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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be put off by someone pretending they are 8 stone lighter than they are online?

59 replies

yellowtraincoat · 22/05/2018 20:50

Met someone online, spoke a lot as just friends. Met through a mutual interest. Saw a couple of pictures that were just face and don't show much but didn't particularly care as it was just a mutual interest friendship.

We spoke about weight because it came up casually after I visited a museum and we were working out how many of us could fit in the thing, but I kind of mentally then had an image in my head of him (previously couldn't really picture his body as just seen half his face).

It kind of developed more and more romantically, so when there was an event for the mutual interest, we decided we would meet there. Met there and he is just so much bigger than the weight he said. It wasn't that long ago, so it's not as if he has gained the weight. I'd say he is around 8 stone heavier. I don't think he remembered ever telling me his weight.

I'm not saying weight is important, but I don't know... AIBU to now be put off of him?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 22/05/2018 20:55

I think if you met through a mutual interest site rather than a dating site, then it is perfectly reasonable that he only had his face in photos. He wasn't trying to pretend to be smaller than he was, it was more that in that context his weight is irrelevant. Again, if the discussion of weight was before any romantic contact, then lying about your weight online to someone you think you will never meet is not the worst thing in the world (I bet it happens on MN all the time).

If you aren't attracted to him, then that's the way it goes. But if you still find his personality attractive and enjoy spending time with him, I´d give it another date or two. It might be when you get over the idea of him you have had in your head, you'll find the real him is actually quite attractive after all.

Original poster
yellowtraincoat · 22/05/2018 21:16

Okay thank you

OP posts:
FoodGloriousFud · 23/05/2018 07:47

Maybe I'm shallow but it absolutely would put me off. I eat well and enjoy long walks and am generally fit and healthy. Someone 8st over the weight they said is obviously obese and just wouldn't fit with my lifestyle or what I find physically attractive.

MissionItsPossible · 23/05/2018 07:51

YANBU that’s a huge difference

bazingabazinga · 23/05/2018 07:52

It would put me off.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/05/2018 07:53

I would wonder what else might have he omitted to mention.

TheNavigator · 23/05/2018 07:54

YANBU, regardless of what he told you. I would not be romantically interested in someone who was 8 stone overweight. You are entitled not be to attracted to anyone, for any reason.

Emma198 · 23/05/2018 07:57

He's probably embarrassed about his weight and didn't think it would matter what he told you.

If you're still attracted to him, I'd still see him again.

IrenetheQuaint · 23/05/2018 07:59

I would be put off by this too.

RavenWings · 23/05/2018 08:01

Yanbu, that is a ridiculous lie. I wouldn't meet him again (wouldn't be interested at that size anyway). It's the lying that is the main problem though as it's not a good foundation for a relationship.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2018 08:02

I think it's understandable he didn't say at first if he didn't intend to meet or meet romantically.

I also think it's understandable if you're not attracted to him physically. Attraction is an instinct really and something we can't control. Eight stone is a lot over weight and attraction has to be both mental and physical. Only you can say if the mental attraction is strong enough to make the initial physical reaction irrelevant.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 23/05/2018 08:04

I must be a good 5 or 6 stone overweight, and i only use face pics online. If anyone ever asks my weight i refuse to answer other than heavier/bigger than i should/want to be. These people are just friends, so why does the size of my body matter? If things started getting a bit more than friends i'd want to lose a good chunk of the weight before meeting anyway, but i'd always go the body pic route before ever meeting in person.

Maybe he has issues with his eating and is in denial just how big he is, i know i used to look in the mirror and not register just how fat i was, i thought i carried my weight well. I really dont!

Can youu imagine how difficult meeting up with you was for him, being so much bigger than you expected, he must have known you'd be shocked/disappointed and just hoped who he was would be enough.

isthismylifenow · 23/05/2018 08:05

It is one of the red flags on something i read regarding online dating. I know it wasn't a dating site per se, but it is still in the same vein I reckon.

Perhaps he didn't think you would be meeting up when the weight was initially mentioned.

Murane · 23/05/2018 08:09

8st is a huge difference - it's not a even overweight, its obese. I'd accept perhaps 3 stone overweight but 8 is too much. YANBU if you decide not to continue the relationship, and he should have disclosed his obesity.

WinnieFosterTether · 23/05/2018 08:17

Regardless of his motivation (which could have been innocent ie you were never going to meet and he didn't want to disclose his weight to a stranger) I think it sets a damaging precedent.
If you don't mention the difference then you're sending a signal that you won't challenge obvious discrepancies. You'll let him gaslight you. If you mention it but say you're ok with it then subconsciously you're saying you'll accept lies and disappointments. I wouldn't want to start a relationship on that basis.

givemesteel · 23/05/2018 08:23

The lie is too big as is the weight difference in my opinion. I don't believe he forgot he told you his weight he's obviously just hoping you didn't notice or you're not that great at calculating mass.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2018 08:25

He's not gaslighting her ffs. That's ludicrous. And not mentioning it doesn't say she accepts lies and disappointments, she's met this dude once, she hardly knows him and she's simply being polite.

He probably didn't mention it or lied because he was embarrassed and didn't feel the need to tell a stranger who he didn't think he'd meet or meet romantically.

Plenty of people are attracted to larger people. She may be one of them for all he knows. And if she's not it's much kinder to not take it further than it is to tell him it's his weight. That could be very hurtful indeed.

category12 · 23/05/2018 08:29

If you don't find him attractive in person, them's the breaks. It's unfortunate, but online flirting without having met can end like this. I don't think he's done anything wrong as such, and neither have you. I'd let him down as gently as possible.

Magpiemagpie · 23/05/2018 08:30

How can you develop romantically when you have never even met the person in question

WinnieFosterTether · 23/05/2018 08:33

Bluntness as I said, I think his motivation was probably innocent but regardless, it creates a precedent that he lies and she doesn't mention it or forgives it. I haven't seen any happy relationships that started with someone accepting a massive lie.
Maybe your experience is different but I've watched lots of friends make excuses for lies about age, weight, success, etc in the first flush of a new relationship. Ultimately none of the relationships lasted because a flexible attitude to disclosure/truth wasn't limited to that first lie.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2018 09:57

Winnie, as said, for me I think you're being OTT. Weight is a very complex issue and it's not uncommon for people to be either in denial or embarrassed about it. It doesn't mean there is anything malicious behind it or it indicates future behaviour

I think taking it to the gaslighting/her accepting dishonest level based on only what she has posted shows a lack of understanding and empathy for those with weight related issues.

He clearly has weight issues if he is eight stone over weight and didn't want to admit it. It doesn't mean he is a bad or dishonest person in any shape nor form. Her not calling him out on it doesn't mean she's indicating she accepts lies and dishonesty, more she is polite and doesn't wish to hurt his feelings.

Weight is complex and many people understand that. It's a difficult subject for all concerned to broach.

VladmirsPoutine · 23/05/2018 10:07

Yanbu. 8 stone is like carrying around another, albeit small, person.

I don't think his weight was relevant in as much as it was a mutual interest site rather than a dating site.

Either way, if it puts you off, you can't help it. Attraction can either grow or be quite a visceral instant reaction. If you're not interested there we go.

adaline · 23/05/2018 10:16

This is the danger of talking for too long online before meeting in person. You can talk to someone for hours and "click" online but unless you meet in person, you have no idea what things will be like in real life.

If you like him, carry on seeing him. If you don't, that's fine too.

WinnieFosterTether · 23/05/2018 10:29

Bluntness this is my last attempt to explain what I assumed was blatantly obvious. I know OP was being polite. But in this case, being polite has the exact same outcome as saying you'll accept lies.
I guess you know relationships that started with a fundamental untruth and went on to flourish in honesty. I don't. And I don't think the motivation behind his actions or OP's changes the subconscious messages they're sending regarding honesty and trust.

RoseWhiteTips · 23/05/2018 10:34

Unless you meet someone in person, it will ALWAYS be different from real life. It’s not just about physical attractiveness, either, of course: in real life just because someone is physically attractive does not mean you will be attracted to them.

People we are attracted to in real life in a romantic sense - or in a platonic sense - are not necessarily conventionally attractive. There is so much more to that very complex process.

That said, I do feel the potential for being evasive about weight, for example, is a problem if people go on to meet. The use of head shots only is a bit of a red flag. Imo.
Surely you would want someone you are romantically interested in, to see more than just a head shot - unless you have something to hide?

I have to repeat what has already said - I would not be interested physically in someone who was overweight or obese. That would be a no no for me. Sorry.

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