To be put off by someone pretending they are 8 stone lighter than they are online?

[yellowtraincoat]

Met someone online, spoke a lot as just friends. Met through a mutual interest. Saw a couple of pictures that were just face and don't show much but didn't particularly care as it was just a mutual interest friendship.

We spoke about weight because it came up casually after I visited a museum and we were working out how many of us could fit in the thing, but I kind of mentally then had an image in my head of him (previously couldn't really picture his body as just seen half his face).

It kind of developed more and more romantically, so when there was an event for the mutual interest, we decided we would meet there. Met there and he is just so much bigger than the weight he said. It wasn't that long ago, so it's not as if he has gained the weight. I'd say he is around 8 stone heavier. I don't think he remembered ever telling me his weight.

I'm not saying weight is important, but I don't know... AIBU to now be put off of him?

I don't think it follows at all that because he lied about his weight he'll lie about other things. Lying about your weight, a very emotive and personal issue, is not a malicious or crafty deception, it's just not openly admitting a personal fact he clearly finds embarrassing, in a context where it may never be found out.

You estimate he's 8 stone heavier. I find it nigh-on impossible to guess someone's weight. People are generally out by at least a stone when they try to guess mine.

I'm not sure I follow this point. To be blunt, it isn't about how "heavy" it is, it's about how fat he is. The arbitrary number on the scale is't really the point. He may have very heavy bones and muscles, but that just means OP is estimating 8 stone over when it could be more like 9 or 10...!

Ultimately I agree though - if you don't fancy him, it's a shame, but you just don't fancy him.

Also, he didn't actually tell you his weight did he? Was it more along the lines of "oh an elephant weighs 7 tonnes, that's 1000 stone, 100 of me!" And he's said "oh yeah, 80 of me!" But you think he weighs closer to 20 stone than 12? That isnt the same as him saying "I weigh 12 stone". He was probably embarassed. Give the guy a break. You don't have to fancy him but if this is the only thing you're holding against him I think that's daft.

Quim I mean that the OP saying he's 8 stone heavier makes it sound like he was being very deceptive about his weight. The reality may be that he just knocked 4 stone off his weight and the OP is really bad at guessing what people weigh.

He told the OP his weight in a non-dating context so I don't think he was trying to deceive her about how large he is.

Sorry will try and be a bit clearer.

We were just friends through the mutual interest. Like a lot of us. We spoke a lot as friends and about the interest.

It turned flirty. Not in love or anything. Just flirty.

I actually couldn't tell by the head photos. You could tell he wasn't going to be slim but he could easily have been at the top of healthy from his head photos. There was no double chin or anything (not to be rude).

The weight didn't come up in a romantic way. We were discussing the facts from the museum and calculating it out. He did give a number, so it wasn't like he just said oh so 10 of me or whatever, he actually gave an exact weight. I know at the time it meant nothing, we never planned to meet, but then obviously we imagined that person. I'm not attracted to him, no, he is fairly overweight, so although yes, he is attractive from his face, it has put me off. I just don't know if it's even put me off him being my friend. It does feel odd to give an exact weight that's just completely wrong.

OP there has to be a physical attraction for a romantic relationship to work.

But if you don't want to be friends because he's fat it's YOU that's missing out if you get on otherwise. Friendship is a meeting of minds, isn't it? And if he never thought he was going to meet you and he lied and you can't see why... Read all the responses on this thread.

Meh, it’s not a massive deal. People come across differently online to how they are IRL.

Hell, people often come across different in the workplace to how they are outside of work.

I used to use a local internet discussion forum (back when socialising from online wasnt as mainstream as it is now) and attended meets, and as a “rule of thumb” the regular people were about 55% geekier and chubbier and older than their online personas.

I wasn’t attracted to the men, but, then again, it was my problem that I needed to find alternative places to date and socialise rather than spend too much time online and judge the guys I was making connections with?

You’ve met someone you’re not attracted to, maybe you’re disappointed, he isn’t a bad guy for being overweight and you’re not a bad woman for not fancying him. Let the fantasy go and move on.

You don't have to have a reason for not fancying him. If he wants to be generally attractive to more people, he must know that he needs to drop several stone - most of those of us who are obese know this.

I dunno, I actually wouldn’t want be friends with someone I didn’t fancy who thought there “might” be a romantic connection between us?

These situations always end in resentment because maybe the conventionally unattractive person thinks that they “have a chance”

and for them, any normal kindly friendship gestures are interpreted as possible “romantic promises”.

I used to collect fairly geeky Male “friends” who (objectively) weren’t that conventionally attractive for whatever reason.

thinking it was a “meeting of minds” and because I didn’t see them sexually, and had explained this to them (as well as openly dating others etc) they’d be happy with that.

The thing is, being a bit geeky didn’t stop them having desires of course.

And because they didn’t have many dating/romantic options they became fixated on me?

So we’d go out to the cinema, or maybe watch a DVD at mine (with me paying my share or more obviously!) and for them it was all “she clearly likes spending time with me, she wants to be my girlfriend clearly!”

They ALL ended up with a really bitter, nasty tone - they seemed to think I was “leading them on” , became very passive aggressive, and overall contributed about zero positivity to my life.

I basically ended up made to feel guilty and like I had to “mother” them because they were lonely and weird looking and really who needs that?

So I’d tread carefully with collecting male “friends” who are a bit outside the mainstream or you haven’t met through work or study or something.

Fair point Marchinta.