Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of being spoken to like this

141 replies

puzzled90 · 23/05/2018 21:38

I have posted a couple of times under various different names but I am so fed up I wanted to put some of the issues all in one place.

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b and if i don't sort my act out he's going. The background to this is:

DC is nearly 2. We both work full time. He works shifts (mixture of days and night including weekends), I work mon-fri in quite a demanding office job. DC goes to daycare 5 days a week.

DC does like to be picked up a lot and generally when they ask I pick them up. Dh does not. For this he says I am ruining DC and there is no need for them to be picked up. It doesn't stop me getting anything done, dinners are still cooked and the house cleaned with DC attached to me somehow. If not being picked up DC will follow me round the house and 'help' with chores. Dh again says this is wrong because DC should be able to entertain themselves instead of not letting me get in with stuff.

I have only left dc overnight once, and that was a couple of weekends ago for our 4th anniversary. We don't have a lot of support (my parents are elderly, DH's not in the best of health) so we have to ask DH's sister to help. This is apparently a sign I don't trust anyone else. We have left dc for days out together (football games, events, random meals out) I also work from home 1 day a week and if dh is not on shift we spend time together then or I take time off work to spend a day with him.

Nursery pick up and drops offs are also an argument. I do the majority of drop offs in the morning tho there are 2 weeks in 5 dh can do them. I ask to pick DC up once a week as dh normally does this but apparently this is also very selfish and I just should just leave pick ups to him.

I didn't want to give up DC's dummy or bottle at night as it helped DC get to sleep at night (was only having water in bottle). After several screaming rows I agreed to take these away. It can now take DC up to an hour to go to sleep as they are not very good at self settling. This is my fault as it what i have done to them. I'm also not allowed to rub DC's back to help comfort them to sleep

If DC wakes in the night I am not allowed to go and see to them. Admittedly I did use to run in as soon as DC murmered (post bagel anxiety) but now I do let dc stir a bit if they are really upset I will go and see them. Again this is wrong and i should just let them cry. I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

These are just some of the issues but it's really getting to me now as I don't feel I am doing a terrible job but obviously he does

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/05/2018 23:08

@puzzled90 are you happy in your marriage?

Because to me he sounds like a fucking rude, unpleasant man who is selfish and jealous of his child.

Is this how you want to live? Do you plan more kids?

Do you need to ask permission to go to your old child when they are upset?

Frankly, you only get one life - if you want to spend it with this man, go ahead. But I am not sure I would be willing to live my life with him. You both sound like you work very hard in your jobs but he is making your life miserable.

PieAndPumpkins · 23/05/2018 23:10

Didn't want to read and run, just wanted to add that it doesn't at all sound like you're being too pandering or pushy on the children. Your DH sounds jealous, an intolerant and unnatural parent and incredibly controlling. Your babies (twins?) are two, they're so little still. I don't say this lightly, but I think he needs his bags packing. What a horrible man.

PieAndPumpkins · 23/05/2018 23:12

Sorry, obviously not twins, your use of 'them' confused me, but it's obviously to keep your post gender free.

SandyY2K · 23/05/2018 23:13

YANBU

Nobody would stop me from picking up my crying baby. He is the controlling one here. Let him go.

I just hate to think how he'll leave your DC crying during his custody time.

Crowd · 23/05/2018 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

iamyourequal · 23/05/2018 23:19

Crowd

Did he actually want kids or did you have a "contraception failure" or cajole him into it?

What a nasty and unhelpful post.

gillybeanz · 23/05/2018 23:21

He is abusing you and your dc.
For all your sakes you can't let it continue Thanks

Jux · 23/05/2018 23:21

Bad bad bad. He sounds really horrible and unkind, not just to you but to dc too. It's pretty awful how he's trying to punish you both.

WhatisaNarwhal · 23/05/2018 23:25

Fuck him right off.
Your baby is the same age as mine. We’re very closely bonded, still breastfeeding, still coslesping, still picked up and cuddled and comforted and indulged.

Because he’s a baby.

The only person with control or self discipline issues here is your husband. Get him to fuck, and enjoy your life with your baby.

BakedBeans47 · 23/05/2018 23:25

What an arsehole

Crowd · 23/05/2018 23:27

@iamyourequal

I felt it relevant as there seems to be deeper issues here.

OohMavis · 23/05/2018 23:30

I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

That's fucking chilling to read.

OohMavis · 23/05/2018 23:32

By the way my daughter is the same age. It's a clingy time for them, they grow out of it. She's on my hip a lot of the time, or sitting with me having a cuddle. The world is big and they are small - they need you to bridge the gap.

Tell your husband to go fuck himself.

Nunya · 23/05/2018 23:35

Branleuse
That's your child. He's only a husband

^^This! So much this!
Also I agree with those saying there should not be any of this "not allowed" business! You are an adult and you are a mother and you are allowed to do whatever you damn well please! Certainly you're allowed to decide when and how to care for and comfort your child as you feel is necessary. Why does HE get to tell you what to do? By not allowed, it sounds as if there is "trouble" you get into with your husband when you don't follow his orders. No wonder your dc feels anxious. You must also! You do not have to live this way!!
YANBU to be fed up of being spoken to in that manner nor would you be unreasonable to seriously review your relationship and decide if this is who you really want to spend your life with.

Singlenotsingle · 23/05/2018 23:35

He's jealous of DC. A 2 year old can't amuse himself, and they need their bottle and dummy, especially at night, and if they cry it's a mother's instinct to go and comfort them. That's because Nature knows what the baby needs! This man doesn't care. Is he dc's father? It sounds as though he's a stepfather. Get in there and protect your child!!!

fluffyrobin · 23/05/2018 23:36

Wonderful opportunity and a gloriously happy peaceful life awaits you and your dc op!

As soon as your bad role model toxic waste of a dh/father gets out of your lives.

You know how damaging he is and his capacity to ruin your lives so get rid before your dc think it's normal behaviour to treat you so awfully.

thegreatbeyond · 23/05/2018 23:36

My baby is about the same age, too. If he cries, we both go running up. That's normal...if my husband tried to make me abuse my child by not going to them, I would leave him.

Nunya · 23/05/2018 23:42

Today 23:30 OohMavis

I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

That's fucking chilling to read.

^ YES it is!! Very! What happens if you don't sit there and wait until he says, OP? That is honestly really horrible. Why does he get to force you to go against your instincts and your baby's needs!? That is your baby! Please put your baby and yourself first; cause your husband is definitely not!

RubySlippers77 · 23/05/2018 23:43

Oh OP, I don't have much to add to all the advice given here, but just sending you Thanks - what an awful time you have been having, your 'D'P is clearly making you very unhappy.

Whatever you decide to do next, I hope that you and your DC have a better life very, very soon xx

nursy1 · 23/05/2018 23:43

Op. It seems to me every instinct you have about looking after your dc is the right one.
Your dc has a limited amount of time with you. Of course he wants to be held and close to you, particularly as the atmosphere at home must be scary at times. Why should he learn to self settle if all you have to do is rub his back to get him to sleep. He knows you are near then and can drift off feeling secure and loved.
Strikes me you don’t feel very secure and loved. Do you think this relationship has run its course?

AcrossthePond55 · 23/05/2018 23:48

Next time he 'threatens' you with leaving (O Happy Day!! if he would, but he never would), point at the door and say "Don't let it hit ya where the Good Lord split ya! Buh-bye Felipe!!!".

You do NOT need this. Sit down alone and figure out if you can afford to leave (wages/possible benefits vs cost of childcare/running a house). If so, go (unless home ownership is involved). If not (or if home ownership is involved), see a solicitor about child maintenance and getting him out due to emotional abuse.

Again, you do NOT need this. You and the DC will be so much better off on your own.

Oswin · 23/05/2018 23:50

No crowd. You just wanted to be a mysogynist arse to the poor Op.
Its not like this situation is rare, men like this like to have there partners to feel trapped. Thats why most abuse starts once pregnant.
He is abusing her and your post was just fucking awful.

fluffyrobin · 23/05/2018 23:52

Why have you put up with this for so long?

Nobody would EVER speak to me like that.

You need to disengage and take whatever steps you need to to get your dc into a home where they are not subjected to listening to their mother being horrendously verbally abused.

It is so damaging! Young dc need love, comfort, care and kindness and so do you!

Surely your instincts tell you that? Find your mother tiger instinct and protect your dc! They need it!

Whatiwishfor · 23/05/2018 23:52

Omg it sounds like how my stbxh was when my children were babies. He controlled so much of their early days (i find it hard to think about tbh) It was always on the pretence that he was a pro active father. But the truth was that he was plain controlling. This i did not realise at the time, he used to control what types of nappies they wore, how i sterilised, what i brought for them. I didnt have many choices about what kind of pushchair i got, cot, clothes etc etc. The nursery was never done. But also he controlled a lot of how i acted towards them. I felt a heavy negativity for a long time but i did not know what it was. Fast forward several years, my husband left me holding a 3 and 4 year old. His behaviour has since been 1000% worse, really controlling, i wish i had noticed it before and acted on it. Even though my children are young its still been hard on them, i only wish they had been younger. This is a small picture of a much bigger abusive situation. If i could give my younger self some advise it would be, value yourself more, and more importantly run for the fucking hills.

Lisapops · 23/05/2018 23:54

Loving the way you repeatedly state that you are “not allowed” to do certain things! Read your post back and ask yourself if you are being treated as an equal to your partner! Seriously if you feel you are not allowed to comfort your own child when you feel you should then you are not in the right relationship!