so I tend to think me opinion and feelings don't matter so just played nice hostess and walked away.

Later when I felt OK to be taking photos again I went to take photos of two of the girls playing when he was near by - he at this point picked up a ball almost like in a threatening manner incase I turned to take a photo of him.

Let's just say I put down my camera for the rest of the party which for me is heart breaking (it is what I love doing and helps with my memory) and made me feel very threatened in my own home at my own birthday party.

When my husband asked if I enjoyed myself I said yes other than when the friends husband basically threatened to break my camera and that my friend just sat there agreeing about his past behaviour concerning this. He said wished he had heard it so he would have kicked him out.

A few hours later he tells me it has been playing on his mind and he doesn't want me to see any of them though this is just the cherry on top to why.

If he's happy to threaten me and my stuff at my own birthday party, what sort of behaviour or attitude will he feel free to have towards me and my family in other situations. I don't want to go around their house now and it is making me feel uncomfortable with what my friend thinks is acceptable behaviour. There are other things that have slowly been changing how I see her but this really shock me and realised that she and her husband are very aggressive towards things that don't fit in with their view or opinions.

AIBU in wanting to agree with my husband and not see them again? And if so what do you even say in that situation!

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 13:37

''I have honestly never heard anyone in real life say 'I don't like my photo being take, please stop/don't/delete it' and I've been to 100's of social events. Usually if a photo is being taken, people laugh, come together, might put their arms around each other, sigh a bit, one person might duck out. But it's not uncommon and I don't think it's rude either, it's a normal social interaction IMO.''

Yes you are right but as always the posters on AIBU seem miraculously to live in a different reality from the rest of the world...

crunchymint · 27/05/2018 13:38

My DP frequently says it very politely.

Emmageddon · 27/05/2018 13:39

He sounds horrible. Aggressive and intimidating behaviour is never okay. As for taking photos, every single event I've been to in recent years has been documented in photographic form by various people, and I've never known anyone get upset about it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 27/05/2018 13:39

Yes he was out of order,boorish and threatening.
Simply cut contact,don’t make a deal of it.dont elaborate on reason
Mummy friends is a ghastly term. Surely they are acquaintances?

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 13:39

''Glad I'm not the only one who thought it was a little out of order.

It was massively not little out of order and do not listen to some of the posts here because some posters here chat absolute shit and will always turn against the op.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 13:40

I think yesterday's incident gave you a snapshot of this guy's character along with his thuggish wife...

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 13:41

''I have honestly never heard anyone in real life say 'I don't like my photo being take, please stop/don't/delete it' and I've been to 100's of social events. Usually if a photo is being taken, people laugh, come together, might put their arms around each other, sigh a bit, one person might duck out. But it's not uncommon and I don't think it's rude either, it's a normal social interaction IMO.''

Ditto.

Suresurelah · 27/05/2018 13:43

Yes, he may not of liked having his picture taken (although you did say that your friends etc know that this is something that you like to do) but his reaction was disproportionate.

He MADE you feel uncomfortable in your own home is not right.

Also, the very fact that he again was aggressive speaks volumes.

PastBananas · 27/05/2018 13:43

It was your party for your birthday in your own home and you were taking photos.

You had every right to do that.

He is a nasty piece of work. Can't help wondering what he is like at home with his nearest and dearest. Is he an aggressive bully with them too? Wouldn't surprise me at all.

Longdistance · 27/05/2018 13:46

I hate having my photo taken (well, because I’m normally on the other end of the camera).

It’s the threatening tone that wouldn’t bode well with me. But, op you missed the moment to ask him to Foxtrot Oscar home.

TooTrueToBeGood · 27/05/2018 13:48

Even on your property you were rude taking photos of them without permission

No, she wasn't. If people have a phobia about being photographed that is their problem to deal with. They can ask nicely not to be photographed. They can avoid social settings where photographs are likely. They can get therapy. They can't expect anyone with a camera to proactively and explicitly ask everyone who might be in shot for permission. They can't expect to be excused for reacting in an agrressive or abusive manner to anyone who points a camera at them. Having a phobia can be hard but it doesn't give the sufferer the right to behave like a cunt or expect the rest of the population to bend to them.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 13:49

Considering his wife seemed to agree with him damaging a different photographer's camera and even commend his actions, I don't know if there is any bullying going on between them at home. Could be wrong though.

OP posts:
Flyme21 · 27/05/2018 13:49

Don't take notice of anyone trying to insinuate that this was your fault. He is a nasty piece of work. All he had to do was to ask politely if you'd mind not taking any of him. In your own home it's perfectly understandable that you might take photos of your happy day. I wouldn't see them again and if your friend asks why tell her - Your partner threatened me at my party and ruined the day for me. I'll never risk being in that situation with him again. Rinse and repeat to over-ride any protests.

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 13:50

Foxtrot Oscar home is my new favourite thing! Totally going to use it!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 27/05/2018 13:51

A man who behaves like that to a friend/acquaintance is likely to be a bully at home. It may have been easier for his wife to support him than risk his wrath. Or she may be as unpleasant as him I guess.

ChuffingNorah · 27/05/2018 13:53

Sounds like a big man throwing his weight around in your home. A simple " please don't take my picture " would have sufficed.
I would be having a word with your friend along the lines of .."I didn't want to make a fuss at the time, but just so you know, your OH made me feel very uncomfortable in my own home. If he was trying to be funny, I missed the joke".

emmyrose2000 · 27/05/2018 13:55

Considering his wife seemed to agree with him damaging a different photographer's camera and even commend his actions, I don't know if there is any bullying going on between them at home. Could be wrong though

Sometimes like attracts like. This sounds like one of those times.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2018 13:57

Ooh! Those of you who are 100% convinced that noboday EVER asked a photographer at a social gathering not to take their picture... stop calling me (and others) a liar!

I don't make a fuss about it but I do ask, I walk out of pictures, hide behind the camera and all the other 'disapearing' tricks I can think of because most people just think I am joking, or that their desire to take my picture trumps my desire not to be photographed. Over the years I have asked for quite a few pictures of me to be taken off facebook - usualy with a 'cute' quote about having caught the Elusive Curious in a stupid pose. I have even thrown an absolute strop when PoisonousSIL had cards with my picture on, as a 'surprise' for my 30th birthday - and yes she did it because I don't like having my picture taken, the little message inside said so!

Everyone I know is fully aware that I REALLY don't like having my picture taken. But I am never rude about it (apart from PoisonousSIL) and would never expect a birthday party to be camera free, or for anyone to ask permission. In that circumstance I'd just use a disappearing trick!

So, you see, some of us do object, ask not to be pictured, to have pictres deleted. We do exist - but I doubt m/any of us would be as aggressive as OPs 'friend'

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 13:59

op can you give us any onfo on what your dh meant by the cherry on top?

Original poster
DontBreakMyCamera · 27/05/2018 14:00

@looptiles my husband doesn't like her attitude with him and voiced his dislike of her behaviour at the party before this (still hasn't told me what she did though but I think compared to feeling threatened by her husband it was small fry).

OP posts:
boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 14:04

''Sometimes like attracts like. This sounds like one of those times.''

Actually research shows this is the common pattern in relationships, the opposite attracts is a bit of a myth. People will generally be attracted to people with the same values and ideals as them and generally most like them and they make the best couples for lasting together.Suppose that is why you never never a Jeremy kyle chav figure marry a rich middle class doctor. It is when opposites attract that relationships will fail.

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/05/2018 14:09

Bloody hell, boilerhouse!

boilerhouse2007 · 27/05/2018 14:11

CuriousaboutSamphire what?

VogueVVague · 27/05/2018 14:11

@boilerhouse2007
Absolute shit. I have a friend who's a court interpreter and her husband is a brickie, happily marriwd with kids. And hes not a "chav'.