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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fed up of being spoken to like this

141 replies

puzzled90 · 23/05/2018 21:38

I have posted a couple of times under various different names but I am so fed up I wanted to put some of the issues all in one place.

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b and if i don't sort my act out he's going. The background to this is:

DC is nearly 2. We both work full time. He works shifts (mixture of days and night including weekends), I work mon-fri in quite a demanding office job. DC goes to daycare 5 days a week.

DC does like to be picked up a lot and generally when they ask I pick them up. Dh does not. For this he says I am ruining DC and there is no need for them to be picked up. It doesn't stop me getting anything done, dinners are still cooked and the house cleaned with DC attached to me somehow. If not being picked up DC will follow me round the house and 'help' with chores. Dh again says this is wrong because DC should be able to entertain themselves instead of not letting me get in with stuff.

I have only left dc overnight once, and that was a couple of weekends ago for our 4th anniversary. We don't have a lot of support (my parents are elderly, DH's not in the best of health) so we have to ask DH's sister to help. This is apparently a sign I don't trust anyone else. We have left dc for days out together (football games, events, random meals out) I also work from home 1 day a week and if dh is not on shift we spend time together then or I take time off work to spend a day with him.

Nursery pick up and drops offs are also an argument. I do the majority of drop offs in the morning tho there are 2 weeks in 5 dh can do them. I ask to pick DC up once a week as dh normally does this but apparently this is also very selfish and I just should just leave pick ups to him.

I didn't want to give up DC's dummy or bottle at night as it helped DC get to sleep at night (was only having water in bottle). After several screaming rows I agreed to take these away. It can now take DC up to an hour to go to sleep as they are not very good at self settling. This is my fault as it what i have done to them. I'm also not allowed to rub DC's back to help comfort them to sleep

If DC wakes in the night I am not allowed to go and see to them. Admittedly I did use to run in as soon as DC murmered (post bagel anxiety) but now I do let dc stir a bit if they are really upset I will go and see them. Again this is wrong and i should just let them cry. I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

These are just some of the issues but it's really getting to me now as I don't feel I am doing a terrible job but obviously he does

OP posts:
Ginnotginger · 23/05/2018 23:54

DC has quite bad separate anxiety. If I am not around and it is just DC and dh they are fine.

Are you sure your DC is "fine" with your DP? How do you know? Is your DP telling you so?

A relative's exDP always said my relative's DC was fine with him. As the DC got older and was able to express himself it was very clear that thing's were not fine at all. Contact between DC and his DF is now supervised at a contact centre.

I don't know your DP obviously but from your posts, he sounds abusive to both you and your DC . My relative is out of the relationship now and is still coming to terms with how abusive and toxic the relationship was especially for her DC.

Cheby · 24/05/2018 00:04

Jesus Christ OP. Pack your own bags, take your baby and get the fuck out of this abusive relationship.

Jux · 24/05/2018 00:20

How do you get on with your parents? Just because they're getting on a bit doesn't mean they wouldn't benefit from having some young ones around in the form of you and lo. In fact, my own mum got a new lease of life when she moved in with us. Her relationship with dd did, I am sure, add quite a few years on to her life.

If they've got a spare room, go and stay with them for a fortnight or a month, with dc, and see how clear your head becomes in that time. See how much happier you feel when you are able to care for dc the way you want to.

I bet if you were living with them for a little while, then they'd feel more able to look after dc for the odd evening too. You'd put them to bed, and maybe reconnect with an old friend or two.

Do they live far?

Coyoacan · 24/05/2018 01:00

"Did he actually want kids or did you have a "contraception failure" or cajole him into it?

Crowd, I don't see what that has to do with it, but assuming he didn't want kids, does that give him a license to abuse a toddler?

Crowd · 24/05/2018 01:08

No, it doesn't give him the right to abuse a toddler. If he didn't really want kids then it's just yet another case of LTB, get your ducks in a row (Hmm) and claim benefits . Wish people would not blindingly go into things like this.No wonder the country is on its knees.

Anyway OP, it's all horse bolted and stable door not shut now so you got to do what you have to do. Which sounds like go.

Oswin · 24/05/2018 01:42

Why would you feel the need to say that to an abuse victim Crowd?
What do you mean to blindingly into things like this. You cant tell the future.
What precautions do you think women should take to make sure her dp doesnt becomes abusive.

Op you need to leave asap. Not letting you comfort your baby is so so cruel.

SusanneLinder · 24/05/2018 01:48

Jeez, when mine were little, DH and I took turns of seeing to DC. No one, but no one would stop me seeing to the kids.
This man is abusive, and if he threatens to leave, I'd pack his bags!
Not allowed? That's horrific. Your poor little one. They aren't even 2 yet!
And still doesn't stop you doing anything like cooking and cleaning. Does he not do any of this?
Run for the hills OP.

Ifonlyfor1day · 24/05/2018 01:53

OP he is seriously abusive. It sounds like he is jealous of your DC. He is expecting you to miss out on all the beautiful moments with your children, why shouldn't you pick them up and cuddle them.

Is he physically violent. I would definitely advise you to leave him, if only so you get to cherish the tiny years with your DC, he is spoiling those years. If you can get him to leave please do, if you are fearful of him then you find out where you can get support and leave. Goodluck x

Suresurelah · 24/05/2018 04:37

What he is doing is SO wrong.

I think you know deep down this is wrong, but he’s worn you down so that you question yourself.

Get out OP.

Stop his abuse of your D.C.

Puzzledbythis1 · 24/05/2018 04:37

Listen. You've described a relationship I was in so similarly that ended up very violent.
It clicked for me when I went to a therapist and told him the whole story and he said....'listen even if everything this man says about you is true it STILL doesn't excuse his absolute manipulative and abusive behaviour'.

In a nutshell he should NOT be talking to or treating you like this, you need to get someone to support you through the cold turkey of this breakup but it will be so much better without this in your life.
It takes many, many times of posting, seeking advice and questioning before you can make the final move.
I really hope you can get through this. Xxx

Original poster
puzzled90 · 24/05/2018 06:16

To answer a couple of questions

I know that DC is fine with dh as I alys get pictures of them together when I am not . However when I am at home DC wpuld rather follow me round the house and help than sit in front of the t.v. with dh which is what he likes to do most of the time. This upsets at th as he wants DC to be able to sit and watch films with him.

Dh children more than me and we had had arguments about it in the past. We were ovely trying when i foubd out I was pregnant with dc.

Screaming rows over bottles and dummies lasted weeks with dh saying he had let me get away with using for too long and he should have removed them sooner as I was damaging DC by letting them have them. When I did take them away and replace the bottle with a different cup he then went on a 20 minute rant about how the new cups were wrong.

I didn't have a great birth experience, sg1 was an emcs. 10 days after having DC, dh went on a football away to the other side of the country leaving at 6am, returning at home midnight.

I have been seeing a counsellor for the last few months. Dh refused to see one with me. When I talk to him about this he refers to it as me being mental and having lost the plot.

OP posts:
userabcname · 24/05/2018 06:21

He wants to go? Good. Send him on his way. You and your little one will be so much happier. I feel so sad to think of your little one crying and you not being "allowed" to comfort them. Your partner is cruel.

blueskypink · 24/05/2018 06:24

Wow. Just wow. What a really nasty, controlling, cruel and obnoxious person you're married to op.

You really shouldn't be living like this. And neither should your dc

minmooch · 24/05/2018 06:35

Oh op your posts are so hard to read. This man is truly abusive towards both yourself and your child. What kind of parent refuses to comfort their child at whatever age? Your child is two - still a baby. A baby that needs comforting, that needs confirmation and security that its parents are there with love and comfort. I do believe that if you stay with this man your child will be damaged by his attitude. Please please please find the strength to leave the cold hearted cruel fucker. He is showing cruelty to a young child.

Juells · 24/05/2018 06:43

I had to stop reading half way down the first page, as I was feeling so violent towards your DH. Brought back so many unhappy memories. 😢 Now that I'm free I look back and can't believe that I allowed another adult to treat me that way.

You're an adult. Your husband is not your boss. This kind of controlling and lack of respect only gets worse, it doesn't ease off. Leave.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 24/05/2018 06:49

He refuses to let you comfort your tiny child? And you comply? No. That poor, poor baby. Really, this has to stop, straight away, and if it means you leave, so be it.

No wonder your ds has separation anxiety. And I would not be confident of how your H treats him when you are not around?

Roomba · 24/05/2018 06:49

If I am not around and it is just DC and dh they are fine.

Toddlers aren't daft. Your DC is probably very wary of your DH, even if they don't quite know why - and so they will not make a fuss or step out of line for Daddy. My own DS was the same.

In fact I could have written most of what your posts as my ex was very similar and we argued over the same things. Most of the time he had me convinced that it was me that was in the wrong. I allowed it to carry on for far too long and ended up getting pregnant again. By that stage I was reading a lot of thread on abusive partners on MN - I could see everything he was doing. Something just switched in my brain and I just wasn't having it any more.

I know it sounds really dramatic when people yell leave him, this is abuse, it is damaging your child - but if you manage to get free of this, you'll realise just how insidious his behaviour is. You and your DC would be so much happier without him negatively commenting on everything and controlling everything you do. Speak to your counsellor for advice on how to leave him.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 24/05/2018 06:49

Sorry, scrap the random question mark at the end.

avidenjoyer · 24/05/2018 06:52

God poor you he sounds like an abusive arse. Get outta there.
My Dc wake rarely now but when they did of course we attended to them- it boggles my mind that you would have to wait till he says you can see to them.
You don't need a DH treating you like that and it's bad for your DC

Undercoverbanana · 24/05/2018 06:55

Ok. So when you talk about your counsellor you are “mental” and “lost the plot”. Have my first LTB. I am so sorry but this man is no good for anyone. A true partner offers love, support and respect unconditionally.

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 24/05/2018 06:56

He’s not going to leave. Him saying he is is just another way to control you because he is an abusive arse.

You need to get yourself and your little one away from him though before he does anymore damage.

Juells · 24/05/2018 07:01

My eldest was still sucking a dummy at night when she was four. She grew up normal.

Would you allow a work colleague to speak to you like that, and police every action you took? It's so difficult to see what's happening when you're trapped in the situation, but the person who is supposed to love you and be helping you is getting a kick out of controlling everything you do. The more he controls you, the worse it gets, and the more disapproval he'll pile on.

God knows what satisfaction fucks like that get from controlling their partners, but you don't have to sit and take it. Nowadays, wives can leave.

Suresurelah · 24/05/2018 07:02

What has your therapist said about his behaviour.....?

Keep posting OP.

MrsDilber · 24/05/2018 07:08

Oh op, I couldn't live like that, you must feel so uncomfortable all the time. He is controlling and you don't sound happy at all, who would living like this?

You sound like a very good and caring mum to me. Don't let him make you think otherwise. He sounds dreadful 💐

LakieLady · 24/05/2018 07:20

He's an abusive piece of shit and you need to leave him, for your child's sake as much as your own.