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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fed up of being spoken to like this

141 replies

puzzled90 · 23/05/2018 21:38

I have posted a couple of times under various different names but I am so fed up I wanted to put some of the issues all in one place.

Tonight dh has called me a cruel, controlling manipulative b and if i don't sort my act out he's going. The background to this is:

DC is nearly 2. We both work full time. He works shifts (mixture of days and night including weekends), I work mon-fri in quite a demanding office job. DC goes to daycare 5 days a week.

DC does like to be picked up a lot and generally when they ask I pick them up. Dh does not. For this he says I am ruining DC and there is no need for them to be picked up. It doesn't stop me getting anything done, dinners are still cooked and the house cleaned with DC attached to me somehow. If not being picked up DC will follow me round the house and 'help' with chores. Dh again says this is wrong because DC should be able to entertain themselves instead of not letting me get in with stuff.

I have only left dc overnight once, and that was a couple of weekends ago for our 4th anniversary. We don't have a lot of support (my parents are elderly, DH's not in the best of health) so we have to ask DH's sister to help. This is apparently a sign I don't trust anyone else. We have left dc for days out together (football games, events, random meals out) I also work from home 1 day a week and if dh is not on shift we spend time together then or I take time off work to spend a day with him.

Nursery pick up and drops offs are also an argument. I do the majority of drop offs in the morning tho there are 2 weeks in 5 dh can do them. I ask to pick DC up once a week as dh normally does this but apparently this is also very selfish and I just should just leave pick ups to him.

I didn't want to give up DC's dummy or bottle at night as it helped DC get to sleep at night (was only having water in bottle). After several screaming rows I agreed to take these away. It can now take DC up to an hour to go to sleep as they are not very good at self settling. This is my fault as it what i have done to them. I'm also not allowed to rub DC's back to help comfort them to sleep

If DC wakes in the night I am not allowed to go and see to them. Admittedly I did use to run in as soon as DC murmered (post bagel anxiety) but now I do let dc stir a bit if they are really upset I will go and see them. Again this is wrong and i should just let them cry. I literally have to sit there and wait until dh says I can go and see them.

These are just some of the issues but it's really getting to me now as I don't feel I am doing a terrible job but obviously he does

OP posts:
penguinsnpandas · 23/05/2018 22:17

What you are doing is fine - I like the post bagel anxiety Grin

His behavior isn't. I'ld call his bluff and tell him to leave then. He won't. Just ignore any unreasonable demands with kids.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/05/2018 22:17

He has no intention of leaving. Call him on it.
However, he should go.
Speak to your local Domestic Abuse Agency. They will support you as you work through this. Whatever you decide to do.
YANBU - but you will stay "fed up" a very long time unless you make the changes.

MarklahMarklah · 23/05/2018 22:18

Bold font fail

Bezm · 23/05/2018 22:22

I think he's jealous of the time you spend with your child.
I do think it sounds like you are too possessive of your child though, and your dh may feel like he's been pushed out, hence his unreasonable behaviour.
Is this your only child? I think you may possibly be storing up a whole lot of future issues linked to attachment as you seem to be the main person who indulges your dc, whilst your dh is the opposite.
Unfortunately all too often parents don't usually discuss how they would bring up a child before the event, and it can cause endless conflict!

Mary1935 · 23/05/2018 22:23

Yes he's abusive - he's not supportive to you and it's his way or the highway. Your working hard with no back up from him.
I'd give him a dummy - please contact women's aid - he will grind you down and damage your children. Yet another abusive man!!! 🌺

eileandonan · 23/05/2018 22:24

Sounds like your OH is jealous of the attention your DC receive from you. From your description he isn't parenting but merely an observer who is critical of all you do. You both work but you do everything for the home and DC too and he sits playing games on his phone. Sounds lovely... i have 4 DC and my last was and still is super clingy. My fault as he was my little surprise and I made the most of it as times goes so fast and before you know it they are leaving home! I had why are you still breast feeding, why are you going to see him when he is crying, why don't you leave him to cry, isn't he too old for that. Told my OH to bugger off and perhaps if he did a little more than coming home sitting on his laptop the DC may think he is actually a parent!

TarragonChicken · 23/05/2018 22:24

'I am not allowed...'
Hmm This is not a normal relationship. You are not a child. He is not your boss. Not allowed shouldn't come in to it.

Branleuse · 23/05/2018 22:26

He sounds like the controlling manipulatuve one.
He's showing his power and trying to hurt you by undermining your parenting and making you listen to your own child cry.

That's your child. He's only a husband

MumofBoysx2 · 23/05/2018 22:26

Not allowed to go and see them when they wake in the night? What century is he in?? Fuck that. Sounds grim.

Undercoverbanana · 23/05/2018 22:30

This is very unhealthy. I am sorry OP but he does not sound like a nice person. It is not good for children to witness relationships like this. I know because I am your DC in this scenario. My mental health issues stem from the toxic environment I grew up in. I am afraid an exit strategy is required for your DC’s sake as much as your own.

Justnapping · 23/05/2018 22:31

He is disgusting and abusive. He wants a robot not a child

Eminado · 23/05/2018 22:34

I have a nearly 2 year old and she still wakes in the night.

If someone tried to stop me going in to see her I’d be on the news the next day and not for anything good.

That would completely be the end of the road for me.

Your DH sounds lazy, for starters, and also like a giant moany manchild who is jealous of the baby.

His options should be to grow up or get out. Nothing else. He is being pathetic.

CaledonianQueen · 23/05/2018 22:35

OP your H is incredibly abusive not just to you but to your DC. Please stop allowing him to keep you away from your tiny child! Leaving a child to cry with no reassurance has been proven to be detrimental to a babies development!

If anyone else tried to come in-between you and your screaming baby would you allow them to? I am guessing not! If you are so terrified of your H that you are allowing him to do this to you then please get help from Women's Aid! You and your little one deserve so much better! Please be careful though. if you are leaving (which I am praying you will), DO NOT LET HIM KNOW!!! Gather together all important paperwork, clothes, toys and flee to a friend/ relatives house (preferably not to the most obvious place)whilst he is working. Please contact Women's Aid who can help you come up with an escape plan! A shelter may be the best place, to begin with.

Please don't allow this abuse of you and your toddler to continue! This man is a monster! A narcissistic sociopath, a very dangerous one at that! When you are away I would read the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that' as well as enrolling in the Freedom Programme.

Glumglowworm · 23/05/2018 22:38

Stop justifying yourself (because you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong!) and start planning how to LTB.

He sounds absolutely vile! Your child isn’t even 2 yet! Still a baby really, and it’s absolutely normal for them to wake in the night, to be clingy to the main only caregiver, and anyone with half a brain cell would support you in tending to the needs of your tiny child.

What is he going to be like when your child has a tantrum? Is he going to scream at her? Scream at you in front of her? Physically drag her away? Smack her? Smack you?

When you potty train her, how will he handle the inevitable accidents? Scream at her? Scream at you? Rub her nose in it? Make her stay in wet or dirty clothes as a punishment? Smack her? Smack you?

You owe it to your daughter to get away from him and keep her safe, you both deserve better than him as well

ToadsforJustice · 23/05/2018 22:39

Why are you still with him?

KittenBeast · 23/05/2018 22:43

leave the fucker

squishy · 23/05/2018 22:45

Like many pp's, massive alarm bells ringing with you not being 'allowed' to comfort DC. I wouldn't put up with that at all.

There's lots of different types of 'not allowed' from physical intimidation to sulking/projection...can you describe his behaviour?

Cornishclio · 23/05/2018 22:51

Your DH is very controlling and I would not put up with that. He is also cruel to your DC by not "allowing" you to comfort or pick them up so I am not surprised your DC has separation anxiety. This does not sound like a normal household. You don't have to obey him if you feel what he is suggesting is wrong. He is obviously very rude to you if you don't do what he wants you to. Is there physical violence or is it emotional cruelty?

Carouselfish · 23/05/2018 22:52

He's unhappy every time you are kind to your child.

How do you KNOW your child is fine with him when you're not there and only clingy when you ARE there? Maybe the child really isn't keen on him at all (wouldn't be surprising since he sounds like he's probably just on his phone all the time ignoring them).

Aside from all the other reasons to leave him, I'd be tempted to find out how he was with your child when you weren't there, whether that's leaving some recording equipment on or whatever. I know I'll be flamed for this, but if he's so anti-kindness, I wouldn't trust him.

PaintedHorizons · 23/05/2018 22:52

Agree with PPs.
Picking up a 2 year old is natural and good for them. I co-slept often and was very physical with mine when they were little and I loved it.

You need to be away from this man who will always make you feel you are not good enough - snd your child will grow up feeling that too.

Yogeybear89 · 23/05/2018 22:54

I was in very similar relationship before ... find your nearest DV charity they will help in every way
I seriously feel for you
Good luck

GreenTulips · 23/05/2018 22:54

I agree your DH wants the closeness you share with DC but doesn't want to put th effort in to achieve that

You step up because he doesn't so it's totally unbalanced relationship.

Something's I do agree with, but they aren't doing you at your child any harm at this stage and if it suits you, you should keep doing it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/05/2018 23:02

He is eroding your confidence bit by bit until you don't know what to do anymore. He does sound manipulative and controlling and I also think you should seek help.

Coyoacan · 23/05/2018 23:02

Everything screams at me that your child is a boy. In your macho husband's head boys don't cry and the poor little thing is being punished for crying.

One thing is the abuse towards you but the abuse towards your child is breathtaking.

SM2132 · 23/05/2018 23:03

I can't imagine the anxiety you must feel when your toddler wakes up crying for you and you have to sit there listening till your husband says you can go in. That makes me feel a bit ill, how stressful that must be for you. You honestly need to leave. Imagine how free and happy you and your child will be living in stressfree house- nobody bringing you down. You can do it op.