To be fed up of being spoken to like this

[puzzled90]

I have posted a couple of times under various different names but I am so fed up I wanted to put some of the issues all in one place.

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b and if i don't sort my act out he's going. The background to this is:

DC is nearly 2. We both work full time. He works shifts (mixture of days and night including weekends), I work mon-fri in quite a demanding office job. DC goes to daycare 5 days a week.

DC does like to be picked up a lot and generally when they ask I pick them up. Dh does not. For this he says I am ruining DC and there is no need for them to be picked up. It doesn't stop me getting anything done, dinners are still cooked and the house cleaned with DC attached to me somehow. If not being picked up DC will follow me round the house and 'help' with chores. Dh again says this is wrong because DC should be able to entertain themselves instead of not letting me get in with stuff.

I have only left dc overnight once, and that was a couple of weekends ago for our 4th anniversary. We don't have a lot of support (my parents are elderly, DH's not in the best of health) so we have to ask DH's sister to help. This is apparently a sign I don't trust anyone else. We have left dc for days out together (football games, events, random meals out) I also work from home 1 day a week and if dh is not on shift we spend time together then or I take time off work to spend a day with him.

Nursery pick up and drops offs are also an argument. I do the majority of drop offs in the morning tho there are 2 weeks in 5 dh can do them. I ask to pick DC up once a week as dh normally does this but apparently this is also very selfish and I just should just leave pick ups to him.

I didn't want to give up DC's dummy or bottle at night as it helped DC get to sleep at night (was only having water in bottle). After several screaming rows I agreed to take these away. It can now take DC up to an hour to go to sleep as they are not very good at self settling. This is my fault as it what i have done to them. I'm also not allowed to rub DC's back to help comfort them to sleep

If DC wakes in the night I am not allowed to go and see to them. Admittedly I did use to run in as soon as DC murmered (post bagel anxiety) but now I do let dc stir a bit if they are really upset I will go and see them. Again this is wrong and i should just let them cry. I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

These are just some of the issues but it's really getting to me now as I don't feel I am doing a terrible job but obviously he does

Well I guess actually I suspect the main issue is you have enormously different parenting styles, and keep fighting about it

Your posts don't make him sound abusive.

Current recommendations from the NHS and dentists are to lose dummy at 1 so thank you for your anecdotal stories, if you want to use a dummy until 4 that's fine, but the dad is hardly abusive for following current medical advice!

I think it's sad a dad is being called abusive for wanting to pick up his child from nursery and sit and watch a film with his 2 year old.

Oh - my DS had two bottles a day till he was 4. With a sippy cup lid but still bottles. If anyone commented I would reply I would worry if he was still wanting them going to college.

He is abusive for screaming and shouting and trying to control how the OP parents their child.

Of course recommendations are to lose dummy by 1 year. But they are just recommendations. And yes some teeth will be affected and some won’t.

It is the MANNER in which he is trying to instill his way or the highway which makes him abusive.

My twins are a few months off 2 - I would like to see my DH try and stop me from going to them in the night or picking them up when they want to be picked up. It wouldn’t be pretty. Your child is 2 FFS, not 14. They still need you a lot. I’d tell him to leave - you’ll be much happier without him.

The op sounds like she actually isn't interested in his viewpoint either and the pair of them are trying to parent differently and BOTH force their parenting style on the other and BOTH engaging in screaming rows when they don't agree. They both appear to resentfully cave ocassionally to the other persons method but there doesn't seem to be any agreement or compromise

The fact the child is happier when alone with each parent speaks volumes really.

He is controlling/abusive.
And I suspect that your ds is ‘better’ with your H because he has learnt that daddy will not pick me up or give me any attention so has given up. It doesn’t mean that your ds doesn’t it though. Or that your H is better at this parenting stuff and knows what he is talking about.

It looks like he is playing on all the areas he knows are going to touch you. So moan about not doing bath time or you picking dc up from ursery. But when it comes to actually doing (eg bath time), then he isn’t there. His games are more important than his son.

I think you know it’s not right and that your H is really neither a DH nor a great father.
Keep up with the counselling on your own. Don’t involve him in it (you never want to have counselling with an abuser. They are very good at twisting things and showing themselves in the best light).

Double what is abusive is NOT taking the dummy away.
It’s shouting at the OP, forcing her to take the dummy away to then just have a right go because whatever she then did wasn’t good enough again. All the while not proposing ANY solution to help settle the child and not doing ANYTHING about it.

What is also utterly wrong is that he now has put HIS SON is very uncomfortable position, one where the child is getting distressed, can’t sleep etc... but wants to have nothing to do with it. But still want to the right to criticise the way the OP is doing things.

I have to say, if H had been behaving that way, my answer would have been ‘Great! You seem to know what you are doing. Just get up during the night and deal with him’

You need to really hear whats normal. My dh is medically trained but would never have interfered in what l did with our dc. Everything you want to do is normal . Why are you arguing? Just do it and ignore him.
I would stck with the plan of him picking dc up.
But long term you cannot stick this and its bad for your child. Imagine what it will be like when dc tries to play one of you against another. Your dh is a cruel man and not a fit father. I wouldn't have him even be alone woth dc if he cant comfort him when he is upset. Are his parents monsters?
Who made him an authority on children.

Your posts don't make him sound abusive.

He sounds like a classic abusive man, even down to following "the script" of telling OP she is "mental".

This isn't about different parenting styles, this is ALL about control. His control. He's threatened to leave, but he has no intention of leaving, because he would lose that control. The threat is just another way to control OP.

Even if OP did every single thing the way her abuser tells her to do them, he would simply find another stick to beat her with.

Your advise is actually very dangerous advice to give to someone being abused. I suggest you educate yourself on abusive relationships.

He sounds horrible OP, a real bully. Why won't he pick his child up? That's so mean!

@Motoko ah how simple life would be if you could just frame someone as an 'abuser' based on one side of the the story and ignore any unhelpful behaviour YOU might be doing to contribute to the problem. I've ready Lundy Bancroft's book, it a brilliant book which is very interesting. I can't see 'classic' abuse in this post. I can see two parents with different parenting ideas shouting at each other and not compromising though. Hey I'm not there, maybe he is horribly abusive, but I really think there is enough evidence in the op to suggest that she is also being controlling and they are at loggerheads.

Look I'm going to give up now but honestly op try and have a non shouty conversation with him and try and compromise. You got married for a reason, children test you, see if you can talk some of this stuff out and come up with a more balanced way or parenting together.

It sounds to me like dh is jealous of dc. I know that it's not easy but I ask yourself if both you and dc are happier when dh is not home. If the answer is yes then you know what to do. Life is too short.

Please don’t leave your 2 yr old to cry at night. Unless your DH holds you down, I don’t see how he can stop you. If he holds you down, then leave him. Otherwise, have a talk with DH. You are providing most of the care here. Try to work out compromises but if he won’t do this you’ll need to re think this.

Oh for goodness sake! If this was solely about a difference in parenting style then the couple would discuss it rationally. They would come to an agreeable decision together on how to parent, so that all concerned were happy and not feeling pressured into doing something that caused distress. One party would not be issuing instructions to the other or threatening to leave. And he would not call her mental either.

The way he talks to you is disgusting. You are not mental for seeing a counsellor. You obviously are dealing with an insane situation where the the person who is supposed to love you and your DC doesn't actually care about either of you. Let him go and enjoy the peace and toddler cuddles...says me with my own limpet child

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b and if i don't sort my act out he's going.

Fucking hell! Pack his bags for him and change the locks as soon as he's gone. What a vile, vile man. Seriously, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for your DC. He is a cruel parent. CRUEL. Please protect your little ones from this vile man.