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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of being spoken to like this

141 replies

puzzled90 · 23/05/2018 21:38

I have posted a couple of times under various different names but I am so fed up I wanted to put some of the issues all in one place.

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b and if i don't sort my act out he's going. The background to this is:

DC is nearly 2. We both work full time. He works shifts (mixture of days and night including weekends), I work mon-fri in quite a demanding office job. DC goes to daycare 5 days a week.

DC does like to be picked up a lot and generally when they ask I pick them up. Dh does not. For this he says I am ruining DC and there is no need for them to be picked up. It doesn't stop me getting anything done, dinners are still cooked and the house cleaned with DC attached to me somehow. If not being picked up DC will follow me round the house and 'help' with chores. Dh again says this is wrong because DC should be able to entertain themselves instead of not letting me get in with stuff.

I have only left dc overnight once, and that was a couple of weekends ago for our 4th anniversary. We don't have a lot of support (my parents are elderly, DH's not in the best of health) so we have to ask DH's sister to help. This is apparently a sign I don't trust anyone else. We have left dc for days out together (football games, events, random meals out) I also work from home 1 day a week and if dh is not on shift we spend time together then or I take time off work to spend a day with him.

Nursery pick up and drops offs are also an argument. I do the majority of drop offs in the morning tho there are 2 weeks in 5 dh can do them. I ask to pick DC up once a week as dh normally does this but apparently this is also very selfish and I just should just leave pick ups to him.

I didn't want to give up DC's dummy or bottle at night as it helped DC get to sleep at night (was only having water in bottle). After several screaming rows I agreed to take these away. It can now take DC up to an hour to go to sleep as they are not very good at self settling. This is my fault as it what i have done to them. I'm also not allowed to rub DC's back to help comfort them to sleep

If DC wakes in the night I am not allowed to go and see to them. Admittedly I did use to run in as soon as DC murmered (post bagel anxiety) but now I do let dc stir a bit if they are really upset I will go and see them. Again this is wrong and i should just let them cry. I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

These are just some of the issues but it's really getting to me now as I don't feel I am doing a terrible job but obviously he does

OP posts:

SheSellSeaShells · 24/05/2018 07:24

I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them

Fuck that!! He's the controlling tosser. Also I suspect he's jealous of the child or your relationship with them. He sounds like it's his way or the highway.... please choose the highway and put your child first, he'll erode all your self respect and confidence away otherwise!

Quartz2208 · 24/05/2018 07:27

He is being cruel and abusive to a 2 year old. Your 2 year old. How do you think he will be when they are older. He is stopping you parenting how you want and is nasty to you

Op how would he stop you going - physically restrain you

Juells · 24/05/2018 07:37

@Quartz2208

Op how would he stop you going - physically restrain you

I wondered that too. Would he grab you and force you to sit there rather than going to the baby? You don't have to do what someone else tells you, you know, in your own home. Or rather...you shouldn't have to, and if you do there's something seriously wrong with him.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/05/2018 07:43

Your bf is cruel and setting you up to fail,no woman should start a sentence with I’m not allowed
He limits you and your interaction with your children,imposing strict perverse criteria
Do disclose his behaviour and how he talks to you to your therapist get advice
Do you want to leave him?

ConciseandNice · 24/05/2018 07:43

He’s abusing you. You need objective space and time in order to see quite how badly. Please see a solicitor as quickly as possible and start organising things.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 24/05/2018 07:48

You are all reading it differently. He is trying to do what's best for the child as OP is doing some very odd things

BakedBeans47 · 24/05/2018 07:50

He is trying to do what's best for the child as OP is doing some very odd things

No she isn’t.

TheyCanGoInTheBucket · 24/05/2018 07:52

Nope. We're not reading it differently, you are whatshallidonow

He's abusing her and DC. End of.

sonjadog · 24/05/2018 08:03

He is being cruel to a 2 year old. He is abusive to you. I think you should take him up on his offer to move out.

scarbados · 24/05/2018 08:06

You're behaving like a good parent. Your DH isn't behaving like any kind of parent. He's acting like a complete areshole. Both you and your DC would be much better away from him. Please get advice about leaving because this is serious abuse of you and the baby.

Juells · 24/05/2018 08:09

@Whatshallidonowpeople
He is trying to do what's best for the child as OP is doing some very odd things

Are you her husband? I can't see any other reason for that post. She's behaving absolutely normally - the only thing she'd doing wrong is allowing someone to stop her going to her child.

veggiethrower · 24/05/2018 08:18

Sounds horrendous.
What options would you have if you left him/threw him out?

The child is 2 years old not 7 or 8.
I think it's much better for a 2 year old to be doing thinks around the house with you and communicating with you and learning through these activities than sitting gormlessly in front of the television watching films with your 'D'H.

Tinkobell · 24/05/2018 08:22

It sounds to me like since the arrival of your DC you have not established a proper new status quo moving from a couple to a family. For certain, your DH has got some serious bonding issues with your DC and that is a huge concern that requires IMMEDIATE attention. Do you know why that might be?
I don't blame you, but I wonder if you've allowed your DH a proper 'look in' on bonding with your DC or if you've always leapt in first and not let him spend time caring for his child without you looming or commenting?
Now the other side of the coin could be that your DH is plain jealous of the DC....again very very concerning. Jealously rears its head with the kind of ugly language you use in your opening thread. Why might that be?
I think you have to seek professional counselling and rapidly so. Don't delay. The behaviours are really worrying and the language and feelings are hard to retract once said.

Tinkobell · 24/05/2018 08:24

The physical holding back of you is really horrible. Abusive. You've got to act.

TinyTear · 24/05/2018 08:31

I don't normally say this but LTB!

My 3yo still wakes in the night sometimes, i lie with her and she goes to sleep quicky holding my hand

This bastard not even letting you rub the kid's back? WTF???

You will be better off without him

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 24/05/2018 08:34

'best for the child?'

WTF? Her two year old sounds like an entirely normal 2 year old - mine have both been like this, and now they're both perfectly fine 7 and 4 year olds who go to bed just fine, rarely wake (and if I do we go to them or they come to us), can play alone etc. Nothing she's doing is 'weird' or unusual, or damaging.

LoislovesStewie · 24/05/2018 08:35

Please, please get rid of him. He is abusive and it will only get worse. You and your child deserve better.

DoubleRamsey · 24/05/2018 08:38

Erm so back in the real world

I think he is right that a 2 year old shouldn't be following you around or need to be picked up constantly, and how often are they crying at night? If it's once in a blue moon then obviously go in and comfort them, but if it's multiple times a night every night then they are probably horribly sleep deprived and you probably do need to do some sleep training. Sleep training won't work if you constantly sabotage it (which I suspect from your posts you are doing) A dummy and bottle are not appropriate for a two year old - it damages their teeth.

Do you also give in to tantrums? This kids seems like it rules the roost a bit.

I'm not there op he may be an abusive arse, but actually I think you perhaps need to look at some of the things you are doing with an open mind.

One thing for sure the screaming arguments are probably horrible for your child so that need to stop asap.

ShatnersWig · 24/05/2018 08:40

You don't need yet another thread to put all these things down in one place, OP. You just need to follow the advice you've been given on all your previous threads.

GET RID OF THE NASTY FUCKER

Usernameunknown2 · 24/05/2018 08:40

No wonder your child has separation anxiety if every time you try to reassure your husband is saying not too or refusing too. It wont help it.

It sounds like he is the controlling one not you. If he genuinely wanted to resolve this he would be talking not blaming and going to counselling.

TinyTear · 24/05/2018 08:41

Sleep training doesn't work.
2 year olds are very cuddly and need to reconnect with the parents after a day at nursery
I had a dummy until my 4th birthday and my teeth are way better than my sister who sucked her thumb

Anything else?

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 24/05/2018 08:42

if it's multiple times a night every night then they are probably horribly sleep deprived and you probably do need to do some sleep training

DS1 didn't sleep through (ever) or go to bed without me there until he was nearly 4. No sleep training, something just clicked and he started going to bed with nothing more than a 'night night' and turning off the light switch, and sleeping through till morning.

Now if she wants to do sleep training, that's one thing, but sleep training isn't some magic cure-all and it's not obligatory.

Juells · 24/05/2018 08:46

I had a dummy until my 4th birthday and my teeth are way better than my sister who sucked her thumb

My eldest sister's teeth stuck out, which my mother attributed to thumb-sucking. She gave the rest of us a dummy. Both my children had dummies, in every photo of them as toddlers there are dummies pinned to their clothes 😜 They both have beautiful straight teeth, without benefit of braces.

Thewhale2903 · 24/05/2018 08:48

My youngest son was like this when he was younger, he is going to school this year and is much better but still doesn't like leaving me.
They are your children too. You shouldn't have to wait for permission to go to your own children in the night!
This sounds like classic man jealous of children because he's not getting as much attention as he did before they came along.

CiderwithBuda · 24/05/2018 08:52

He is awful. Controlling. Abusive. Downright nasty.

2 year olds don’t sit and watch movies. There is NOTHING wrong with a toddler still having a dummy or a bottle or a comfort blanket or a favourite toy. Or a boy liking pink or what are traditionally known as girls toys (you haven’t mentioned that but I suspect your P would have issues with it). And it is normal for 2 year olds to prefer their mums. It is normal for 2 year olds to wake in the night.

It is NOT normal for a father to scream and shout at the mother of his child about bottles or cups or ANYTHING.

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